Do I Hear the Horsemen?

If you've ever read Revelations then you know that you will know the end of the World As We Know It is signalled by the blowing of 7 horns, the breaking of 7 seals, the unfurling of 7 scrolls and something about 7 lamps (God's way of turning the idiot light on? dunno) and then the thundering hoof beats of 4 Horses bearing Riders (and pestilence, famine, war and some other horrible thing). If you felt the world shift under your feet today and your friendly neighborhood seismologist swears it was NOT an Earth quake, tremor or temblor, be assured it was also not your imagination.

I got an apology today. Someone who was mad at someone else dropped a verbal assault on me Saturday. I had a retort. But... true to my nature, two seconds after said person left the room I was reduced to a puddle of tears. I should not have been yelled at. But in Person's defense: a. I am a safe place to unload baggage. I joke all the time about pets, kids, horses, old men and carious "crazy" people dumping on me because I am safe. And if I don't get the emotional baggage dump then they just get close and soak up my sun. Which is fine... I know how to get more. Anyway.... b. the person he was mad at could not have taken any of that even though she deserved it. And this has been a situation a long time in coming so it was bound to happen sooner or later. and c. I needed to be jolted a bit.

I have spent the better part of this year replaying events in my head and having all manner of small incidents and larger seismic events fitting together like clues on NCIS. I have a clear picture of just how much of a chump I have been with this woman. Every night that I was homeless this Winter and realizing if I had not done her a favor by splitting hours with her I would not have been homeless. And with every catastrophe she instigated my frustration with myself and her being allowed to continue to behave that way grew. I've gained weight trying to stuff the anger, fear and loathing down so that I could put on a happy face for all and sundry. And I have not let myself fall apart on a regular basis. I won't quit because I know that this is a position worth fighting for until I go to school. But I've been a chump.

I was played. Granted I will still win. But just like when I play chess on a board I take heavy losses to gain every win. And I am spending a lot of resources here to win by so slim a margin. And when I got yelled at my dams broke.

Thankfully I knew I was mad at her and not the other Person. And thankfully, after a couple of days to my self, I realized that Person was not mad at me at all. I served my cosmic function of diffusing a difficult situation. I did not really take the damage and it was not a critical hit. Person's job is impacted every time that she fails to consider ALL of her duties. And that is where the frustration came from that drew out that response. But it took me days to realize it.

and this morning Person found me and apologized most sincerely. And asked nothing in return from me. Did not even stick around to wait for me to accept the apology and give absolution. So I have to do it here even though the words will not reach Person's ears. The energy will get there nonetheless.

"I figured out that you were not mad at me. And when I figured that out, I looked at all the times that I thought you were mad, and I realized you were only really mad once. And that one time I did deserve to be corrected though I could have been done so more gently. No matter what you say about what you Think You Deserve, you & everyone else on this planet has to have safe place to detonate. Now that I know that is how I function in your life, I can accept the rapidly changing moods. I do not like it when I have my own crap to deal with. But I accept it.

So I accept your apology. And if the PTB talked to you about any issues that arouse after the minor explosion, I apologize. But know that when asked, I told them that I would handle this one myself. And when the one returns I will make sure that he knows the situation is rectified. I have to as it is my lead in to talk to him about a solution to the situation.

And thank you. I did not expect, nor did I hope for, such an apology.  I am glad to have it though. And you deserve my forgiveness... no matter what you think about what you do and do not deserve. You deserve it and you have it. Our time is too short to hold such petty things against one another. Since this is my cosmic job description if not the one on the handbook. And you are still on the list of My Favorite People that I Have Met in My Life as well as the list of People I Will Miss Forever when it is time to part ways. This is not the time. And little blow ups like that will not be held against you."

And the other good thing about this episode is that having figured out what the rant was about, and then having it confirmed for me during the apology, is that Person will be the model for a character of contrasting strengths and weaknesses for this November's NaNoWriMo...

which reminds me...
please excuse me while I go register my  feeble fingers for the faint hope of future glory.

 

Personal Encyclopedia

I think, for the most part, that is what a blog really is. At least that is what this blog is. The things that I write about are important to me to be sure. They should help some people understand me better. With any luck some of the topics should help others understand themselves or their friends and family. It is not really the cowards way of saying something. It may be a heavy handed way of saying something at times. But I do not put it here to make anyone feel bad. I am trying to process a lot of things. Some from the Past and some from the very present Present.

For instance, I have written things about classmates, cloaked in nom-deplume and aliases so as not to embarrass them. Some of those things are painful for me and given how much faster they matured than I did insofar as releasing the past, the alias protects (I hope) them from derision or ridicule. I've never intended to do more than process the pain and lend some words of wisdom to those who read this and see themselves as the victim or the bully. In time it does get better. And all of these event help shape us.

Those who are in my life now can go "Ah! Now I get what happened here." Some of those stories explain my trust issues. Some of them explain my thought processes. Mostly though they just tend to me be asking people in my life for some slack without having to tell every single story out loud over and over again. I write it down to kinda put a rest to it. It is part of my story. But when I do not have to use my breath to enliven the words I do not relive the pain. It is passive instead of active and it makes life easier to deal with.

But then there are things that I muse over, things that strike me while I am reading other blogs that make me go hmmm.... there is something here that needs attention. It is not a back handed condemnation. It is mostly a "here is an interesting topic. This is what I think about it." If it is interesting enough to open a dialog in person then I would hope readers would dialog with me about it.

I took a little heat for the post about art lifestyle. In that I was addressing the conflicts of the past trying to share a room with my sister, sharing a house with another artist, sharing a house with non-artists, and dealing with the invitations I've had to cohabitate from four different people. But I was also commisserating with the artists who follow this blog. We share a commonality and that is the practicality of being and artist in a non-art environment. We don't live on our own little islands when we make art and there are territorial issues for each of us. And for the non-artist reader I was trying to work out some sort of an explaination for why it is so difficult to live with some of us as something of an Ambassador to the non-art-speaking among us.

If we (me and person from whom I took some heat) were not in the middle of deeper topics I would have explained this. But I kinda feel like I've explained this all a million times before. So I'm sorry that with this very post I've done what you asked I not do. But you are not the only one who needed to be reminded that the blog as an online journal and personal encyclopedia is essentially a repository of things that make the writer who they are and allows the people who are interested in knowing that person the ability to access information at their own convenience. In much the same way a diamond does not wait around to be asked how it forms and what it is made of or how long it took to get the way it is but merely exists... so too do I exist. Anyone who wants to know  a thing or two about a diamond can look that information up whenever one wants to. One doesn't have to wake up the diamond. It doesn't run the risk of pissing off the diamond by asking the same question endlessly. So too, anyone who would know me better may access the blog and be informed...

That's all it is. If it applies. It applies. But generally I do not write without the thought that my posts may be helpful in some way to the general public.