"magnetic poetry kit of video box cliches"
From the fellow at Breakfast in the Ruins here on Blogger, this is part of a critique on a movie he'd bought. Yes I was hitting the next Blog button. But only after I went to see who was in the blogs of note since last I looked. Turns out there is a book cover reviewer. Great site. And I found Breakfast in Ruins through CausticCoverCritic's blog list. I like both of these blogs for the fact that they have a purpose beyond my meager ramblings and that they seem to have a similar sense for word smithing and coining phrases.
What I like about the above quote is that there are two collections being simultaneously compared and contrasted. First the Magnetic poetry kit. I LOVE those things!!! It's similar to a rainy day game my sister and I invented. She'd get great mad lib action and I was still a bit too Type A and want to have y spontaneity refined a bit more. The MPK is a trove of randomness that can in fact inspire some creative imagery. Sometimes I think Lewis Carroll must have employed a similar technique with his Alice stories.
Second is the Video Box Cliche phenomenon. Bad writing doesn't get more use anywhere else than the banal descriptions of bad movies on case covers. There are times when something is so horrible that you struggle to write two sentences about it let alone a whole back cover. In those instances you get pull quotes and a roster of unknown actors in large font styles to make up for the fact that the best you can write about the plot or characters is that you could have wasted those precious 144 minutes in an underwater basket weaving class. But that won't sell the movie. So you, playing the part of copy writer, do what the director did and string some pretty but over done cliches together and hope that it sells.
So our brave new blog author has realized this is in fact often the case and condenses the concept into this description. It is so obvious, so perfectly fitting what I think about those things and so geniusly crafted with references to modern meme phenomenon that I have to smack my forehead and say "D'oh!". Why didn't I think of that? It is so right there in your face.
I strongly recommend both of the blogs that I mentioned today. I am sure that you will find them amusing and informative. But...
you don't have to take my word for it.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Target Acquired
CDs have arrived!!!
First thing I did was pop in Kussen order so to here that song and Gib Dein Herz um Keine Krone. Rockin!!!! It is pretty awesome with the crappy youtube sound system. But it is totally phenominal in the car stereo. Now in the visor holder is: Sensationall, Alles Klar, Kussen order so, deja vu, Wolkenreiter, Morgenrot, and Manner sind Krieger. And more than ever, after fighting with the wrappers, I am convince that my next purchase will be a Swiss army Knife. Sheesh who does that with plastic!!!
The first thing that I notice is that three of the CDs are open. No problem. I think that James' fiance really likes him too so he might have taken a listen. Always happy to spread the joy. The other thing that I notice is that the Germans don't seem to worry about theft. None of the CDs have that stupid sticker across the top and bottom of the jewel case that makes it more difficult to get into than a Ferengi wall safe. And the celophane wrappers are a better quality. Only two of them are labled copy protected with any kind of obnoxiousness. My own diatribe against the paranoia will come later.
The second thning that I notice is that I did a poor job of avoiding repeats in song titles. Its okay though. It isn't like I've heard the music all my life and one more Piano Man is going to throw me off the edge of insanity. and I really only managed to repeat the 3 songs that I've already learned.
Thirdly, Europeans do things really differently. Alot of the song titles are whole sentances whereas here we try to keep things simple for the Short Attention Span Theater crowd. The concepts in the songs can be a little weighty despite the pop nature of the music. It is wonderfully geeky!!! :)
When Kev handed over the bag he asked, "So you really like this music?" And Lin asked how I even heard of the guy. So I told the story. And Kevin was surprised that I too kto it so well. "So he sings in German?" Yep. "He has three or four songs in English that I know of. But all German."
So as is my habit with a new CD, I carefully opened then, slid out the liner notes and poured over the information. My German is not good enough to have a conversation. But I can learn what the meaning in the music is with enough time to translate it. So the legible lyrics is a huge bonus. And there are tons of photos that I have seen in the youtube videos. But the surprise is that I found someone who looks like my half sister in one of the fan photos. And I saw another of my Doppleganger. I am so German it isn't even funny.
Monday I have a road trip. So I will have a chance to listen to them uninterrupted. I'm going to see my sweetie. and how silly is this? I'd rather spend the day on the beach listening to and absorbing this music into my soul the way I've done with Sting. I'm still going. It's just that I'd rather have the Summer afternoon to myself under the clouds with Matti and there being no pressure to do anything but exist.
Do you have music that does that to you: opens the doors to your own soul to connect you to something etheric and transcendent?
First thing I did was pop in Kussen order so to here that song and Gib Dein Herz um Keine Krone. Rockin!!!! It is pretty awesome with the crappy youtube sound system. But it is totally phenominal in the car stereo. Now in the visor holder is: Sensationall, Alles Klar, Kussen order so, deja vu, Wolkenreiter, Morgenrot, and Manner sind Krieger. And more than ever, after fighting with the wrappers, I am convince that my next purchase will be a Swiss army Knife. Sheesh who does that with plastic!!!
The first thing that I notice is that three of the CDs are open. No problem. I think that James' fiance really likes him too so he might have taken a listen. Always happy to spread the joy. The other thing that I notice is that the Germans don't seem to worry about theft. None of the CDs have that stupid sticker across the top and bottom of the jewel case that makes it more difficult to get into than a Ferengi wall safe. And the celophane wrappers are a better quality. Only two of them are labled copy protected with any kind of obnoxiousness. My own diatribe against the paranoia will come later.
The second thning that I notice is that I did a poor job of avoiding repeats in song titles. Its okay though. It isn't like I've heard the music all my life and one more Piano Man is going to throw me off the edge of insanity. and I really only managed to repeat the 3 songs that I've already learned.
Thirdly, Europeans do things really differently. Alot of the song titles are whole sentances whereas here we try to keep things simple for the Short Attention Span Theater crowd. The concepts in the songs can be a little weighty despite the pop nature of the music. It is wonderfully geeky!!! :)
When Kev handed over the bag he asked, "So you really like this music?" And Lin asked how I even heard of the guy. So I told the story. And Kevin was surprised that I too kto it so well. "So he sings in German?" Yep. "He has three or four songs in English that I know of. But all German."
So as is my habit with a new CD, I carefully opened then, slid out the liner notes and poured over the information. My German is not good enough to have a conversation. But I can learn what the meaning in the music is with enough time to translate it. So the legible lyrics is a huge bonus. And there are tons of photos that I have seen in the youtube videos. But the surprise is that I found someone who looks like my half sister in one of the fan photos. And I saw another of my Doppleganger. I am so German it isn't even funny.
Monday I have a road trip. So I will have a chance to listen to them uninterrupted. I'm going to see my sweetie. and how silly is this? I'd rather spend the day on the beach listening to and absorbing this music into my soul the way I've done with Sting. I'm still going. It's just that I'd rather have the Summer afternoon to myself under the clouds with Matti and there being no pressure to do anything but exist.
Do you have music that does that to you: opens the doors to your own soul to connect you to something etheric and transcendent?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
question
Who thinks posting a kind of resume to the blog is a good idea? I've been debating this for about 4 months. I can't find anyone who says it is a good idea. And the good news is that I can't find anyone who thinks that it is a bad idea.
My gut? Unuasually silent on the matter.
My gut? Unuasually silent on the matter.
A Good Day
Well the Internets have been weird today. Took forever to get into any of my accounts. Are there solar flares I'm not aware of?
All in all the Web has been good today. Wheaton's got great stuff going on. Youtube is slowly collecting Symphonicity concert video. Facebook yeilded a gret convo with an old school buddy and as usual... kept me connected with awesome people.
Now if only there were some Internet magic to generate the job of my dreams. Oh wait... that magic is all on me. Hmm...
Trizzle trazzle trozzle trome?
All in all the Web has been good today. Wheaton's got great stuff going on. Youtube is slowly collecting Symphonicity concert video. Facebook yeilded a gret convo with an old school buddy and as usual... kept me connected with awesome people.
Now if only there were some Internet magic to generate the job of my dreams. Oh wait... that magic is all on me. Hmm...
Trizzle trazzle trozzle trome?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wappen
It would seem that I am following a bunch of people now who have personal crests. Me thinks, after having seen Wil's, that I need one. But what would it be?
And now here's something we hope you'll really enjoy
You know what I love about Wordsmiths? Everything. You know what I love about Sting being a Wordsmith?
SYMPHONICITIES!!!!
Effect without a cause indeed. This is his newest album. I got it today when I went to pick up my meds. (And I was a good girl and didn't buy the COMPLETE Buck Rogers for 15.00) I know that a lot of people get pissy with him when he tries to reinvent his own music. The thing of it is that art is about having an open mind. And if you aren't going to have an open mind you really can't criticize.Well you can, but its not fair. In this case if you don't like symphonic music the fact that it is Sting isn't going to help anything. In my case, I love symphonic music. I love Sting. There is nothing to dislike about this offering.
The CD comes in a paper folder with muted blocks of Synchronicity's signature colors. One would think that a jewel case would be a safer storage unit than a heavy card stock folder; but you've never seen me mutilate a jewel case. The song list is not what I expected. I don't think that anyone has ever redone "Next to You". It was spectacular! There are songs from his contribution to the shanty collection that came out with the Pirates of the Caribbean. Roxanne and Every Little Thing show up. Do they HAVE to? Or does he know that we WANT them to? And that is just how awesome the wrapping paper is. The real present is inside.
The liner notes are written, not by Sting, but by Anthony DeCurtis. I know that I can't write about this any better than he does. I just want to offer my own observations. The thing that I like about these classical interpretations, be it Sting or Paul McCartney, is that the adaptations will let them perform at their best as they get older and their voices change. For a change I can hear all of the words, all of the nuances in his voice. The more control he has in his voice, the more mature his performances the more you want to hear clean musical interpretations. I've noticed, over the last few albums, that he doesn't have to strain himself vocally. That happens to rockers as they get older.
The music is symphonic to be sure. Four different orchestras perform on the album. And frankly, if this is what I missed in Chicago last year cause I didn't have 4000.00 then I dang well better get rich quick! But if you listen closely to 10 Summoner's Tales, Soul Cages, Sacred Love and Labyrinth then you will notice that the orchestral or symphonic quality has always been a part of Sting's style. Even when Every Little Thing was fresh and played ad nauseum on the radio you could hear where the symphony belonged. This isn't really a stretch so much as a graceful extension of who he already is.
Admittedly I get a little tired of Roxanne showing up everywhere. But I heard his acoustic jazzy version when we still had a light jazz station in town and really liked how fresh the song was. I like this version even more. Somehow Roxanne's persona changes a little with the strings and the piano. The cello makes her seem sad and sympathetic all at once where she used to be a forgotten poster child. It seems she is older and sadder for want of a different life and the imagination to make it better. True, mentally I tend to dress her more like a Bronte anti-heroine than a West End prostitute as was the costume in the 80s. Now she seems like someone who spent the grandest part of her years as a mistress with nothing to signify her loyalty and affection. The Lord is dead, her skills are useless and there is no where to go with out the imagination to reinvent herself. More haunting than ever, I love this song more than I ever have before.
I love that you can still sing along with these songs. The orchestras will never make me sound better. But at least there is more of his voice to drown me out for the sake of my accidental audiences.
SYMPHONICITIES!!!!
Effect without a cause indeed. This is his newest album. I got it today when I went to pick up my meds. (And I was a good girl and didn't buy the COMPLETE Buck Rogers for 15.00) I know that a lot of people get pissy with him when he tries to reinvent his own music. The thing of it is that art is about having an open mind. And if you aren't going to have an open mind you really can't criticize.Well you can, but its not fair. In this case if you don't like symphonic music the fact that it is Sting isn't going to help anything. In my case, I love symphonic music. I love Sting. There is nothing to dislike about this offering.
The CD comes in a paper folder with muted blocks of Synchronicity's signature colors. One would think that a jewel case would be a safer storage unit than a heavy card stock folder; but you've never seen me mutilate a jewel case. The song list is not what I expected. I don't think that anyone has ever redone "Next to You". It was spectacular! There are songs from his contribution to the shanty collection that came out with the Pirates of the Caribbean. Roxanne and Every Little Thing show up. Do they HAVE to? Or does he know that we WANT them to? And that is just how awesome the wrapping paper is. The real present is inside.
The liner notes are written, not by Sting, but by Anthony DeCurtis. I know that I can't write about this any better than he does. I just want to offer my own observations. The thing that I like about these classical interpretations, be it Sting or Paul McCartney, is that the adaptations will let them perform at their best as they get older and their voices change. For a change I can hear all of the words, all of the nuances in his voice. The more control he has in his voice, the more mature his performances the more you want to hear clean musical interpretations. I've noticed, over the last few albums, that he doesn't have to strain himself vocally. That happens to rockers as they get older.
The music is symphonic to be sure. Four different orchestras perform on the album. And frankly, if this is what I missed in Chicago last year cause I didn't have 4000.00 then I dang well better get rich quick! But if you listen closely to 10 Summoner's Tales, Soul Cages, Sacred Love and Labyrinth then you will notice that the orchestral or symphonic quality has always been a part of Sting's style. Even when Every Little Thing was fresh and played ad nauseum on the radio you could hear where the symphony belonged. This isn't really a stretch so much as a graceful extension of who he already is.
Admittedly I get a little tired of Roxanne showing up everywhere. But I heard his acoustic jazzy version when we still had a light jazz station in town and really liked how fresh the song was. I like this version even more. Somehow Roxanne's persona changes a little with the strings and the piano. The cello makes her seem sad and sympathetic all at once where she used to be a forgotten poster child. It seems she is older and sadder for want of a different life and the imagination to make it better. True, mentally I tend to dress her more like a Bronte anti-heroine than a West End prostitute as was the costume in the 80s. Now she seems like someone who spent the grandest part of her years as a mistress with nothing to signify her loyalty and affection. The Lord is dead, her skills are useless and there is no where to go with out the imagination to reinvent herself. More haunting than ever, I love this song more than I ever have before.
I love that you can still sing along with these songs. The orchestras will never make me sound better. But at least there is more of his voice to drown me out for the sake of my accidental audiences.
land of confusion
Eye doctor put me back on meds today. Great news on the one hand because this will take the swelling down so that I'm not always listing to port. It's a horrible thing to do to your mind, inflicting all sorts of tactical barriers to standing up right while forcing it to do your bidding. Most of the time you just stand in place waiting for the room to quit spininng or praying that the part of the multiverse where you are on a whaling boat pursuing Moby Dick would quit bleeding into this one. I hate ships! Pretty to look at but not fun to stand on. But now he is wondering.
A wondering Ed isn't always a good thing. He's thinking that this is more than the rosacae now. I got the third degree about diet and whatnot since I've lost like 30 pounds in 6 months and nearly 50 in a pre-plateau period of about 5 months. Its just my right eye and if he knocks it out with the antibiotics then it comes back with a vengence when the course of meds is over. So now I'm on this stuff for 6 months. Of course I can hardly see out of this swollen eye.
But the real reason that I am confused is that I had more blood work today. I asked the tech what all this was supposed to tell the doctor. Its what I thought that he tested last week. I guess I either misunderstood or that work up was just too basis. Now I wait to find out if I have anemia, what my cell count is and what my blood gases are. So if that is what we did today then what happened last week? I am sooooooooo confused.
And still dizzy and fatigued all the time. You'd think that if I've been dealing with this for months now that I'd be used to it. Problem is your body can't really get used to this kind of stuff. It puts up with your stupd crap/denial for so long before it decides to scream louder that you are a moron and cannot wait for Dr. McCoy to get born before dealing with the issues. So now... I'm gonna guess that the reason I am not hungry is because I really don't relish the idea of randomly vomitting. Just a guess.
So since I know I was ignored last time I said this: GO TO YOUR DOCTOR FOR A CHECK UP!
A wondering Ed isn't always a good thing. He's thinking that this is more than the rosacae now. I got the third degree about diet and whatnot since I've lost like 30 pounds in 6 months and nearly 50 in a pre-plateau period of about 5 months. Its just my right eye and if he knocks it out with the antibiotics then it comes back with a vengence when the course of meds is over. So now I'm on this stuff for 6 months. Of course I can hardly see out of this swollen eye.
But the real reason that I am confused is that I had more blood work today. I asked the tech what all this was supposed to tell the doctor. Its what I thought that he tested last week. I guess I either misunderstood or that work up was just too basis. Now I wait to find out if I have anemia, what my cell count is and what my blood gases are. So if that is what we did today then what happened last week? I am sooooooooo confused.
And still dizzy and fatigued all the time. You'd think that if I've been dealing with this for months now that I'd be used to it. Problem is your body can't really get used to this kind of stuff. It puts up with your stupd crap/denial for so long before it decides to scream louder that you are a moron and cannot wait for Dr. McCoy to get born before dealing with the issues. So now... I'm gonna guess that the reason I am not hungry is because I really don't relish the idea of randomly vomitting. Just a guess.
So since I know I was ignored last time I said this: GO TO YOUR DOCTOR FOR A CHECK UP!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Cue the scarry music
Again, NEXT BLOG button rules. I may have to have a new lable. This is more fun than when I first started trolling Blogger. The variety and quality of bloggers is on the rise.
Did you watch Mystery on PBS in the 80's and 90's? Did you love the music? The blakc and white animation? Do you recognize the artist's work when you find it in the wild and think back to all of those Sunday afternoons with Holmes, Poirot, Marple, Rumpole and company? Even now, when I sit down to a mystery or a suspense, I want it to open with an Edward Gorey animation. So when I found this blog, I was thrilled.
www.goreyana.blogspot.com
I have everything that the BBC has released for the Jeremy Brett Holmes series that ran inconjunction with WGBH Boston. In all of the special features there is not one reference to the Mystery! opening. It is sad. If it weren't for that pond-spanning joint venture I would never have known about this wonderfully true to print Holmes and Watson.
Go visit. Enjoy. Subscribe.
Did you watch Mystery on PBS in the 80's and 90's? Did you love the music? The blakc and white animation? Do you recognize the artist's work when you find it in the wild and think back to all of those Sunday afternoons with Holmes, Poirot, Marple, Rumpole and company? Even now, when I sit down to a mystery or a suspense, I want it to open with an Edward Gorey animation. So when I found this blog, I was thrilled.
www.goreyana.blogspot.com
I have everything that the BBC has released for the Jeremy Brett Holmes series that ran inconjunction with WGBH Boston. In all of the special features there is not one reference to the Mystery! opening. It is sad. If it weren't for that pond-spanning joint venture I would never have known about this wonderfully true to print Holmes and Watson.
Go visit. Enjoy. Subscribe.
Oh the Places You'll Go!!!
I've been at the "NEXT BLOG" button again today. Found a few things that look promising if I could really stand the whole political thing. The political lady with the psych degree was rather insightful on the diff between neurosis, psychosis and being totally disconnected from reality. I am neurotic. Strong character and neurotic. It really screams that the only thing I'll ever be is a poor artist doesn't it? Maybe a mildly entertaining author?
Anyway, one of the blogs I found was The Candy Corn Chronicles. I wanted to share a link with you guys so that you could see the awesome sand castles that she photographed. Its a great little blog; art, Halloween and cool fairytale stuff for grown ups. The So big you can walk through them sand castles were AMAZING!!!!!!!!! But when I tried to cut and paste I triggered some kind of temporal distortion thingy and whacked the whole system really good. So you've got to go there the hard way.
Google the blog and use the link to get there. The URL isn't the same as the name of the blog. Sorry. But you see how technophobic and adverse I really am. I just know these things are waiting to take over the world. It is only a matter of time.
Anyway, one of the blogs I found was The Candy Corn Chronicles. I wanted to share a link with you guys so that you could see the awesome sand castles that she photographed. Its a great little blog; art, Halloween and cool fairytale stuff for grown ups. The So big you can walk through them sand castles were AMAZING!!!!!!!!! But when I tried to cut and paste I triggered some kind of temporal distortion thingy and whacked the whole system really good. So you've got to go there the hard way.
Google the blog and use the link to get there. The URL isn't the same as the name of the blog. Sorry. But you see how technophobic and adverse I really am. I just know these things are waiting to take over the world. It is only a matter of time.
Good news
So the really good news, lest you think that all this whining lately is all there will be, is that the estate is entering into it final stages. That means two things: with the house for sale it will mean that there is a way out of the fiscal hell I've unsuccessfully been climbing out of. The other thing that it means is that there is a crossroads where many divergent paths will take me forward.
The house has had its cosmetic reconstruction done over the resolved foundational issues. The most expensive fixes were not done, just the necessary ones. I wish that I could go back and live in it until it sells. But that is not going to happen no matter how I beg and plead. With luck, because it does have a lot to merit attention and great attributes to fall in love with despite its issues, it will sell fast. The sale will let me pay off a big enough chunk of student loans to be able to breathe, have my entire paycheck to myself and pay off the new car.
But then there are those divergent options: start that business, get a place to live so that I can have my alone time and stay sane, move somewhere for a fresh start, put some investment money into educating myself for something better suited to me, get the software that will let me do more with my life/art, trip to Germany.
It's the boost that I need to get my life back on track and go down the road that I have the tools to travel. I am a team player. The difference between the Chess team and the Football team is what makes the difference between individual success and failure. I am out of my depth on a big team without mentoring. And Football is just not my game. Unfortunately... I don't really know where the Chess teams are. hmmm......
The house has had its cosmetic reconstruction done over the resolved foundational issues. The most expensive fixes were not done, just the necessary ones. I wish that I could go back and live in it until it sells. But that is not going to happen no matter how I beg and plead. With luck, because it does have a lot to merit attention and great attributes to fall in love with despite its issues, it will sell fast. The sale will let me pay off a big enough chunk of student loans to be able to breathe, have my entire paycheck to myself and pay off the new car.
But then there are those divergent options: start that business, get a place to live so that I can have my alone time and stay sane, move somewhere for a fresh start, put some investment money into educating myself for something better suited to me, get the software that will let me do more with my life/art, trip to Germany.
It's the boost that I need to get my life back on track and go down the road that I have the tools to travel. I am a team player. The difference between the Chess team and the Football team is what makes the difference between individual success and failure. I am out of my depth on a big team without mentoring. And Football is just not my game. Unfortunately... I don't really know where the Chess teams are. hmmm......
imagination fails
I think that I am experiencing another failure of imagination. I had a long talk with the boss lady at work. On the one hand it sucked. On the other it was illuminating. But still sucky. I've had two days to be in my room and "think about what I've done". Which really in the long run accomplished nothing but the tightness in my chest getting tighter and increasing the brain pain. In short, I don't know how to fix the problem.
In part, I still don't know what the problem is. I have a strong personality. Which means??? And why don't I have more success (read money)? Strong people are achievers and over achievers. A strong character I see. Maybe one of the more memorable Friends or one of Frasier's more colorful girlfriends... but beyond memorable I don't get the strong. Strong says unflappable. And I am definitely flappable. Of course it takes a few months before the flap comes unhinged and then only because there is never any other resolution to an issue be it technical or personal beyond "You're just being a baby." or my personal favorite... not!... "It's all in your head."
Strong also says confident and self assured. I'm not confident at all. With everything in my life I feel like I am on the verge of total failure and it is by luck that I am not the most entertaining homeless person in London ("Man with a Twisted Lip", my fave Holmes story). I never really feel comfortable with my self unless I am at my art table. Even then I get the creative heebie-jeebies when I cut into a piece of paper that I know I will want more of than what I bought. Strong also says brave.
Brave I can see. I'm not afraid to tackle the tough crap. I am afraid of making a bigger mess. But I am not afraid of the crap. I will dig into the stuff that makes other people run for a bottle or pills until I know what it is, understand it and can find a way in/out/through/over/under. But not run from it. My small group in church used to remark all the time that if they had the ghost of my mothers choices to live with they would have run to the furthest edges of the planet than stay here and face things. Brave is refusing to run away when your heart gets broken. Brave is getting up on the horse after it throws you... not avoiding carousels for the rest of your life. Brave isn't always smart. I do a lot of stupid things in the name of bravado. And I'm not always brave. I do a lot of cowardly stuff just like we all do. I'm no MacGyver, chasing bad guys across continents.
Strong can mean opinionated. Opinionated can be negative, egotistical and belittling [enter faded photo of mom] and over bearing when the person turns out to be wrong 80% of the time. I know that I am opinionated. When I know I am right I am pretty bullheaded about it.
But that is the only thing about me that I think, that I see, as strong. Well, feelings of loyalty as well. If you are good to me I am good to you. If you are mean to me you don't exist anymore. I have strong convictions like that.
So I don't know what to do with the statement that I have a strong personality. It was a specific thing to say in a generalized sort of fashion. Unless it was meant to tell me that I have to be a weak personality to survive that conversation I don't know what to do with it.
And I don't know how to fix the other things. I've asked for months and months for some consideration and not only not gotten it. But like dealing with my brother, when people know what I find rude and offensive then that is what they do more and more. When being nice doesn't work then you have to try something else. So I do what gets people's attention. And now I'm in hot water. I think what is expected is that I am supposed to joyfully stick my head in a noose, any noose that is presented. The whole "Thank you sir may I have another" file. It isn't a matter of pride but rather self respect. Who lets people mistreat them on a regular basis? Of course now that the biggest culprits are being disrespected by some new hires that is all changing. Now they know what I am talking about by the little things that build up on a daily basis.
And my solution to prevent my mouth from getting me into more trouble is to not use it. I don't have conversations on subjects beyond Castle, German pop music and weather any more. There really isn't anyone that you can trust. We had that post with the Conversation Starter. I keep my head down and I do my work best as my body and the duties will let me. Which isn't good enough.
As far as the specific thing that makes it hard to muster the courage to go in to work on my next day goes... the only thing that I can think to do is switch to the second shift exclusively. If I can keep my same days off that will be okay. But it is going to make any of the living arrangements I have lined up less than the viable solutions they already were. I keep shrinking myself to fit my circumstances and that isn't really helping anything either. But I can not think of another way out of this with the limited information that I have.
In part, I still don't know what the problem is. I have a strong personality. Which means??? And why don't I have more success (read money)? Strong people are achievers and over achievers. A strong character I see. Maybe one of the more memorable Friends or one of Frasier's more colorful girlfriends... but beyond memorable I don't get the strong. Strong says unflappable. And I am definitely flappable. Of course it takes a few months before the flap comes unhinged and then only because there is never any other resolution to an issue be it technical or personal beyond "You're just being a baby." or my personal favorite... not!... "It's all in your head."
Strong also says confident and self assured. I'm not confident at all. With everything in my life I feel like I am on the verge of total failure and it is by luck that I am not the most entertaining homeless person in London ("Man with a Twisted Lip", my fave Holmes story). I never really feel comfortable with my self unless I am at my art table. Even then I get the creative heebie-jeebies when I cut into a piece of paper that I know I will want more of than what I bought. Strong also says brave.
Brave I can see. I'm not afraid to tackle the tough crap. I am afraid of making a bigger mess. But I am not afraid of the crap. I will dig into the stuff that makes other people run for a bottle or pills until I know what it is, understand it and can find a way in/out/through/over/under. But not run from it. My small group in church used to remark all the time that if they had the ghost of my mothers choices to live with they would have run to the furthest edges of the planet than stay here and face things. Brave is refusing to run away when your heart gets broken. Brave is getting up on the horse after it throws you... not avoiding carousels for the rest of your life. Brave isn't always smart. I do a lot of stupid things in the name of bravado. And I'm not always brave. I do a lot of cowardly stuff just like we all do. I'm no MacGyver, chasing bad guys across continents.
Strong can mean opinionated. Opinionated can be negative, egotistical and belittling [enter faded photo of mom] and over bearing when the person turns out to be wrong 80% of the time. I know that I am opinionated. When I know I am right I am pretty bullheaded about it.
But that is the only thing about me that I think, that I see, as strong. Well, feelings of loyalty as well. If you are good to me I am good to you. If you are mean to me you don't exist anymore. I have strong convictions like that.
So I don't know what to do with the statement that I have a strong personality. It was a specific thing to say in a generalized sort of fashion. Unless it was meant to tell me that I have to be a weak personality to survive that conversation I don't know what to do with it.
And I don't know how to fix the other things. I've asked for months and months for some consideration and not only not gotten it. But like dealing with my brother, when people know what I find rude and offensive then that is what they do more and more. When being nice doesn't work then you have to try something else. So I do what gets people's attention. And now I'm in hot water. I think what is expected is that I am supposed to joyfully stick my head in a noose, any noose that is presented. The whole "Thank you sir may I have another" file. It isn't a matter of pride but rather self respect. Who lets people mistreat them on a regular basis? Of course now that the biggest culprits are being disrespected by some new hires that is all changing. Now they know what I am talking about by the little things that build up on a daily basis.
And my solution to prevent my mouth from getting me into more trouble is to not use it. I don't have conversations on subjects beyond Castle, German pop music and weather any more. There really isn't anyone that you can trust. We had that post with the Conversation Starter. I keep my head down and I do my work best as my body and the duties will let me. Which isn't good enough.
As far as the specific thing that makes it hard to muster the courage to go in to work on my next day goes... the only thing that I can think to do is switch to the second shift exclusively. If I can keep my same days off that will be okay. But it is going to make any of the living arrangements I have lined up less than the viable solutions they already were. I keep shrinking myself to fit my circumstances and that isn't really helping anything either. But I can not think of another way out of this with the limited information that I have.
Monday, July 19, 2010
wondering some more
Well, I didn't sleep last night. Criminal Minds until one falls asleep makes for uneasy dreaming when one does get to sleep. I'm so Spencer.
I did go and pay some bills and managed to check the classifieds today. I have a friend in Ludington who is keeping his fingers crossed for me and looking at the Ludington Manistee papers to find something. I think that kind of contact is going to be the way to go. I don't want to bother Sweetie with these issues. We are each others vacation from reality. I don't think that we can be the solutions for day to day stuff. That isn't what we wanted from each other. And as much as we'd like to spend more time together I don't really want to live downstate. Visiting is hard enough.
The only thing that is making it easy to function today is knowing that this is exactly what is supposed to happen. I've avoided some of the premonitions that freaked me out over the last year or so. Even the crunched Focus didn't bother me because I knew that there was a door to opportunity behind that. And I know that the job situation is going to bring me to a better place where I fit honestly instead of because of the pretense of being "ON". From a financial standpoint I am freaking out. From a "You life will be fine" standpoint I am okay. And that puzzles me.
The PCOS thing has me out of control most days. I can't grasp where I am in the hormonal mess even when there is no outside stimuli. And the doctor isn't getting back to me. I got the bill for the tests. But not the information. All I know is that I am always tired, which is the over production of insulin and possibly anemia to boot. There is always a flood of crap running through me which is androgens and a host of endorphins and hormones yet to be announced and I do not need mental pills. I need to get the body back in balance. So how can I have a sense of peace that the right thing is coming along when everything seems to be interfering? Maybe I am just lying to myself and don't know it. Or maybe I am beginning to really lose those marbles that all creative types are said to lose.
Or maybe I am tired of being something that I am not. Never was the most social animal in the world and it looks like I can only pull this "on" comedienne thing off for a few months. Or maybe the Conversation Starter was right: you can't make friends at work, you can't work at being friends with your friends (it has to come easy) and if it's too much work then it isn't the right thing to be doing. Your friends are supposed to be the solution to the problems in life... not another problem/puzzle/riddle/enigma to solve.
I did go and pay some bills and managed to check the classifieds today. I have a friend in Ludington who is keeping his fingers crossed for me and looking at the Ludington Manistee papers to find something. I think that kind of contact is going to be the way to go. I don't want to bother Sweetie with these issues. We are each others vacation from reality. I don't think that we can be the solutions for day to day stuff. That isn't what we wanted from each other. And as much as we'd like to spend more time together I don't really want to live downstate. Visiting is hard enough.
The only thing that is making it easy to function today is knowing that this is exactly what is supposed to happen. I've avoided some of the premonitions that freaked me out over the last year or so. Even the crunched Focus didn't bother me because I knew that there was a door to opportunity behind that. And I know that the job situation is going to bring me to a better place where I fit honestly instead of because of the pretense of being "ON". From a financial standpoint I am freaking out. From a "You life will be fine" standpoint I am okay. And that puzzles me.
The PCOS thing has me out of control most days. I can't grasp where I am in the hormonal mess even when there is no outside stimuli. And the doctor isn't getting back to me. I got the bill for the tests. But not the information. All I know is that I am always tired, which is the over production of insulin and possibly anemia to boot. There is always a flood of crap running through me which is androgens and a host of endorphins and hormones yet to be announced and I do not need mental pills. I need to get the body back in balance. So how can I have a sense of peace that the right thing is coming along when everything seems to be interfering? Maybe I am just lying to myself and don't know it. Or maybe I am beginning to really lose those marbles that all creative types are said to lose.
Or maybe I am tired of being something that I am not. Never was the most social animal in the world and it looks like I can only pull this "on" comedienne thing off for a few months. Or maybe the Conversation Starter was right: you can't make friends at work, you can't work at being friends with your friends (it has to come easy) and if it's too much work then it isn't the right thing to be doing. Your friends are supposed to be the solution to the problems in life... not another problem/puzzle/riddle/enigma to solve.
Hello again
Here we go, Everybody meet Kristen. Kristen meet Everybody. Kristen loves physics and would probably have been able to answer today's Aroma's trivia question: which is the only letter of the alphabet not to appear in the periodic table? I haven't verified the answer yet. But the answer will appear at the bottom of the post.
Kristen joined us this morning. I'm hoping that there will be some witty insights coming from our new physics friend. Or at the very least she will be the one to develop a Heissenberg compensator. Transporters! Woo Hoo!!!
the answer is J
Kristen joined us this morning. I'm hoping that there will be some witty insights coming from our new physics friend. Or at the very least she will be the one to develop a Heissenberg compensator. Transporters! Woo Hoo!!!
the answer is J
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Transitions
The thing about the events in our lives is that they are, if nothing else, educational tools. The trick is to figure out that there is something to learn in every setback as well as success. If you learn nothing then you have wasted not only your time and energy, but the time and energy of the people with whom you live your life.
I started with setback for a reason. I am facing one.
Usually they sneak up on you and you can't see them coming like walking into work and finding your nose smashed on the door because its still locked and will be forever. Or finding out that your entire division is being dissolved in one of those infamous budget cuts. My personal faves though: the guy you are engaged to says he wants to go back to the woman he'd dated 4 years ago while dressing for a job interview and has taken your last dime on the way out the door. Did NOT see that coming. Also like the surprise of finding out that the peole with whom you have bonded over the trivial and frustrating things in life don't have your back but rather the knife rammed in it up to the hilt. LOVE that. It's sudden. It's painful so that you notice it and don't gloss over the details and end up missing an important lesson.
The setback I am facing is subtle. Been building for a long time too. Sadly though, it is a repeat of something that I failed to learn when I was little. In a bid to belong to a group and have the same WIDE circle of friends that my sister has, I let my guard down and let my maleable empathic self speak and behave like the people around me. I failed to evaluate the individuals involved. I failed to see that the crowd was in fact nothing more than lemmings and thus allowed myself to be swept up in the herd. The problem with that is that nothing of the conflicts and frustrations got resolved by my stooping. And in the end, I'm not really any more a part of the group at work than I was ever part of the girls group in middle school. In fact, because my behavior was so deplorable and uncharacteristic it was easy to get shoved into the radar, get noticed and have a Be a Team Player or Pick a New Team spiel with the Assisstant General Manager. So those who should have gotten the lecture with me were absent and I look like the next person to be fired.
It isn't that I'm not a nice person. Everyone is very quick to tell me that they love me and like me as a person but that I am hard to work with. The girls can all tell us to fuck off with regularity but when I say it? Perish the thought! We can ask to be treated with respect. But no one will give it. We can ask to have someone intervene. But then when we do we get told that we are being overly sensitive. Of the three of us, I'm the one who's snapped and had enough. I've given back what I got.
So what have I learned? Well... maybe not everyone in the world can have the scads of friends that my sister always has had. I'll cop to some jealousy. And maybe not everyone in the world needs more than a handful of friends. In fact, I might be one of those people who only needs two or three people to keep close. I might even be one of those people who doesn't need anyone closer than a Facebook post or two. I shouldn't have thought that work was a place to have friends of the kind of closeness that I thought I could have. I should not have shut down the empathic parts of myself that tell me when to trust, who to trust and profile people. I'll never be as good as Hotch. And who would be without a pro script writer? But there were warning signs that I ignored because I've been told by too many people that I am paranoid for no good reason.
I have also learned that I don't know the difference between being a tattle tale and informing. How silly is that? I'm 40. How do I not know? I held crap in for a long time because I was told I was being a baby. And since I am never a very good judge of how other people perceive me (none of us are) I listened. Which means that I took more crap than I could process.
But the other thing that I learned is that I don't have the game skills that mean girls have. When I stay aloof I don't have these problems. I get lonely. I get jealous of the friendships that I see others have that I don't and I throw reason and caution to the wind. And this is the kind of thing that happens. It's like getting called into Sr. Teresa's office for laughing with the cool kids when they made fun of her for overusing the word "balls" in an announcement. I had no idea that balls was a word for scrotum nor what they were. But they were laughing and I wanted to belong.
Laughing is the easiest thing in the world. So belonging should have been as easy. Right? Nope. And just like then... I'm the only one who's gotten caught. Or, if I'm not the only one I'm certainly the bigger disappointment because I was supposed to be better than that.
And I guess when I asked if a rumor surrounding my transfer to a new building was true and I got the deer in the headlights "Shit! Busted!" look I should have followed my instincts and begun looking for a job then. When I didn't get the letter of recommendation, but a bunch of excuses, I should have known something was up. The only reason that I didn't get fired a long time ago is because I am nice and likable and have a quirky character personality. It covers a multitude of sins. But it masks problems too. So there I have learned that I should save that dazzling wit and the majority of the funny for Facebook and blog.
And I have learned that I don't know how to shut the person off from the job. Sure, you can't expect to go into work pissy because your brother runs over your car and take your frustrations with him out on the coworkers. But how do you shut off the other things? How do you pretend that being disrespected for months on end by coworkers OK? How do you pretend that it is fine to be yanked all over the building to do things not on your job list and then be accused of failing to perform to expectations? That isn't OK. I don't care who you are in an organization... you have to look at all the picture. And if my big problem is that I can't shut that off... not that I don't chose to but that I don't know how then why not explain it?
And I have learned that I may not be cut out for menial work after all. I have thought that I can deal with being a peon. May be I can't. I don't know what I can do without a degree to prove that I am smart enough to do more than fold laundry. And I don't even hope to make money with the art any more because we don't have an economy that will let many people care about that kind of thing. All of the issues with work could just be a reflection of the need to be somewhere that uses my skill set better. My subconsciousness may have spent the last year telling me I gave up on my dreams to soon even if my family was telling me that I had held on too long. I don't know.
I've been told over and over again that I need to be a writer. Of what?
I know that everything is going to work out the way that it needs to. This is a very uncomfortable place to be right now. I am on the edge of ruin or success. This is the kind of crossroads that makes the Dave Thomases of the world rich, famous or both. It is also the kind of crossroads that let the van Gough's of the world fall into utter ruination. Sure, I might be famous for my art and writing later since the Internet guarantees that my blog will outlive me. But that doesn't pay bills, gain you friends or the respect of your peers. I either have to be someone different than what I am, find a personality tutor who will teach me how to be a better employee or be somewhere else in my life.
How is that for options?
I started with setback for a reason. I am facing one.
Usually they sneak up on you and you can't see them coming like walking into work and finding your nose smashed on the door because its still locked and will be forever. Or finding out that your entire division is being dissolved in one of those infamous budget cuts. My personal faves though: the guy you are engaged to says he wants to go back to the woman he'd dated 4 years ago while dressing for a job interview and has taken your last dime on the way out the door. Did NOT see that coming. Also like the surprise of finding out that the peole with whom you have bonded over the trivial and frustrating things in life don't have your back but rather the knife rammed in it up to the hilt. LOVE that. It's sudden. It's painful so that you notice it and don't gloss over the details and end up missing an important lesson.
The setback I am facing is subtle. Been building for a long time too. Sadly though, it is a repeat of something that I failed to learn when I was little. In a bid to belong to a group and have the same WIDE circle of friends that my sister has, I let my guard down and let my maleable empathic self speak and behave like the people around me. I failed to evaluate the individuals involved. I failed to see that the crowd was in fact nothing more than lemmings and thus allowed myself to be swept up in the herd. The problem with that is that nothing of the conflicts and frustrations got resolved by my stooping. And in the end, I'm not really any more a part of the group at work than I was ever part of the girls group in middle school. In fact, because my behavior was so deplorable and uncharacteristic it was easy to get shoved into the radar, get noticed and have a Be a Team Player or Pick a New Team spiel with the Assisstant General Manager. So those who should have gotten the lecture with me were absent and I look like the next person to be fired.
It isn't that I'm not a nice person. Everyone is very quick to tell me that they love me and like me as a person but that I am hard to work with. The girls can all tell us to fuck off with regularity but when I say it? Perish the thought! We can ask to be treated with respect. But no one will give it. We can ask to have someone intervene. But then when we do we get told that we are being overly sensitive. Of the three of us, I'm the one who's snapped and had enough. I've given back what I got.
So what have I learned? Well... maybe not everyone in the world can have the scads of friends that my sister always has had. I'll cop to some jealousy. And maybe not everyone in the world needs more than a handful of friends. In fact, I might be one of those people who only needs two or three people to keep close. I might even be one of those people who doesn't need anyone closer than a Facebook post or two. I shouldn't have thought that work was a place to have friends of the kind of closeness that I thought I could have. I should not have shut down the empathic parts of myself that tell me when to trust, who to trust and profile people. I'll never be as good as Hotch. And who would be without a pro script writer? But there were warning signs that I ignored because I've been told by too many people that I am paranoid for no good reason.
I have also learned that I don't know the difference between being a tattle tale and informing. How silly is that? I'm 40. How do I not know? I held crap in for a long time because I was told I was being a baby. And since I am never a very good judge of how other people perceive me (none of us are) I listened. Which means that I took more crap than I could process.
But the other thing that I learned is that I don't have the game skills that mean girls have. When I stay aloof I don't have these problems. I get lonely. I get jealous of the friendships that I see others have that I don't and I throw reason and caution to the wind. And this is the kind of thing that happens. It's like getting called into Sr. Teresa's office for laughing with the cool kids when they made fun of her for overusing the word "balls" in an announcement. I had no idea that balls was a word for scrotum nor what they were. But they were laughing and I wanted to belong.
Laughing is the easiest thing in the world. So belonging should have been as easy. Right? Nope. And just like then... I'm the only one who's gotten caught. Or, if I'm not the only one I'm certainly the bigger disappointment because I was supposed to be better than that.
And I guess when I asked if a rumor surrounding my transfer to a new building was true and I got the deer in the headlights "Shit! Busted!" look I should have followed my instincts and begun looking for a job then. When I didn't get the letter of recommendation, but a bunch of excuses, I should have known something was up. The only reason that I didn't get fired a long time ago is because I am nice and likable and have a quirky character personality. It covers a multitude of sins. But it masks problems too. So there I have learned that I should save that dazzling wit and the majority of the funny for Facebook and blog.
And I have learned that I don't know how to shut the person off from the job. Sure, you can't expect to go into work pissy because your brother runs over your car and take your frustrations with him out on the coworkers. But how do you shut off the other things? How do you pretend that being disrespected for months on end by coworkers OK? How do you pretend that it is fine to be yanked all over the building to do things not on your job list and then be accused of failing to perform to expectations? That isn't OK. I don't care who you are in an organization... you have to look at all the picture. And if my big problem is that I can't shut that off... not that I don't chose to but that I don't know how then why not explain it?
And I have learned that I may not be cut out for menial work after all. I have thought that I can deal with being a peon. May be I can't. I don't know what I can do without a degree to prove that I am smart enough to do more than fold laundry. And I don't even hope to make money with the art any more because we don't have an economy that will let many people care about that kind of thing. All of the issues with work could just be a reflection of the need to be somewhere that uses my skill set better. My subconsciousness may have spent the last year telling me I gave up on my dreams to soon even if my family was telling me that I had held on too long. I don't know.
I've been told over and over again that I need to be a writer. Of what?
I know that everything is going to work out the way that it needs to. This is a very uncomfortable place to be right now. I am on the edge of ruin or success. This is the kind of crossroads that makes the Dave Thomases of the world rich, famous or both. It is also the kind of crossroads that let the van Gough's of the world fall into utter ruination. Sure, I might be famous for my art and writing later since the Internet guarantees that my blog will outlive me. But that doesn't pay bills, gain you friends or the respect of your peers. I either have to be someone different than what I am, find a personality tutor who will teach me how to be a better employee or be somewhere else in my life.
How is that for options?
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