I just started a They Might Be Giants lyric purge on my Facebook page with Little BirdHouse in Your Soul. I thought it would be a good way to cheer up a rather gloomy northwest michigan morning. I don't know how many more days of rain this is. But I'm seeing a few plans for arks manifesting these days. While it has been fun to make the rounds with people I never thought would be into TMBG the lights are off in my own birdhouse.
It's going to be a long couple of months. I can feel the gloom settle fairly solidly right now. The Castle book was great for a temporary fix. I've giggled all morning with Wil Wheaton's podcasts of Memories of the Future. But the laughter doesn't stay. Rain washes away the feelings pretty quickly. And a Fleetwood Mac song just hit me: "Lovers only love you when they're playing". Sir Knight certainly got bored withthe play and that's all there was gonna be. Top that with the recurring Autmnal period of zakor and I'm screwed.
I want my grandparents. I want my dad. I want a better version of Matt; you know, the one that actually sticks around and means what he says. I have great people to work with. I live with tons of people and my facebook account grows all the time. But I feel so alone. It isn't just lonliness. It is alone. For all the people that I have around me I don't have the one thing that I need so much. Which, now that Ithink about it, is what drivees me nuts about the housecat. He'll love me a long time, forever, deeply and affectionately... but he's a cat. The purring is hypnotic. The warmth is welcome. But he's just a little guy, there isn't much mass to him even though he's all muscle. And he can't hug. Grab yes. Nip yes. Hug no. But I don't want the affection of a pet.
I want the affection of a deep personal bond.
I want a real lasting relationship that is, for both of us, a safe haven from the rest of the world. Yeah, physical intimacy would be nice. But that isn't all it should be.
Dad would have liked Castle. He wouldn't getthe twitter thing. Gramma would have learned it because I am doing it. But still... just someplace where it is okay to be me. Okay for him to be him and we revel in each others uniqueness. Why was it so hard for Matt to stay?
Looks like I have found the crux of my problem. I "Got on with my life" as told and did not process the grief. Oooohh there's a smart maneuver for teh braintrust to try when he faces certain doom at the hands of a overly hyped here-to-for unseen enemy of the Federation. Pin that to your fancy cable knit sweater!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
1210 am
Wising it were already 2012 and I were sitting on the stairs with a mug of hot coco, watching the world implode with an ijmplacable eye.
With my luck, 2012 will get here and nothing glorious or inglorius will happen. Everything will keep right on humming like it did for the new millenium and Y2K and every other day some idiot with a concordance and a calendar says it won't. I want a do over.
The Great Cosmic Mulligan sounds like a Douglass Adams novel. It should be a Douglass Adams novel. Why? BECAUSE AT LEAST A DOUGLASS ADAMS NOVEL IS FUNNY!!!! Capital on the Funny. 42 point font the funny. Oh font the funny anyway.
Again, there is a lot to be thankful for. I have a great job. I have awesome coorkers. I have a warm place to live with hot shower even if it isn't all that quiet all the time. My relationship with my brother is on the mend. I know, talk about fucked up. And I am sreading my wee tentacles throughout cyber space and really making some good connections out there. My lament is that I am not making the kind of connections that I want to make. Sir Knight has broken his rule. And, as I could have predicted without turning to the last page, it was not for me. All the rib poking, neck rubbing, do anything for me things he could have done, the sweetest gesture to date that was done last week means, as usual... nothing.
I am the Great Cosmic Big Sister. Sir Knight's page told me that Sir Knight is quite fond of me and very comfortable with me. If that ain't the kiss of death to any romantic possibilities I don't kno what is. And I'm getting the same thing from all sides. All my married guy friends say the same thing that they have always said. "God is saving you for something special." What, prithee do tell, is sooooooooooooo fucking special?" Is there a kind of relationship that I haven't heard about that wil lburst on the scene that will make marriage pale in comparisson? What kind of plattitudinal crap is that? And my married girlfriends are aghast, simply aghast that I want anyone "That way" Hello? Did you get the memo, that was no stork that delivered any of your 4-8 kids ladies? And if the aliens are impregnating you I have even more reason to be jealous... I'm the Sci-fi geek!
Yeah, the whiny season begins....
again.
I'm almost sorry that you guys have to read this drivel. But maybe someone else praying for my happiness will make a difference in my success.
Then again, this is the Cosmos we are talking about. According the to principles in the Secret, I am rejectin any good coming my way just with that bit of negativity. How convenient forthe Universe.
With my luck, 2012 will get here and nothing glorious or inglorius will happen. Everything will keep right on humming like it did for the new millenium and Y2K and every other day some idiot with a concordance and a calendar says it won't. I want a do over.
The Great Cosmic Mulligan sounds like a Douglass Adams novel. It should be a Douglass Adams novel. Why? BECAUSE AT LEAST A DOUGLASS ADAMS NOVEL IS FUNNY!!!! Capital on the Funny. 42 point font the funny. Oh font the funny anyway.
Again, there is a lot to be thankful for. I have a great job. I have awesome coorkers. I have a warm place to live with hot shower even if it isn't all that quiet all the time. My relationship with my brother is on the mend. I know, talk about fucked up. And I am sreading my wee tentacles throughout cyber space and really making some good connections out there. My lament is that I am not making the kind of connections that I want to make. Sir Knight has broken his rule. And, as I could have predicted without turning to the last page, it was not for me. All the rib poking, neck rubbing, do anything for me things he could have done, the sweetest gesture to date that was done last week means, as usual... nothing.
I am the Great Cosmic Big Sister. Sir Knight's page told me that Sir Knight is quite fond of me and very comfortable with me. If that ain't the kiss of death to any romantic possibilities I don't kno what is. And I'm getting the same thing from all sides. All my married guy friends say the same thing that they have always said. "God is saving you for something special." What, prithee do tell, is sooooooooooooo fucking special?" Is there a kind of relationship that I haven't heard about that wil lburst on the scene that will make marriage pale in comparisson? What kind of plattitudinal crap is that? And my married girlfriends are aghast, simply aghast that I want anyone "That way" Hello? Did you get the memo, that was no stork that delivered any of your 4-8 kids ladies? And if the aliens are impregnating you I have even more reason to be jealous... I'm the Sci-fi geek!
Yeah, the whiny season begins....
again.
I'm almost sorry that you guys have to read this drivel. But maybe someone else praying for my happiness will make a difference in my success.
Then again, this is the Cosmos we are talking about. According the to principles in the Secret, I am rejectin any good coming my way just with that bit of negativity. How convenient forthe Universe.
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