Highschool never ends

but sometimes we grow up enough to make it not suck.


So, I got over my weirdness and contacted He Who through [redacted]. We are now friends via [redacted]. And he settled some things for me. There never was any chance that I would hurt his feelings. It turns out that the Liar had fabricated a lie that required being compounded to postpone her comeuppance. It has taken 20 years for that lie to unravel and allow the people encapsulated by it to see the truth.
I got to say sorry and was given the forgiveness I've sought lo these many years. And he said sorry because it would appear as though I was more hurt by his actions than he by mine. And as these things go, the Liar really is the only one who needs to apologize. Which, by the by, I do not expect.
I will simply be happy to get my big hug from He Who in full sight of the Liar. In speaking with He Who, I find there were many who were involved in the plot unwittingly.
Now the real issues: did I ever expect the miracle of a romantic reunion? I've always known that it would never happen that way. But when the darkness threatened to consume evertything about me that looked like a shot at truly living, then yes. When my esteem bent to the raspy voiced gollum in the shadows, the thought that someone like He Who could have liked me at one time let me rebuff the gollum's insinutions and find my way into the light. And could I have gone on with life without this catharsis? My brother tells me all the time it matters not. Verta tells me it doesn't matter. I say it does.

Here's why. If I had gone forever not knowing what exactly transpired back then I would live in this constant state of Limbo. The cycle of "what if" would keep driving me nuts. Its nothing but a mental hampster wheel. I would like to believe that we can be more than hampsters. But if we don't do the hard human things then we must be content to be hampsters. I am still a white hampster and I can't dance so get that damn song out of your head before it gets stuck in mi... to late. Anyway, my point is, I needed to know the truth. Maybe if I were another kind of person I could have just ignored this whole mess. But I have been in hot pursuit of truth since I was a child. Not just spiritual, apparently, but in all things. It shows in all of the personality and psychology tests I have taken. The last one I took called me Holmes. [big cheesy grin] But the point is, truth. My personality doesn't let me just let things lie because the truth really does set you free.
It is the only thing that will. And it takes a lot of courage to look for it, recognize it when it shows up and then accept it. I've been called courageous before. I denied the description because I could never face down Nazi's while dangling precariously from the side of a tank in the desert. Nor could I really ever go hunting Vampires even if I am up at dark thirty every morning. Life requires courage in many instances that are less perilous than an action heroes life, but courage nonetheless.

Leaving your family to become who you were always meant to be, starting a business, activism... these are all things that require courage. Fighting illness, unemployment, facing the death of a loved one. Life is full of opportunities for courage. Challenging old ideas, even if they are only important to your own mental health is one of those courageous things. I've always felt a little quixotic about this particular quest because it was so personal, and because there seemed no way to verify any of the information. So that impish part of my self that said "Do it! Contact him!" finally is acknowledged and the result was not devastating... not in the least.

So with my new understanding of what transpired all those years ago, I can move forward. Couple that with my realization that I held me back in highschool by not accepting the changes in my classmates and myself that were evident to everyone but me, being out from under Father Niece's bug zapper and having the freedom and courage to be who we were meant to be... I can look forward to this reunion as a time to finally connect and maybe feel like I belong with these people that I was in school with for so long.

Stamping at attention

I guess the money is on its way. It couldn't come at a better time. With Winter just around the corner and hours being cut back on a regular basis, I'm gonna need all Winter to prepare my catalog and create new designs. So on the agenda for the next few months is to get a great desktop and awesome software and get everything in a digi file. I'll have to put the purchase price of the equipment into a CD and lock it away until Spring. It will gain some interrest and be safe from my spend thrift hands. But with an improved network of friends I don't think that I will have to worry too much about spending money to not feel alone. That's a blog of another topic. Anyway... things are really moving forward. I am getting more excited all the time. Economy?
What economy? Exactly. My business isn't recession proof. Arts and Crafts will always take a hit when things tank like this. But there is only so much a person can do without a creative outlet. People who craft have to craft. People who make art have to make art. And a sluggish economy is going to make us work harder to improve our products and meet customer service expectations. Though, I must confess I hope to exceed them.

Just when you think its time to give up, give in and try another approach...

something happens that sucks you right back into the center of things.

I drift like cosmic junk on an accretion disk, slowly spinning into the center where a black hole waits to swallow everything for weeks. ACG and I are still great friends. That won't change. But it won't go beyond that... so I continue the e-date thing. I sent out 3 flirts a week if I can find people to flirt with because I don't wont this to get unmanageable. I respond to flirts sent to me. And for weeks nothing will happen. ACG tells me sometimes it can take months for someone to respond because they have had so much going on. I am on 4 sites. I have only had a long term conversation with one person other than ACG and have been talking to my classmates on another social site. So the other night, I went cruising without any expectations... I thought.
See, I had given ACG this piece of advice about not having any expectations on the outcome but just enjoying the sites. I checked out who was on line an it was the same set of guys that it always is. The one I really want to hear from hasn't replied to my reply... (PhD)yet. No one new to review, no one new to chat with and no one who would chat if that's all you want.
So I'm on line with ACG the other night and BAM-BAM-BAM! I get messages from several people. The one guy is just fun to talk to... nothing serious. He looks like Ethan and he is not looking for any one like me. But we still e-mail once in a while. It's kinda like emailing with my classmates. And now I have a "Secret Admirer". And today that site sent me some very good prospects, all new sign ups that I have never seen before.
And this brings me to an observation that I have made about the profiles that I find the most intriguing. I seem to have found a preponderance of Libras and Scorpios to like. In third place are my fellow Aquarians. And the fourth place interests are Capricorns which I reject almost exclusively out of hand. My bro is a Capricorn and I have been burned by them throughout my life. PhD is a Capricorn. I took a chance and hope that I an not going to regret taking that chance. So what is it about Libras and Scorpios that seems to be so compatible? I don't know. They seem to handle their imaginations with a bit more intelligence than us flighty Aquarians, which, I freely admit I need.
But the guys I am finding on these sites seems to also possess a sense of maturity about women than others of their age don't have. Maybe I am reading more into these profiles than there is. I don't know. They also seem to be the only ones who can write in complete sentences, whole paragraphs and with an understanding of spellcheck and its proper uses. I automatically reject anyone with consistent and glaring spelling problems. I also reject any one who writes with their native accent. I am thinking that makes me on the other side of the immigration fence than my fellow libs. But in the greater scheme of things... I just contact people I could be friends with.
As I have made a great realization about my weight issues from childhood through the present, I also realize where a good deal of my hangups regarding relationships come from. It isn't the same space, but they share an adjacent park.
This is going to be an interesting adventure to say the least.