From the "You'll Catch Hell for this One" File

I'm supposed to talk about stuff instead of blog about it when it comes to this relationship. But it is so much easier to blog and figure it out before saying something irrevocable. And I am fresh out of ideas and a little bored by this game.

Okay, it isn't really that I am bored. Its more like being frustrated. I understand when someone says they would like the girl to make the first move. I understand that big, strong strapping men, or even the strong willowy kind, like a take charge girl every-once-in-a-while because ALWAYS being the big, strong dude is a limiting place to be in the BigStrongDude frame of reference. It's like assuming a mechanic's love of cars means he wants to work on your car on the weekend after 60 hours of working on cars when there is a major sporting event to be watched or slept through. I. GET. IT.

But hey, BSD! When she is throwing herself at you and kissing the life out of you it would be nice if you responded with a little more enthusiasm than a piece of drift wood. "Did you want something?"

Besides your head out of a computer game?

"No. Nothing. I thought maybe I could dig that hamburger from last night out of your stomach with my tongue... it didn't seem to sit well." And I'll just go back to my book while you fritter away yet another day in your little own created world. And starve yourself.

I do not know if it is the need to change gears. Or if it is the tragic curse of the geek girl hooking up with the geek guy that is not Howard and Bernadette. I don't know what I am doing in the lead. Heavens to Mergatroid I barely know what I am doing when I am following!!!! I don't know if I have Cabin Fever. I don't know if its because I can hear the grass sprouting under all this damnable snow and its greener than I remember from last season. What I do know is that given the life-situation I am in and the way that Sitting on the Shelf Waiting to Be Enjoyed feeling that a can/box/package of [insert specialty foodie item of your most deepest and secretest longing/guiltiest of guilty pleasures] gets when shoved into the Wayback for months is starting to grow inside of me. I may as well be that can of donated chick peas you aren't eating. Left on this shelf for too long and I am half tempted to just sit here and rot well before the expiration date.

There are other people who wanted to buy that same can of Special Goodness. But you bought it, claimed it for yourself and brought it home. So what... do I sit in the dark and wait for the day when you are rummaging around because you are starving, your fingers graze the container and you go "OMG I forgot I had this!" and devour the contents without a thought as to savoring the goodness? Or should I just wait for my shelf to become populated by an assortment of Treats That Looked Really Awesome in the Store but Are Too Much Work to Prepare Now That You're Home? And what if I don't want to share my shelf? What if I don't want to be on the shelf at all? And what happens if you never notice that you haven't explored all the Special Goodness available to you?

I'll just be the can of almond paste that you meant to make something really special with that gets thrown out when your kids clean out your cupboards because your coffined corpse can't do it for you.

I don't have acute melancholia. Its a rather mild case. Believe me, EVERYONE knows when I have an accute case. And its about as pretty as an e-coli bath. And I guess when we discussed the whole mid-Winter habits thing that I figured wrong. I figured that when one develops habits to deal with being alone that some of those habits would change when one was together. For example, I have a midwinter habit of curling up under the covers and watching TCM until I'm bloodshot. A habit which takes place of having a live person to talk to. A habit I would share or forgo with an opportunity like him around. Likewise I thought when he had a real person to talk to and play with that he wouldn't need to play his game so much.

I think I figured wrong.

Or it is a result of two geeks pairing up. I do not know. I am out of my element here. Of course it could also be as simple as just being out of sync. I wonder how long though, if that figurative shelf were real, I would sit there languishing before he noticed.

Here's Something I Hope You'll Really Enjoy

I've been following this blog for a few weeks now. It is an enjoyable and enlightening thing to experience. I hope that you will take time to stop by and have a good read.
http://www.domesticatedbohemian.blogspot.com/

A thought

Today is a good day for some sad music. Anyone else feeling like the luke warmness of their existence is going to bore them silly?

Elusive Dreams and the ever-present Deprivation

Good Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish people would quit wanting to talk to me at 3 am!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you have empathic friends? You know, the kind of friend that always seems to really totally get who you are and what you are going through at any given point in the day? Empaths are totally amazing people [ignore how much that sounds self congratulatory] with the ability to calm just by being present. Rarely have a negative thing to say about or to anyone because they totally get how human being human is. Forgiving, compassionate, willing to help and generous with their time. But you know what else is true about empaths?

Empaths don't punch a time clock. And they are not empathic because they can hear the pain in your voice. They FEEEEEEEEEEEL. You don't have to say anything. An empath can feel your vibe and share your pain without a word being spoken. And we can do it across the miles. But that doesn't mean that we always want to.

I've been putting up barriers so that I can sleep because I've been having this uncomfortable feeling in the middle of the night that someone is knocking on the back of my skull to get my attention. The stronger the barrier the more insistant the knocking. If you have empathic friends and feel panicky in the middle of the night you need your own way of talking your self down. Or be bold and brave and pick up the phone.

When I get woken from a fitful sleep I can not figure out who it is. And with my living situation I don't have use of my phone. It sometimes will take me all day to figure out who needed me so bloody badly. Knock and I am awake. And worried. Worrying about someone else in addition to dealing with my own cares is energetically crippling. Not knowing who I am worried about is like being in a saw movie. NOT FUN!!!!!!!

I am flattered that people feel my absensce so much that they need me at 3 am. But c'mon. Friends, do not do this to your empathic friends. They want to help you. But they can't be of any use to anyone when they are strung out by sleep deprivation. Oh, and your empathic friends look like they have their shit together and the world is a riotous bed of English wildflowers from your point of view, but they are really good at hiding their crap to avoid over-burdening others. Looking and Being put together are two different things. And empaths are just as messed up as any one else. So when you need them at 3 am send a txt or a short messege with the knowledge that they are not going to get to you till about noon local time. Drink some Chamomile tea or steamed milk and listen to Yanni and put yourself back to bed. You will, at least, give them a fighting chance at inner clarity and cohesion when they aren't looking through the empathic phonebook for that unlisted number than comes up on the psychic caller ID.

Now... on with your day.