Since I cannot have the colors I had so painstakingly chose months ago, i am reverting to the default setting for readability.
sad face
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
To Enterprise
I have a habit of reading what ever is handy during bouts of insomnia. This has lead me to read a microbiology text book, several volumes of poetry which I would not read if not bored, a car manual (don't ask make and model) and text books on geology, physics, teaching methods, a history of numbers (I know. & I HATE math!) and a host of things that I don't remember reading until a trivia question pops up on the board at Beaners.
While Pam was at Northern and we roomed for a while, I was left alone one dark, windy, snow-pelted night. It was a rare evening when the fellowship didn't meet and my bestest friend had gone home to Wisconsin. All I could hear from our second floor flat was the wail of a Superior gale and the lonesome forboding call of the local light. There was too much snow for the train to run so no whistle broke the night. It was desolate. I was desolate. So I looked to Pam's bookshelf to find new friends I could co-opt. All of her school books were in the apartment as she was at work. I noticed a volume of Wordsworth. It was the only book she had from one of Mr. Trapp's classes that she had brought with her to college. I began reading.
Normally, I'm not a poetry person. Ozimondius, Ode on a Grecian Urn and Dover being noteable exceptions. Oh... and the epic poem delivered by Berem, the green gemstone man in Dragons of Winter Night. There was something about the first few of Wordsworths poems that said "kindred" and I kept reading. I don't know if you are familiar with his work... but he wrote copiously. So after about three hours I started to riffle through the titles. I found an intriguing title. Of course, I had started reading the book by looking into his biography and the editors notes so I knew that my first instinct was wrong. But perhaps this was a case of foreshadowing.
Either that or I really am insane and see Star Trek references behind every door. Still, after getting to the second stanza I had no doubt that Gene Roddenberry had once read this poem. Whether or not it had any impact on the name I do not know. Enterprise is a victorian word that also means, endeavor, opportunity, venture, challenge, quest, oddessey... some of these names should sound familiar. Of course, the poem could just be about life's instances.
While Pam was at Northern and we roomed for a while, I was left alone one dark, windy, snow-pelted night. It was a rare evening when the fellowship didn't meet and my bestest friend had gone home to Wisconsin. All I could hear from our second floor flat was the wail of a Superior gale and the lonesome forboding call of the local light. There was too much snow for the train to run so no whistle broke the night. It was desolate. I was desolate. So I looked to Pam's bookshelf to find new friends I could co-opt. All of her school books were in the apartment as she was at work. I noticed a volume of Wordsworth. It was the only book she had from one of Mr. Trapp's classes that she had brought with her to college. I began reading.
Normally, I'm not a poetry person. Ozimondius, Ode on a Grecian Urn and Dover being noteable exceptions. Oh... and the epic poem delivered by Berem, the green gemstone man in Dragons of Winter Night. There was something about the first few of Wordsworths poems that said "kindred" and I kept reading. I don't know if you are familiar with his work... but he wrote copiously. So after about three hours I started to riffle through the titles. I found an intriguing title. Of course, I had started reading the book by looking into his biography and the editors notes so I knew that my first instinct was wrong. But perhaps this was a case of foreshadowing.
Either that or I really am insane and see Star Trek references behind every door. Still, after getting to the second stanza I had no doubt that Gene Roddenberry had once read this poem. Whether or not it had any impact on the name I do not know. Enterprise is a victorian word that also means, endeavor, opportunity, venture, challenge, quest, oddessey... some of these names should sound familiar. Of course, the poem could just be about life's instances.
Bold Spirit! who art free to rove
among the starry courts of Jove
and oft in splendor dost appear
embodied to poetic eyes
while traversing this nethersphere
where mortals call thee ENTERPRISE
How low can it go?
More importantly, will this new problem with the market and bank buyouts mean that they won't follow through processing my annuity sale? It isn't much money in the grand scheme of the world money markets. But to me it is like a 100 million dollars... it means I can open doors to freedom. My heart can be what it always wanted to be... free.
Not this anxiety ridden pox bank. Trust me friends, this is not the kind of savings account you want to open. I am looking forward to closing this one.
Not this anxiety ridden pox bank. Trust me friends, this is not the kind of savings account you want to open. I am looking forward to closing this one.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Still glowing
I supppose I should have read the last post to know what exactly I said about the reunion so that I don't repeat myself. I suppose there is a lot that I should do that I don't... writing from the hip is more fun than careful construction [sorry Mr. Trapp]. However, I must now be more observant of proofreading protocols since I've mocked some on the dating websites for suck a lapse in publishing judgement.
It's late Monday evening and I am still rapturously happy from Saturday. Part of it has to do with He Who, taking my measure from Her, and being around people that I haven't seen in a while. As has always been my habit, I spent several minnutes in observation. I found myself left standing somewhere when the groups split and mingled and new people came in. In those alone moments I watched. I guess it used to creep people out when I did that in elementary school. I didn't know no one else did it; I just thought I was bad at hiding it. But I watched as the usual groups would coalesce from the mass: Wayne, Jeff, Sean Ramsdell, Corwin and the spouses attached, Newman, Blashill, Rhodes and others; Ready, Curtis, Sherwin; Popp, Raven, McLaughlin; Ludwig and Finnila floated among a couple of groups and then there was Geri, Paulie and me floating around in and out of every group. Then the groups would all blend together for several minutes before breaking apart and reforming into new groups.
As everyone was in their regular group I felt like everything was right. This was the class I remembered. But the amazing thing is the way that the groups would coalesce without the thing that used to be there between us all. At the reunion we were in groups and subgroups not cliques. the malice and indifference was gone. Finally, just like Mr. Powers said it would.
It used to be that I would get suspicious if someone from a clique smiled in my direction for too long. And then I would wait for the attack. In highschool it never came, it was a learned elementary school response [stupid Pavlov]. The smiles were genuine, as were the hugs.
All in all...
deep breath and slow, healing exhale, "aaaah"
It's late Monday evening and I am still rapturously happy from Saturday. Part of it has to do with He Who, taking my measure from Her, and being around people that I haven't seen in a while. As has always been my habit, I spent several minnutes in observation. I found myself left standing somewhere when the groups split and mingled and new people came in. In those alone moments I watched. I guess it used to creep people out when I did that in elementary school. I didn't know no one else did it; I just thought I was bad at hiding it. But I watched as the usual groups would coalesce from the mass: Wayne, Jeff, Sean Ramsdell, Corwin and the spouses attached, Newman, Blashill, Rhodes and others; Ready, Curtis, Sherwin; Popp, Raven, McLaughlin; Ludwig and Finnila floated among a couple of groups and then there was Geri, Paulie and me floating around in and out of every group. Then the groups would all blend together for several minutes before breaking apart and reforming into new groups.
As everyone was in their regular group I felt like everything was right. This was the class I remembered. But the amazing thing is the way that the groups would coalesce without the thing that used to be there between us all. At the reunion we were in groups and subgroups not cliques. the malice and indifference was gone. Finally, just like Mr. Powers said it would.
It used to be that I would get suspicious if someone from a clique smiled in my direction for too long. And then I would wait for the attack. In highschool it never came, it was a learned elementary school response [stupid Pavlov]. The smiles were genuine, as were the hugs.
All in all...
deep breath and slow, healing exhale, "aaaah"
Sunday, September 28, 2008
So what now?
For starters, since we've all agreed to keep [new verb from a noun alert!] Facebooking [a 100 million teachers rolling in their graves], I am going to work hard to keep a seasonal rotation of artwork. I have a Halloween project that I started this morning. When it is finished I will be posting it as a greeting to all on Facebook. The Halloween edition of Somerset Studio is out an in my hands. The Poe thing was inspired timing. Dylan and I keep talking about poe when we get to wrok together and I've been yelling at the crows in the yard "Nevermore!" when they wake my but up ahead of the alarm. Synchronicitous [there they go again]. It is a Duh kind of a choice. But the project goes beyond my comfort zone.
Kathy will maybe attempt a pumpkin decorating contest so when I get it posted I will offer it as the starter pumpkin. She got the idea from a Martha knockoff magazine that had a gorgeous Spooky Cinderella pumpkin carriage. I'll post more on that later.
Then I will have to collect some more phone numbers. When the money gets here an I am moved, I will have people to contact for a movie or whatever. I might even have found someone to bike ride with this Spring. I'm not ready for a touring schedule. But I can definately start with the TART Trail.
Moving... I have got to move. I have got to know that money is coming.
In the immediate future, I will have to get some sleep. I stayed out with Breightupt and the Witkop boys till 2:30 and woke up at 8:30, painted the base coat, sketched out the layout and applied the first layer of cut outs to the pumpkin, had a delightful quiche, been on line since 10 ish and now its 12:27. I've got a 7 day work week coming again so I need to sleep and launder my uniform.
Kathy will maybe attempt a pumpkin decorating contest so when I get it posted I will offer it as the starter pumpkin. She got the idea from a Martha knockoff magazine that had a gorgeous Spooky Cinderella pumpkin carriage. I'll post more on that later.
Then I will have to collect some more phone numbers. When the money gets here an I am moved, I will have people to contact for a movie or whatever. I might even have found someone to bike ride with this Spring. I'm not ready for a touring schedule. But I can definately start with the TART Trail.
Moving... I have got to move. I have got to know that money is coming.
In the immediate future, I will have to get some sleep. I stayed out with Breightupt and the Witkop boys till 2:30 and woke up at 8:30, painted the base coat, sketched out the layout and applied the first layer of cut outs to the pumpkin, had a delightful quiche, been on line since 10 ish and now its 12:27. I've got a 7 day work week coming again so I need to sleep and launder my uniform.
it was the mildest interpretation of my fantasy but more satisfying than anything I could come up with on my own
He Who gave me that hug right in front of the Liar. It was welcoming and conveyed great affection despite its short duration and mild force. It said "Welcome, I missed you." in the most subtle of ways. Nothing of that surprising Spring morning when he froze in line at the gas station remained. I felt nothing of my old crush either. Just relief that we were okay after all these years. It was exactly what I wanted.
I was surprised that the Universe left the scene as I wrote it. I had expected something all too brief that would leave me weepy. He an his wife walked in and he waved at everyone, made eye contact with me, approached when he could. I was in the middle of a conversation with a couple of people when he came up. His hug started wide just as the Liar walked passed and glared at me for the umpteenth time. I made eye contact with her just as I was going in to return the hug. I didn't see her blanche but I did feel a hit in my sacral chakra. That is the seat of our identity. She apparently still holds the belief that she can define me, as the sacral wouldn't have been hit otherwise. I know he hasn't read my blog to know that is what I wanted. He is more technophobic than I am. I know, I was surprised too. In that moment, wrapped in mercy, I felt that Universe freeze time for just an instant. I felt the message go out to receptive and nonreceptive alike... "She will not be attacked anymore." I felt someone/something in the Universe make it abundantly clear to those who intefere as well as to myself that what had been wrong will be right and what never was wrong will no longer be cloaked in the grey veil of uncertainty.
He was completely companionable. He joined our discussion. We were just getting to my turn when another came up and interrupted the flow. The discussion shifted and for a few minutes we were stuck. He tried to find an opening to turn the floor to me. Then his wife came up. While the three of us were engrossed in the conversation he told her our names and after a few minutes they wandered off elsewhere. At the end of their time with us, He made sure to say goodbye, again making eye contact.
The overall effect of the night is that everything is okay. I'm okay with him. I'm pretty okay with the accomplice because, I suspect, she was just a pawn as well. We've made plans to hang out when she is here later this winter.
The best part of the night was receiving validation for my prior supposition.
I am not the only one who noticed that we all get along better now. Several people agreed that we seemed to have grown into very cool people. The boys who picked on me so much in elementary school embraced like brothers and good friends. And I realized finally that they only teased. The picking happened at home. The interpretation I gave their actions was a hypersensitive response to what went on elsewhere. The two Matts were not malicious. Of course their were others that were malicious, but they weren't at the reunion. They didn't stay passed our sophomore year. We just needed time to feel good in our skins, find out who we are without worrying so much about what Fr. Niece would do, or embarrassing our parents. And in many ways, we are the family that Mr. Powers kept telling us we were.
I've known most of them almost as long as I've had siblings. And these are the people who remember me almost exclusively as an artist and would never dream of telling me not to be. As a matter of fact, everyone I told about my impending plans for my own business was more encouraging than I could possibly have imagined. I am so glad that I went.
I was surprised that the Universe left the scene as I wrote it. I had expected something all too brief that would leave me weepy. He an his wife walked in and he waved at everyone, made eye contact with me, approached when he could. I was in the middle of a conversation with a couple of people when he came up. His hug started wide just as the Liar walked passed and glared at me for the umpteenth time. I made eye contact with her just as I was going in to return the hug. I didn't see her blanche but I did feel a hit in my sacral chakra. That is the seat of our identity. She apparently still holds the belief that she can define me, as the sacral wouldn't have been hit otherwise. I know he hasn't read my blog to know that is what I wanted. He is more technophobic than I am. I know, I was surprised too. In that moment, wrapped in mercy, I felt that Universe freeze time for just an instant. I felt the message go out to receptive and nonreceptive alike... "She will not be attacked anymore." I felt someone/something in the Universe make it abundantly clear to those who intefere as well as to myself that what had been wrong will be right and what never was wrong will no longer be cloaked in the grey veil of uncertainty.
He was completely companionable. He joined our discussion. We were just getting to my turn when another came up and interrupted the flow. The discussion shifted and for a few minutes we were stuck. He tried to find an opening to turn the floor to me. Then his wife came up. While the three of us were engrossed in the conversation he told her our names and after a few minutes they wandered off elsewhere. At the end of their time with us, He made sure to say goodbye, again making eye contact.
The overall effect of the night is that everything is okay. I'm okay with him. I'm pretty okay with the accomplice because, I suspect, she was just a pawn as well. We've made plans to hang out when she is here later this winter.
The best part of the night was receiving validation for my prior supposition.
I am not the only one who noticed that we all get along better now. Several people agreed that we seemed to have grown into very cool people. The boys who picked on me so much in elementary school embraced like brothers and good friends. And I realized finally that they only teased. The picking happened at home. The interpretation I gave their actions was a hypersensitive response to what went on elsewhere. The two Matts were not malicious. Of course their were others that were malicious, but they weren't at the reunion. They didn't stay passed our sophomore year. We just needed time to feel good in our skins, find out who we are without worrying so much about what Fr. Niece would do, or embarrassing our parents. And in many ways, we are the family that Mr. Powers kept telling us we were.
I've known most of them almost as long as I've had siblings. And these are the people who remember me almost exclusively as an artist and would never dream of telling me not to be. As a matter of fact, everyone I told about my impending plans for my own business was more encouraging than I could possibly have imagined. I am so glad that I went.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)