To ACG on his new romance. I don't know why it is that the Love Boat theme is running through my head right now. It is better than Spongebob, but still, I would much prefer to have something a bit more fitting of a Library eperience running through my head than...
"set a course for adventure your mind on a new romance..."
Saturday, October 25, 2008
New classes began
Verta hosted a new class at her house. Finally! With the weird energy that has been making us all nuts for the last 8-10 weeks, we haven't done any work. The whole experience is brand new with four fresh faces. It was wonderful to get back into this even if we covered some old ground. I will have to write a better update later. I left my notes at home since I was in a hurry to get going this morning. Link over to the heritage blog for today's adventure.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
What to look for in a new place
I know I need to get out of the place I am. It has mold and even though Concribium is available at Home Depot, it isn't healthy. It's not healthy on many levels. Namely the fact that my brother can walk through the place anytime he wants to and I can't stop him. He has no sense of decency and everytime he does it I want to spend less and less time there. But, in more ways than the mold and the brother, I'm in an unhealthy place.
My mind is racing all the time to find a solution to these issues. The only one I see clearly is to dump it all and run. That has to be the least healthy option. The other is to dig in my heels and get stuff done. ACG is building that site and I am taking the requisite pictures. But that isn't putting propane in the tank. I still think that the best option is to do the copy writing thing and let taht carry me into the artwork. Let's face it, a minimun wage job isn't going to get me anywhere.
And I guess that was the whole point of bullying me into it. I won't get anywhere. So I won't be a threat to their own successes. Dad told me a couple of times before he died that one of the reasons he never really encouraged me like he did Pam was because Pam struggled for everything. "You, you pick up a book, read it and get it right away. You never had to really think hard about the school work. Pam did." Math, my bane, may have been the only subject which she understood intuitively where I had to struggle with it. He also said that he shouldn't have let her talk him into our family deal. He realized she made my life hard because for her it was and the ease with which I navigated it seemed unfair to her. Brother... I don't know about. Oh I postulate that he is jealous and that he has had success by working for others that my own success would somehow feel like his failure because he couldn't do it on his own.
This is all great but what do I do with it now? I don't manage money well anymore. If I don't spend it then someone will come along and take it. So now I have spent myself into a hole that may take me longer than I have to get out of. If Carter could only buy us a few more seconds with a plasma beam or a small wormhole.... better yet... a time dilation device. Then I would have all the time I need to find the answer and implement it before my world implodes.
And I think that ACG might also be right that I am running toward a relationship to run away from the diffivulties I'm suffering through.
It sucks because I made the mess and I don't know how to clean it up. It isn't like I ahve 37 minutes after the breakdown of the dire dituation is stated in the first 11 minutes of the show. I don't have a staff of writers or a team to yank my ass out of the line of fire. It's just me and the stupid choices I made trying not to make more stupid choices. UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
My mind is racing all the time to find a solution to these issues. The only one I see clearly is to dump it all and run. That has to be the least healthy option. The other is to dig in my heels and get stuff done. ACG is building that site and I am taking the requisite pictures. But that isn't putting propane in the tank. I still think that the best option is to do the copy writing thing and let taht carry me into the artwork. Let's face it, a minimun wage job isn't going to get me anywhere.
And I guess that was the whole point of bullying me into it. I won't get anywhere. So I won't be a threat to their own successes. Dad told me a couple of times before he died that one of the reasons he never really encouraged me like he did Pam was because Pam struggled for everything. "You, you pick up a book, read it and get it right away. You never had to really think hard about the school work. Pam did." Math, my bane, may have been the only subject which she understood intuitively where I had to struggle with it. He also said that he shouldn't have let her talk him into our family deal. He realized she made my life hard because for her it was and the ease with which I navigated it seemed unfair to her. Brother... I don't know about. Oh I postulate that he is jealous and that he has had success by working for others that my own success would somehow feel like his failure because he couldn't do it on his own.
This is all great but what do I do with it now? I don't manage money well anymore. If I don't spend it then someone will come along and take it. So now I have spent myself into a hole that may take me longer than I have to get out of. If Carter could only buy us a few more seconds with a plasma beam or a small wormhole.... better yet... a time dilation device. Then I would have all the time I need to find the answer and implement it before my world implodes.
And I think that ACG might also be right that I am running toward a relationship to run away from the diffivulties I'm suffering through.
It sucks because I made the mess and I don't know how to clean it up. It isn't like I ahve 37 minutes after the breakdown of the dire dituation is stated in the first 11 minutes of the show. I don't have a staff of writers or a team to yank my ass out of the line of fire. It's just me and the stupid choices I made trying not to make more stupid choices. UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
photo commentary
I found something today that amused me. Will post when I figure out how to get it from camera to computer. In a nutshell:
Empty paper box in front of Beaners (Biggby's for the PC). The self advertising section at the bottom read "There's good news... and then there's Excellent news." above a Record Eagle banner.
No more Record Eagle? The best news ever. It isn't a poem, that Excellent shouldn't be capitalized. Leave it lower case or make it all caps. Sheesh.
Anyway, the best news is that the picture turned out AWESOME!
Empty paper box in front of Beaners (Biggby's for the PC). The self advertising section at the bottom read "There's good news... and then there's Excellent news." above a Record Eagle banner.
No more Record Eagle? The best news ever. It isn't a poem, that Excellent shouldn't be capitalized. Leave it lower case or make it all caps. Sheesh.
Anyway, the best news is that the picture turned out AWESOME!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I am the Pumpkin King!
I finally won a game of Risk! in ten rounds I conquered the whole freakin' world! Yeeeeeeee haw!
Of course that was against a computer on Shockwave. But still.... never in my whole life have I had such a success with that game. Hey! Gotta take your glory when you get it.
Of course that was against a computer on Shockwave. But still.... never in my whole life have I had such a success with that game. Hey! Gotta take your glory when you get it.
so when is honest too honest
I don't think that I will have a definitive answer for that question.
MA has been told about my spiritual background, about the issues I had with a church(es) and about my wanting to be more in tune with my Jewish heritage. I didn't tell him that to make him back off. I told him that because I have been accused of withholding information and been dumped by a church for withholding. I thought it was fair to warn him before he got too serious about this whole marriage thing he keeps talking about. I do not want anyone else to accuse me of withholding.
So what I said today was that I was glad he had been understanding and that I may just have been PMSing. Which is true. I might have been. PMS leads me to paranoia and I tend to make more out of things than there has to be. So I said thanks for the patience.
My thanks may have been premature as I got a voicemail (I was not in a receptive area so he had no choice) that says I "better learn to let go and let God." Hhhmmm... where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, from people who expect me to roll over and play dead. Chinese calendar says I am a dog but I don't have to live like one and I will not ever be treated like one again.
MA says I am shooting myself in the foot. That I am pushing him away. I don't know how that interpretation gets slapped onto my declarations that I am stating such and such as a matter of honesty.
ACG warned me that there was something afoot. And my own intuition said there was bound to be a problem with something. And this is it. When you tell a person they better do this and that, you tell the person that your authority will be the only thing that is accepted. I had the feeling that this would be the case. Not because of that stupid Scorpio crap. But because of the Christian thing. That is the way that most churchgoing, Bible carrying members of that faith approach relationships. One person is right the other person has to get right with God. Even if she has been baptized. There are a host of ways that could have been handled better. I don't need to be coddled but it might have been nice to be told "I don't think I understand what you mean, more details please." or if he did get what I was trying to say (I don't think he did), "Don't worry so much about what other people think" would have been nice. Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to hear "It doesn't matter." and I wanted to be able to believe him.
And so I ask myself did I do the right thing? Is that something that should have waited until we were in marriage counseling? Because I am fairly certain that if that had popped out in front of Pastor "Greatest thing since Paul" he would have accused me of withholding information. That pastor would have called me a liar too. And so would MA. So I tell him something that worries me, I even give him the out of PMS so that he can just chalk it up to me being a stupid girl and I am told something that I interpreted as "You better shape up or ship out." As if I need to hear that again. Scorpio's sting? Christian male determination? Or TMI?
The world may never know. If Mr. Owl weren't a hack I'd go ask him.
MA has been told about my spiritual background, about the issues I had with a church(es) and about my wanting to be more in tune with my Jewish heritage. I didn't tell him that to make him back off. I told him that because I have been accused of withholding information and been dumped by a church for withholding. I thought it was fair to warn him before he got too serious about this whole marriage thing he keeps talking about. I do not want anyone else to accuse me of withholding.
So what I said today was that I was glad he had been understanding and that I may just have been PMSing. Which is true. I might have been. PMS leads me to paranoia and I tend to make more out of things than there has to be. So I said thanks for the patience.
My thanks may have been premature as I got a voicemail (I was not in a receptive area so he had no choice) that says I "better learn to let go and let God." Hhhmmm... where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, from people who expect me to roll over and play dead. Chinese calendar says I am a dog but I don't have to live like one and I will not ever be treated like one again.
MA says I am shooting myself in the foot. That I am pushing him away. I don't know how that interpretation gets slapped onto my declarations that I am stating such and such as a matter of honesty.
ACG warned me that there was something afoot. And my own intuition said there was bound to be a problem with something. And this is it. When you tell a person they better do this and that, you tell the person that your authority will be the only thing that is accepted. I had the feeling that this would be the case. Not because of that stupid Scorpio crap. But because of the Christian thing. That is the way that most churchgoing, Bible carrying members of that faith approach relationships. One person is right the other person has to get right with God. Even if she has been baptized. There are a host of ways that could have been handled better. I don't need to be coddled but it might have been nice to be told "I don't think I understand what you mean, more details please." or if he did get what I was trying to say (I don't think he did), "Don't worry so much about what other people think" would have been nice. Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to hear "It doesn't matter." and I wanted to be able to believe him.
And so I ask myself did I do the right thing? Is that something that should have waited until we were in marriage counseling? Because I am fairly certain that if that had popped out in front of Pastor "Greatest thing since Paul" he would have accused me of withholding information. That pastor would have called me a liar too. And so would MA. So I tell him something that worries me, I even give him the out of PMS so that he can just chalk it up to me being a stupid girl and I am told something that I interpreted as "You better shape up or ship out." As if I need to hear that again. Scorpio's sting? Christian male determination? Or TMI?
The world may never know. If Mr. Owl weren't a hack I'd go ask him.
so you have a digicam and you think you can use it
uh... yeah?
Big question mark on that.
I know for certain that I can not take my own picture with it. I look like I am trying too hard.
The art shots are pretty good in one sense. The warm tone art shoots rather well. Nothing looks washed out by the flash, the detail shows up. Although I didn't take any of the closeups with the macro lens. I thought I had but it turns out that I had not. So those will have to be re shot. I did manage to get the ISO setting figured out tolerably well. That will keep me from overexposing the shots.
The picture that I love the most is the painting I most don't want to sell. It is an acrylic of 3 and a half mangoes. They are rather warm toned while the back ground is a cool wash that looks like they are sitting outside on a ledge near a faded building. They are closeup so the background really is only a suggestion. I love this thing. I did it for some class work. And the best part of finishing the painting was getting to eat the models!
The camera did a fantastic job at reproducing it. Which means to me that I finally figured out how to set the stupid thing to take a great picture. So why, when I look at the Heart Chakra painting do I not see the painting?
I don't know how to describe what is wrong with it. The background is a combination of translucent and opaque greens, the jar is a medium green with some reds and blues in it and the olive toned flower looks washed out. But, it is the only thing that looks like I see it when I look at it in person. It almost seems to me that the light bounced through the translucent layers even with the flash suppression function activated. Talk about FRUSTRATING!!!
if I don't get the hang of this I'll never get photos to ACG for the site.
I didn't mention that ACG was building a website to sell my artwork did I? Oops. ACG is building me a website to sell my artwork that will eventually sell the stamps and etc when there is etc to sell. ACG is totally awesome!!! And he RAWKS!!!
Hhhhmmmm.... maybe the problem with the photos is where I took them. It wasn't exactly natural northern light. But I don't think it was so far off as t o do that to my pretty picture. No way to tell for sure except to reshoot.
And here is where I love the digi cam. I don't have to waste 9 bucks developing a roll of film that will turn out to be crap. I can see my mistake before I have to pay for it and take steps to correct it. Boy.... I sure could use that function on a lot of things in life. :)
Big question mark on that.
I know for certain that I can not take my own picture with it. I look like I am trying too hard.
The art shots are pretty good in one sense. The warm tone art shoots rather well. Nothing looks washed out by the flash, the detail shows up. Although I didn't take any of the closeups with the macro lens. I thought I had but it turns out that I had not. So those will have to be re shot. I did manage to get the ISO setting figured out tolerably well. That will keep me from overexposing the shots.
The picture that I love the most is the painting I most don't want to sell. It is an acrylic of 3 and a half mangoes. They are rather warm toned while the back ground is a cool wash that looks like they are sitting outside on a ledge near a faded building. They are closeup so the background really is only a suggestion. I love this thing. I did it for some class work. And the best part of finishing the painting was getting to eat the models!
The camera did a fantastic job at reproducing it. Which means to me that I finally figured out how to set the stupid thing to take a great picture. So why, when I look at the Heart Chakra painting do I not see the painting?
I don't know how to describe what is wrong with it. The background is a combination of translucent and opaque greens, the jar is a medium green with some reds and blues in it and the olive toned flower looks washed out. But, it is the only thing that looks like I see it when I look at it in person. It almost seems to me that the light bounced through the translucent layers even with the flash suppression function activated. Talk about FRUSTRATING!!!
if I don't get the hang of this I'll never get photos to ACG for the site.
I didn't mention that ACG was building a website to sell my artwork did I? Oops. ACG is building me a website to sell my artwork that will eventually sell the stamps and etc when there is etc to sell. ACG is totally awesome!!! And he RAWKS!!!
Hhhhmmmm.... maybe the problem with the photos is where I took them. It wasn't exactly natural northern light. But I don't think it was so far off as t o do that to my pretty picture. No way to tell for sure except to reshoot.
And here is where I love the digi cam. I don't have to waste 9 bucks developing a roll of film that will turn out to be crap. I can see my mistake before I have to pay for it and take steps to correct it. Boy.... I sure could use that function on a lot of things in life. :)
inside the Actor's studio
with Wil Wheaton: This is something I tell actors all the time: you have to find ways to enjoy auditions, and as hard as it is, as counter intuitive as it is, you just can't make success or failure about booking the job. You have to make success or failure about enjoying yourself. You've got to enjoy the process of creating the character, preparing the audition, and then giving the people on the otherside of the desk whatever your take on the character is. You absolutely can not go in there and give them what you think they want.
Again, these are words that apply to more than acting. You could fill in acting for anything that one wishes to attain. And I substitute art for acting. The paralels don't seem to be exact enough on the surface put I have to point out that for an artist to achieve any success at all, the art must leave the atelier. An actor that never leaves the privacy and security of their bedroom mirror never gets paid for their work. So an actor takes it on the road and does auditions and gets gigs. As the actor leaves his room, the artist must leave the studio. In this, the initial presentation to an agent or a jury is the audition. The gig is the show. And it can not be, as Wil said, about booking the job. It has to be about enjoying the artwork. Michelle Ward would agree. She has said as much to me in the past.
I have not made any public appearances since the 12th grade show that Mrs. Rodek made me be present for. If being present and mingling with the crowd were not half the grade, I would have stayed home. I wasn't comfortable with the concept of being where I could hear what people had to say about my work. I loved a lot of what my classmates produced and had heard them ripped to shreds at the Fall show. The audience in this case was not typical of a real outside the home town audience. They expect art to be made for them and not have to work to find an artist with a comparable voice to their own taste. In otherwords, if it wasn't religious or cherries it wasn't good enough for anything. So I really wasn't prepared for anything come the Spring show.
The day of the show I was a complete basket case. I will always remember John and Wayne fondly for making every attempt at genial encouragement. They both hovered like mother hens until I was warmed up and laughing. And when Mom swooped in to ruin it, they both were fiercely contradictory of her criticisms so that Mrs. Rodek only had to tell mom that she should be very proud of my work and the energy that I put into everything. Still, I did not enjoy the whole show. And it soured me on doing it again.
I enjoy so much of the process of creating that I would rather always be creating. I can get lost in the chosing of colors and materials, textures and contrasts and the way that a blank white canvas evolves into something more that a bit of this and that slapped onto something. But if I am ever to make money with art, I have to, as Wil says, find a way to enjoy the audition. This is the point at which I get stuck all the time.
Michelle was the one who pushed for me to submit work to Somerset Studio. The audition happened so far away that I couldn't focus at all on how they were evaluating my work. So I just kept right on working and living daily life and then the confirmation letter came which was almost as exciting as the day the magazine came. And I have had work accepted everytime I have submitted. It doesn't pay. I have canvases that I enjoyed putting together languishing on my walls while people are clamoring to see what I have done. Michelle so enjoys EVERY aspect of art... developing, experimenting, creating, showing, teaching and selling that the enthusiasm really does the selling for her. She makes everything look effortless. I don't know how she does it. She somehow has found a way to enjoy everything about it. The money flows from that. Just as Wil says that if you enjoy the process but don't get that gig, you get the short list for the next gig that the casting director is booking. And that is the way it works for Michelle.
I have to find a way to enjoy this part of the process. If I don't then there is no way I can go out and sell my own designs even if I have the equipment to produce them.
Again, these are words that apply to more than acting. You could fill in acting for anything that one wishes to attain. And I substitute art for acting. The paralels don't seem to be exact enough on the surface put I have to point out that for an artist to achieve any success at all, the art must leave the atelier. An actor that never leaves the privacy and security of their bedroom mirror never gets paid for their work. So an actor takes it on the road and does auditions and gets gigs. As the actor leaves his room, the artist must leave the studio. In this, the initial presentation to an agent or a jury is the audition. The gig is the show. And it can not be, as Wil said, about booking the job. It has to be about enjoying the artwork. Michelle Ward would agree. She has said as much to me in the past.
I have not made any public appearances since the 12th grade show that Mrs. Rodek made me be present for. If being present and mingling with the crowd were not half the grade, I would have stayed home. I wasn't comfortable with the concept of being where I could hear what people had to say about my work. I loved a lot of what my classmates produced and had heard them ripped to shreds at the Fall show. The audience in this case was not typical of a real outside the home town audience. They expect art to be made for them and not have to work to find an artist with a comparable voice to their own taste. In otherwords, if it wasn't religious or cherries it wasn't good enough for anything. So I really wasn't prepared for anything come the Spring show.
The day of the show I was a complete basket case. I will always remember John and Wayne fondly for making every attempt at genial encouragement. They both hovered like mother hens until I was warmed up and laughing. And when Mom swooped in to ruin it, they both were fiercely contradictory of her criticisms so that Mrs. Rodek only had to tell mom that she should be very proud of my work and the energy that I put into everything. Still, I did not enjoy the whole show. And it soured me on doing it again.
I enjoy so much of the process of creating that I would rather always be creating. I can get lost in the chosing of colors and materials, textures and contrasts and the way that a blank white canvas evolves into something more that a bit of this and that slapped onto something. But if I am ever to make money with art, I have to, as Wil says, find a way to enjoy the audition. This is the point at which I get stuck all the time.
Michelle was the one who pushed for me to submit work to Somerset Studio. The audition happened so far away that I couldn't focus at all on how they were evaluating my work. So I just kept right on working and living daily life and then the confirmation letter came which was almost as exciting as the day the magazine came. And I have had work accepted everytime I have submitted. It doesn't pay. I have canvases that I enjoyed putting together languishing on my walls while people are clamoring to see what I have done. Michelle so enjoys EVERY aspect of art... developing, experimenting, creating, showing, teaching and selling that the enthusiasm really does the selling for her. She makes everything look effortless. I don't know how she does it. She somehow has found a way to enjoy everything about it. The money flows from that. Just as Wil says that if you enjoy the process but don't get that gig, you get the short list for the next gig that the casting director is booking. And that is the way it works for Michelle.
I have to find a way to enjoy this part of the process. If I don't then there is no way I can go out and sell my own designs even if I have the equipment to produce them.
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHOCKING REVALATION!!!!!!!!!
I'm in my own way. Again. Sure the brother doesn't help. But I am distracted by getting around him and not getting around to me. DAMN! Even if I had the money for the equipment the stamp business cannot succeed until I am ready to leave the studio. So now this makes last week's stupid idea all the more important to engage. I have a ready made guest list from the highschool reunion, a friend who can maybe get me a place for a weekend and enough finished pieces for a modest show. And one vote from Wayne that I do this. I'll count ACG ahead of his voiced vote cause I know he will love the idea. It'll be a dry run. I don't expect anyone to buy stuff since things are so tight here. But with that openhouse/show I can figure out how to enjoy this process. Crap! I don't know the first thing about hosting an event of this magnitude. Who to tap...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Daniel, did you dial the right address?
We've been to the planet before, kids.
I know I never told you about the guy who swore that G'd told him we were going to be married. It was during the peek phase of my psi emergence. I was at the point where I could speak everything my friend Lee was saying to me as he said it... off the top of his head. It was eerie and it scared both of us.
So we are in this home fellowship group. I have a crush on one guy, Lee can't make up his mind if he likes me or not but we spend tons of time together because we are the only geeks either of us know and this other guy, we'll call him TrekII keeps getting caught staring at me. I'm the one who would catch him.
It was rude and inappropriate. I babysat our group leader's kids frequently and he would stop by to talk to her. I'd turn around and there he was staring over my shoulder and down my shirt. Never ever knew how long he'd been there before I caught him because you never could hear him coming up on your six. As Summer got into full swing and the kids and I were at the beach, I'd catch him staring at my swimsuited behind. And he would keep staring even after I gave him the "Eyes back in the sockets or I feed them to the Goa'uld" look better known as "Rodney you're a pig" look. At first, when he couldn't cover his actions I thought it had something to do with his mental state. I forget what it was that Trek II had, but it impared his speech and cognitive functions so that working in an ER would be a bad idea. Well pretty soon she was sending "us" on errands. Then I get a bunch of flowers and cards in the mail on a regular basis. No one could say I wasn't being pursued. Except our small group leader who frequently said it was my imagination... up until the flowers came.
Well, I kept telling her that there was no way I was doing anything about he guy I had a crush on because I didn't want a guy around. She kept smiling that imbecilic smile that people give you when they are trying to tell you that they know better than you do. Well, this goes on intolerably for about two months. I began to dread every function. And I kept telling her I wasn't interested. And then she pull out the stopper: she expects that I would make a great mate for Trek II, who now has his sites set on pastoring, because I am smart enough to edit his sermons and have all kinds of talents that a pastor's wife needs to have. Great! But the key talent and quality needed to be a pastor's wife is to have any feeling beyond loathing for said pastor. So I tell Lee what I think is going on. He says I'm nuts. We bet. I tell him exactly how the next "family" dinner is going to go. Trek II and I will be sent on an errand to the grocer and then she will arrange for Lee to be gone from the room when we sit down so that Trek II and I will be forced to sit together. She got Lee out of the room alright. She took him into the kitchen to tell him to stay away from me because TrekII had "a message from G'd that I was to be his wife and help mate". I got a similar message: "Trek II thinks that you were meant for him. RUN! Run for your life! Run for all you're worth." I wasn't destined to stay in that group for long and I wasn't destined to be his helpmate.
After dinner Lee tells me what she said. I tell him what happened while he was gone and I tell him that the time was coming when he was going to announce his attentions in the group. He was never going to ask me out for a date, to get coffee, nothing, he was just going to propose in front of everyone with the certainty that he was in the right. That just because he believed that G'd told him something was so that he didn't have to go through proper channels.
And here is where we get to the present. And this is where the space time continuum gets a little fuzzy. MA has no stated intention of becoming a pastor, but he was certain that my response to his initial flirt meant that his life was a go for launch. I'm not saying it isn't, and he is going through the steps, he's just taking them at about four a time. It's this idea that this is somehow ordained that bothers me. That is where I think I've been to this planet before.
And it rankles my self determination. Unlike Trek II, I have not been told to run for the hills. At this point, G'd, my guides and my heart are saying this isn't a bad thing and the immediate future will unfold with greater information so do not pass judgement. I take this to mean that MA isn't completely wrong for me. It's just that I am so unnerved by the sense of deja vous that I am ready to don the she woman man haters persona again.
Trust me... I'm not she-woman and I don't hate them. I just wonder why it is that when they "know" something it has more credence than when a woman "knows" something? So maybe it isn't the deja vous that rankles so much as it is my sense of justice. Spiritual gifts, such as discernment, are not stronger by gender, though that would seem to be the line that is drawn in the sand mandala.
And now I have a splitting headache from all this wondering. Why can't relationships be simple and unpresupposing? Why don't I ever learn?
And why do I think that I am going to make MA very very angry? Or at the very least disappointed? I am to his faith what SG-1 was to Tomin. That can't be a good thing unless he is beginning to see the Ori for what they are and is two baby steps into his journey out of the fold. But what are the odds?
I know I never told you about the guy who swore that G'd told him we were going to be married. It was during the peek phase of my psi emergence. I was at the point where I could speak everything my friend Lee was saying to me as he said it... off the top of his head. It was eerie and it scared both of us.
So we are in this home fellowship group. I have a crush on one guy, Lee can't make up his mind if he likes me or not but we spend tons of time together because we are the only geeks either of us know and this other guy, we'll call him TrekII keeps getting caught staring at me. I'm the one who would catch him.
It was rude and inappropriate. I babysat our group leader's kids frequently and he would stop by to talk to her. I'd turn around and there he was staring over my shoulder and down my shirt. Never ever knew how long he'd been there before I caught him because you never could hear him coming up on your six. As Summer got into full swing and the kids and I were at the beach, I'd catch him staring at my swimsuited behind. And he would keep staring even after I gave him the "Eyes back in the sockets or I feed them to the Goa'uld" look better known as "Rodney you're a pig" look. At first, when he couldn't cover his actions I thought it had something to do with his mental state. I forget what it was that Trek II had, but it impared his speech and cognitive functions so that working in an ER would be a bad idea. Well pretty soon she was sending "us" on errands. Then I get a bunch of flowers and cards in the mail on a regular basis. No one could say I wasn't being pursued. Except our small group leader who frequently said it was my imagination... up until the flowers came.
Well, I kept telling her that there was no way I was doing anything about he guy I had a crush on because I didn't want a guy around. She kept smiling that imbecilic smile that people give you when they are trying to tell you that they know better than you do. Well, this goes on intolerably for about two months. I began to dread every function. And I kept telling her I wasn't interested. And then she pull out the stopper: she expects that I would make a great mate for Trek II, who now has his sites set on pastoring, because I am smart enough to edit his sermons and have all kinds of talents that a pastor's wife needs to have. Great! But the key talent and quality needed to be a pastor's wife is to have any feeling beyond loathing for said pastor. So I tell Lee what I think is going on. He says I'm nuts. We bet. I tell him exactly how the next "family" dinner is going to go. Trek II and I will be sent on an errand to the grocer and then she will arrange for Lee to be gone from the room when we sit down so that Trek II and I will be forced to sit together. She got Lee out of the room alright. She took him into the kitchen to tell him to stay away from me because TrekII had "a message from G'd that I was to be his wife and help mate". I got a similar message: "Trek II thinks that you were meant for him. RUN! Run for your life! Run for all you're worth." I wasn't destined to stay in that group for long and I wasn't destined to be his helpmate.
After dinner Lee tells me what she said. I tell him what happened while he was gone and I tell him that the time was coming when he was going to announce his attentions in the group. He was never going to ask me out for a date, to get coffee, nothing, he was just going to propose in front of everyone with the certainty that he was in the right. That just because he believed that G'd told him something was so that he didn't have to go through proper channels.
And here is where we get to the present. And this is where the space time continuum gets a little fuzzy. MA has no stated intention of becoming a pastor, but he was certain that my response to his initial flirt meant that his life was a go for launch. I'm not saying it isn't, and he is going through the steps, he's just taking them at about four a time. It's this idea that this is somehow ordained that bothers me. That is where I think I've been to this planet before.
And it rankles my self determination. Unlike Trek II, I have not been told to run for the hills. At this point, G'd, my guides and my heart are saying this isn't a bad thing and the immediate future will unfold with greater information so do not pass judgement. I take this to mean that MA isn't completely wrong for me. It's just that I am so unnerved by the sense of deja vous that I am ready to don the she woman man haters persona again.
Trust me... I'm not she-woman and I don't hate them. I just wonder why it is that when they "know" something it has more credence than when a woman "knows" something? So maybe it isn't the deja vous that rankles so much as it is my sense of justice. Spiritual gifts, such as discernment, are not stronger by gender, though that would seem to be the line that is drawn in the sand mandala.
And now I have a splitting headache from all this wondering. Why can't relationships be simple and unpresupposing? Why don't I ever learn?
And why do I think that I am going to make MA very very angry? Or at the very least disappointed? I am to his faith what SG-1 was to Tomin. That can't be a good thing unless he is beginning to see the Ori for what they are and is two baby steps into his journey out of the fold. But what are the odds?
Schroedinger's cat lives
In this version of reality everything is coming up roses. MA says all the right things at exactly the right time and my heart isn't tweaked by the things that have been left unsaid. My finances don't scare him off when I tell him [no, haven't gotten there yet] and his latching on quickly and getting to the marriage topic so soon is attributed easily to his mild Aspberger's syndrome. He assures me that his mother will like me because I am Jewish and that will be all that matters when she sees how happy he is.
I find this prospect appealing on so many levels. On one of those levels, he pledges that I am in charge of the direction that our little enclave is to go. Whatever I want. I know this is not possible but not even those who wanted to seduce me with a false sense of security had that brilliant idea. On another level, I seem to be matched with someone who can meet me in my expectations for marital pasttimes. On other levels the cat is starting to get sick.
I turns out that MA is a messianic Jew, which saddens ACG to no end. I, of course, was a bit unnerved by some of these folks who want a Jewish girl because while I am not a shiksa, I'm not really jewish enough. Hence my use of the small j. But to find that he is messainic was a bit of a surprise. I had wondered what the deal was when ever he mentioned Christmas. I thought it was in deference to my upbringing. But he doesn't celebrate the High Holidays anymore.
This saddens me. I know at some point I will feel ungaurded enough to give my spiel on religious rewrites and the travesty the catholic church under Constantinian tutelage has perpetuated for the last 2000 years. But I can't go there right now. The short form, or rather the conclusion is this: Jesus, Yeshua, was born and raised Jewish and if you eliminate the teachings of the "Apostle" Paul, focus solely on the words of Yeshua, we are all supposed to celebrate the High Holidays, maintain the mitzvot, observe kashrut. We are all supposed to be Jewish. ACG said there was nothing to return to from something else which eliminates Yeshua as the promised Messiah. I don't know enough to disagree so I would not presume to dissaude any Jew from that opinion. But I will say this much as it applies to my opinion of Paul. Paul opened the door to formally Romanizing Judiasm. I think even the Praetors had to realize they could not exterminate every single Jew in the Middle East without collapsing the economy, so, used the teachings of a man they had a hand in eliminating to infiltrate religious orders. And by the 3rd century, having converted so many to a romanized version of their old beliefs [again, I don't know enough and make a broad presumption here, but the life Yeshua lived was not all that different from the teachings of the Zealots, Essenes and some of the the progressive Jewish sects prevalent in the region and thus I conclude that there is something more Jewish in the 1st century church than not] Rome moved on to converting the pagans and began the wholesale assimilation of cultures into what a rational mind can only call a perverse melange of psuedo-spirituality.
ACG can pick himself up off the floor now. And the rest of you may feel free to bring out the dunking stool. This is what, after years of study I believe. I have been looking for the answers to such questions as: why didn't the Gospel writers write epistles? Beyond telling a story where is their "midrash"? What was the fight that Paul had with Peter? And how did Paul replace Peter, who Yeshua named his successor, as the foundation of church doctrine? The argument I have been given by modern church leaders is this, none of the apostles could write. Really? A physician couldn't write? A tax preparer couldn't write? Puh-lease, I am not stupid. And they did write. Those documents are among the papyri found in Q'umran, nothing terribly earth shattering to directly challenge the core of the Matthew 5 teachings. But... it isn't all translated and some big pieces have "gone missing." An early document from Q'umran corresponds to the teachings of several "mystic cults", notable the Manichedeans [spelling error, sorry]. Mani, tells of a great battle between the Teacher and a false prophet. Some say the false one is Jesus. Some say the false one is Paul. I agree with the latter statement. For only one reason, the way in which the False One, the Liar, usurps the Teachers is precisely the way that Paul has superceded the original twelve apostles.
The way the Christian text was canonized calls much into question as well. And then there is the problem with the current translations. Martin Luther went a long way to get around some of the Catholic teachings but never got far enough. And he was the last one to directly challenge the church. So while the protestants are returning to the 1st century model, they are looking at a model based on a 3rd century lie.
Get out your Sting sickness bags: DeDo Do Do... I'm not likely to go back to a christian church even if it is a messainic one because they are probably being taught something other than the scriptures. In this regard, I agree with ACG that they are the worst kind of Jew. I have hope that someone can come along and say Yeshua wasn't teaching to get away from the temple, but to embrace the temple before it was poluted with Roman style abuses. Jesus, specifically said to celebrate Purim. He specifically celbrated the Passover seder with his followers. He didn't say to abandon anything but the corruption that he saw in the temple. That when the rules do not promote life [starving instead of picking a few grains of wheat to get through a grueling sabbath] that there is forgiveness for that.
Again, I don't know enough about Judiasm to give a point by point analysis. I only know that Jesus wasn't teaching a new religion per se. And for that belief alone, just about everyone in the world will declare me a heretic to be burnt in some unpleasant fashion. I have been invited on this path of discovery by Yeshua himself, not as the figure of the Christian church, not as a wandering rabbi, not as an iconoclast but as a fellow creature of Divine creation. I was asked to come along when I was twelve and I could not be confirmed into Catholicism. Nor could I ever fully accept church doctrine. If G'd doesn't tell me its right it isn't right. And I think MA is going to have a very difficult time with that. I think beyond my finances, that is the deal breaker.
Then what?
Cat''s dead.
I find this prospect appealing on so many levels. On one of those levels, he pledges that I am in charge of the direction that our little enclave is to go. Whatever I want. I know this is not possible but not even those who wanted to seduce me with a false sense of security had that brilliant idea. On another level, I seem to be matched with someone who can meet me in my expectations for marital pasttimes. On other levels the cat is starting to get sick.
I turns out that MA is a messianic Jew, which saddens ACG to no end. I, of course, was a bit unnerved by some of these folks who want a Jewish girl because while I am not a shiksa, I'm not really jewish enough. Hence my use of the small j. But to find that he is messainic was a bit of a surprise. I had wondered what the deal was when ever he mentioned Christmas. I thought it was in deference to my upbringing. But he doesn't celebrate the High Holidays anymore.
This saddens me. I know at some point I will feel ungaurded enough to give my spiel on religious rewrites and the travesty the catholic church under Constantinian tutelage has perpetuated for the last 2000 years. But I can't go there right now. The short form, or rather the conclusion is this: Jesus, Yeshua, was born and raised Jewish and if you eliminate the teachings of the "Apostle" Paul, focus solely on the words of Yeshua, we are all supposed to celebrate the High Holidays, maintain the mitzvot, observe kashrut. We are all supposed to be Jewish. ACG said there was nothing to return to from something else which eliminates Yeshua as the promised Messiah. I don't know enough to disagree so I would not presume to dissaude any Jew from that opinion. But I will say this much as it applies to my opinion of Paul. Paul opened the door to formally Romanizing Judiasm. I think even the Praetors had to realize they could not exterminate every single Jew in the Middle East without collapsing the economy, so, used the teachings of a man they had a hand in eliminating to infiltrate religious orders. And by the 3rd century, having converted so many to a romanized version of their old beliefs [again, I don't know enough and make a broad presumption here, but the life Yeshua lived was not all that different from the teachings of the Zealots, Essenes and some of the the progressive Jewish sects prevalent in the region and thus I conclude that there is something more Jewish in the 1st century church than not] Rome moved on to converting the pagans and began the wholesale assimilation of cultures into what a rational mind can only call a perverse melange of psuedo-spirituality.
ACG can pick himself up off the floor now. And the rest of you may feel free to bring out the dunking stool. This is what, after years of study I believe. I have been looking for the answers to such questions as: why didn't the Gospel writers write epistles? Beyond telling a story where is their "midrash"? What was the fight that Paul had with Peter? And how did Paul replace Peter, who Yeshua named his successor, as the foundation of church doctrine? The argument I have been given by modern church leaders is this, none of the apostles could write. Really? A physician couldn't write? A tax preparer couldn't write? Puh-lease, I am not stupid. And they did write. Those documents are among the papyri found in Q'umran, nothing terribly earth shattering to directly challenge the core of the Matthew 5 teachings. But... it isn't all translated and some big pieces have "gone missing." An early document from Q'umran corresponds to the teachings of several "mystic cults", notable the Manichedeans [spelling error, sorry]. Mani, tells of a great battle between the Teacher and a false prophet. Some say the false one is Jesus. Some say the false one is Paul. I agree with the latter statement. For only one reason, the way in which the False One, the Liar, usurps the Teachers is precisely the way that Paul has superceded the original twelve apostles.
The way the Christian text was canonized calls much into question as well. And then there is the problem with the current translations. Martin Luther went a long way to get around some of the Catholic teachings but never got far enough. And he was the last one to directly challenge the church. So while the protestants are returning to the 1st century model, they are looking at a model based on a 3rd century lie.
Get out your Sting sickness bags: DeDo Do Do... I'm not likely to go back to a christian church even if it is a messainic one because they are probably being taught something other than the scriptures. In this regard, I agree with ACG that they are the worst kind of Jew. I have hope that someone can come along and say Yeshua wasn't teaching to get away from the temple, but to embrace the temple before it was poluted with Roman style abuses. Jesus, specifically said to celebrate Purim. He specifically celbrated the Passover seder with his followers. He didn't say to abandon anything but the corruption that he saw in the temple. That when the rules do not promote life [starving instead of picking a few grains of wheat to get through a grueling sabbath] that there is forgiveness for that.
Again, I don't know enough about Judiasm to give a point by point analysis. I only know that Jesus wasn't teaching a new religion per se. And for that belief alone, just about everyone in the world will declare me a heretic to be burnt in some unpleasant fashion. I have been invited on this path of discovery by Yeshua himself, not as the figure of the Christian church, not as a wandering rabbi, not as an iconoclast but as a fellow creature of Divine creation. I was asked to come along when I was twelve and I could not be confirmed into Catholicism. Nor could I ever fully accept church doctrine. If G'd doesn't tell me its right it isn't right. And I think MA is going to have a very difficult time with that. I think beyond my finances, that is the deal breaker.
Then what?
Cat''s dead.
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