I've known this for a while. I've been telling people this all my life. And as the new year starts I feel compelled to remind you and myself of this truth: all you need is love. Specifically the love of good friends.
Friendships occur on many levels from work buddies to intimate companions. A healthy life has a multitude of friends on the lower tiers gradually building a pyramid which bosts a shining cap in the form of your life's mate. A wide base of friends is a stable foundation upon which one can build a lasting relationship. The quality of those friends determines ultimate stability. In this past year I have amassed a legion of friends in volume and quality that I have not known since I lived in Marquette.
This is noteable in many ways. First, through facebook I have connected with people from high school whom I believed were beyond my league because I was using the same myopic lens my siblings used for viewing and judging my life. I learned that my perception is truly the only thing that seperated me from my peer group. In part because of an inherantly flawed self concept and in part due to trusting the wrong people to redefine my self image. Facebook allowed me to reconnect wiht people from Marquette, the right people to help redefine self. In the 15 years we were apart, life taught us things about oursleves that encourages humility and a greater acceptance/tolerance for our humanfrailties. It was my frailty that I thought made me unworthy of those friends. A wrong perception again.
Secondly, working with the public and a wider range of coworkers has brought me out of the self imposed prison of solitude. 2008 went a long way to bringing me out into humanity from the exile that can be self employment. My coworkers then allowed me to stretch my social muscles and strengthen my funny bone. But it has been the last 6 months of 2009 that has seen the most growth. I work with more people than I ever have in my life. And the two people who have made the most difference in my life are Mark and Dave. So if you will indulge me a sidebar moment:
Mark is one of those people that God uses to heal the world. He'd never let me say that to his face so I will hide here on my blog and tell you the truth. It has been a long time since I have met anyone, man or woman, who can match Mark in the category of genuine affection. He is an afficianado of human beauty, both inside and outside. Where most would see the ginormous physical flaws he finds in each of the people he meets and inherent beauty. When ever he overheard one of us bemoan a lack of male companionship he was quick to point out that each one of us girls possesses a trait that makes us beautiful. For Amy it was her eyes. Admittedly they are stunning. I have never seen a pair that color or intensity. So for a guy into eyes they would make anyother trait pale in comparisson. For Leann, it was always her smile and impish features and the way that she carried herself that outweighed any flaw she saw in herself. He never told me what it was about me and I won't ask. I don't think I have to. Mark is one of those people that won't say anything bad about someone because he can see the reasons for temporary anomalous fluctuations in their otherwise steady orbits. Mark may not have used his learned trade as often as he would have liked as one of our mantenance men, but God put him in place with us because that kind of acceptance and love builds a good team. I feel his loss when work gets dicey. But we have a great techno age that means he is only as far away as the SEND button. And then there is Dave.
Yes, I have a personal affinity for the man. Have had a crush on him since he came to work at the other property. Dave shows his genuine affection for his coworkers in so covert a manner that it is easy to forget that he likes people. When his Evil Twin takes over his body for the day it is easy to forget that he is generous in spirit only because he is so subtle. You know how when you ask someone to do something and they grumble about it the whole time, that grumbling sours the day right along with the experience? In the whole time that I have known Dave he has been quick to answer a request for assisstance even if he feels like crap. Of all the maintanence men that I have known, he is the only one who cleans up his own mess, offers to help in departments that are not his and doing jobs that are not his responsibilty. He is always looking out for us in the housekeeping department. On many occaissions he has saved my back from the burden of overstuffed bundles and recently decided that my grey transport tubs need handles so that I don't have to walk hunched over to move them. If you're having a bad day he will be the clown to make you smile. If someone bad mouths one of the girls he is quick to stand up for her. It's been a long time since I have met a man who embodies the true spirit of a Knight in Shining Armor. Yes, I am biased as I have a crush on him. But if you ask anyone else they will say the same thing. When Dave is on property I don't feel like the laundry troll that my position would say I am. In fact, when Dave is on property I feel just like I did in High School: ready willing and able to serve at a moments notice. Because he is willing to go beyond the bounds of his job description and care how everyone else fairs, I am willing to go beyond as well. While we would normally do that for Alex anyway becasue he is the best boss ever, there is enough grumbling and tension to make you forget that you do for Alex and the guests. Dave helps to keep things in perspective and makes each day a joy. Gushing over.
Thirdly, you have to be your own best friend. You have to know where your woth is, appreciate the things that make you you. That means getting to know your energy. When you do, that let's you recognize like energy. Recognition means that you will attract like energy or repell disparate energy which in the long run makes your life happier and healthier. In this coming year, we need to recognize the things that contribute to our lives by finding like energy. As the positive energy bands together and grows the negative will have no room to navigate. It will not control with fear and insecurity as it does now. Love in all its forms in all its guises is the energy of healing.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2009 Lessons Learned #1
Some of you know that I have suffered from serious depression for a long time. I can honestly say it was completely situational and its gripping hold lasts as long as at did because I lacked coping skills. For those of you who are tempted to say it, let me preempt you and save your karma further harm: "Get over it!" is neither incentivizing nor helpful as "getting over it" is not a coping skill but and end result of having applied a coping skill.
Typically this time of year between October and the lengthening of days induces a kind of depression that is like cabin fever on steroids. When the sun is not shining I don't want to get out of bed; I don't want to shower; I won't watch a comedy to save my life and my heart shrinks to pre-revelation Grinch proportions that makes pre-revelation Scrooge look like his nephew Fred. It begins with August marking the start of my personal season of loss. Maternal Grandparents, a couple of pets (most notably "Peaker" whose lifelss body I carried home from the roadside and buried on my own and Spock who had to be left at the pound in Marquette), Dad, mom's decline which began in October, Matt left me in the fall, and it seemed that each of my elementary school years brought the loss of a best friend until I ceased to make best friends. After 15 years of accumulating loss upon loss with no other coping mechanism but denial the brain simply refuses to take another step under such duress.
This year is different.
It is January and I don't feel like sticking my head in a snow bank until Spring. I am not creating any artwork but my mind is spinning like mad with concepts for when I have a suitable space to live. The deplorable conditions in which I live have not induced the kind of debilitating depression I have known in the past. The financial stress is present. I still lack a steady companion. And I am now reduced to a standard of living befitting my poor immigrant ancestors fresh off the boat from Germany circa 1920. But I am not depressed. Why?
Because I finaly found, deep within myself, the most basic and fundamental necessity for living on this planet: a belief in one's self, one's purpose on this planet and the certainty that no one else's opinion of who and what I am is to be the guiding principle of my life. In other words, I know longer care about recieving positive opinions of people who live a superficial life. I no longer care what my brother thinks of me. I know longer care what my sister thinks. Both have revealed their true nature as egocrats in the truest sense of the word. Both of them have their own world view shaped by their own insecurities. Both of them view me through the insecure and myopic lens with which they view themselves. Neither are willing to see my life in any way other than their own. For my sister: since I do not live in a cute little ranch or cape cod, caring for other people's children (namely I think her own) I am a failure. Because I take the time to think instead of react she believes that I lay down my life and wait to die instead of taking the prudent measure of not compunding one problem with another through thoughtless action. for my brother: since I do not "own" a home that is too large for me to care for on my own, that can be shown off to the Joneses, because I lack fancy techno gadgets and status symbols I am a failure. What I do possess I possess prudently but in his eyes undeservedly. These are the measures in which I assessed my worth until I realised that those views were destroying me.
I am an artist. Wil keeps telling us to do what we are meant to do. The world could not have a better cheerleader than Wil Wheaton, no matter how you pronounce his name. Art is for the spirit and soul. Art is an act of intimacy with the Creator that says "I like what you do. Can I do it too?" You know, just like when we were kids and dad was building stuff in the garage. Art makes people happy.
I am a healer/empath. I can't read anyone's mind like Counselor Troi. But I feel your pain. I share your pain. And when you want to cry and you don't want to cry alone I am good to sit with you and do just that. Truly, no matter how frustrated I can get with the limitations of human existance and the limits others put on themselves, I do love everybody. And sometimes that is all god wants out of people like me. Sometimes, because everyone else is too busy for the David Dobsons (insert your local mentally handicapped person who corners you in the store or at church) God needs you to be there to give two shits about someone who has a more difficult existence than you do. Sometimes he needs a body to step in with unloved/neglected pets, kids and seniors so that for a few minutes out of the day they feel genuinely loved. Sometimes he needs a good spirit to step in where there is chaos to break its hold on a situation. That doesn't mean I am perfect. And that doesn't mean it always works. Frequently I am just as swayed by the chaos at work. Some days it takes two of us to generate enough positive energy to break the chaotic hold.
I am a writer. Mostly writing to help me understand how people's hearts and minds work. Sometimes in the form of a blog to share information. And mostly to entertain.
I am not a celebrity in my own circle of friends or in the grandiose sphere of earthly endeavors. And that is okay. Someone has to be in the audience cheering on the performers and gushing over them in person. I am that someone. And its okay. And now that I accept that... depression isn't holding me in a death grip... not even a good old fashioned vulcan nerve pinch.
Typically this time of year between October and the lengthening of days induces a kind of depression that is like cabin fever on steroids. When the sun is not shining I don't want to get out of bed; I don't want to shower; I won't watch a comedy to save my life and my heart shrinks to pre-revelation Grinch proportions that makes pre-revelation Scrooge look like his nephew Fred. It begins with August marking the start of my personal season of loss. Maternal Grandparents, a couple of pets (most notably "Peaker" whose lifelss body I carried home from the roadside and buried on my own and Spock who had to be left at the pound in Marquette), Dad, mom's decline which began in October, Matt left me in the fall, and it seemed that each of my elementary school years brought the loss of a best friend until I ceased to make best friends. After 15 years of accumulating loss upon loss with no other coping mechanism but denial the brain simply refuses to take another step under such duress.
This year is different.
It is January and I don't feel like sticking my head in a snow bank until Spring. I am not creating any artwork but my mind is spinning like mad with concepts for when I have a suitable space to live. The deplorable conditions in which I live have not induced the kind of debilitating depression I have known in the past. The financial stress is present. I still lack a steady companion. And I am now reduced to a standard of living befitting my poor immigrant ancestors fresh off the boat from Germany circa 1920. But I am not depressed. Why?
Because I finaly found, deep within myself, the most basic and fundamental necessity for living on this planet: a belief in one's self, one's purpose on this planet and the certainty that no one else's opinion of who and what I am is to be the guiding principle of my life. In other words, I know longer care about recieving positive opinions of people who live a superficial life. I no longer care what my brother thinks of me. I know longer care what my sister thinks. Both have revealed their true nature as egocrats in the truest sense of the word. Both of them have their own world view shaped by their own insecurities. Both of them view me through the insecure and myopic lens with which they view themselves. Neither are willing to see my life in any way other than their own. For my sister: since I do not live in a cute little ranch or cape cod, caring for other people's children (namely I think her own) I am a failure. Because I take the time to think instead of react she believes that I lay down my life and wait to die instead of taking the prudent measure of not compunding one problem with another through thoughtless action. for my brother: since I do not "own" a home that is too large for me to care for on my own, that can be shown off to the Joneses, because I lack fancy techno gadgets and status symbols I am a failure. What I do possess I possess prudently but in his eyes undeservedly. These are the measures in which I assessed my worth until I realised that those views were destroying me.
I am an artist. Wil keeps telling us to do what we are meant to do. The world could not have a better cheerleader than Wil Wheaton, no matter how you pronounce his name. Art is for the spirit and soul. Art is an act of intimacy with the Creator that says "I like what you do. Can I do it too?" You know, just like when we were kids and dad was building stuff in the garage. Art makes people happy.
I am a healer/empath. I can't read anyone's mind like Counselor Troi. But I feel your pain. I share your pain. And when you want to cry and you don't want to cry alone I am good to sit with you and do just that. Truly, no matter how frustrated I can get with the limitations of human existance and the limits others put on themselves, I do love everybody. And sometimes that is all god wants out of people like me. Sometimes, because everyone else is too busy for the David Dobsons (insert your local mentally handicapped person who corners you in the store or at church) God needs you to be there to give two shits about someone who has a more difficult existence than you do. Sometimes he needs a body to step in with unloved/neglected pets, kids and seniors so that for a few minutes out of the day they feel genuinely loved. Sometimes he needs a good spirit to step in where there is chaos to break its hold on a situation. That doesn't mean I am perfect. And that doesn't mean it always works. Frequently I am just as swayed by the chaos at work. Some days it takes two of us to generate enough positive energy to break the chaotic hold.
I am a writer. Mostly writing to help me understand how people's hearts and minds work. Sometimes in the form of a blog to share information. And mostly to entertain.
I am not a celebrity in my own circle of friends or in the grandiose sphere of earthly endeavors. And that is okay. Someone has to be in the audience cheering on the performers and gushing over them in person. I am that someone. And its okay. And now that I accept that... depression isn't holding me in a death grip... not even a good old fashioned vulcan nerve pinch.
gotta love the techno age
For those of you like Shayne who were wondering what the comment on the last post said:
From a fellow blogger at blogspot, a site called "Motion" (according to google translate) said "to give you incentive" and reposted that entry. No I can't tell if it was properly credited. Do I care? Yes and no.
I care if it would bring more people to my blog so that I can interact with a greater number of people, like-minded people, in the blogoverse. But in the sense that those who have the skill need to use them to get us through the coming cosmic shifts, I don't care. It was a great experience that I love to share. First because what I said to my client was verified by a doctor. Secondly because people need to know that they don't have to be afraid of people like Billy, a natural healer. And because there are people in pain, emotional, physical and spiritual that need what we can offer.
I'm just glad more people than Shayne read my blog. He is hardly unbiased. It raises the standards a bit at a time. Not only that, every reader is a door to something else/more. And you know what? Now that I think about it. Maybe that incentive was meant for me. I'll have to explore the blog further. Still on the same note, the more I write the less afraid I am of myself.
I've talked around the healing subject, reviewed some of the class work that we've done etc... but I don't really get into the nitty gritty because I have been afraid of what my old peers will think. In many ways I have grown beyond the limits of our previous training, training upon which they depend to allow them to remain as they always were. I loved them then. I love them now. And i don't want to lose them. So I have limited myself in many ways. Which may account for some of my more disjointed entries here.
So, as the New Year gears up, I vow to my readership that I will break the sacred rules of Aquarianhood and be more transparent and fearless in sharing. Verta tells me that vulnerability is the key to surviving the coming change and being the beacon we were called to be no matter who you name as your Diety. No more hiding. Yikes!
And now I will find out just what motion has to say.
Oh.... the reason you gotta love the techno age: I ran the comments through www.googletranslate.com and that is what I got.
From a fellow blogger at blogspot, a site called "Motion" (according to google translate) said "to give you incentive" and reposted that entry. No I can't tell if it was properly credited. Do I care? Yes and no.
I care if it would bring more people to my blog so that I can interact with a greater number of people, like-minded people, in the blogoverse. But in the sense that those who have the skill need to use them to get us through the coming cosmic shifts, I don't care. It was a great experience that I love to share. First because what I said to my client was verified by a doctor. Secondly because people need to know that they don't have to be afraid of people like Billy, a natural healer. And because there are people in pain, emotional, physical and spiritual that need what we can offer.
I'm just glad more people than Shayne read my blog. He is hardly unbiased. It raises the standards a bit at a time. Not only that, every reader is a door to something else/more. And you know what? Now that I think about it. Maybe that incentive was meant for me. I'll have to explore the blog further. Still on the same note, the more I write the less afraid I am of myself.
I've talked around the healing subject, reviewed some of the class work that we've done etc... but I don't really get into the nitty gritty because I have been afraid of what my old peers will think. In many ways I have grown beyond the limits of our previous training, training upon which they depend to allow them to remain as they always were. I loved them then. I love them now. And i don't want to lose them. So I have limited myself in many ways. Which may account for some of my more disjointed entries here.
So, as the New Year gears up, I vow to my readership that I will break the sacred rules of Aquarianhood and be more transparent and fearless in sharing. Verta tells me that vulnerability is the key to surviving the coming change and being the beacon we were called to be no matter who you name as your Diety. No more hiding. Yikes!
And now I will find out just what motion has to say.
Oh.... the reason you gotta love the techno age: I ran the comments through www.googletranslate.com and that is what I got.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)