It is awfully difficult to know the difference between a trend and a self-fulfilling prophecy. But Paranoia is easy to spot. Thing is... just because I am paranoid about messing up more opportunites for interpersonal relationships does not mean that I am not assured of messing things up.
I am in the middle of a negotiation with a very sweet person who is trying to help. Now I am feeling guilty about it and have a logical reason to refuse the help. I could get a car and put money in the bank now that the total damages have been assessed. Or I could go with his option and I think end up with another car loan. Granted it would only be about 100.00 a month. But why pay it? And [gulp] what if he won't let me pay the rest? See... the goal in making friends is not to use them. And I feel like I would be. Even though the car he is offering is newer and would required less upkeep and has the added benefit of lasting longer than the other option. The other option gives me the benefit of money in the bank.
So I am writing you guys in real time. Waiting for him to decide if he's mad cause I am turning down his help ( I really think that is the smartest thing to do) and thus turning him down... which I am not doing. And its been 15 minutes since I IMed him to let him know the email seeking his guidance (he is older and wiser) was in his inbox. So let's take a poll:
Who thinks that he thinks I'm not asking him to understand that I am telling him no; but that he thinks that I am asking him eat the rest of the car price cause I'm such a nice girl?
I want him to understand that I still want him to hang out with but that it would be smarter to go the other way. But with the luck that I am having these days he'll think I want somehting for nothing. Or something for THAT.
I really should have heard something from him by now. I mean geez...
Well if anyone can mess up a good thing its me. Why don't I learn. It is 5:06 EST. I'
m signing off to see if watching an Inbox makes the emails any faster. So it doesn't work for a watched pot. Sue me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I am trying to find the funny in this situation. After all, it isn't like anyone planned to total my car. It really was an accident. But the person who did it, with whom I share a home, really doesn't want to be responsible for getting me around town. And the thing of it is, there are some really dumb reasons that I am without a substitute vehicle. Chiefly the fact that I don't believe in credit cards... which, as is always the case, doesn't mean that they don't exist for a good reason. But the other reason that I don't have access to wheels is that I have a lot of pride going on right now. I've been getting rides to work. But I won't ask anyone to go out of their way to get me anywhere else. The person who crunched my car should be the one to do so. But I am the only one suffering inconvenience. Yes, the person who crunched it is paying through his insurance co. And he feels bad. But not bad enough.
So ACG tells me today that at least in his mind he is doing what he can to help me and keep me from having to live at a shelter or worse. But as I said in a rant somewhere that may not have been published here: when ever someone runs after you to help you it always ends up being more expensive. And this will be expensive. I've got an in at a dealership and he'll help me get into a new car if I have to. But I just got this one paid for. And I can't afford another loan the way that insurance prices are going. If I have a car loan I can not pay for a new place to live. So the help is costing me in the long run.
I know that it is the way that things go sometimes. But I also know that if I had done it to his car I'd be at his beck and call. One good thing about the experience is that I know I can walk long distances. 8.1 miles to get home one night. Fortunately the rain held off. And I can deal with the resulting joint pain and the charlie horses. What my pride can't handle is that no one was impressed with the accomplishment. The Conversation Starter actually accused me of hitchhiking. I'll be honest. I wasn't sure that I could do it. I still weigh a little more than 200 pounds even though I'm back into my 12 jean. And I've never had the kind of cardio that supports that kind of exertion. But C'mon!!!! Where's the "Atta girl" (Thanks ACG. But you already said that on the phone). Where's the "Way to go!" or even just a look of astonishment mingled with a bit of friendship-ly pride that says "Holy shit I didn't think you had it in you but I'm impressed."? I sure as hell was! A bit on the pissed off side too. But I was totally impressed with the fact that I was able to walk that and not be dead before my shoes came off.
Maybe I expect too much from people. Maybe I think too much of my accomplishments. Maybe that really wasn't all that impressive. But you know what? My brother wouldn't have walked it no matter how desperate he was. And neither would anyone else I know. Well... maybe Katie. But Katie could have gotten some hot guy in a sports car to pick her up cause she's just that cute. Besides, she's just as stubbornly German as I am. She'd have done it and been proud.
And I am. 8.1 miles is a hike. And damn anyone who doesn't think so. Of course, it also proved to me what other people say about exercise... it really is good for your mental health. It took almost the first half of the walk to calm down from being so torked that I couldn't get anyone on the horn at home. The first half I had some company. One of the girls had to walk home too. Then the last half of the walk got me out of my head and focused on my surroundings... especially after I crunched a dead squirrel skull. Well geez, how do you think I felt? It was under MY shoe!!! Ack! Anyway... about mile 5.5 I was pretty much in the zone where I could enjoy the walk.
It was overcast and breezy which made it very pleasant. The rain held off until I was about 1/4 mile from home. And then it was only a refreshing sprinkle. The thing was that all the crap that was in my head had to have been affecting everything else. At mile 6 I started to feel all the stuff leaving. Of course it decided to leave in the form of lactic acid built up in my calves (charlie horses) but all the unhealthy crap that the situation had highlighted was gone. Obviously that is how I was able to enjoy the walk that started out as being more than just inconvenient. My mind cleared up. The anger dissipated. And I even thought about making this a regular thing.
Little did I know that I wouldn't be getting a rental car and that it may in fact be less of a choice and more of a necessity. This morning I left the house at 6:30, fully intending to make that 8.1 mile walk into town again. Rescued by a neighbor just as the rain started. This time I think my thighs are going to take the brunt of the walking. And I am going to have to walk for necessity as well as for enjoyment. If I am reduced to this kind of existence where all of my art supplies are in storage and there is no getting to the library or online as I am accustomed to then the walking is going to keep me from getting all hot and Chernobly on people.
So ACG tells me today that at least in his mind he is doing what he can to help me and keep me from having to live at a shelter or worse. But as I said in a rant somewhere that may not have been published here: when ever someone runs after you to help you it always ends up being more expensive. And this will be expensive. I've got an in at a dealership and he'll help me get into a new car if I have to. But I just got this one paid for. And I can't afford another loan the way that insurance prices are going. If I have a car loan I can not pay for a new place to live. So the help is costing me in the long run.
I know that it is the way that things go sometimes. But I also know that if I had done it to his car I'd be at his beck and call. One good thing about the experience is that I know I can walk long distances. 8.1 miles to get home one night. Fortunately the rain held off. And I can deal with the resulting joint pain and the charlie horses. What my pride can't handle is that no one was impressed with the accomplishment. The Conversation Starter actually accused me of hitchhiking. I'll be honest. I wasn't sure that I could do it. I still weigh a little more than 200 pounds even though I'm back into my 12 jean. And I've never had the kind of cardio that supports that kind of exertion. But C'mon!!!! Where's the "Atta girl" (Thanks ACG. But you already said that on the phone). Where's the "Way to go!" or even just a look of astonishment mingled with a bit of friendship-ly pride that says "Holy shit I didn't think you had it in you but I'm impressed."? I sure as hell was! A bit on the pissed off side too. But I was totally impressed with the fact that I was able to walk that and not be dead before my shoes came off.
Maybe I expect too much from people. Maybe I think too much of my accomplishments. Maybe that really wasn't all that impressive. But you know what? My brother wouldn't have walked it no matter how desperate he was. And neither would anyone else I know. Well... maybe Katie. But Katie could have gotten some hot guy in a sports car to pick her up cause she's just that cute. Besides, she's just as stubbornly German as I am. She'd have done it and been proud.
And I am. 8.1 miles is a hike. And damn anyone who doesn't think so. Of course, it also proved to me what other people say about exercise... it really is good for your mental health. It took almost the first half of the walk to calm down from being so torked that I couldn't get anyone on the horn at home. The first half I had some company. One of the girls had to walk home too. Then the last half of the walk got me out of my head and focused on my surroundings... especially after I crunched a dead squirrel skull. Well geez, how do you think I felt? It was under MY shoe!!! Ack! Anyway... about mile 5.5 I was pretty much in the zone where I could enjoy the walk.
It was overcast and breezy which made it very pleasant. The rain held off until I was about 1/4 mile from home. And then it was only a refreshing sprinkle. The thing was that all the crap that was in my head had to have been affecting everything else. At mile 6 I started to feel all the stuff leaving. Of course it decided to leave in the form of lactic acid built up in my calves (charlie horses) but all the unhealthy crap that the situation had highlighted was gone. Obviously that is how I was able to enjoy the walk that started out as being more than just inconvenient. My mind cleared up. The anger dissipated. And I even thought about making this a regular thing.
Little did I know that I wouldn't be getting a rental car and that it may in fact be less of a choice and more of a necessity. This morning I left the house at 6:30, fully intending to make that 8.1 mile walk into town again. Rescued by a neighbor just as the rain started. This time I think my thighs are going to take the brunt of the walking. And I am going to have to walk for necessity as well as for enjoyment. If I am reduced to this kind of existence where all of my art supplies are in storage and there is no getting to the library or online as I am accustomed to then the walking is going to keep me from getting all hot and Chernobly on people.
Find your Happy Place!
I feel it is my duty to tell you the following, in the name of sanity and good mental health.
Whatever brings you to your happy place and allows you to function in a world where everyone wants to throw their crap in your way like you are a brain sucking Zombie use it! And use it often!
I've been car less for almost two weeks now. First it was the timing belt. Then it got ran over in the driveway. Silverado v. Focus= Focus looses every time. And due to an amazingly persistent streak of bad luck I am separated from my happy time. I've been without easy Internet access and since I am always "available" (read: home) I have been under constant attack energetically. The dogs want me. My brother wants to talk all the time. My sister in law. My niece. Everyone at work feels free to throw their shit my way when I am trapped behind the folding table. And it's been too much.
I have two things that are able to make me forget about other people's crap and loose that overwhelming sense of immanent doom. One is listening to Matthias Reim. And thank god I managed to learn a few songs that get stuck in my head to keep me company. The other is being in a coffee shop where no one is rude enough to interupt the peace. A book would make everything better too. But that isn't happening due to funding issues. But that is okay because I can write when there are not people knocking on my cranium.
After two weeks of this kind of energetic and emotional torture I about lost it. The new guy actually noticed and tried to talk me down from the Tower I've locked myself in. Sweet for him to try. But having learned several good, rock-solid lessons about stringent interviewing processes for confidantes, I just needed to get me to the cafe!
Your happy places are necessary. Use them! If you don't have them get them! And be warned. There are people who will try to tell you that you don't deserve that kind of respite. In their eyes you are depriving them of something they want, usually your time and energy. There are those who will tell you that you are being selfish, causing inconvenience and in general just being anti social. You know what? Too bad for them! If those kinds of people lack the imagination and the intelligence to find their own safe havens then you have to leave them behind/alone/to drown in their own sorrows. How selfish is it to demand resources from someone else when you are too lazy to find resources yourself?
My happy place keeps me from busting people's chops. Anyone who has read my blog for long should be able to see a quick wit and a sharpened pen. Yes, most of the time I try to bring the funny. But be warned, funny smart people who are pushed to far can slice you to ribbons with their mighty pens when pushed too far. My happy place reestablishes my tact. It gives me a measure of patience which erodes daily under the simple stress of life. A happy place is what keeps most of us from acting like the serial killers. A trip to a happy place lets petty things slide off my back. You do realize that no one with the grace of God and patience of Job is that way by virtue of birth alone.... don't you?
Nice people snap. Good people break vases in anger. It's the happy place, reconnecting with God/the Universe and whatever that let's the positive traits take point when charging t hrough life's pitfalls. Yes. I could pray and expect that and some Bible study to work the same way it works for Billy Graham. But God didn't make me that way. God made me to like music and art of many kinds. God made me a fan of one of the Highest orders. In the Grand Scheme of Things, I guess, he decided that he didn't want to be alone in the cheap seats at a concert and thought I'd be fun to hang with. Awesome thing to be if you ask me. I wasn't born to lament every little thing in the world or just be a Prayer Warrior as they are called in the Christian realm. God makes each one of us special. And as a result none of us are going to find the happy in exactly the same way. It isn't for anyone else to decide what makes us happy and calm.
And it isn't for you or me to throw away those things to please someone else who doesn't want to find a happy place. Misery loves company, so they say. But misery doesn't like happy company. Misery likes to make people as Miserable as it feels so that it feels more normal. Why? Because it is the easy cheap answer.
Find your happy place damn it!!!!
Whatever brings you to your happy place and allows you to function in a world where everyone wants to throw their crap in your way like you are a brain sucking Zombie use it! And use it often!
I've been car less for almost two weeks now. First it was the timing belt. Then it got ran over in the driveway. Silverado v. Focus= Focus looses every time. And due to an amazingly persistent streak of bad luck I am separated from my happy time. I've been without easy Internet access and since I am always "available" (read: home) I have been under constant attack energetically. The dogs want me. My brother wants to talk all the time. My sister in law. My niece. Everyone at work feels free to throw their shit my way when I am trapped behind the folding table. And it's been too much.
I have two things that are able to make me forget about other people's crap and loose that overwhelming sense of immanent doom. One is listening to Matthias Reim. And thank god I managed to learn a few songs that get stuck in my head to keep me company. The other is being in a coffee shop where no one is rude enough to interupt the peace. A book would make everything better too. But that isn't happening due to funding issues. But that is okay because I can write when there are not people knocking on my cranium.
After two weeks of this kind of energetic and emotional torture I about lost it. The new guy actually noticed and tried to talk me down from the Tower I've locked myself in. Sweet for him to try. But having learned several good, rock-solid lessons about stringent interviewing processes for confidantes, I just needed to get me to the cafe!
Your happy places are necessary. Use them! If you don't have them get them! And be warned. There are people who will try to tell you that you don't deserve that kind of respite. In their eyes you are depriving them of something they want, usually your time and energy. There are those who will tell you that you are being selfish, causing inconvenience and in general just being anti social. You know what? Too bad for them! If those kinds of people lack the imagination and the intelligence to find their own safe havens then you have to leave them behind/alone/to drown in their own sorrows. How selfish is it to demand resources from someone else when you are too lazy to find resources yourself?
My happy place keeps me from busting people's chops. Anyone who has read my blog for long should be able to see a quick wit and a sharpened pen. Yes, most of the time I try to bring the funny. But be warned, funny smart people who are pushed to far can slice you to ribbons with their mighty pens when pushed too far. My happy place reestablishes my tact. It gives me a measure of patience which erodes daily under the simple stress of life. A happy place is what keeps most of us from acting like the serial killers. A trip to a happy place lets petty things slide off my back. You do realize that no one with the grace of God and patience of Job is that way by virtue of birth alone.... don't you?
Nice people snap. Good people break vases in anger. It's the happy place, reconnecting with God/the Universe and whatever that let's the positive traits take point when charging t hrough life's pitfalls. Yes. I could pray and expect that and some Bible study to work the same way it works for Billy Graham. But God didn't make me that way. God made me to like music and art of many kinds. God made me a fan of one of the Highest orders. In the Grand Scheme of Things, I guess, he decided that he didn't want to be alone in the cheap seats at a concert and thought I'd be fun to hang with. Awesome thing to be if you ask me. I wasn't born to lament every little thing in the world or just be a Prayer Warrior as they are called in the Christian realm. God makes each one of us special. And as a result none of us are going to find the happy in exactly the same way. It isn't for anyone else to decide what makes us happy and calm.
And it isn't for you or me to throw away those things to please someone else who doesn't want to find a happy place. Misery loves company, so they say. But misery doesn't like happy company. Misery likes to make people as Miserable as it feels so that it feels more normal. Why? Because it is the easy cheap answer.
Find your happy place damn it!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)