So I guess we're all rather familiar with some of the tricks that 5 year-olds play. You know the one that goes "I didn't eat all the cookies!" as the last morsel is being crammed into a mouth ringed with crumbs and before you accuse them of eating all the cookies? It's also like the "I'm Not Touching You." announcement. In either case, some kids who couldn't take a hint when punished for lying grow up to be adults who tell the same kind of lies. The thing is that you don't suspect adults who make announcements like that to be lying. But they are.
At least 80% of the time anyway. I give 20% Benefit of the Doubt but personally, I think its a 100%. So lest you've never come across this situation or you have and failed to recognize it, this one is for you. It is called Telegraphing. It's artless and clumsy. In martial arts telegraphing is something that an inexperienced or classless opponent does that tells you how to counter an offense. Often it is subtle and hard to recognise. In poker it's when your face lights up after the draw. That little gleam in your eye just told everyone at the table that you have a better hand than you had. Telegraphing.
Typically telegraphing is an unsolicited, pre-accusatory statement with no context in a conversation at hand. When you hear any of the following, especially if it skips your record and makes the voice inside your head say something like "who said you did/would?" then be very cautious about continuing associations with the speaker.
"I'd never go after him/her because I know how much you like him/her." He/She will.
"I hate people who play games." translation: "Let the games begin!"
"I wouldn't do (insert action in place of *that*) that to someone." He/She will.
"You know how I am, I'd never..." (fill in the blank) He/She does.
"I can't stand a gossip." Biggest gossip
This is by no means a comprehensive list. But they are the most common indicators that you are about to be had by an artless dodger. I've run into all of them in the last 6 months. And I was taken because it didn't occur to me that some people never mature beyond their high school selves. Which, given the lecture that Spence gave the group on Criminal Minds, should have been less likely. Cynical? Perhaps. But I like to think of cynicism as the short cut to peace of mind.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Anthropomorphize much???
In the middle of another ordinary day doing laundry for an upscale new hotel in town things were going as they do. Load washer. Select cycle. Select setting. Hit start. I've done this so many times that I don't even consciously make the selections any more. I don't even think about the process. And I don't look. As a matter of fact I don't even wait to see the water shoot out of the nozzle before walking away from the machine to go fold what is already dry; I listen for the hissing.
Load washer. Select cycle. Select Setting. Hit Start. Hiss. No Hiss.
ME: where's the hiss?
I turn back, cuss, flip off the inanimate objects and hit start again. It beeps its own expletive as a lazy hourglass icon does laps. Abort Cycle.
Hit Stop. Unlock. Crank on the latch. Open Hatch. Screen auto clears and I close the hatch. Latch the hatch. Hit start. Nothing.
ME: What the Fuck now?
Upon closer inspection I see that the cycle has, in fact, started. The countdown began. The symbols for those of you who read only sanskrit at home indicates that water is filling the machine. But there is no water.
ME: Grrr....
Stop. Unlock. Crank. Open. Reset. Close. Lock. Start. Nothing.
ME: Is there a delay that I wasn't paying attention to?
So I give it a minute or two. The machine rocks a 1/4 turn without any water. Now I know that it isn't me. But what is the deal? While I am thinking, I futility go through the process again. We'd just replaced a microprocessor in the other machine so maybe it is a hitch in this one's giddy-up. Or it could be the the lazy icon meant something that I should have been paying attention to and didn't because I assumed it was just being the prissy little bitch that it likes to be once in a while and got mad about me accidentally punching too many buttons... you know because it likes to believe that I do that on purpose cause I'm not allowed to make mistakes as a human being. I start the process again.
ME: Maybe there's no water.
I check the couplings, make sure the water valve behind the machine is on, put my hands on my hips while stroking my beardless chin.
ME: Of course there is water. Someone would have told you if there was no water you dolt. What are you doing wrong? C'mon, MacGyver, you can figure this out.
I go fold some laundry for a while trying to puzzle out what happened. I have been known to make machinery nervous. But it's been nearly a year. How could this kind of problem happen suddenly? And how could I forget, consciously or subconsciously, how to run these machines? There has to be a reason. But maybe I should call Dave anyway.
OTHER ME: Yeah and the second he hits the start button it'll work and you'll look like a bigger idiot than you do now, talkin' to yourself and flippin' off the machinery. You'll turn all red. He'll mention your blond and then he'll say something about being smarter than the equipment you're working with.
ME: And I'll have to bruise his shins. I am not calling Dave.
One more time. Check settings. Hit start. Nothing.
ME: G** D*** S ofa F****** B Why the F*** can't this stupid S ofa B**** POS do what it is supposed to????
OTHER ME: So call him.
ME: And what if its nothing? I waste his time and he gets pissy.
OTHER ME: Chicken.
ME: I Can FIGURE THIS OUT!!!!!!!
OTHER ME: You're no Wesley Crusher.
ME: Shut up.
I try the process one more time. I quote Cyrano Jones: "Twice nothing is still nothing".*
OTHER ME: That's more than twice.
ME: Shut the fuck up.
Dejected, I walk over to the desk and phone the front desk.
ME: Will you have Dave pop back to laundry when you see him?
FD: Sure.
Enter JODI: Hey, Dave says there's no water.
So I didn't break it.
I'm not stupid. Not entirely anyway.
So can we define more clearly the terms of NEED 2 KNOW BASIS?????????
[headdesk]
*Cyrano Jones, Intergallactic trader with a rap sheet the size of the Kessel Run from ST OS episode "The Trouble with Tribbles." I have to entertain myself because no one else at work is going to get these references... kinda like how I hear the typewriter *DING!* whenever I hit ENTER while in a writing frenzy.
Load washer. Select cycle. Select Setting. Hit Start. Hiss. No Hiss.
ME: where's the hiss?
I turn back, cuss, flip off the inanimate objects and hit start again. It beeps its own expletive as a lazy hourglass icon does laps. Abort Cycle.
Hit Stop. Unlock. Crank on the latch. Open Hatch. Screen auto clears and I close the hatch. Latch the hatch. Hit start. Nothing.
ME: What the Fuck now?
Upon closer inspection I see that the cycle has, in fact, started. The countdown began. The symbols for those of you who read only sanskrit at home indicates that water is filling the machine. But there is no water.
ME: Grrr....
Stop. Unlock. Crank. Open. Reset. Close. Lock. Start. Nothing.
ME: Is there a delay that I wasn't paying attention to?
So I give it a minute or two. The machine rocks a 1/4 turn without any water. Now I know that it isn't me. But what is the deal? While I am thinking, I futility go through the process again. We'd just replaced a microprocessor in the other machine so maybe it is a hitch in this one's giddy-up. Or it could be the the lazy icon meant something that I should have been paying attention to and didn't because I assumed it was just being the prissy little bitch that it likes to be once in a while and got mad about me accidentally punching too many buttons... you know because it likes to believe that I do that on purpose cause I'm not allowed to make mistakes as a human being. I start the process again.
ME: Maybe there's no water.
I check the couplings, make sure the water valve behind the machine is on, put my hands on my hips while stroking my beardless chin.
ME: Of course there is water. Someone would have told you if there was no water you dolt. What are you doing wrong? C'mon, MacGyver, you can figure this out.
I go fold some laundry for a while trying to puzzle out what happened. I have been known to make machinery nervous. But it's been nearly a year. How could this kind of problem happen suddenly? And how could I forget, consciously or subconsciously, how to run these machines? There has to be a reason. But maybe I should call Dave anyway.
OTHER ME: Yeah and the second he hits the start button it'll work and you'll look like a bigger idiot than you do now, talkin' to yourself and flippin' off the machinery. You'll turn all red. He'll mention your blond and then he'll say something about being smarter than the equipment you're working with.
ME: And I'll have to bruise his shins. I am not calling Dave.
One more time. Check settings. Hit start. Nothing.
ME: G** D*** S ofa F****** B Why the F*** can't this stupid S ofa B**** POS do what it is supposed to????
OTHER ME: So call him.
ME: And what if its nothing? I waste his time and he gets pissy.
OTHER ME: Chicken.
ME: I Can FIGURE THIS OUT!!!!!!!
OTHER ME: You're no Wesley Crusher.
ME: Shut up.
I try the process one more time. I quote Cyrano Jones: "Twice nothing is still nothing".*
OTHER ME: That's more than twice.
ME: Shut the fuck up.
Dejected, I walk over to the desk and phone the front desk.
ME: Will you have Dave pop back to laundry when you see him?
FD: Sure.
Enter JODI: Hey, Dave says there's no water.
So I didn't break it.
I'm not stupid. Not entirely anyway.
So can we define more clearly the terms of NEED 2 KNOW BASIS?????????
[headdesk]
*Cyrano Jones, Intergallactic trader with a rap sheet the size of the Kessel Run from ST OS episode "The Trouble with Tribbles." I have to entertain myself because no one else at work is going to get these references... kinda like how I hear the typewriter *DING!* whenever I hit ENTER while in a writing frenzy.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
greetings and felicitations
You know what I like about being a little known and obscure blog? [That's obscure in a romantic sense not in a literal sense, thank you Mr. Trapp] While I am small and not widely read there is time to look in once in a while and see who's on my dashboard. I chose to forgoe the apparent arrogance of having my email notify me when comments and follows are left, less for Hubris and all for not wanting to listen to my pathetic ego cry for the last two years "Nobody's following me!!!" ME: Here, have a cookie and go watch TV. The best part though is that I can, as I've said before, say "Hi!" and introduce followers to each other like I do when I actually check in with Twitter. So...
Class, say hi to Steph S. Steph joined a few days ago when I wasn't looking. Her profile is sparse but she follows some blogs that I will have to investigate. Steph, welcome to the class. There is no syllabus, no curve and no grades. And sometimes, as you will see given my choice of topics, no class.
And on that note we all need to say goodnight to the crew @Aroma's Coffee and Tea (with two locations serving Traverse City) so I can go home and try to sleep through the draft. I mean the draft scouring the basement floor like an arctic storm as much as I mean the NFL. No I do not watch. Nor do I care. However my hosts do. Alas....
Goodnight all
Class, say hi to Steph S. Steph joined a few days ago when I wasn't looking. Her profile is sparse but she follows some blogs that I will have to investigate. Steph, welcome to the class. There is no syllabus, no curve and no grades. And sometimes, as you will see given my choice of topics, no class.
And on that note we all need to say goodnight to the crew @Aroma's Coffee and Tea (with two locations serving Traverse City) so I can go home and try to sleep through the draft. I mean the draft scouring the basement floor like an arctic storm as much as I mean the NFL. No I do not watch. Nor do I care. However my hosts do. Alas....
Goodnight all
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