Friday, October 28, 2011
A Teaser
I will soon regale you with a cautionary tale of a geek venturing into unfamiliar territory and the perils awaiting just one small misstep! Keeping in mind how strongly I associate with the Wyrd and Abnormal in search of Signs, Wonders & Portents, you know what happened could only have happened to me.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A Quick Thank You
Hello Readers!
First I want to thank you guys for coming here. Most of you know that I started blogging to get into the habit of writing on a regular basis, an act of creative discipline. I used to write notebooks full of essays on my Summer vacations, during my down time during the school year and whenever there were not art supplies available. I wrote to gain peace of mind. I wrote out my anger. I wrote out the chronicle of my life so that I could see how I am growing. So why move to a public format?
One for accountability so that I would keep writing. And writing interesting things that would bring people back time and again. And two because it is easier to cart around a laptop than hundreds of notebooks; in the end it is cheaper too. :)
I did not expect to have regular readers. My friend Shayne worked his way up to 1000s of readers a day which sparked my competitive nature. And once I had one reader sign up I wanted more. Not to fuel my ego. But to feel less alone. Our good friend Uncle Wil has millions (one) of readers and we connected in a kind of community. I wanted to extend that community.
So here we are. A little band of people gathered together for a variety of reasons, learning, sharing, growing together and hopefully entertaining ourselves in the process. I know I said yesterday that I was feeling like I have to do things alone. Please do not think that means I do not know you guys exist. I do. And I am so thankful that each of you are here with me. I know that our energies connect even though none of us may meet in the real world. And for those that I have met in the real world, I am equally thankful because that means a physical hug and a voice at the end of the phone. So let me explain what alone means.
Alone, in this context means that I can gather all the advice I need or want but a choice that must be made is mine alone. In school we had lab partners. We were all responsible for our grades. When I did daycare there was a core set of House Rules. But as each child entered the house I worked with the parents to amend those rules to make the daycare feel more like home and less like school. It was collaborative. And it was necessary. The less disparity in rules from one place to another made it easier for the kid to follow the rules. Kids are adaptable. But when they occupy many environments per day their little brains gets their mental lists mixed up and made mistakes. We eliminated as much of that as possible. And peace was easier to obtain. When I was Up North I live communally with my friends. We each had our own place but we were banded together. And sometimes that meant I made choices with others in mind instead of solely for myself.
Here, in this time and place that has not served me well. I have a long history of that backfiring on me because those I considered were not considering me. So I am from the extreme of living in community to living singularly. And for only one reason: to relearn boundaries. Mine have always been very porous... like a screen door on a submarine. Even when I am in a community that functions like a healthy community I need to have good solid boundaries because it is easy for people to take advantage without meaning to. So I am in extreme boundary mode. That is how it must be right now. This is the homework that I have been given by my counselor.
And it is the advice that I give all of you who have felt taken advantage of. Having been in that spot, knowing that it was my fault I got taken advantage of, I can tell you that we are our own problem in cases like that. There are a million reasons that we let people walk on us. Mostly it is the passive quality that comes with being an introvert. Introversion comes with being a geek. We come by it naturally and we have to work really hard at being good to ourselves. And that means boundaries. That means that we value ourselves enough to use the word "no" and the concept of "rejuvenation" on ourselves. That means no more porous boundaries.
And that means no more people who get mad at us for taking care of ourselves.
It means no more people who tell us what to do. Listening to them and doing what they say weakens our faith in ourselves and subjugates us to another's will. And we fall for it because they tell us "I only want what is best for you." If Steve Jobs told me that I would believe him. But he is not an authority on anyone but Steve Jobs so I would have to say "Thanks. But I will take the book and be inspired by your life without living it." And I think that would match his expectations.
It means that we decide for ourselves what is best because we are the only ones who know what we really need: Time. Space. Quiet. Companionship or Solitude. Advice or Hand Holding. Escape.
And we are the only ones who know how much time we need to ourselves. No one gets to tell us when we have had enough alone time. And no one gets to be mad about it. Anger in this situation is inappropriate.
This is where I feel alone. I do have people who are angry that I am taking time to myself. Those who have said "OK, whenever you want to talk/hang out/chat." are the ones that I will gravitate toward when I do need to step outside that boundary. They know that I will come back to them. The angry ones I do not know about.
People who get angry about that raise a red flag. I see agendas behind anger. They may not be there. But my mom was that way. In fact everyone that I know who has anger issues is angry because they feel thwarted. And so when I meet angry emotions I go on automatic defense. Being angry with me is how I let down the boundary. I hate it when people are mad at me. I am a Peacekeeper. Anger is not peaceful. So I bend my own rules to keep the peace and then I am stuck living someone else's wish for me.
The other kind of person that I am wary of is the one who calmly says they will respect the boundary and then calls me all the time with a contrived reason to hang out. I like feeling useful. And if you tell me there is a need that only I can fulfill its like throwing up a Bat Signal. I'm in the Bat Mobile and off to the rescue before the phone hangs up only to find there is no emergency when I arrive. "Well since you're here... wanna hang out?"
Angry people do not have faith that I will return to them. And you can not say that you understand my reasons if you are angry. Anger negates understanding. Manipulative people haven't the faith either. And in a way it is also a passive way to control someone else. Just feeling the anger roll off of someone makes me not want to have anything to do with them. Especially when they say "I'm not angry." But their tone and manner of speaking resembles a machine gun.
So, my friends, I thank you for being here and sharing what I feel like sharing. I thank you for caring enough to stop by each day. And I encourage you as always, to know yourself and care for that self. Each of you is special and precious to someone who loves you and the God that you chose to worship if you chose to worship one. But firstly, you must be precious to yourself. Only by being a whole and fulfilled individual can you participate in another persons life in a positive way. It is the only way to combat the darkness that swirls around our planet these days. Encouragement rather than accusation is the only way that we make the Light grow. And friends, how you say that matters more than what you say.
Go and be good to yourself. Be good to others.
First I want to thank you guys for coming here. Most of you know that I started blogging to get into the habit of writing on a regular basis, an act of creative discipline. I used to write notebooks full of essays on my Summer vacations, during my down time during the school year and whenever there were not art supplies available. I wrote to gain peace of mind. I wrote out my anger. I wrote out the chronicle of my life so that I could see how I am growing. So why move to a public format?
One for accountability so that I would keep writing. And writing interesting things that would bring people back time and again. And two because it is easier to cart around a laptop than hundreds of notebooks; in the end it is cheaper too. :)
I did not expect to have regular readers. My friend Shayne worked his way up to 1000s of readers a day which sparked my competitive nature. And once I had one reader sign up I wanted more. Not to fuel my ego. But to feel less alone. Our good friend Uncle Wil has millions (one) of readers and we connected in a kind of community. I wanted to extend that community.
So here we are. A little band of people gathered together for a variety of reasons, learning, sharing, growing together and hopefully entertaining ourselves in the process. I know I said yesterday that I was feeling like I have to do things alone. Please do not think that means I do not know you guys exist. I do. And I am so thankful that each of you are here with me. I know that our energies connect even though none of us may meet in the real world. And for those that I have met in the real world, I am equally thankful because that means a physical hug and a voice at the end of the phone. So let me explain what alone means.
Alone, in this context means that I can gather all the advice I need or want but a choice that must be made is mine alone. In school we had lab partners. We were all responsible for our grades. When I did daycare there was a core set of House Rules. But as each child entered the house I worked with the parents to amend those rules to make the daycare feel more like home and less like school. It was collaborative. And it was necessary. The less disparity in rules from one place to another made it easier for the kid to follow the rules. Kids are adaptable. But when they occupy many environments per day their little brains gets their mental lists mixed up and made mistakes. We eliminated as much of that as possible. And peace was easier to obtain. When I was Up North I live communally with my friends. We each had our own place but we were banded together. And sometimes that meant I made choices with others in mind instead of solely for myself.
Here, in this time and place that has not served me well. I have a long history of that backfiring on me because those I considered were not considering me. So I am from the extreme of living in community to living singularly. And for only one reason: to relearn boundaries. Mine have always been very porous... like a screen door on a submarine. Even when I am in a community that functions like a healthy community I need to have good solid boundaries because it is easy for people to take advantage without meaning to. So I am in extreme boundary mode. That is how it must be right now. This is the homework that I have been given by my counselor.
And it is the advice that I give all of you who have felt taken advantage of. Having been in that spot, knowing that it was my fault I got taken advantage of, I can tell you that we are our own problem in cases like that. There are a million reasons that we let people walk on us. Mostly it is the passive quality that comes with being an introvert. Introversion comes with being a geek. We come by it naturally and we have to work really hard at being good to ourselves. And that means boundaries. That means that we value ourselves enough to use the word "no" and the concept of "rejuvenation" on ourselves. That means no more porous boundaries.
And that means no more people who get mad at us for taking care of ourselves.
It means no more people who tell us what to do. Listening to them and doing what they say weakens our faith in ourselves and subjugates us to another's will. And we fall for it because they tell us "I only want what is best for you." If Steve Jobs told me that I would believe him. But he is not an authority on anyone but Steve Jobs so I would have to say "Thanks. But I will take the book and be inspired by your life without living it." And I think that would match his expectations.
It means that we decide for ourselves what is best because we are the only ones who know what we really need: Time. Space. Quiet. Companionship or Solitude. Advice or Hand Holding. Escape.
And we are the only ones who know how much time we need to ourselves. No one gets to tell us when we have had enough alone time. And no one gets to be mad about it. Anger in this situation is inappropriate.
This is where I feel alone. I do have people who are angry that I am taking time to myself. Those who have said "OK, whenever you want to talk/hang out/chat." are the ones that I will gravitate toward when I do need to step outside that boundary. They know that I will come back to them. The angry ones I do not know about.
People who get angry about that raise a red flag. I see agendas behind anger. They may not be there. But my mom was that way. In fact everyone that I know who has anger issues is angry because they feel thwarted. And so when I meet angry emotions I go on automatic defense. Being angry with me is how I let down the boundary. I hate it when people are mad at me. I am a Peacekeeper. Anger is not peaceful. So I bend my own rules to keep the peace and then I am stuck living someone else's wish for me.
The other kind of person that I am wary of is the one who calmly says they will respect the boundary and then calls me all the time with a contrived reason to hang out. I like feeling useful. And if you tell me there is a need that only I can fulfill its like throwing up a Bat Signal. I'm in the Bat Mobile and off to the rescue before the phone hangs up only to find there is no emergency when I arrive. "Well since you're here... wanna hang out?"
Angry people do not have faith that I will return to them. And you can not say that you understand my reasons if you are angry. Anger negates understanding. Manipulative people haven't the faith either. And in a way it is also a passive way to control someone else. Just feeling the anger roll off of someone makes me not want to have anything to do with them. Especially when they say "I'm not angry." But their tone and manner of speaking resembles a machine gun.
So, my friends, I thank you for being here and sharing what I feel like sharing. I thank you for caring enough to stop by each day. And I encourage you as always, to know yourself and care for that self. Each of you is special and precious to someone who loves you and the God that you chose to worship if you chose to worship one. But firstly, you must be precious to yourself. Only by being a whole and fulfilled individual can you participate in another persons life in a positive way. It is the only way to combat the darkness that swirls around our planet these days. Encouragement rather than accusation is the only way that we make the Light grow. And friends, how you say that matters more than what you say.
Go and be good to yourself. Be good to others.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The Internal Struggle
There is a lot going on right now despite work slowing to a crawl. I have many things to sort out, plans to make and goals to set. One such goal is NaNoWriMo. If it is true that I produce much better with short deadlines then being a week from the start should be good motivation. I hope that is the case. Currently, the Internal Struggle between the Should Do list & the Want to Do list is keeping me awake at night.
This could not be the worst time of the year for NaNo from where I sit. I have to work. As a single woman I have to support myself and not lose the place that I am living. So writing in near seclusion for a month seems like a fantasy. It's a good fantasy. And it is the kind of fantasy that has given us great fiction throughout history. Its just that the chance of producing money with this goal is so slim... I just heard thunder so the chance of being fried by an errant bolt is greater in this moment than producing a work of profitable fiction. Therein lies the struggle:
All of my dilemmas are now boiled down to the basest denominator and that is the question: Will it make money? With the follow up being, If it won't make money why do it? I have never been so regulated by money as I have been in the last few years. If there is no profit in it for me I do not want to do it. While I do know that there are other profits than dollars and scents, I am hard pressed to see them right now. To continue riding this train of thought will invariably lead to a wreck. So why am I doing it? Fear. I know, its an inky black shadow of something so small that no one should really be worried about it. And yet... it also seems sane to worry about losing your living quarters.
Damn it! I am a creative individual. We take risks. Why should I let these things get to me? Why should I believe that there is so slim a chance? Why take the side of fear? I know that is not all that I know. I know more than fear. I know success.
I started a business that made good money.
I submitted artwork for publication and was selected for 5 different print runs.
I know how to do this and half the work is done for me.
I struggle with the knowledge that I am equipped to do this alone if I have to and the desire to not do this alone. But I want my cheering section to let me do this on my terms. I've never really had that anywhere but with Michelle. Most of the cheers have come with strings attached. I am just not that kind of girl. On a side note, I think that I would work poorly with a patron no matter how badly I want one. Patrons can become "micro-managy" and I do not handle people who boss me around. Especially when I think I know better, I have a good internal compass. I'm good at following it. It's just that a wide open Ocean under wide open skies on a dark moonless night are more than a tad unnerving. And I feel like I am the only one on my tall ship and there are no stars to steer by.
Of course this could all be part of the panic that is Anxiety Disorder.
It could also mean that I am not getting enough me time to settle myself down and find that rational part of my poor little cave-woman brain. No offense to our prehistoric ancestors intended!!!!
This could not be the worst time of the year for NaNo from where I sit. I have to work. As a single woman I have to support myself and not lose the place that I am living. So writing in near seclusion for a month seems like a fantasy. It's a good fantasy. And it is the kind of fantasy that has given us great fiction throughout history. Its just that the chance of producing money with this goal is so slim... I just heard thunder so the chance of being fried by an errant bolt is greater in this moment than producing a work of profitable fiction. Therein lies the struggle:
All of my dilemmas are now boiled down to the basest denominator and that is the question: Will it make money? With the follow up being, If it won't make money why do it? I have never been so regulated by money as I have been in the last few years. If there is no profit in it for me I do not want to do it. While I do know that there are other profits than dollars and scents, I am hard pressed to see them right now. To continue riding this train of thought will invariably lead to a wreck. So why am I doing it? Fear. I know, its an inky black shadow of something so small that no one should really be worried about it. And yet... it also seems sane to worry about losing your living quarters.
Damn it! I am a creative individual. We take risks. Why should I let these things get to me? Why should I believe that there is so slim a chance? Why take the side of fear? I know that is not all that I know. I know more than fear. I know success.
I started a business that made good money.
I submitted artwork for publication and was selected for 5 different print runs.
I know how to do this and half the work is done for me.
I struggle with the knowledge that I am equipped to do this alone if I have to and the desire to not do this alone. But I want my cheering section to let me do this on my terms. I've never really had that anywhere but with Michelle. Most of the cheers have come with strings attached. I am just not that kind of girl. On a side note, I think that I would work poorly with a patron no matter how badly I want one. Patrons can become "micro-managy" and I do not handle people who boss me around. Especially when I think I know better, I have a good internal compass. I'm good at following it. It's just that a wide open Ocean under wide open skies on a dark moonless night are more than a tad unnerving. And I feel like I am the only one on my tall ship and there are no stars to steer by.
Of course this could all be part of the panic that is Anxiety Disorder.
It could also mean that I am not getting enough me time to settle myself down and find that rational part of my poor little cave-woman brain. No offense to our prehistoric ancestors intended!!!!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Euro-centric
One friend of mine, as I introduced her to Matthias Reim music raved about an Italian metal band called Lacuna Coil while another friend has introduced me to Finnish band Nightwish. As I listen to this music Iam struck by how similar each of them are stylistically. That is not to say they copy each other. There is a common artistic sensibility that I think comes from living, breathing and learning music in a region rich with the history of classical and operatic music.
You can hear its influence in Matze's music where it is used for dramatic effect to introduce a pop (schlager) song where these other two bands launch into the richness of the tradition and bring it front and center of metal styles. The screaming guitar riffs don't seem so disjointed in European music as it does in American. I think of Van Hallen. While it is impressive what Eddie can do with his guitar there is little else from the rest of the band that really makes it feel solid. Now I have very European tastes so maybe that is why I have never really liked our hair bands and industrial metal. It just seems like most American music stops just short of being finished.
Though when I think of bands like Creed, Beck, Blaq Audio and the like there is still a lot of meat on the bones with these guys. But in terms of the richness of track layering it still seems lighter. And for no really good reason, I think it is because as a collective of New World-ers, we tried so hard to leave our European roots behind us that we didn't keep the best parts, the parts worth saving. Really, when you think of it how many truly great classical composers have we produced compared with Europe? we can appreciate it. But we don't learn it. Maybe it is different when you are in a music school like Interlochen or Julliard. For the rest of us it gets glossed over.
I was watching something on the official YouTube Nightwish channel and the band member being interviewed was talking about 70 percussion tracks and that being only half enough to do the job. 70? Are there 70 different kinds of drums? No. But to get one drum to be able to do ALL of the cool things that it can do and ALL AT ONCE I can see where you'd have to have multiple tracks. And that is the thing... the orchestration is the key. It is the support for the whole house of cards.
Layers. Richness. It all amounts to a vitality that I think is lacking in American music today. Look for example to Sting. English, with a rich education in European music, comes to America and when you compare his compositions to his contemporaries there is a depth of tonality that is missing from say Hall and Oates or Springsteen. Today it seems more to be about the costumes and the personality than it is about the music. Maybe not in Lady Gaga's case since she is classically trained. But there is little soul and a lot of heel in the modern stuff. And very little of it deals with the condition of being human and having a soul whether Heaven bound or for Hell. Its about the party and the temporary. Great for living in the moment if that moment is in Neverland.
I guess I just have a Euro-centric soul. Let's hope that this all sinks in an comes out as I write for NaNo in a few days. I think all of this is the perfect soundtrack for my plot.
You can hear its influence in Matze's music where it is used for dramatic effect to introduce a pop (schlager) song where these other two bands launch into the richness of the tradition and bring it front and center of metal styles. The screaming guitar riffs don't seem so disjointed in European music as it does in American. I think of Van Hallen. While it is impressive what Eddie can do with his guitar there is little else from the rest of the band that really makes it feel solid. Now I have very European tastes so maybe that is why I have never really liked our hair bands and industrial metal. It just seems like most American music stops just short of being finished.
Though when I think of bands like Creed, Beck, Blaq Audio and the like there is still a lot of meat on the bones with these guys. But in terms of the richness of track layering it still seems lighter. And for no really good reason, I think it is because as a collective of New World-ers, we tried so hard to leave our European roots behind us that we didn't keep the best parts, the parts worth saving. Really, when you think of it how many truly great classical composers have we produced compared with Europe? we can appreciate it. But we don't learn it. Maybe it is different when you are in a music school like Interlochen or Julliard. For the rest of us it gets glossed over.
I was watching something on the official YouTube Nightwish channel and the band member being interviewed was talking about 70 percussion tracks and that being only half enough to do the job. 70? Are there 70 different kinds of drums? No. But to get one drum to be able to do ALL of the cool things that it can do and ALL AT ONCE I can see where you'd have to have multiple tracks. And that is the thing... the orchestration is the key. It is the support for the whole house of cards.
Layers. Richness. It all amounts to a vitality that I think is lacking in American music today. Look for example to Sting. English, with a rich education in European music, comes to America and when you compare his compositions to his contemporaries there is a depth of tonality that is missing from say Hall and Oates or Springsteen. Today it seems more to be about the costumes and the personality than it is about the music. Maybe not in Lady Gaga's case since she is classically trained. But there is little soul and a lot of heel in the modern stuff. And very little of it deals with the condition of being human and having a soul whether Heaven bound or for Hell. Its about the party and the temporary. Great for living in the moment if that moment is in Neverland.
I guess I just have a Euro-centric soul. Let's hope that this all sinks in an comes out as I write for NaNo in a few days. I think all of this is the perfect soundtrack for my plot.
Horror Movies... tis the Season
Turner Classics has had some great movies for the Halloween season. Syfy too. But I prefer these to the Gore-fests they've been hosting. Tonight I am watching this movie from 1942 called Cry of the Werewolf. It turns out that the tradition of being an IDIOT and opening the partially open door in the spooky room after something makes a weird sound on the other side of the door started way back then.
In this movie it is the innocent and rather foolish looking (duh) gangly Icabod Crane-type guy who goes looking for trouble and finds it. These days its the blond the bites it first. You can excuse the guy in this movie because he is new to the genre. But the kids in the new movies really should know better. Its like they have never seen a horror flick.
Of course I have seen tons and I would still open a door when my gut screamed don't. Why? Invariably it will be the only way out. And with my luck it won't be a Vampire or Werewolf; it won't be Freddy or Jason either. Nope. It'll be the student loan company.
And the crazy thing about all these scary movie is that they all have gypsies in them. The more I see the vardos, the more I want one. As a matter of fact... hmm... brother has property and a vardo only costs a few thousand dollars to build... naw. That WOULD be crazy.
In this movie it is the innocent and rather foolish looking (duh) gangly Icabod Crane-type guy who goes looking for trouble and finds it. These days its the blond the bites it first. You can excuse the guy in this movie because he is new to the genre. But the kids in the new movies really should know better. Its like they have never seen a horror flick.
Of course I have seen tons and I would still open a door when my gut screamed don't. Why? Invariably it will be the only way out. And with my luck it won't be a Vampire or Werewolf; it won't be Freddy or Jason either. Nope. It'll be the student loan company.
And the crazy thing about all these scary movie is that they all have gypsies in them. The more I see the vardos, the more I want one. As a matter of fact... hmm... brother has property and a vardo only costs a few thousand dollars to build... naw. That WOULD be crazy.
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