Been contemplating the issues of being a single woman again. Mostly because there is some financial pressure right now. This pressure highlights for me the errors in my thinking. The issue is foremost because of work as well. It would seem that single people are responsible for making life easier on co-workers with families. I thought that the other family members were responsible for making the co-worker's life easier not me. I get no benefits from accommodating people who were not smart enough to make good relationship decisions in their past but am regarded as heartless if I do not. I didn't make anyone marry "the Chad" (see Charlie's Angels for reference) and bear his kids so I don't know why I have to accommodate them. I did not make anyone steal from a previous employer which eliminates the possibility of them working somewhere else. But I am the one who has to cater to that co-worker. It was his/her mistake so why do I have to compensate for it?
Single people get to take all the crap because we are seen with lesser status. I don't know if that statement is true but it sure feels that way. I am still a human being. I have a life. And my life needs to be respected as well. I need a little help right now. I don't see anyone at work giving me the prime shift so that I can go out and get stuff done. I get the "You made the mess you fix it" thing from my family. And essentially the same thing from the co-workers. There is single. Then there is disconnected.
I think that has been the problem. I have been disconnected. If there were a group to be intimately connected to that is like a family but the connections were made completely by choice then this wouldn't feel so unsettling. A church, social group or even a sport or social club would go a long way to solving some of my issues. My brother has a friend who is looking for work. He made a round of phone calls. Then my brother made a round of phone calls. The friend will probably be at work inside a week. But if it is me then I get the you should do this this and this. If I were to get the same kind of help then it would take resources from someone that brother deems more worthy of that kind of help.
Friends, if you chose to be single do so with your eyes wide open. It means freedom in a lot of respects. There are no arguments about where to go for dinner or what movie to see. But in the realm of finance it does require far more vigilance. YOU are the only income stream. YOU are the one who has to fix mistakes. YOU are the one who is responsible. Don't do single alone. And don't do single without thought to the things that we have taken for granted in the past: saving money, planning a retirement. We need to consider this far more seriously than our married counterparts because the only one looking out for those of us who are singles by choice and lifestyle is US. When you are 80 who is paying for that nursing home?
Sure we might have a society that will let someone put us out of our misery when we are infirm. But if you are 80 and still function but just a hell of a lot slower you don't need a bullet you need someone to mow the yard and help make meals... maybe do laundry. You need assisted living and it won't be free. You can't be 40 and live like a teenager. Trust me it doesn't work. I didn't think too much about these things when I decided that I wasn't going to marry. I'm 40 and struggling in ways I never thought possible. I won't say mind over matter is a lie. But there are things for which I do not have enough brain power to influence outcomes. And that is where I see the greatest difference in being Single and being Alone.
Sooo.... I have joined a small social group. I will get networking assistance to fix some problems. But that too is a relationship and there will be dues to pay, accommodations to make and resources to reciprocate. All those things that I didn't think about make me wonder what I was thinking in the first place. Rushing out and getting married isn't the answer for a lot of us. Some of us are plain scared to make mistakes with another person based on what we've seen not work with others. Some of us just don't have an interest. I get that. Moreover I respect that. But you need to be connected within the realm of your interests so that when there are issue you can deal with them responsibly... even just for the sake of your sanity.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Land of Things I Will Never Understand
This is getting to be some pretty crowded territory! I know you know that being a geek is easier on the intellectual topics but not so much in human relations. So it will come as no surprise to you that I just don't get some people. And the types of some peoples that I don't get is an ever expanding category.
1. Malicious people who say things about you and your friends in hopes of dividing the friendship: First I don't understand why they do this in the first place. If it is to steal a friend from someone else that is stupid. Be friends with both. Or live and let live. Second if you do that to an enlightened person who is going to go to their friend and say "Dude, I wish you had told me you felt that way." you have to know you're going to get busted. And when the truth is out one of us is going to confront you. Case in point.
I was told that a good friend a. was trying to oust me from my job and b. that she told a bunch of people details of a relationship that I didn't want generally broadcast. So I said to her "The Pot Stirrer is at it again. What are we going to do about it?" My friend confronted the Pot Stirrer who denied ever having said it. Then in front of me said "I wish people would quit saying that I said things I didn't say." What? Well I guess it is no surprise. She tends to believe her lies so deeply that she seems to overwrite ever file in her head. I dare the secret government organization who retrieves our deleted emails from the ether to dig through her brain pan and NOT go completely mental in the process!!!
But the thing that I don't understand about the whole thing is that The Pot Stirrer then announced: "I'm going to go home and delete my facebook account and empty my cell phone! I am so sick of every body's bullshit... saying I said things I didn't say... have been places that I haven't been." She said it as though it was the worst thing that she could do to any of us and that we would be sorry for it. Huh? Sorry that she won't be driving wedges into friendships? Sorry that she won't be spreading half truths or out right lying? This is one of the women (childish little girls, truthfully) who was directly responsible for making sure that Sir Knight impaled his tomboyish Maiden Fair fatally through the heart instead of enjoyably in other places. And I'm supposed to be sad that she wants nothing to do with me? Hallelujah! Pop open the 7 Seals and let the Apocalypse begin!!!! You don't get teh Second Coming without the 4 Horsemen.... BRING IT ON!!!!!
2. I do not understand people who draw lines in the sand to keep you away and then get mad when you go play in a different sandbox. This is one for the Conversation Starter. Maybe in his infinite wisdom he can explain to me how this works. Sir Knight draws a line in the sand. I do not cross it. As a matter of fact I avoid it like it's an electric fence with about a 1000 gigawatts of juice coursing through its conductive veins. The line is the No Flirt Zone. I see him coming I run the other way. I don't make eye contact. I've done everything that I can to make sure that he knows that I know that the kind of elbow bumping nudge nudge wink winking in the hallways is totally off the table. But then he forgets himself after a few weeks and flirts. I made the mistake of thinking that meant I could flirt back because the New Berlin Wall came down. Oops! It was just cloaked in light bending shield and my nose is bloody. So there has been a new understanding. We have been scheduled as many opposing shifts as possible. There is only one day that we spend 8 hours together and he avoids my department like its infested with tribbles. The AGM did this because "No one wants to work with you.... especially [redacted to protect me from libel or slander in case anyone can figure out who Sir Knight is]."
So yesterday I walk my newly reduced by 16 pounds ass into work in a really good mood because things are finally starting to even out in the me v. the world category. He' standing at the front desk in a conversation that I don' want to interrupt. I give out the general "Hey!" to everyone and keep moving. He says "Straw." and makes one of those Commander Riker turns to walk elbow to hip through the corridor to the employee lounge in Riker-Troi fashion.
"So what are you up to?" He asks all husky voiced and seemingly genuinely interested in how things are going because it has been so long since we've had a real conversation. He might miss that as much as I do. But I am not falling for it again.
"About 5'8"." [ba da bum!]
As we take a few more steps, he is grabbing at the bag slung over my shoulder. He stops takes my elbow and moves the bag forward out of his way and gives me a sideways Ferris to Cameron kick in the ass.
HEELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Line in the sand!!!!! WTF???
When I get to the employee lounge I look back and him as he is going into the office across the hall. He looks a bit dejected as he is staring after me like a puppy left at the front door.
"You didn't really expect a different answer did you?"
He shook his head and barely above a whisper says "No."
Never saw him the rest of the day.
He really only will talk to me when no one else can see us. He will only play with me when no one else can see us. If he were really still mad at me he wouldn't even bother trying to talk to me. So why the cloak and dagger? Why still act like the line has to be there? Why go through any of this at all? He said to me once that I wouldn't quit because there were good reasons to stay. "Like what?" He spread his arms wide and said "All the love." I hadn't the heart to tell him that he was the biggest reason that I was looking for another job. And if the love of the Pot Stirrer, Gully Dwarf, Bean Counter and the menacing Horde of Harpies is what I have to look forward to then there is no reason to stay once I have found a better fit. Why draw so firm a line of demarcation if you aren't going to respect it yourself?
I know that happens to people who try to quit smoking or diet... the habit is terribly strong to break. Sure, you'd think that being afraid of the deaths that await those demographics is a reason for them to respect the line and not cross it. But it is a force as strong as gravity. What is it that drags Sir Knight back into my orbit? Does he just like to torture himself or is he torturing me?
And why do we have to have these types of people in our galaxies anyway? I will never understand these kinds of people.
1. Malicious people who say things about you and your friends in hopes of dividing the friendship: First I don't understand why they do this in the first place. If it is to steal a friend from someone else that is stupid. Be friends with both. Or live and let live. Second if you do that to an enlightened person who is going to go to their friend and say "Dude, I wish you had told me you felt that way." you have to know you're going to get busted. And when the truth is out one of us is going to confront you. Case in point.
I was told that a good friend a. was trying to oust me from my job and b. that she told a bunch of people details of a relationship that I didn't want generally broadcast. So I said to her "The Pot Stirrer is at it again. What are we going to do about it?" My friend confronted the Pot Stirrer who denied ever having said it. Then in front of me said "I wish people would quit saying that I said things I didn't say." What? Well I guess it is no surprise. She tends to believe her lies so deeply that she seems to overwrite ever file in her head. I dare the secret government organization who retrieves our deleted emails from the ether to dig through her brain pan and NOT go completely mental in the process!!!
But the thing that I don't understand about the whole thing is that The Pot Stirrer then announced: "I'm going to go home and delete my facebook account and empty my cell phone! I am so sick of every body's bullshit... saying I said things I didn't say... have been places that I haven't been." She said it as though it was the worst thing that she could do to any of us and that we would be sorry for it. Huh? Sorry that she won't be driving wedges into friendships? Sorry that she won't be spreading half truths or out right lying? This is one of the women (childish little girls, truthfully) who was directly responsible for making sure that Sir Knight impaled his tomboyish Maiden Fair fatally through the heart instead of enjoyably in other places. And I'm supposed to be sad that she wants nothing to do with me? Hallelujah! Pop open the 7 Seals and let the Apocalypse begin!!!! You don't get teh Second Coming without the 4 Horsemen.... BRING IT ON!!!!!
2. I do not understand people who draw lines in the sand to keep you away and then get mad when you go play in a different sandbox. This is one for the Conversation Starter. Maybe in his infinite wisdom he can explain to me how this works. Sir Knight draws a line in the sand. I do not cross it. As a matter of fact I avoid it like it's an electric fence with about a 1000 gigawatts of juice coursing through its conductive veins. The line is the No Flirt Zone. I see him coming I run the other way. I don't make eye contact. I've done everything that I can to make sure that he knows that I know that the kind of elbow bumping nudge nudge wink winking in the hallways is totally off the table. But then he forgets himself after a few weeks and flirts. I made the mistake of thinking that meant I could flirt back because the New Berlin Wall came down. Oops! It was just cloaked in light bending shield and my nose is bloody. So there has been a new understanding. We have been scheduled as many opposing shifts as possible. There is only one day that we spend 8 hours together and he avoids my department like its infested with tribbles. The AGM did this because "No one wants to work with you.... especially [redacted to protect me from libel or slander in case anyone can figure out who Sir Knight is]."
So yesterday I walk my newly reduced by 16 pounds ass into work in a really good mood because things are finally starting to even out in the me v. the world category. He' standing at the front desk in a conversation that I don' want to interrupt. I give out the general "Hey!" to everyone and keep moving. He says "Straw." and makes one of those Commander Riker turns to walk elbow to hip through the corridor to the employee lounge in Riker-Troi fashion.
"So what are you up to?" He asks all husky voiced and seemingly genuinely interested in how things are going because it has been so long since we've had a real conversation. He might miss that as much as I do. But I am not falling for it again.
"About 5'8"." [ba da bum!]
As we take a few more steps, he is grabbing at the bag slung over my shoulder. He stops takes my elbow and moves the bag forward out of his way and gives me a sideways Ferris to Cameron kick in the ass.
HEELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Line in the sand!!!!! WTF???
When I get to the employee lounge I look back and him as he is going into the office across the hall. He looks a bit dejected as he is staring after me like a puppy left at the front door.
"You didn't really expect a different answer did you?"
He shook his head and barely above a whisper says "No."
Never saw him the rest of the day.
He really only will talk to me when no one else can see us. He will only play with me when no one else can see us. If he were really still mad at me he wouldn't even bother trying to talk to me. So why the cloak and dagger? Why still act like the line has to be there? Why go through any of this at all? He said to me once that I wouldn't quit because there were good reasons to stay. "Like what?" He spread his arms wide and said "All the love." I hadn't the heart to tell him that he was the biggest reason that I was looking for another job. And if the love of the Pot Stirrer, Gully Dwarf, Bean Counter and the menacing Horde of Harpies is what I have to look forward to then there is no reason to stay once I have found a better fit. Why draw so firm a line of demarcation if you aren't going to respect it yourself?
I know that happens to people who try to quit smoking or diet... the habit is terribly strong to break. Sure, you'd think that being afraid of the deaths that await those demographics is a reason for them to respect the line and not cross it. But it is a force as strong as gravity. What is it that drags Sir Knight back into my orbit? Does he just like to torture himself or is he torturing me?
And why do we have to have these types of people in our galaxies anyway? I will never understand these kinds of people.
circumstances require adaptation
My brain is fried. I spent way too much of my morning on an incredibly long email in which psychology and life choices were disseminated. As I am looking for a place to live that is more permanent than brother's basement, one of my friends is trying to match me with one of his friends who is trying to keep from losing his house. No danger of foreclosure there. It's just that circumstances change and require adaptation. So while my friend is concerned for both of us, we are throwing some roadblocks up to his help. That has to stop. Rob doesn't do these things lightly. If he didn't see a good pairing he wouldn't have suggested it. If either of us keeps this up we are both going to lose.
I've been going through housemates like the Hulk through a brick wall. Given some recent comments about the strength of my personality and convictions, I have given some thought to the possibility that I am not ever going to blend with anyone. Rob points out that there is not a single person on the face of this planet save perhaps the Dali Lama (and even then Rob isn't so sure) who can like and get along with every single person. It is not a slight to me that my happy ass Aquarius self is having trouble finding a good fit. Not even astrologers would say our open personality means we can throw caution and discernment to the wind and let Life make living choices for us. It just takes time to find a good match.
Sometimes it also takes someone who is not you to find that match. There is a reason that our friends are in our lives. Sometimes it is the hug in crisis, sometimes the beer in crisis. Sometimes they are supposed to tell you that you're being a baby and sometimes they tell you to stick to your convictions. I hate it when my friends ask me for help and don't take the advice or blunder headlong into Bedlam.
One of the reasons I am resistant to Rob's suggestion, even in my desperation to be out of my brother's house both for his family's sake and mine, is that I am desperate. Truly, factually and unavoidably desperate. In my relatively short history, I have never made good choices in desperation. It puts your mind in panic mode. You bolt without looking. You miss obvious trails and end up diving off cliffs. Desperation makes you do things that are so hard to undo. But this is not my choice. I didn't go looking for this housemate. The housemate was arranged. How do I know it will work?
Well my friend isn't desperate. He is thinking clearly and rationally. I trust him to know better than to mess up two friendships by mismatching us. And I trust my friend to tell me when I am being stupid and when I am being smart enough to know better. In this case I am being both and Rob is good at finding balance. I don't know that Rob's friend would ever have advertised on craigslist or put an add in the paper. So I would not have found this situation on my own. And let's be honest... I'm not always going to know what is best for me. It is hubris to think so. I've got to learn trust sometime. Rob may be an excellent teacher. Like I said, it is in his interest not to ruin two friendships with a foolish choice.
Today's blog entry is one in which I want us to think about how much control we exert on our own lives fruitlessly. While the American spirit values independence from tyranny of all kinds it does not do so in favor of blind stupidity. Each of us, because we are beautifully flawed humans, has a stupid blind streak running through us. We also, because we are human, are capable of learning and adapting and thus improving our lives by making better choices. We can deviate from paths that do not serve us well. I am choosing to loosen the tight-fisted grip I have on my freedom of choice and easing up a bit on the insistence that I am the only one who can make good choices for me. Clearly that is not the case. I must be open to the wisdom of others in my life. And I am smart enough to know the wise from unwise.
I've been going through housemates like the Hulk through a brick wall. Given some recent comments about the strength of my personality and convictions, I have given some thought to the possibility that I am not ever going to blend with anyone. Rob points out that there is not a single person on the face of this planet save perhaps the Dali Lama (and even then Rob isn't so sure) who can like and get along with every single person. It is not a slight to me that my happy ass Aquarius self is having trouble finding a good fit. Not even astrologers would say our open personality means we can throw caution and discernment to the wind and let Life make living choices for us. It just takes time to find a good match.
Sometimes it also takes someone who is not you to find that match. There is a reason that our friends are in our lives. Sometimes it is the hug in crisis, sometimes the beer in crisis. Sometimes they are supposed to tell you that you're being a baby and sometimes they tell you to stick to your convictions. I hate it when my friends ask me for help and don't take the advice or blunder headlong into Bedlam.
One of the reasons I am resistant to Rob's suggestion, even in my desperation to be out of my brother's house both for his family's sake and mine, is that I am desperate. Truly, factually and unavoidably desperate. In my relatively short history, I have never made good choices in desperation. It puts your mind in panic mode. You bolt without looking. You miss obvious trails and end up diving off cliffs. Desperation makes you do things that are so hard to undo. But this is not my choice. I didn't go looking for this housemate. The housemate was arranged. How do I know it will work?
Well my friend isn't desperate. He is thinking clearly and rationally. I trust him to know better than to mess up two friendships by mismatching us. And I trust my friend to tell me when I am being stupid and when I am being smart enough to know better. In this case I am being both and Rob is good at finding balance. I don't know that Rob's friend would ever have advertised on craigslist or put an add in the paper. So I would not have found this situation on my own. And let's be honest... I'm not always going to know what is best for me. It is hubris to think so. I've got to learn trust sometime. Rob may be an excellent teacher. Like I said, it is in his interest not to ruin two friendships with a foolish choice.
Today's blog entry is one in which I want us to think about how much control we exert on our own lives fruitlessly. While the American spirit values independence from tyranny of all kinds it does not do so in favor of blind stupidity. Each of us, because we are beautifully flawed humans, has a stupid blind streak running through us. We also, because we are human, are capable of learning and adapting and thus improving our lives by making better choices. We can deviate from paths that do not serve us well. I am choosing to loosen the tight-fisted grip I have on my freedom of choice and easing up a bit on the insistence that I am the only one who can make good choices for me. Clearly that is not the case. I must be open to the wisdom of others in my life. And I am smart enough to know the wise from unwise.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Now boarding the Geekdom Express
Everyone say hi to Dylan Parry aka the poster on the previous comment. In the Venn diagram of geek Dylan falls pretty close to center with the rest of us if you look at his profile. Welcome aboard.
And now... I must go and think about a post in which I compare and contrast or list the vibes of coffee shops. Which, now that I think of it, is really an assessment of the subcategories of coffee drinkers... hmmm....
And now... I must go and think about a post in which I compare and contrast or list the vibes of coffee shops. Which, now that I think of it, is really an assessment of the subcategories of coffee drinkers... hmmm....
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
say what?
I haven't ranted about anything good in a long while. It seems to me that I am about due for a knock down drag out good old fashioned Frasier Crane temper tantrum. I've gone to the neighborhood coffee shop twice in the last month and found that the opener has not been on time to open the store. I'm not talking about two minute late. I'm talking two hours after the sign says "We're open" and there is not a posted change of hours. Normally this would throw me into a tizzy on my day off since that is where I live when I am not at work. But I can't even muster a more-than-mild irritation.
The coffee shop is Geek central. Coffee stimulates so much in the mind. And the atmosphere stimulates the soul. I don't function well if I am not properly caffeinated and in possession of a calm soul. I also don't function well when my routine is interrupted. So why am I not more upset?
I must have a lot going on in my head. Either that, or I finally have come to the point where I am beginning to agree with 97% of the people surrounding me; it just doesn't matter what I have going on in my life because it will never be as important as what other people are doing because I am single.
The coffee shop is Geek central. Coffee stimulates so much in the mind. And the atmosphere stimulates the soul. I don't function well if I am not properly caffeinated and in possession of a calm soul. I also don't function well when my routine is interrupted. So why am I not more upset?
I must have a lot going on in my head. Either that, or I finally have come to the point where I am beginning to agree with 97% of the people surrounding me; it just doesn't matter what I have going on in my life because it will never be as important as what other people are doing because I am single.
Monday, August 16, 2010
a poem
Cool blue Summer sky
shadow blue
shadow deep
skin cooled in denim shadows
dry grass feels wet
dewy underfoot
Music & literature
under clear sky
white lacey flowers
nodding in the cool breeze nearby
No worries
no fears
Kein Angst
These days of youth soon end
Parents in the netherworld
house for sale
abandonment takes new meaning
There are ghosts in the yard
photgraph memories
silent films
playing beneath the moment
when you must walk away
Day one Journalism
This is harder than it looks. The key to writing and self publishing on the web is catching the readers attention. Once they find you because of the topic of interest then you have to keep their interest with a well written and engaging article. This means photos. All I can say about the photo edittng is YIKES!!!!
I am not a photographer. And I am not going to spend money on downloads for this venture. so guess that means that I have to learn. Why is nothing as simple as advertised????
I am not a photographer. And I am not going to spend money on downloads for this venture. so guess that means that I have to learn. Why is nothing as simple as advertised????
One step ahead of Blogger
Today's Blog of Note is someone who I've been following for a fe weeks. I usually don't get to the good blogs before these guys so this was really pretty cool. I like Anna's blog for the fun and youthful perspective. So have a look...
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