Saturday, December 27, 2008
annotation
These posts dated for the 19th of December will be presented in four parts. If they seem dark and daunting now... just wait, they get better. And there is a theme that runs through them that I hope will come across as hopeful and inspired. So no worries and come back soon for the rest ofthe posts.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
12-19-08 part two
That stubborn candle, child of darkness, has spent my time in Traverse eroding my sense of purpose. Art is frivolous. Writing a waste and food crafted by my hands is stupid when it can be strore bought. Long time readers will know that the stubborn candle is my brother. New readers should know that this Waltonesque dream of mine is why he's had so much power to make my burdens heavy: I have expected him to make them light in the way John Walton Jr. did his siblings' trials. I forgot that in following the call there are relationships that must fall away. But in being intimately keyed to dad's health care and maintenance, my personal desire to manifest the familiail connections that we had hoped for as children, that I continued to hope for until recently, allowed me to wander this minefield with the gingerfooted grace of a kender rather than a skilled personel retrieval expert. I flet bad because I hurt his feelings by so easily adopting my brothers and sisters in and out of Christian fellowship. He felt abandoned and unworthy. That is his own issue. I tried to always include him but he would always decline. I made it my issue then. I tried to be less around him. Then he was always around. I never noticed it untol the fllamed guttered close to being extinguished. So i rebell and we start our own private war again. So here I praise G-d for Facebook.
And e-mail. Facebook had aloowed me to reconnect with people hwo have been integral to my development on spiritual and human levels. They have all helped me to become the person I am, even if I never knew how important they would be. Case in point, my classmates from elementary to graduation. Facebook, in allowing reconnection, has brought me out of the isolation induced by my unrealistic expectations of my family relationships. I am neither rock nor island: I feel pain and I cry. And I am not the only person with issues. Facebook has allowed me to remember that cometimes tha candle just has to sit quietly on its stand and keep vigil over those who are lost, lonely, hurt or sick. Sometimes it can crack a joke, ofer healing energy/prayers, congrats or advice. But mostly the candle lit by Mercy's light is just supposed to shine thereby drawing others to warmth, maybe an embrace, but importantly to stand boldly against the dark. That requires a shipload of candles to stand together. A single candle gutters in the wind of a careless whisper or a violent bluster. Like a choir of candles in a Catholic shrine or 8 bold little candles on a menorah- the more cadles that shine the more light. Light dispells darkness.
i had thought, guiltily, that Facebook was a waste of time. I indulged in the time wasting by sensing on occassion that if he knew what Iwas doing he would blow a gasket. Then I opened my e-mail today. The overwhelming majority of messages came from Facebook friends and family. Tucked among the catch up notes was an amzing reminder of a truth that transcends belief systems: G-d uses all things to the good of those who love him.
A friend of mine from Marquette wrote an amazing note on his page. I responded by sending a blurb abck to let him know that his words were recieved and no jusgement was going out to him form me. He sent a blurb back. Then today's email says he thought my response was more amazing than his posted note. While I disagree with the amazing lable, I cannot disagree with the amazing result of two lights dancing. [Name redacted *] shared a scenario that reveals both his character nd G-d's while illustrating the need to have other people in our lives; and to have alife you can live as genuinely as possible, flaws and all. It was amazingly poignant, tender and on a Risk factor of 1-10 (10 being riskiest) he wrote at a level 15 vulnerability. But he gained about 500 strength points.
See when i publish somehting on the internet, or anywhere, there is a huge risk of offending someone or attracting that spite and malice in people who hate the light- even their own. This happens to another friend of mine all the time. With (*) having freshly reconnected with people he hasn't seen in years, he ran the risk of judgement resulting in disconnection ot attack. Could people accept this flawed (*) instead of the (*) they knew? Could his sharing have any real value? Could(*), a born encourager and walking partner, still be used by G-d to serve the light? Yes.
I found value in his words, but more in the expression of trust and the reality that no matter what we are human, mistake making, struggling, mis-stepping humans serving the light as best as this condition llows. (*) reminded me that sometimes we are another person's shelter, rock, refuge because that is what G-d asks us to do. He doesn't ask us to tear each other down. Sometimes we are silent partners, not so silent co creators, and exuberant co-celebrants. We are called to cry, laugh,empathise and joke with others. Sometimes we are just an ear or an eye. But we are always connected. And the only thing really that G-d expects us not to do is diminish each other. We do that all on our own. Believeme, we really don't need help in that department. In reading (*)'s post, you can tell that he didn't need to be reminded of falling short. And I don't need reminding that I fall short. I only need the same love and acceptance that I was given by Grace. (*) reminded me that it is still there. So I reminded him. Nothing amazing- just light kindling. Just celebrating the light. That is my business.
And e-mail. Facebook had aloowed me to reconnect with people hwo have been integral to my development on spiritual and human levels. They have all helped me to become the person I am, even if I never knew how important they would be. Case in point, my classmates from elementary to graduation. Facebook, in allowing reconnection, has brought me out of the isolation induced by my unrealistic expectations of my family relationships. I am neither rock nor island: I feel pain and I cry. And I am not the only person with issues. Facebook has allowed me to remember that cometimes tha candle just has to sit quietly on its stand and keep vigil over those who are lost, lonely, hurt or sick. Sometimes it can crack a joke, ofer healing energy/prayers, congrats or advice. But mostly the candle lit by Mercy's light is just supposed to shine thereby drawing others to warmth, maybe an embrace, but importantly to stand boldly against the dark. That requires a shipload of candles to stand together. A single candle gutters in the wind of a careless whisper or a violent bluster. Like a choir of candles in a Catholic shrine or 8 bold little candles on a menorah- the more cadles that shine the more light. Light dispells darkness.
i had thought, guiltily, that Facebook was a waste of time. I indulged in the time wasting by sensing on occassion that if he knew what Iwas doing he would blow a gasket. Then I opened my e-mail today. The overwhelming majority of messages came from Facebook friends and family. Tucked among the catch up notes was an amzing reminder of a truth that transcends belief systems: G-d uses all things to the good of those who love him.
A friend of mine from Marquette wrote an amazing note on his page. I responded by sending a blurb abck to let him know that his words were recieved and no jusgement was going out to him form me. He sent a blurb back. Then today's email says he thought my response was more amazing than his posted note. While I disagree with the amazing lable, I cannot disagree with the amazing result of two lights dancing. [Name redacted *] shared a scenario that reveals both his character nd G-d's while illustrating the need to have other people in our lives; and to have alife you can live as genuinely as possible, flaws and all. It was amazingly poignant, tender and on a Risk factor of 1-10 (10 being riskiest) he wrote at a level 15 vulnerability. But he gained about 500 strength points.
See when i publish somehting on the internet, or anywhere, there is a huge risk of offending someone or attracting that spite and malice in people who hate the light- even their own. This happens to another friend of mine all the time. With (*) having freshly reconnected with people he hasn't seen in years, he ran the risk of judgement resulting in disconnection ot attack. Could people accept this flawed (*) instead of the (*) they knew? Could his sharing have any real value? Could(*), a born encourager and walking partner, still be used by G-d to serve the light? Yes.
I found value in his words, but more in the expression of trust and the reality that no matter what we are human, mistake making, struggling, mis-stepping humans serving the light as best as this condition llows. (*) reminded me that sometimes we are another person's shelter, rock, refuge because that is what G-d asks us to do. He doesn't ask us to tear each other down. Sometimes we are silent partners, not so silent co creators, and exuberant co-celebrants. We are called to cry, laugh,empathise and joke with others. Sometimes we are just an ear or an eye. But we are always connected. And the only thing really that G-d expects us not to do is diminish each other. We do that all on our own. Believeme, we really don't need help in that department. In reading (*)'s post, you can tell that he didn't need to be reminded of falling short. And I don't need reminding that I fall short. I only need the same love and acceptance that I was given by Grace. (*) reminded me that it is still there. So I reminded him. Nothing amazing- just light kindling. Just celebrating the light. That is my business.
written 12-19-08
I should be asleep since its 3:24 am and I'm the lone housekeeper today. We are down to two main housekeepers since management finally snapped a twig about the people who call in all the time. My twig snapped last week when I worked with a high temp head cold and i have been filling in for another department... you know just to keep it interesting. While it would be nice to blame it on the worry factor that today's shift presents, or the bit o'cheer i had in my hot chocolate upon returning to my 40 degree house, the fact of the matter is I am awake to answer a call.
It would seem in my overwhelming sense of desperation to do the work (home and job) of four people during the passed month I neglected to do the work I am called to. And as I write that line I realize it shouldn't be work. But circumstances being what they are it is work since it is so hard to find the cheer in myself to spread around. I put a tree up last night and today opened my e-mail that I have neglected for a week or better and went to Verta's. The common thread tying those 3 things together can best be summed in a paraphrase from the Dicken's carol : "Humanity is my business."
Humanity needs its traditions and in these dark days when people struggle to hold the desire to live, striving to get to the day when they can drink up sunshine, celebrating th light is my business. As people take risks by engaging in what they hope to be genuine relationships on any status level, as they risk transparency, as they share vulnerability in asking for connection to someone, receiving them and responding with love is my business. Serving light, in this case being light, is my business.
I say this again because it is being hammered into my head that I am a frivolous waste of matter, energy and resources. I am, as counted by my surviving family, what Scrooge called surplus population. And as I struggle to remember my purpose I fight a plunge into permanent darkness. For with such a decree pronounced it is rather difficult to assert, given my financial means, that I am not the sum of my register. After all, I was made by a creator. I was made for a reason and it isn't to live on a hamster wheel for the state a federal coffers.
As Verta opened her heart and home to instruct and guide people in seeing, feeling and being in light so that we can help another out of darkness, being in class is my business. So I answer a call; the call to reflect the light shown to me.
Hannukah begins this weekend. It's start coincides woth Solstice- the point at which darkness is dispelled naturally with our position in the cosmos. It's science, you say. Astronomy, you say. Big flippin' deal you say. It's Christmas time you say. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. But it is all about coming out of darkness. Darkness is required for rest inasmuch as rest requires less light than action. But to live in darkness id to ive in deprivation. No matter what your religious belief, the Creator never intended his creation to be deprived. Total darkness destroyes life physically and metaphysically. Total darkness is entropic. Entropy is decay. Decay celebrates nothing. it is simply non existance.
So here's the thing. Celebration makes a clean shiny place in the heart for the Holy Spirit's light to dance as a candle flame. Hannukah, Solistice, Christmas- whichever; in the time of the year our mids need it the most the impetus to spread joy, to light the flame in abother heart as one bright candle can light a dark one without diminishing itself is found in these holidays. I chose to embrace all of then because personally i think the light more important than the lable.
But I was going to allow one stubborn candle that refuses to shiny tell me that a holiday in my economic situation and my ranking on his loser-meter was frivolous and unbefitting a person who should be begging forgiveness for all my screw ups with every breath I take, every move i make because he is watching me. I already possess the ornamentation. Why not avail myself of previous years' prsoperity? As I already have the means I wouldn't be spending money frivolously. But then the issue isn't about the money is it?
It was about the fivolity. Frivolity comes with joy. Or it at least sends the invitations. Frivolity is both the beginning and culmination of Joy which (just to make a nice holiday package) is Many Lights Dancing. Frivolity and joy are not things that outr stubborn candle approves of in people it deems unworthy. It is insulted by the celebrations of the poor because they have not done enough in his eyes to attain it. It is insulted that I do not accept the standard he bears and beg for daily forgivness from him. It is insulted that I can find joy despite my failed marriage, my divorce, my personal finances and for chosing to allow grace to cover over other unworthy persons' sins. It is insult that i don't grovel for failing to desire to break a sweat in my work, foir the time I have taken to encourage other candles to keep shining, making art, writing words and making food to share with others- even itself.
I already said I was sorry. I already asked for forgivness. I asked many times but accepted the Mercy of the Light and Spirit only once. Once was enough. The light isln't insulted. It is happy to not have to repeatedly light my guttered candle, to concentrate on reaching others who have never been touvhed with the flame of its passion. As for the art, words and food: the Light asks me to share that first to help keep candles with a dim fire alight and second, to encourage others like my previous slef to accept the Mercy and Light. That is my business. So a frivolous holiday tree with a gold and blue menorak ornament in the German tradition is the most fitting celebration I can have. So i bought the Menorak this year. 8.00 won't kill me faster than deprivation will.
It would seem in my overwhelming sense of desperation to do the work (home and job) of four people during the passed month I neglected to do the work I am called to. And as I write that line I realize it shouldn't be work. But circumstances being what they are it is work since it is so hard to find the cheer in myself to spread around. I put a tree up last night and today opened my e-mail that I have neglected for a week or better and went to Verta's. The common thread tying those 3 things together can best be summed in a paraphrase from the Dicken's carol : "Humanity is my business."
Humanity needs its traditions and in these dark days when people struggle to hold the desire to live, striving to get to the day when they can drink up sunshine, celebrating th light is my business. As people take risks by engaging in what they hope to be genuine relationships on any status level, as they risk transparency, as they share vulnerability in asking for connection to someone, receiving them and responding with love is my business. Serving light, in this case being light, is my business.
I say this again because it is being hammered into my head that I am a frivolous waste of matter, energy and resources. I am, as counted by my surviving family, what Scrooge called surplus population. And as I struggle to remember my purpose I fight a plunge into permanent darkness. For with such a decree pronounced it is rather difficult to assert, given my financial means, that I am not the sum of my register. After all, I was made by a creator. I was made for a reason and it isn't to live on a hamster wheel for the state a federal coffers.
As Verta opened her heart and home to instruct and guide people in seeing, feeling and being in light so that we can help another out of darkness, being in class is my business. So I answer a call; the call to reflect the light shown to me.
Hannukah begins this weekend. It's start coincides woth Solstice- the point at which darkness is dispelled naturally with our position in the cosmos. It's science, you say. Astronomy, you say. Big flippin' deal you say. It's Christmas time you say. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. But it is all about coming out of darkness. Darkness is required for rest inasmuch as rest requires less light than action. But to live in darkness id to ive in deprivation. No matter what your religious belief, the Creator never intended his creation to be deprived. Total darkness destroyes life physically and metaphysically. Total darkness is entropic. Entropy is decay. Decay celebrates nothing. it is simply non existance.
So here's the thing. Celebration makes a clean shiny place in the heart for the Holy Spirit's light to dance as a candle flame. Hannukah, Solistice, Christmas- whichever; in the time of the year our mids need it the most the impetus to spread joy, to light the flame in abother heart as one bright candle can light a dark one without diminishing itself is found in these holidays. I chose to embrace all of then because personally i think the light more important than the lable.
But I was going to allow one stubborn candle that refuses to shiny tell me that a holiday in my economic situation and my ranking on his loser-meter was frivolous and unbefitting a person who should be begging forgiveness for all my screw ups with every breath I take, every move i make because he is watching me. I already possess the ornamentation. Why not avail myself of previous years' prsoperity? As I already have the means I wouldn't be spending money frivolously. But then the issue isn't about the money is it?
It was about the fivolity. Frivolity comes with joy. Or it at least sends the invitations. Frivolity is both the beginning and culmination of Joy which (just to make a nice holiday package) is Many Lights Dancing. Frivolity and joy are not things that outr stubborn candle approves of in people it deems unworthy. It is insulted by the celebrations of the poor because they have not done enough in his eyes to attain it. It is insulted that I do not accept the standard he bears and beg for daily forgivness from him. It is insulted that I can find joy despite my failed marriage, my divorce, my personal finances and for chosing to allow grace to cover over other unworthy persons' sins. It is insult that i don't grovel for failing to desire to break a sweat in my work, foir the time I have taken to encourage other candles to keep shining, making art, writing words and making food to share with others- even itself.
I already said I was sorry. I already asked for forgivness. I asked many times but accepted the Mercy of the Light and Spirit only once. Once was enough. The light isln't insulted. It is happy to not have to repeatedly light my guttered candle, to concentrate on reaching others who have never been touvhed with the flame of its passion. As for the art, words and food: the Light asks me to share that first to help keep candles with a dim fire alight and second, to encourage others like my previous slef to accept the Mercy and Light. That is my business. So a frivolous holiday tree with a gold and blue menorak ornament in the German tradition is the most fitting celebration I can have. So i bought the Menorak this year. 8.00 won't kill me faster than deprivation will.
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