Once I had a reader my blogging habits changed. I've found a blog recently that has made me weep and laugh out loud in public. It is another geeky post. Most of what you folks will find fascinating is the audio book reviews. Apparently 3 hour commutes are not unheard of in MI and his is rather common. So to fill the void and keep the orange barrels song out of his head, he does the audio book thing. I am hoping that he will listen to James Frain read something spellbinding and completely frivolous. Frain is a great actor and I bet his readings are top notch. I personally don't have time for audio books until I get back into regular studio time. Any way, now that I know I have an audience I have written more in the last few weeks than I have in months. I wonder if other bloggers find the same to be true for them.
For instance, I give you "4cats a dog and a bird feeder habit". Most of the readers with the ability to comment are friends and family. I wonder how different his writing would be if he knew strangers were reading his blog. I can tell you he write like he talks. I haven't seen a good sci fi post [read as a request for some good sci-fi commentary] to know if his passions have changed or his opinions have evolved. But I am guessing they are quite set in stone and only the color of his commentary has intensified. He is marvelously engaging to speak with and well... only a Vulcan is more logical. Thankfully he isn't as dry and stuffy as my favorite aliens. He might disagree, but we rarely see ourselves as others do so I can say with certainty that he isn't dry and stuffy... well allergies aside but then that would be wet and stuffy and that is a conversation best left between him and a hankie.
Yes, if you have checked in, he shares some qualities with Wheaton, the salt and peppering of a lighthearted post with pop culture references for one. But then that is the hallmark of a geek. Its a kind of short hand. Watch the show? Then you know what the real context is behind the statements rather that the one he intends for you to perceive. It is a writing device, certainly, but it also separates real fans from the poseurs. You have to be in to know. And... i think its just the ginchiest that I am part of an in crowd. The geeks will inherit the earth!
Uh.... got carried off on a tangential wormhole, sorry. Anyway, as i said... now that I have an audience things have changed. i find myself more challenged to find material, to write better, to use spell check more often and now that I am reading a better blog than mine and one that in many ways is superior to Wheaton... funny how the old gods crumble... I find myself challenged to just be better.
Comtria!
And on that note HAL is kicking my butt with low power warnings. Good night Planet. Good night Moon. Good night My Friends.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Mood Swings or an Ebb in the Cosmic Tide?
I have to admit to being weepy, depressed and depressing for about a week now. I thought it was the usual girlie problem that I don't usually have, except when working around women for many hours per day. So it never occurred to me that there was any other explanation. Today Verta sent me an alert that explains it well. There is a lull in the cosmic flow, the tide slows like a river coming into a wider portion of the riverbed. The result of this is a tendency to "Weep for no good reason". Verta would say the menses are a reason, sometimes a good reason but mostly a stupid reason to cry, "But what are you gonna do?"
Exactly what I did.
I worried myself over passed failings, whined about being alone and broke a promise to a good friend and went home and cried anyway. he didn't make me pinkie swear so it didn't really count. Right? Anyway, I also got myself a stupid crush going, that if it had any basis in reality might be a nice little gift from the cosmos, but it's completely one way... mine, and i went digging through the Internet to find people that I've lost/misplaced/forgotten about only to have some stupid girlie jealousy rear its stupider head. I meant what I said when I told that story about attraction. And in recent moments of weakness, I wished I could undo that past. I didn't find some people. I did find others in exactly the places I never expected them to be. And I have been catty and ungracious to others. And there is no reason for it, except to say that without a regular flow of cosmic energy, I am nuts. Some would say I am nuts to talk like this, cosmic flow or not. But I am a tomboy, I don't cry. And that's all I've wanted to do.
With this new information, not only do I not mind needing to cry, I don't mind the fact that I have been totally human and totally invulcan. This, I am assured will pass (like a kidney stone) and will leave me with some kind of understanding. I don't know. That's just what I am assured. And the information came just in time. I almost consigned myself to oblivion.
When I left work today I had every intention of writing ACG and my Ukraine friend a fond farewell and relegating myself to the realm of crazy cat ladies (sans feline), dismantling my blog, both of them, and taking down every profile I have on the web. Part of the reason is that last night was too much for me to handle. I found people that I wanted to find and was distraught to realize that none of them missed me as much as I missed them. But I don't know that for certain. I presume that is the case. I felt as though I had embarrassed myself in my weakness, stretching new friendships beyond the strength of their new blooms. I would never end the life to my fleshly body. But there are other forms of suicide less obvious.
Removing my web presence is one form. I only have one regular reader, perhaps others. But one that posts comments. So still, for me, this is a private place to write. I am totally me. I am totally free to be who and what I am. I am learning, as Michelle says, to own my words. For me this is an act of bravery. It is a life form that I have never experienced but have coveted while reading Wheaton. And if I were to dismantle this blog, or my art blog, I would be ending part of my life. My brother doesn't know where to find me on the net. This is the last place I can be me while I continue to live in town. I am underground here. And if I leave this plane, I lose everything I have gained. I lose a vibrancy to my life I have not had in a long time.
I owe a lot of that to ACG. Mostly because we interact on a regular basis. Mostly because he is quality people and I get quality people face time. But also because in his valiant move to step outside of normal operating parameters, we have found a good friendship that I would not want to trade for anything. I have also found connections with people I was afraid of in school... but I've already waxed some shade of philosophical on that point. If I had followed through with my intent, I would have nothing but the fear. And a wet pillow. And I would be unavoidably alone.
"You take the good you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."
It's a simple line from an old TV theme. It's a lesson that I feel like I should have learned a long time ago. But I am learning it now. I had felt sorry for myself all day long. I'm amazed I got done by 1:30... usually that kind of self absorption reduces productivity. But, while I was dithering around some blogs, I found an amazing coincidence.
You see, I had searched for these same people back in February when I was out of work and writing my novel while waiting for the employment agency to turn out a gem. I found absolutely no one. Today, I got further into the archives and found that one of my long lost friends had started his blog in March, just a few short weeks before I started mine. Great minds think alike? Absolutely. But mostly I think it has more to do with this ebb and flow in the cosmic stream. Where we have people we have been separated from for one reason or another, some logical, some avoidable and some because of our own paranoid delusions/illusions, those hearts that were meant to connect in this life time and were thrust apart too soon are being put back together. As the cosmic shift approaches, the universe is actively strengthening links between people who will keep things together in their communities or on the global stage. It is of course folly to think that all of those connections are meant to be romantic relationships. In most cases it is that we need each other to maintain our strengths within and outside of the collective. In my case, I am certain that the romantic linking cannot happen until I am back in the middle of a current of people. That is how it happened before. And this time, the person I will be linked to will not be able to separate me from the collective. It was something I had not looked at before, but will this time. And that will be a post of its own. No, the universe is knitting weak strands together because we will all need each other, no matter our religious,political, financial, marital, and employment status. And that is what my searches have been about.
I'm just so used to thinking in old thought patterns that i believed it was because "My perfect mate" was out there. But my perfect community is out there. We are only building roads to each other for the support that we will need when all the changes happen.
Exactly what I did.
I worried myself over passed failings, whined about being alone and broke a promise to a good friend and went home and cried anyway. he didn't make me pinkie swear so it didn't really count. Right? Anyway, I also got myself a stupid crush going, that if it had any basis in reality might be a nice little gift from the cosmos, but it's completely one way... mine, and i went digging through the Internet to find people that I've lost/misplaced/forgotten about only to have some stupid girlie jealousy rear its stupider head. I meant what I said when I told that story about attraction. And in recent moments of weakness, I wished I could undo that past. I didn't find some people. I did find others in exactly the places I never expected them to be. And I have been catty and ungracious to others. And there is no reason for it, except to say that without a regular flow of cosmic energy, I am nuts. Some would say I am nuts to talk like this, cosmic flow or not. But I am a tomboy, I don't cry. And that's all I've wanted to do.
With this new information, not only do I not mind needing to cry, I don't mind the fact that I have been totally human and totally invulcan. This, I am assured will pass (like a kidney stone) and will leave me with some kind of understanding. I don't know. That's just what I am assured. And the information came just in time. I almost consigned myself to oblivion.
When I left work today I had every intention of writing ACG and my Ukraine friend a fond farewell and relegating myself to the realm of crazy cat ladies (sans feline), dismantling my blog, both of them, and taking down every profile I have on the web. Part of the reason is that last night was too much for me to handle. I found people that I wanted to find and was distraught to realize that none of them missed me as much as I missed them. But I don't know that for certain. I presume that is the case. I felt as though I had embarrassed myself in my weakness, stretching new friendships beyond the strength of their new blooms. I would never end the life to my fleshly body. But there are other forms of suicide less obvious.
Removing my web presence is one form. I only have one regular reader, perhaps others. But one that posts comments. So still, for me, this is a private place to write. I am totally me. I am totally free to be who and what I am. I am learning, as Michelle says, to own my words. For me this is an act of bravery. It is a life form that I have never experienced but have coveted while reading Wheaton. And if I were to dismantle this blog, or my art blog, I would be ending part of my life. My brother doesn't know where to find me on the net. This is the last place I can be me while I continue to live in town. I am underground here. And if I leave this plane, I lose everything I have gained. I lose a vibrancy to my life I have not had in a long time.
I owe a lot of that to ACG. Mostly because we interact on a regular basis. Mostly because he is quality people and I get quality people face time. But also because in his valiant move to step outside of normal operating parameters, we have found a good friendship that I would not want to trade for anything. I have also found connections with people I was afraid of in school... but I've already waxed some shade of philosophical on that point. If I had followed through with my intent, I would have nothing but the fear. And a wet pillow. And I would be unavoidably alone.
"You take the good you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."
It's a simple line from an old TV theme. It's a lesson that I feel like I should have learned a long time ago. But I am learning it now. I had felt sorry for myself all day long. I'm amazed I got done by 1:30... usually that kind of self absorption reduces productivity. But, while I was dithering around some blogs, I found an amazing coincidence.
You see, I had searched for these same people back in February when I was out of work and writing my novel while waiting for the employment agency to turn out a gem. I found absolutely no one. Today, I got further into the archives and found that one of my long lost friends had started his blog in March, just a few short weeks before I started mine. Great minds think alike? Absolutely. But mostly I think it has more to do with this ebb and flow in the cosmic stream. Where we have people we have been separated from for one reason or another, some logical, some avoidable and some because of our own paranoid delusions/illusions, those hearts that were meant to connect in this life time and were thrust apart too soon are being put back together. As the cosmic shift approaches, the universe is actively strengthening links between people who will keep things together in their communities or on the global stage. It is of course folly to think that all of those connections are meant to be romantic relationships. In most cases it is that we need each other to maintain our strengths within and outside of the collective. In my case, I am certain that the romantic linking cannot happen until I am back in the middle of a current of people. That is how it happened before. And this time, the person I will be linked to will not be able to separate me from the collective. It was something I had not looked at before, but will this time. And that will be a post of its own. No, the universe is knitting weak strands together because we will all need each other, no matter our religious,political, financial, marital, and employment status. And that is what my searches have been about.
I'm just so used to thinking in old thought patterns that i believed it was because "My perfect mate" was out there. But my perfect community is out there. We are only building roads to each other for the support that we will need when all the changes happen.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Smaller worlds
I am uncertain what all if this Internet business will lead to in the grand scheme of things for humanity. In the past two weeks I have: connected with people that time and my distracted self have forgotten, lurked around places where people I want to reconnect with are, worried myself over things long passed where those people are concerned, made new friends (you remember ACG) and am learning about music and the universe from a new friend I have made on line. I have also, in due course, been ignored and dissed by others I evidently found more interesting than they found me. I have also had a strange face to face encounter which I regaled you all with yesterday. In short, while my own personal universe is expanding and I am planning to weed some smaller galaxies from my cosmic garden, I find that I desire expansion in ways that i had never wanted before.
Today I cried at a blog I follow. I know the blogger personally, granted from a long time ago, and I know more for him than for Wil what the loss of his pet was for him. I find that I miss some people more strongly now than I ever have before. One of the things I realize is that while I have spent time wishing things were different, others have gone on with their lives.
One of the things that can be said for the internet is that it can bring us places we have never been, bring people we love and miss closer to us. But, in sharp contrast, I also see how the distances increase. For some of the people I have strongly loved in my life cannot be connected to me any more easily through the Internet than through a traditionally sent Christmas card. Time and tide have moved beyond my isolated shore.
In some respects, I am more acutely aware of how lonely my life is today than have been in a very long time. Upon reflection, I ask myself "What have I been doing for these last 13 years?" The answer is startlingly brief... nothing. Pining. Waiting.
So what am I doing now? I am looking for keys to the past while simultaneously looking for the key to the future. There is something truly Biblical in that imagery. If I keep to this road I shall never be an artist of any repute, an author of any renown... I shall be a lump of salt from all the stupidly useless tears I've shed over things I can not change. And there will be a vast Internet audience to see it happen as it happens.
Again, I don't know what this Internet age will do for humanity. Perhaps it will only make it easier to be the schmucks we have been pretending not to be.
On that note: hug your friends, forgive them their shortcomings and don't lose touch.
Today I cried at a blog I follow. I know the blogger personally, granted from a long time ago, and I know more for him than for Wil what the loss of his pet was for him. I find that I miss some people more strongly now than I ever have before. One of the things I realize is that while I have spent time wishing things were different, others have gone on with their lives.
One of the things that can be said for the internet is that it can bring us places we have never been, bring people we love and miss closer to us. But, in sharp contrast, I also see how the distances increase. For some of the people I have strongly loved in my life cannot be connected to me any more easily through the Internet than through a traditionally sent Christmas card. Time and tide have moved beyond my isolated shore.
In some respects, I am more acutely aware of how lonely my life is today than have been in a very long time. Upon reflection, I ask myself "What have I been doing for these last 13 years?" The answer is startlingly brief... nothing. Pining. Waiting.
So what am I doing now? I am looking for keys to the past while simultaneously looking for the key to the future. There is something truly Biblical in that imagery. If I keep to this road I shall never be an artist of any repute, an author of any renown... I shall be a lump of salt from all the stupidly useless tears I've shed over things I can not change. And there will be a vast Internet audience to see it happen as it happens.
Again, I don't know what this Internet age will do for humanity. Perhaps it will only make it easier to be the schmucks we have been pretending not to be.
On that note: hug your friends, forgive them their shortcomings and don't lose touch.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Synchronicity
So how is this for weird coinkydink...
I stopped by to find out when Our next class was to be held. These two guys came into see Verta as well. We all got talking and one guy, John, is an artist that lives on 11th street. His friend went on and on about some synchronicity of his own. When he went to take a cell call, i talked to John. "So where abouts do you live?"
"At the corner of Cass and ___th."
"Really?" I said, thinking yellow, grey or plain old eclectic mix of ick. "Which one?"
"2__" he says.
My eyes got huge and I OMG NW squeed. "That's the house I grew up in!"
I told him about my little cubbyhole in the kitchen where there is a gap in the cupboards. "I wrote my name under there with a backwards e." Says I.
"I'll have to check it out."
Karen had the presence of mind to introduce us before they had to leave. My heart about stopped dead in it's cavity. I was so stunned.
When the house was sold out from under me, I had felt so bad and so cheated by it that I haven't driven any where near it in two years. But this passed month I've purposely driven by it tons of times. One of those times I had the distinct impression that I would live there again someday.
John told me his buddy Keith bought the house with his wife and that they have gotten a divorce. Oddly, the guy got the house. Yea guy! John is renting out a room downstairs, there are tenants upstairs.
In theory, now that I have a psuedo "in", I could one day live there. I have never been happier anywhere than in the upstairs apartment. If Karen can keep John and I in touch, I'll know when I can make my move.... now to get my hands on the requisite cash......
I am grinning the most evil and diabolical grin any malevolent dictator has ever grinned.
My destiny is mine!
Okay, so it always has been. Allow me to seize the carp instead of the carp seizing me.
I stopped by to find out when Our next class was to be held. These two guys came into see Verta as well. We all got talking and one guy, John, is an artist that lives on 11th street. His friend went on and on about some synchronicity of his own. When he went to take a cell call, i talked to John. "So where abouts do you live?"
"At the corner of Cass and ___th."
"Really?" I said, thinking yellow, grey or plain old eclectic mix of ick. "Which one?"
"2__" he says.
My eyes got huge and I OMG NW squeed. "That's the house I grew up in!"
I told him about my little cubbyhole in the kitchen where there is a gap in the cupboards. "I wrote my name under there with a backwards e." Says I.
"I'll have to check it out."
Karen had the presence of mind to introduce us before they had to leave. My heart about stopped dead in it's cavity. I was so stunned.
When the house was sold out from under me, I had felt so bad and so cheated by it that I haven't driven any where near it in two years. But this passed month I've purposely driven by it tons of times. One of those times I had the distinct impression that I would live there again someday.
John told me his buddy Keith bought the house with his wife and that they have gotten a divorce. Oddly, the guy got the house. Yea guy! John is renting out a room downstairs, there are tenants upstairs.
In theory, now that I have a psuedo "in", I could one day live there. I have never been happier anywhere than in the upstairs apartment. If Karen can keep John and I in touch, I'll know when I can make my move.... now to get my hands on the requisite cash......
I am grinning the most evil and diabolical grin any malevolent dictator has ever grinned.
My destiny is mine!
Okay, so it always has been. Allow me to seize the carp instead of the carp seizing me.
So I am thinking that there is no good place to move
I've been thinking about what I am going to do when i get my settlement. I've looked into a few places. After all the weather weirdness south of here, tornadoes in Kansas and the hurricanes on the coast, I am thinking that I should just stay in Michigan. Can those people in Louisiana say "Yikes!"?
Why do people think they can dictate my every moment
I have a situation at work where some people feel that their private lives take precedence over everyone else's. Admittedly, I contributed to that environment by trying to be helpful to subordinates in exchange for their help later. But when I cash in my "I scratched your back points" I get "Psyche!" So I have had my weeks planned for weeks. I know when I will have days off and I plan accordingly. I also know to plan something for late in the day because I can't count on these people.
So one of the Russian girls wants her birthday off. She didn't say anything until the last minute. It is today. She also wants the weekend off. Now, I've known what my birthday was since I was five. I also have known since I was 17 that if I want time off, I have to ask for it a couple weeks in advance. My manager thinks that I can just come in for her on my day off. Despite the fact that she has left work without telling anyone twice, that one of those days she did not finish her work and that she has used guest phones, essentially stolen guest food from the breakfast bar and frequently takes extra breaks. And she should still have special treatment? I don't think so.
And I told him the odds that I would come in for her were slim to none. I have a standing appointment on Wednesdays with a therapist/spiritual advisor. I've gone three weeks without said appointment because of these people and every one's crazy needs. If I am to resist going all Chernobyl on them then I am not missing my appointment today.
And it isn't fair. No one wants to jump in and do anything extra when I am short handed. I have always bent over backwards for my employers and my family only to be shafted when I need something. My manager needs to say no.
We need to not be forced to sign guaranteed contracts with foreign nationals who come here to work. It is a privilege to work here. It is a gift. And it is being abused. We cannot fire them for the same reason's that we regular Joes and Janes can get fired. We have to place them in other jobs if we let them go. And she is walking all over everyone. She is even abusing her friendship with the other girl who works with her. No one tells her no. Everyone bows to her demands like she is the lost Romanov princess. I guess I am a Bolshevik at heart.
And you have no idea how largely I am grinning right now.
So one of the Russian girls wants her birthday off. She didn't say anything until the last minute. It is today. She also wants the weekend off. Now, I've known what my birthday was since I was five. I also have known since I was 17 that if I want time off, I have to ask for it a couple weeks in advance. My manager thinks that I can just come in for her on my day off. Despite the fact that she has left work without telling anyone twice, that one of those days she did not finish her work and that she has used guest phones, essentially stolen guest food from the breakfast bar and frequently takes extra breaks. And she should still have special treatment? I don't think so.
And I told him the odds that I would come in for her were slim to none. I have a standing appointment on Wednesdays with a therapist/spiritual advisor. I've gone three weeks without said appointment because of these people and every one's crazy needs. If I am to resist going all Chernobyl on them then I am not missing my appointment today.
And it isn't fair. No one wants to jump in and do anything extra when I am short handed. I have always bent over backwards for my employers and my family only to be shafted when I need something. My manager needs to say no.
We need to not be forced to sign guaranteed contracts with foreign nationals who come here to work. It is a privilege to work here. It is a gift. And it is being abused. We cannot fire them for the same reason's that we regular Joes and Janes can get fired. We have to place them in other jobs if we let them go. And she is walking all over everyone. She is even abusing her friendship with the other girl who works with her. No one tells her no. Everyone bows to her demands like she is the lost Romanov princess. I guess I am a Bolshevik at heart.
And you have no idea how largely I am grinning right now.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
June 13 2001
Turquoise domes gilded gold at sunset
alabaster minarets blasted smooth by whipping sand
restless shifting dunes...
white- gold- hot- rippled
an ocean of arid land.
Barren misconceptions.
life teams where we suppose it to be bland.
Green palm, fig and date.
Deep pools of liquid azure
revive a nomadic band
The ocean's heart bears beauty, delicate and pure.
The desert rose a gossamer kiss on a parched hand.
Cities of mystery
fortunes won and lost in time
Exuberant colors and vibrant bazaars whose magic none withstand.
Northward rises a temperate range
purple speckled green
to give shifting dunes stern reprimand.
South along the coast
a salty frothy shore
once bountiful green boswellias thrive no more.
Her translucent golden droplets yield to market demand.
Turbaned tunic-ed and veiled
A people cloaked in mystery
distance is their faith's demand
Loyal, passionate and enduring,
these I struggle to understand
Somewhere in the sands of time, two trunkless legs stand
will we ever know for certain
those who rule the Persian sand?
I wrote that a few months before September 11. It had occurred to me that as vast as the rubber stamp world was, there were some people left out of the image bank. Michelle had just turned me on to this great resource book, A Bacon's compendium of engraver's cuts from various Victorian encyclopedias. I found a section of alphabet charts that made my inner geek squee with joy. So I started teaching myself some Persian. I even found a Persian language book that the state department put out in the 1950's. So for a week, I taught myself some Persian calligraphy. It isn't good. Good enough to make art with, not good enough to brag to any Persians about. And then... it happened.
I thought that there could not be a better time for artwork that could bridge the chasm this incident created. There is much to admire in the Middle Eastern culture, and in Islam if you could eliminate the agenda's of faith leaders who don't remember what Allah put us here for. But, that is me. I am a healer. The first thing I can think of when something bad happens is "How can we fix this?"
Maybe that's why so many things bother me about life. Some things can't be fixed because they are too complicated to be undone with a single act. And as a healer, I want people to be happy and healthy... all of this anger and fanaticism isn't happiness. But I can't fix it. I used to weep for G'd all the time because this beautiful thing he made is spoiled. September 11 made me weep with Him all over again. I couldn't fix anything when I was a child. I don't feel like I can fix anything now. All I can do is try not to make things worse. And that is where the Mid East themes in my work comes from. That is why I listen to Arabic influenced music these days. No one else will remind me that all people have value, I'll have to do it myself.
Old or just advanced?
With the pending reunion, age seems to be a hot button topic. Two of my friends have 17 year old kids. It doesn't seem to them that we are 20 years out of highschool. I'm without kids so for me I am in a perpetual state of teenhood. I listen to the same bands, I like the same kinds of tv shows and as I have said all over the place... I could watch Mac Gyver forever. And I will always like cartoons of many stripes. Pen and Ink and animated. I'd make a great babysitter for the right age kids, more Mary Poppins than Mrs. Doubtfire... or more Wanda (FOP) than Alice from the Brady Bunch. But I just can't seem to want to believe that time passes like it does. Oh I know, space-time continuum and all, but physics be damned... I don't see any reason to be any different than what I was in school.
I was the most responsible one out of the three of us and I never really lived much, having been everyone's babysitter and big sister through all of school. And then there was also the volunteering with the adults... that makes a sober teen to be sure. I blossomed without ever noticing things about me that everyones else did. I think the p sychologists would say that I am a repressed individual breaking out of a limiting cocoon. I have a different life. It isn't better. It isn't worse. It's just different. Comtria! Don't get me wrong, I like who I am. I just wish that I were a little younger than I am. Or maybe, I wish that I had been part of my friends' lives these past 20 years so that I could share my perpetual youth and not feel so... so what... so guilty? for my youthful enjoyments. I'm somewhere in between two things. I just have no idea what two things those might be.
Hmpf.
I was the most responsible one out of the three of us and I never really lived much, having been everyone's babysitter and big sister through all of school. And then there was also the volunteering with the adults... that makes a sober teen to be sure. I blossomed without ever noticing things about me that everyones else did. I think the p sychologists would say that I am a repressed individual breaking out of a limiting cocoon. I have a different life. It isn't better. It isn't worse. It's just different. Comtria! Don't get me wrong, I like who I am. I just wish that I were a little younger than I am. Or maybe, I wish that I had been part of my friends' lives these past 20 years so that I could share my perpetual youth and not feel so... so what... so guilty? for my youthful enjoyments. I'm somewhere in between two things. I just have no idea what two things those might be.
Hmpf.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Well... I wasn't expecting that
He who must not be named has done something to defy what I have always thought that I knew about him. He put a profile on [redacted]. This intensely personal person, who couldn't acknowledge my presence in a gas station while we stood shoulder to shoulder in line, has a profile up where I can find him. He is listed, meaning either made an accepted friend request or accepted a friend request from, the liar and the accomplice. Won't this make Verta smack the jeebus out of me? Oh, not because I went looking for him. Because I didn't. I found him by accident because I have been conversant with another friend there. But he would not normally put himself where he can be found. So now I am thinking things for which Verta indeed will smack me.
Part of me hopes that they (the L & Acc.) are planning to work with him to repair some of the damage that was done. Just so that there isn't the bad energy in the group. Neither person has told me that I can't go to the reunion. Part of me suspects that there is further torment ahead. But the part of me that is frustrated right now is the part that took the one, miniscule thought of repair, and ran headlong into... go back and fix things and have the John Cusack movie ending.
The part of me that has resented being the only one to suffer, even though that was my choice based on bad information, wants to be released from this prison. Nothing more. Just release. The part of me that says I did the noble thing and rewards itself with the thought that no one actually was wounded, maimed or killed because I chose sacrifice, wants a reward. The reward is the same in either case... He will forgive and we will go forward.
It won't happen. If he were planning anything so predictable, then he would have sent me a friend request. He would not, could not, make the same mistake and trust those two to relay any information. Could he?
And why would I torture myself like this again?
Why indeed. Verta usually says something profound like, "obviously, I: a) haven't learned anything, b) I like having the jeebus smacked out of me at regular intervals, c) our karma isn't finished, d) even so, if I'd like to wait for another lifetime to deal with him, I can opt for that and quit tormenting myself in this one." What I would have to say is that my constant diet of Guiding Light as a child, has totally ruined any concept of reality when it comes to relationships. For the life of me, I cannot understand why I would want a mulligan in this game. My ball is so far into the sandtrap I'm surprised I haven't been eaten by Jabba's pet worm. If I wanted to repeat the pain of the past, I would want Ethan back. He at least chose someone else out of honor to a previous promise. And Ethan would have let me explain if I had done something bad to him the way that He Who thinks I have done. Of that I have no doubt.
How stupid do I have to be to cause myself this kind of anguish again? Part of the answer is the most singular and grotesque recurring incident involving this entire situation. With only one noteable exception, everytime I have been interested in someone, I have dreamt of He Who.
I am certain that most people go through the same process of attraction that I do. Instant heat, building into infatuation and then a constant burning flame. The point of instant attraction is where the problem starts. Once I get home and get to thinking about that instant spark, some kind of soul deep recognition that would normally be the point at which I begin to plan how to continue to run into this person... I dream of him. The dream is always the same theme though the locations change. He is set apart from our crowd of friends. He looks at me with those puppy eyes that beg to go for a ride too. But alas, he is left at the front window. And then our friends tell me how upset he is... then there is panic. He is lost. We all search for him. He won't be found.
I have had this dream EVERYTIME I've liked someone. The boyfirend who cost so much money was the only exception. If I had had the dream I would be financially so much further ahead. But that is neither here nor there. The instant I wake from the dream the spark is gone. And that is how I have a preponderance of good guy friends. And yes, anxious readers... ACG included.
I haven't really been taken with anyone since I met ACG. So the other night when I dreamt of He Who, before finding his profile on [redacted], I was shocked out of my senses.
And that I think is what makes me nuts. I never have any peace. I can't move forward. Everytime I try, I am yanked back. I don't know what will make the dreams go away. And I am puzzled as to why I din't dream about him when I obviously needed to be warned off of someone who would ultimately be bad for me. Yes, I put stock in dreams. They must be useful for something. In this instance, I don't know what.
How do I move forward with this albatros around my neck? The evil part of me says I hope he suffers likewise; "It'd serve him right." But this is just pure torture. I really like ACG and he deserves someone who can be devoted to him and his family. I have to face facts though... if this is still around me then I don't have any business wanting to be more than friends with anyone. If that don't take the wind out of my sails... I don't know what will.
Introspection bites.
Part of me hopes that they (the L & Acc.) are planning to work with him to repair some of the damage that was done. Just so that there isn't the bad energy in the group. Neither person has told me that I can't go to the reunion. Part of me suspects that there is further torment ahead. But the part of me that is frustrated right now is the part that took the one, miniscule thought of repair, and ran headlong into... go back and fix things and have the John Cusack movie ending.
The part of me that has resented being the only one to suffer, even though that was my choice based on bad information, wants to be released from this prison. Nothing more. Just release. The part of me that says I did the noble thing and rewards itself with the thought that no one actually was wounded, maimed or killed because I chose sacrifice, wants a reward. The reward is the same in either case... He will forgive and we will go forward.
It won't happen. If he were planning anything so predictable, then he would have sent me a friend request. He would not, could not, make the same mistake and trust those two to relay any information. Could he?
And why would I torture myself like this again?
Why indeed. Verta usually says something profound like, "obviously, I: a) haven't learned anything, b) I like having the jeebus smacked out of me at regular intervals, c) our karma isn't finished, d) even so, if I'd like to wait for another lifetime to deal with him, I can opt for that and quit tormenting myself in this one." What I would have to say is that my constant diet of Guiding Light as a child, has totally ruined any concept of reality when it comes to relationships. For the life of me, I cannot understand why I would want a mulligan in this game. My ball is so far into the sandtrap I'm surprised I haven't been eaten by Jabba's pet worm. If I wanted to repeat the pain of the past, I would want Ethan back. He at least chose someone else out of honor to a previous promise. And Ethan would have let me explain if I had done something bad to him the way that He Who thinks I have done. Of that I have no doubt.
How stupid do I have to be to cause myself this kind of anguish again? Part of the answer is the most singular and grotesque recurring incident involving this entire situation. With only one noteable exception, everytime I have been interested in someone, I have dreamt of He Who.
I am certain that most people go through the same process of attraction that I do. Instant heat, building into infatuation and then a constant burning flame. The point of instant attraction is where the problem starts. Once I get home and get to thinking about that instant spark, some kind of soul deep recognition that would normally be the point at which I begin to plan how to continue to run into this person... I dream of him. The dream is always the same theme though the locations change. He is set apart from our crowd of friends. He looks at me with those puppy eyes that beg to go for a ride too. But alas, he is left at the front window. And then our friends tell me how upset he is... then there is panic. He is lost. We all search for him. He won't be found.
I have had this dream EVERYTIME I've liked someone. The boyfirend who cost so much money was the only exception. If I had had the dream I would be financially so much further ahead. But that is neither here nor there. The instant I wake from the dream the spark is gone. And that is how I have a preponderance of good guy friends. And yes, anxious readers... ACG included.
I haven't really been taken with anyone since I met ACG. So the other night when I dreamt of He Who, before finding his profile on [redacted], I was shocked out of my senses.
And that I think is what makes me nuts. I never have any peace. I can't move forward. Everytime I try, I am yanked back. I don't know what will make the dreams go away. And I am puzzled as to why I din't dream about him when I obviously needed to be warned off of someone who would ultimately be bad for me. Yes, I put stock in dreams. They must be useful for something. In this instance, I don't know what.
How do I move forward with this albatros around my neck? The evil part of me says I hope he suffers likewise; "It'd serve him right." But this is just pure torture. I really like ACG and he deserves someone who can be devoted to him and his family. I have to face facts though... if this is still around me then I don't have any business wanting to be more than friends with anyone. If that don't take the wind out of my sails... I don't know what will.
Introspection bites.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)