6 degrees of Geekdom

Back in the Zaby

2012-01-27T11:43:00.000-05:00

Slowly but surely, I am rebuilding my life after nearly tearing it down completely to please those around me who don't get me. This is so destructive!!! And it is so much easier to eliminate those people. Well, wait. It is not easy. I kept them around so long because I feel guilty when I get either the sad pouty face or the angry defiant face that goes with

"you don't love me any more?"

that i will back track and redouble my efforts to give beyond what is healthy and sane. I've given time beyond wisdom, money beyond measure, and the free handed forgiveness that is encouraged in the Beatitudes. But I have given without discernment. And that has spiralled into something so out of control that only a screeching halt against a brick wall was going to fix it.

The repairs are slow. And the consequences many. And one of the things that I allow myself to enjoy the process is a fabulous virtual reality that makes the stark and disjointed reality of my hotel room lifestyle less depressing. But it has been weeks since I have been to the Wintergarten. Could not bring myself to go with the tumult in my heart over a relationship. It is a world we share. It is a world that he gave to me. And I have hated to be there without him.

But the Wintergarten, of which I posted earlier, is a bright an cheery place. And now that we have been given more tools to work with it is even more so. I went back to work on a piece for his home. And spent some time in mine. The colors and the light! It is drenched with cheery goodness. And I wonder if maybe it was too Pollyanna-is while I was sad. But in either case, I missed the place. I think of it often. And of the friends that I made there.

Ah the friends...
it is so easy for me to make them. But so very hard to keep them. Part of it is to do with trust. But part of it is the very Aquarian tendency to be a collector. Everyone in our lives wants to feel that they are the most special. And when you see that you are not the only fish in a persons pond it is hard to feel important. Or significant. It is a curse we Aquarians bear. And I hear the frustration all the time in questions like "Do you know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance?"

No. We do not. Those born under this sign are the people God put here to love the unlovable and the undiscovered gems as well as those who get love everywhere. We are cosmic batteries of a sort. Sometimes people just need to be around us because it feels good to be where we are in spirit. And those who are deprived of such things seek us out. They want to possess us. And then the light dims and we are useless. It is only good to be around us because we have a wide net to catch experience and laughter. When we do not do that which makes us feel alive we fail to return the feeling to the world.

So I am back in my zaby again. Soaking up light. Color. Joy. Peace. and hopefully sending that back into the world. And i am resolved this year, as my birthday present to myself, to a. allow only those who get me into my inner circle, b. allow only open exchanges in which we are free to come and go as the people that we are, c. I will only permit supportive people to be with me. We don't have to see eye to eye. But we have to walk with each other when it is called for. We have to quietly exist together when it is called for. And we have to be able to be ourselves and no one else.

Ridiculously Happy

2012-01-17T16:40:00.001-05:00

This makes me ridiculously happy. Normally not a pink kinda girl. There is just something so happy about the colors and the motif that just screams "Sunny Day!" and chases the blues away. I can almost feel the sweet cold juice in my mouth and the pleasantly grainy texture on my tongue. It is refreshing. Nourishing. And in many ways that kind of refreshment is invigorating. I think that is why pears are among my favorite foods.

And that is why art is so important... because the way things are represented artistically has the power to enliven and invigorate the soul the same way the actual object does the body.

And thanks to Martha for permission to reprint. I am hoping to find the right encouragement to add text to this for a mood boost at work. We need something that is nicer than "drama free" work zone.

Sad

2012-01-16T23:25:00.002-05:00

"Smile though your heart is breaking"

I do not know who wrote that song. But I think I would like to punch that person. I don't know how long I can keep smiling.

You Know When You Know

2012-01-01T08:50:00.001-05:00

Bad me. I was supposed to warn you if this was about you. And it is obviously. But it is also here because I know you are not the only person on the horns of this dilema as evidenced by conversations I am seeing all over the net. Maybe the holidays. May be the crazy is just coming out of people. Or maybe, like the new agers say, 2012 is the beginning of the new era of personal truth where people just can not live without recognizing subconscious desires and choices. Nor will people be able to live torn between two of anything. the whole post is interchangeable. person. place. thing... what you reach for first, what makes your heart leap... these are the first signs to follow on your road to self actualization. And that goes for everybody. And that is why it is on my blog.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want a thing to last... no matter how generous the second chance or even the third there comes a time when you know that you can not go any further with a person. It little matters in this case why the end is nigh. I'm not writing about blame. I am writing about about awareness.

When you are sitting with someone and the phone rings and you run to answer it and then disappear you should probably be aware that you've chosen who you want to be with. And it is not the person that is sitting on the couch. It is the person you are on the phone with.
When you answer the phone "What?", knowing that your "girlfriend" is on the phone but you answer "Hi" with a lilt in you voice when "just someone" calls on the phone you should probably be aware that you've chosen "just someone".
when you write one or two sentances to your girlfriend in an e-mail and "just someone" gets paragraphs... again, you know.

The reasons that we hold on to some thing or someone beyond its expiration date are many and varied. Usually we just want to be sure that we gave it enough time. But let's face it. When the intense emotional desire to be with someone is not there it is over.

Growing up is Hard to do

2011-12-30T02:56:00.000-05:00

My heart hurts and it has nothing to do with the mechanics of the thing. My heart hurts because I've done something stupid in not understanding myself which lead me then to fail to recognize a good thing when I had it.

There is nothing worse than being alone for the new year after you have been in a relationship. The sun keeps shining and the world keeps spinning but what I want to do it throw a giant stick in the spokes and make everything stop...
yeah that is self pity. Tell me something I don;t know.

Hiatus

2011-12-27T03:33:00.000-05:00

I am going to have to stop writing here for a while. Not that I have been overly prolific. But the well is a bit dry on the geeky topics and there is little weird and amazing running through my head right now. There is art. But I have an art blog for that. No. I will not be posting for a while because there is a big ugly thing in my life that needs attention.

I've been working some baby steps on the issue. But the need to speed things up has presented itself. So I am off to figure out some key questions. I was diagnosed with PTSD about 4 sessions ago. Unfortuneately it was the last session with my first therapist. And the new one and I have been laying more foundation work... you know, going over what is in the file, reviewing goals, looking at new issues and seeing where we need to focus next.

PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is what used to be known as shell shock. Usually combat trauma related, in non combat situations things like car accidents, rape, natural disasters and being the survivor after a collective trauma like 9/11 typically are the seat of PTSD. I say typically because the other cause is so often mistaken for something else.

The other cause of PTSD is accumulative stress over repeated incidents of trauma. The cause is different but the effect is the same. In time there is a debilitating loss of functionality across one or two or all areas of life. Because mine is not linked to one intense trauma it was hard to diagnose. And now that we have a diagnosis we are proceeding with seperating my dysfunctions that ocurr because of inexperience from the dysfunctions that are rooted in trauma.

I would love to talk about it here. But this is really not the venue. I will say that the cause of mine was emotional rape beginning in infancy and carried forward. And I will also say, because it is all that I can say, that as a result of not knowing how to answer a simple question as a child results in not knowing how to answer a simple question as an adult. If you ask me what color the sky is I will tell you it is blue. I see that it is blue. And I know that you will all know that it is blue. But I grew up with people, one in particular, who would punish me for saying it was blue. And then would punish me if I agreed that it was green. And god help me at sawn or twighlight because I will never get that answer right. In short, I grew up never knowing where I stood.

I never knew what the right thing was to do because there was so little consistency. And my life was designed that way. I may have latched onto my grandparents and religion as a result. In Catholicism the rules are in front of your face and they do not change. Not when you are a child anyway. And there were only 10 of them and there were no exceptions. Life was a steady game of Clavin ball which is only a game when Calvin and Hobbes play it.

Another result is that to some levels I am very open and in many cases too open and too free with my affections and too inclusive. But of that is the Aquarius. But a large part of that is because it looks like I am approachable while allowing me to maintain my secrecy. I tell you guys a lot of things. I say a lot more on facebook. And everyone thinks that they are getting the good down deep things because no one else shares to that degree. And I do not get pestered. That illusion allows me a buffer to protect the core of who I am.

One person wants that core. I would love to share down there because when I am in my core, even though I am totally comfortable there, there is a loneliness that solitude and security can not compensate for. But he can not go there.

That core is all that is left of me. That core is my hopes. Dreams. Aspirations. Fantasies. It is where I am most authentic. Honestly I do not care if my thoughts are right or wrong from the perspective of the degree in difficulty in cleaning up my messes when I screw up. I do not care about messy emotions because messes can be cleaned up. What I care about is that my wrong choice is MINE. My right choice is MINE. My thought process, even if it is neurotic and backwards are just a subtle phase shift out of whack with this Universe, is MINE. Notice the word MINE, beginning and end equals ME. To touch me in my core is to invade a territory guns ablazing...

It sets the Klaxxons screaming. You might not be a Klingon with a full array of armaments ready for bear. But the autodefenses do not know that. And I, being the one who set them does not know that.

I have been accused of being a people pleaser. I am not so in the traditional sense. Yes. I want to tell people what they want to hear. In part because happy people are good people to be around. But when we start getting into the deep waters I will tell people what they want to hear because it Protects ME. I will tell you the sky is purple if it makes you happy to think so. It is not a falsehood that will crash economies or rupture Space time. But if I have to tell you the sky is purple when it is a blazing blue and you expect me to believe and live as though it is purple... well I have issues with that.

Its like when people say "I am not like that." You can say that. But I do not have to believe it. If you want me to believe it then you have to do things differently than others who have wormed their way to the core only to rape me yet again.

And here is where the writing hiatus comes in. I have a vey big decision to make. I can not make it without knowing, given the PTSD if I have healthy defenses, if his desire to go that deep is healthy (and so far I am told that even in a martital relationship each person has to be individuated so that they do not suffocate one another), if I will ever be able to allow someone as deep as he wants to go & how to identify someone safe to let into that inner sanctum. And if it turns out that there is no way to live with others what the healthy way of living a lone is.

I have not wanted to say that to him because I was afraid of the warning signs that would go off in his head while I am trying to figure this out. But now the push is on because I have done something stupid in the attempt to get answers faster.

It is all part of boundaries. Respect for treading lightly. But he is intense. Even his aunt says so. And for a long time I felt like I was being dragged behind a horse through the desert and expected to keep up without water and rest. He is so far ahead of me in so many ways. When you are not strong there is only so far you can go. And when you are damaged you have to mend it to go forward. I think that mending period is being viewed as stagnation. There is a lot changing on the inside but it will take a while to see the effects. Both of my counselors keep asking me why I want to rush the process. All I have said is that I am 41 and feel that I should be in a better place in my life. Being homeless this time last winter supprts that statement well. But I've been trying to rush because this relationship has been slipping. It has great potential, as he says. And when its good its great.

I've thought a lot of things. And I've tested those thoughts. And some of the tests caused bigger problems. Some of the tests brought out solutions. I am no where close to answers that will help though. I know what my gut is telling me. But I don't know if that is anger or rationality. I know what my heart is telling me but I don't know if my heart can always be trusted.

All I know is that I have to set some things aside to work on this issue.

Reposted Comments

2011-12-21T09:41:00.000-05:00

36th Rule of Acquisition: War is good for business. Peace is good for business.

When the war profits start to flatline then there is invariably a period of peace that increases profits. In this period there is rebuilding of infrastructure, alliances, material goods that replace those lost on personal levels and the economies that allow the survivors to repopulate. The peace period is the time to build so that it can be knocked down again.

I think back to those days when I would build a tower with blocks and my little brother wouldl revel in destroying it. He is the ultimate consumer conqueror. And I, ever hopeful, would rebuild in part for the joy of building, reveling in the act of creation. But after one incident in which he beat the snot out of me for not rebuilding fast enough I learned something crucial: I learned to build what could not be destroyed.

My spirit. Detached from the things used to control us, it is less likely that we will be abused by our own gifts.

I think.

I posted this as a comment over at Archive Fire in response to his post about the Racketeering of war. I had this discussion with my brother once over the Summer in which he told me that I was full of crap to believe that War was a motivating factor in economics and that War just happens. He also insisted that there would never be peace because the reason for war was strength and justice over an enemy like Al Queda. He does not see global conflict as the controller between the haves and the have nots. He sees it as the defense of rights and beliefs. Which I guess is true. But it is the belief that the elite has that is being defended, our bodies being used as both the bullets and the sheilds.

Of course I did not mention that the 36th Rule is a Ferengi axiom. Or that the Ferengi come straight out of Star Trek. And since he has never been one to understand similie and metaphor or even that all fiction is based on truth I do not even try to enlighten him anymore. He is a black and white thinker. What he has is his. What I have is his when he can figure out how to get it.

Since berating has not worked he now offers the olive branch of peace. Or the Lucy van Pelt football.

But I am not Charlie Brown.

R. I. P Dr. Watson

2011-12-16T03:40:00.000-05:00

I just found out today that Edward Hardwick died in May. Edward Hardwick is the best Watson ever. Was the best Watson ever. I do not know how I would ever decide what my favorite moment in the series would be. He was always wonderful. David Burke was Watson to Brett's Holmes first. He was a jovial Watson but smart as a tack unlike earlier versions. I found Hardwick to be most authentic to the role. Kind, astute, quick to err on the side of human goodness and the best friend that Holmes could ever have asked for. He cared for Holmes in his illnesses, self induced & otherwise, and tended his soul's passage in this life with reproachful tenderness. His disappointment in Holmes' habits came through but did not prevent his continued friendship.

Hardwick's Watson was not mirthless by any means. I think of all characters in literature brought to cinema that his was the most realistically human of all of them. I can think of no one more genuine.

It will be hard to watch the shows knowing both Jeremy Brett and Edward Hardwick are gone.

Fantasy

2011-12-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

Mid 40s near the 45th parallel and a brilliant sun have convinced my body it is Spring again. I know it is not. It is a scant three weeks until Christmas. The 6 inches of snow we got has been gone for weeks. There is more to come. That brilliant sun has a cold eye, a bluish white acetylene light. It does not warm merely illuminates. The trees are bare. Everything seems to be holding its breath waiting. Winter is coming. And when it comes it will roar through our region like a demon loosed from Hell. I know this. But it still feels like Spring.

My mind is concieving great watercolors and applications for a fantasy landscape that can not quickly come to fruition. Turrets and vardos, capitals and vaults... these are the sugar plum visions dancing in my head. To bring it all together... that will be the tricky part. Snowglobes and Gingerbread Houses for the season.... so many ways to build in the world in which I play. And just like everything else.... not enough hours to do so.

I think what I am building is the set of a story I wrote and only vaguely remember from when I was 12. I wrote it in red ink. It took me days to write the few dozen pages. And the Fisher Price castle provided the central location. But the story went beyond the walls of the toy set. I had to imagine the countryside on which it sat. And then, like in this game world, go beyond what is apparent. I can not wait to see how this all works together.

Talk about a Mixed Bag

2011-12-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

Sooooo where did we leave off on the whole relationship issue? I forget. There are too many lables here to write stories for. I wish that were a joke. Any way so I have made friends in my online game. It's a social site with gaming ability so I am still calling it a game. But the people are real. Meaning not like the barbarian that runs out of food because I can't get out of a maze. Real people. Real feelings. Real emotions behind their avatars actions. I know I dismissed the thing casually as playing Barbies. But that was before I found people there who are genuine geeks looking for their tribe. The odds on that are kinda slim though. Out of the 48 friends I have there, I only talk to two of them on a regular basis. Of those two, one I know in real life besides.

And almost everyone i talk to is European & a fan of or has at least heard of Matthias Reim. So that is the ice-breaking conversation. And today that European friend told me he loved me. I do not know how I feel about that. Nothing more than online communication can happen because I will most likely never be in his country. And he will most likely never be in mine. So what is the point in being in love with someone you will never meet?
What are we doing? He has friends and a family there. I have friends & family here. What is missing that we find in each other so much more easily online than in life? I know I am more my authentic self. I am afraid to say nothing because the consequences of doing so are non-existant. If they don't like what I say, do or build then they can unfriend me. it isn't like I have to cut them out of holiday photos or will burn all the letters in a beach bonfire. There are not associated memories of events to complicate the dissolution of a friendship there. So I can be whomever I really am.

That must be the larger appeal to online gaming such as this. And it is usually what I assume the safety net would be. No complications. And how do I feel about him?

I enjoy spending time with him to be certain. In my real life I am conflicted with the men in my life. Those I want for friends, for lovers, to avoid forever and to explore possibilities with have such complicated lives themselves that right now it is safer to have only my online friend. I do not think my feelings go as deep as his. But I would rather spend time with him than a half dozen of anyone else. Though I would still prefer to spend about 40 hours a week decorating.

What is missing in real life that this assuages?
Das ist die Hoelle!

So this is Christmas?

2011-11-28T10:59:00.000-05:00

The tree is up at work. Dave worked on the thing for two days. The first day did not go smoothly at all as many lights lost their twinkle. As it is a pre lit tree there is little recourse but to try to re-seat each bulb that is dim. Or use the special tool they make for such occaissions... just saying. At any rate... he and Richard got the thing done the second day. A few staffers put together the spikey glitter flakes straight out of a 1950's graphic wallpaper... which actually look pretty amazing once they get in the tree. I imagine that Deb and Sarah are flinging more ornaments into the boughs today while I am off. And in other parts of the city: my friend has his tree up and sounds none too happy about it after we'd made a trip into town for more lights. And from what I saw it looks fabulous against the crisp new paint on the walls, so I am sure he is just being uber critical of himself. The crane was out last weekend to put the enormous tree up downtown and the crews are stringing white lights through the partially clothed deciduous trees lining the streets today. Other hotels have their maintenance men slaving away with the festooning. And me? Well... I'm staring at Matthias Reim's new album cover.

No not that one. The red one.... with all the CHRISTMAS SONGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah. Two albums in one year. And me with a frakked speaker system. yes. frakked. and I did it to myself by misunderstanding the application of a few mouse clicks. I have somehow rendered the computer mute... just in time to enjoy a new Album von Matthias Reim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are flakes in the air and it smells clean and crisp outside. I'm craving grampa's holiday yeast cake and missing everyone terribly. I am also craving a peacock themed tree and the answer to a question burning in me: how did my Jewish grandma cope with the Christian holiday?

I am working on my online designing and planning to deck some halls with a liberal hand. And contemplating what to do for Christmas cards this year. I am thinking simple glittering watercolors. But how simple? And what size? And how many can i do before I get bored?

So I ask myself, this is Christmas? I do not feel it. Maybe it is the very un-Michigan-like lack of snow for this time of year. Which I am thankful for; it is not a complaint but an observation. Or maybe it is the lack of certainty in myself. Though that is precisely what traditions are for, an outward expression of the certainty of cycles and the hope of many more cycles to come. Traditions are made for man so that man can mark time with something slightly more substantial than a faint promise that things will be different later. Though oddly... assuring ourselves that there will always be the tradition/season. That life goes on.

And I guess that is where I am at with the holidays this year. I am in need of the assurance that the setbacks of the past two years are only of the past two years and that there will come a time when I again am hosting a celebration rather than being the guest. I am not comfortable in this role. I was brought up to host. In the church, at school, at home... groomed to be a little Martha Stewart before we ever knew who the heck she was. I've had seasons to host. And now it is time to be the guest. But I'd rather host. So for now there is work and friends and Matze.

And the faith that this is only a season that too shall pass onto a lighter season of frutifulness.

Happiness is...

2011-11-19T11:31:00.000-05:00

German radio. Specifically I am referring to SWR4 out of Baden-Wurteemburg. In the middle of doing some serious online christmas shopping, they played an older Matthias Reim song. The slowly building intro for "Verdammt ich lieb dich" started and I stopped every thing. It was as though the clouds parted and the angels descended. I can not even begin to tell you how that made my tummy and heart happy deep down inside.

Then this morning I heard "That's Amore" by Dean Martin. I haven't heard Dean Martin on the radio since Johnny Williams' program went off the air... 1979 maybe? Just as i was thinking that the best thing would be more Matthias Reim to follow that I recognised the song "Horizont". But it was not Matthias Rem singing it. Sadness. But still... how cool to get such a blend of music.

I can not understand though the Europeans keeping Dean Martin and Trini Lopez on the air. We do not. Not unless you get an oldies station that actually playes something earlier than 1970 that is not the Beattles or the Beach Boys. Or Elvis. But I guess everyone is going to always play Elvis. I am glad the Europeans keep our older stars' memories alive.

I think all this really tells me is that I need to be in Germany soon for some period of time. I seem to be meeting and gravitating to Germans, Hungarians and other Central European people on line. Of course music is the uniting factor and music is a universal language. [smiles] Yet... I seem to think like them.

Boss

2011-11-15T21:52:00.001-05:00

Catching up on 4 episodes of Boss. I see the same ubergeek information junkie in this guy Tom Kane as what was in Frasier. But this guy is mean and well... bossy. The "seamy underbelly" of politics is so much more real than a news article makes it seem. And more real than those old gangster movies of the 40s and 50s. It's funny really, as a big Art Bell fan and thus Alex Jones, hearing all the conspiracy theories back in the day only made me kinda numb to the whole dialog. I mean really... can ALL politicians be scumbags? After watching 4 episodes of my beloved Kelsey Grammar being that guy that Marty Crane would have shot on site, I have to say I do believe they are. And I do believe that they need better supervision than what we can currently give them.

This show really tackles everything. It will be interesting to see how the whole asian carp fiasco plays in this. And Kelsey Grammar is a great bad guy. But there are circumstances that pull sympathy for the character when you do not want to feel anything but loathing and contempt for the guy. An actor that can do that is a national treasure.

So when is National Kelsey Grammar Appreciation Day?

Spirits in a Material World

2011-11-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

with apologies to Sting, I do not think that he meant it the way I do.

I had a doctor appointment today. I've trucked through 6 years of profound grief-fueled depression without meds. After realizing that I can no more fight depression successfully by toughing it out any more than a broken arm can set and heal itself... I capitulated. So I got the appointment over with, went to the coffee shop & met a new barista. I haven't been there in forever... almost 2 whole months. Heather remembered me and we got caught up.

She and Laura (new barista) recommended walking for what ails you. We discussed all the things that quit working. And when we got to walking, which I used to do, I said something to the effect that I have walked everywhere in this town & an quit when I realized that the ghosts walking with me were making it worse. My depression, as I said, is directly related to grief. The loss of people I love and the powerful expression of missing someone in the moment is overwhelming. The effect of grief is cumulative. With each instance you live the loss at present and then all the other losses that went before. So when my dad died I experienced the loss of his personage + gramma Olive + Grampa + Aunt Anne + Nienke + Lisa + Joe + Kirk + Jim + college friends collectively called "the Group" + Marquette friends + my small group + Mary + Lee + my sister + Val + Paulette+ _______________

Some of the loss is my fault, a direct result of having taken an action or holding an opinion or making a promise. Some of the loss is because life carries our friends out of close proximity and sometimes life just gives way to death & an other journey. The losses that are my fault are the hardest to bear: especially because it feels like being punished for being me. In one case because I am willing to explore other opinions. In another because I refused to blow a friend's cover when she refused to speak to someone she felt was using her. In another case I was tired of taking the rap for things that she did and thought that maybe for once she should take the blame for her own actions. In others I simply would not surrender my life to live in accordance with someone else's design. I do not think that I could take any of those choices back even if I were given a chance. Because then I would cease to exist. And I have already experienced that once. I do not care to repeat it.

And I guess it is that loss that all the others echo. And that is where are the ghosts gained their life. And everywhere I have been in this town, there are footprints that time has not erased. I walk in the old neighborhood and miss the friends that waited for me to finish chores so we could spend a carefree afternoon with match box cars and Star Wars figures. And I miss the person I was as an adult with a daycare. And then I miss the daycare kids, and their parents and I keep thinking that the loss would never have happened if I had been smarter about the people in my life who I did call friends. But mostly I miss the me that was. My whole life and person was expressed in that lifetime. I was confident, knowledgeable, passionate about my chosen field and had the respect of the daycare parents and peers. Probably a little jealousy too. But that wasn't what mattered then. It was being and doing something in which all of who I was participated. I defined my job and my job defined me... we were inseparable.

Since I have been out of that I have felt fractured an incomplete. Nothing has been as fulfilling or rewarding as that. Not even, dare I say it, art. So I do not walk in the old neighborhood. I do not even drive passed it any more. When I have and I see the old house I feel all the loss all over again. So then I would walk the bay front.

The bay front is where I walked with Lee and other friends to release the cares of the day. And that then built friendships. I walk by west end beach and I see the two of us in the last conversation we had in which I told him we could not date. We would not date and that no matter what my sister said, my feelings were of kinship not relationship. When I pass the volleyball courts I see the ghosts of myself and my friends in the hot sand playing a game for fun to pass the time and build our friendships. Some of us played others cheered. It is almost like Scrooge watching his life with the ghost of Christmas Past. And seeing the joy and the freedom to be ourselves with the acceptance and tolerances we had for each other's differences... it makes the ache to find that version of me more pronounced.

So I walk the Civic Center. And there are the ghosts of us playing softball. Paul insisting they all move forward after I told him how badly I played in Mr. Bauer's class. I hit the ball out of the park to much cheering. And I never felt like I couldn't play again. And I miss the girls from groups I used to walk with there when the boys were not around. It seems there are ghosts everywhere in this town. I have lived here all my life except for the two years that I lived in Marquette. And everywhere I go there is my dad or my grampa & gramma. Someone is here with me. Some memory that brings up the grief is here.

I hope so.The new me is overwhelmed with the things on her plate that old me would have made short work of. Old me used to have answers for everyone else. She needs to have answers for herself.

Have You Ever Wondered...

2011-11-05T16:40:00.000-04:00

Yes I am supposed to be writing. I got the hardest part of it over with... the first 1000 words, destroying the blank page and tackling the emotion that inspired the fictionalized account i am telling. yes... it is still a novel. That said.. Oh and I owe you guys an update from the Teaser... i can not continue with writing those things without saying goodbye to someone.

For the majority of my 42 years, every week began with an hour of 60 Minutes. Much like a day without Paul Harvey felt incomplete, a week without Andy Rooney's segment seemed less than it could have been. He started many of his video essays with "Have you ever noticed...?" or "Have you ever wondered...?" Most of the time I did not notice. Until I was 13 or 14 most of what he said was beyond my grasp simply because you have to have some experience with a thing to really be able to observe it. Until that time, what was most important to me was the question.

Have you ever noticed something about something? It was a commanding question. Andy Rooney told me to pay attention. He was not talking about the things that my teachers were. He was not telling me to pay attention to parents, siblings, homework and chores. He was telling me to pay attention to the world around me. Andy Rooney's question pointed out the need to observe, which dovetailed with the lessons that my grampa taught me about digging beyond the obvious.

Have you ever wondered this or that about something else? I was always in trouble for wondering. Wonder leads to asking questions. And if you are precocious enough you end up asking questions that make adults uncomfortable. So while most adults were telling me to be quiet and quit asking so many damned questions Andy Rooney was telling me it was okay to wonder.

So I kept wondering and questioning. And as I got older and understood more of his commentary, I felt more comfortable with the bigger picture of the world that I live in. Rooney's essays allowed me to have insightful conversations with the adults who found it charming that someone my age cared about something besides boys and barbies. In someways, Andy Rooney is also the foundation of my Geekdom.

Today, as we were talking about Rooney and his catch phrases, I realized just how much he is a part of my life. Not just the nostalgic parts of my youth. But that the act of wondering is still so much a part of who I am. I am sad that I will never hear that from his own voice without the assistance of YouTube. And it made me miss Peter Falk all over again.

I am getting to the age where there are few people that I idolized in my youth who are still around or likely will be for a long time. Every year there are new anchors and talk show moderators. But I can't feel connected to the Sanjay Guptas and Anderson Coopers because they were not around in my formative years. They were not a part of my household. Andy Rooney was as much family to me as any distant cousin that my dad called on for advice. Dad did not have many sources that he trusted to tell him what was the truth with the world. But he trusted 60 Minutes. And he trusted Andy Rooney to keep the marketing rake hells from manipulating him with all kinds of false hope in every color imaginable.

Cronkite and Rooney gone. Can Harvey be far behind? And there with local personality Johnny Williams, will be a graveyard of touchstones that will leave me more connected to my past than my present and future. Who in my aging process will there be left to trust? Who will wonder with me about the senseless and sensible? Who will keep me accountable to noticing things that humans take for granted? Who will remind me not to be a lemming and believe everything that someone says just because the message is presented in a pretty package?

A Teaser

2011-10-28T13:27:00.000-04:00

I will soon regale you with a cautionary tale of a geek venturing into unfamiliar territory and the perils awaiting just one small misstep! Keeping in mind how strongly I associate with the Wyrd and Abnormal in search of Signs, Wonders & Portents, you know what happened could only have happened to me.

A Quick Thank You

2011-10-27T12:03:00.000-04:00

Hello Readers!
First I want to thank you guys for coming here. Most of you know that I started blogging to get into the habit of writing on a regular basis, an act of creative discipline. I used to write notebooks full of essays on my Summer vacations, during my down time during the school year and whenever there were not art supplies available. I wrote to gain peace of mind. I wrote out my anger. I wrote out the chronicle of my life so that I could see how I am growing. So why move to a public format?
One for accountability so that I would keep writing. And writing interesting things that would bring people back time and again. And two because it is easier to cart around a laptop than hundreds of notebooks; in the end it is cheaper too. :)
I did not expect to have regular readers. My friend Shayne worked his way up to 1000s of readers a day which sparked my competitive nature. And once I had one reader sign up I wanted more. Not to fuel my ego. But to feel less alone. Our good friend Uncle Wil has millions (one) of readers and we connected in a kind of community. I wanted to extend that community.
So here we are. A little band of people gathered together for a variety of reasons, learning, sharing, growing together and hopefully entertaining ourselves in the process. I know I said yesterday that I was feeling like I have to do things alone. Please do not think that means I do not know you guys exist. I do. And I am so thankful that each of you are here with me. I know that our energies connect even though none of us may meet in the real world. And for those that I have met in the real world, I am equally thankful because that means a physical hug and a voice at the end of the phone. So let me explain what alone means.

Alone, in this context means that I can gather all the advice I need or want but a choice that must be made is mine alone. In school we had lab partners. We were all responsible for our grades. When I did daycare there was a core set of House Rules. But as each child entered the house I worked with the parents to amend those rules to make the daycare feel more like home and less like school. It was collaborative. And it was necessary. The less disparity in rules from one place to another made it easier for the kid to follow the rules. Kids are adaptable. But when they occupy many environments per day their little brains gets their mental lists mixed up and made mistakes. We eliminated as much of that as possible. And peace was easier to obtain. When I was Up North I live communally with my friends. We each had our own place but we were banded together. And sometimes that meant I made choices with others in mind instead of solely for myself.

Here, in this time and place that has not served me well. I have a long history of that backfiring on me because those I considered were not considering me. So I am from the extreme of living in community to living singularly. And for only one reason: to relearn boundaries. Mine have always been very porous... like a screen door on a submarine. Even when I am in a community that functions like a healthy community I need to have good solid boundaries because it is easy for people to take advantage without meaning to. So I am in extreme boundary mode. That is how it must be right now. This is the homework that I have been given by my counselor.

And it is the advice that I give all of you who have felt taken advantage of. Having been in that spot, knowing that it was my fault I got taken advantage of, I can tell you that we are our own problem in cases like that. There are a million reasons that we let people walk on us. Mostly it is the passive quality that comes with being an introvert. Introversion comes with being a geek. We come by it naturally and we have to work really hard at being good to ourselves. And that means boundaries. That means that we value ourselves enough to use the word "no" and the concept of "rejuvenation" on ourselves. That means no more porous boundaries.

And that means no more people who get mad at us for taking care of ourselves.

It means no more people who tell us what to do. Listening to them and doing what they say weakens our faith in ourselves and subjugates us to another's will. And we fall for it because they tell us "I only want what is best for you." If Steve Jobs told me that I would believe him. But he is not an authority on anyone but Steve Jobs so I would have to say "Thanks. But I will take the book and be inspired by your life without living it." And I think that would match his expectations.

It means that we decide for ourselves what is best because we are the only ones who know what we really need: Time. Space. Quiet. Companionship or Solitude. Advice or Hand Holding. Escape.

And we are the only ones who know how much time we need to ourselves. No one gets to tell us when we have had enough alone time. And no one gets to be mad about it. Anger in this situation is inappropriate.

This is where I feel alone. I do have people who are angry that I am taking time to myself. Those who have said "OK, whenever you want to talk/hang out/chat." are the ones that I will gravitate toward when I do need to step outside that boundary. They know that I will come back to them. The angry ones I do not know about.

People who get angry about that raise a red flag. I see agendas behind anger. They may not be there. But my mom was that way. In fact everyone that I know who has anger issues is angry because they feel thwarted. And so when I meet angry emotions I go on automatic defense. Being angry with me is how I let down the boundary. I hate it when people are mad at me. I am a Peacekeeper. Anger is not peaceful. So I bend my own rules to keep the peace and then I am stuck living someone else's wish for me.

The other kind of person that I am wary of is the one who calmly says they will respect the boundary and then calls me all the time with a contrived reason to hang out. I like feeling useful. And if you tell me there is a need that only I can fulfill its like throwing up a Bat Signal. I'm in the Bat Mobile and off to the rescue before the phone hangs up only to find there is no emergency when I arrive. "Well since you're here... wanna hang out?"

Angry people do not have faith that I will return to them. And you can not say that you understand my reasons if you are angry. Anger negates understanding. Manipulative people haven't the faith either. And in a way it is also a passive way to control someone else. Just feeling the anger roll off of someone makes me not want to have anything to do with them. Especially when they say "I'm not angry." But their tone and manner of speaking resembles a machine gun.

So, my friends, I thank you for being here and sharing what I feel like sharing. I thank you for caring enough to stop by each day. And I encourage you as always, to know yourself and care for that self. Each of you is special and precious to someone who loves you and the God that you chose to worship if you chose to worship one. But firstly, you must be precious to yourself. Only by being a whole and fulfilled individual can you participate in another persons life in a positive way. It is the only way to combat the darkness that swirls around our planet these days. Encouragement rather than accusation is the only way that we make the Light grow. And friends, how you say that matters more than what you say.

Go and be good to yourself. Be good to others.

The Internal Struggle

2011-10-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

There is a lot going on right now despite work slowing to a crawl. I have many things to sort out, plans to make and goals to set. One such goal is NaNoWriMo. If it is true that I produce much better with short deadlines then being a week from the start should be good motivation. I hope that is the case. Currently, the Internal Struggle between the Should Do list & the Want to Do list is keeping me awake at night.

This could not be the worst time of the year for NaNo from where I sit. I have to work. As a single woman I have to support myself and not lose the place that I am living. So writing in near seclusion for a month seems like a fantasy. It's a good fantasy. And it is the kind of fantasy that has given us great fiction throughout history. Its just that the chance of producing money with this goal is so slim... I just heard thunder so the chance of being fried by an errant bolt is greater in this moment than producing a work of profitable fiction. Therein lies the struggle:

All of my dilemmas are now boiled down to the basest denominator and that is the question: Will it make money? With the follow up being, If it won't make money why do it? I have never been so regulated by money as I have been in the last few years. If there is no profit in it for me I do not want to do it. While I do know that there are other profits than dollars and scents, I am hard pressed to see them right now. To continue riding this train of thought will invariably lead to a wreck. So why am I doing it? Fear. I know, its an inky black shadow of something so small that no one should really be worried about it. And yet... it also seems sane to worry about losing your living quarters.

Damn it! I am a creative individual. We take risks. Why should I let these things get to me? Why should I believe that there is so slim a chance? Why take the side of fear? I know that is not all that I know. I know more than fear. I know success.

I started a business that made good money.
I submitted artwork for publication and was selected for 5 different print runs.
I know how to do this and half the work is done for me.

I struggle with the knowledge that I am equipped to do this alone if I have to and the desire to not do this alone. But I want my cheering section to let me do this on my terms. I've never really had that anywhere but with Michelle. Most of the cheers have come with strings attached. I am just not that kind of girl. On a side note, I think that I would work poorly with a patron no matter how badly I want one. Patrons can become "micro-managy" and I do not handle people who boss me around. Especially when I think I know better, I have a good internal compass. I'm good at following it. It's just that a wide open Ocean under wide open skies on a dark moonless night are more than a tad unnerving. And I feel like I am the only one on my tall ship and there are no stars to steer by.

Of course this could all be part of the panic that is Anxiety Disorder.
It could also mean that I am not getting enough me time to settle myself down and find that rational part of my poor little cave-woman brain. No offense to our prehistoric ancestors intended!!!!

Euro-centric

2011-10-23T13:53:00.001-04:00

One friend of mine, as I introduced her to Matthias Reim music raved about an Italian metal band called Lacuna Coil while another friend has introduced me to Finnish band Nightwish. As I listen to this music Iam struck by how similar each of them are stylistically. That is not to say they copy each other. There is a common artistic sensibility that I think comes from living, breathing and learning music in a region rich with the history of classical and operatic music.

You can hear its influence in Matze's music where it is used for dramatic effect to introduce a pop (schlager) song where these other two bands launch into the richness of the tradition and bring it front and center of metal styles. The screaming guitar riffs don't seem so disjointed in European music as it does in American. I think of Van Hallen. While it is impressive what Eddie can do with his guitar there is little else from the rest of the band that really makes it feel solid. Now I have very European tastes so maybe that is why I have never really liked our hair bands and industrial metal. It just seems like most American music stops just short of being finished.

Though when I think of bands like Creed, Beck, Blaq Audio and the like there is still a lot of meat on the bones with these guys. But in terms of the richness of track layering it still seems lighter. And for no really good reason, I think it is because as a collective of New World-ers, we tried so hard to leave our European roots behind us that we didn't keep the best parts, the parts worth saving. Really, when you think of it how many truly great classical composers have we produced compared with Europe? we can appreciate it. But we don't learn it. Maybe it is different when you are in a music school like Interlochen or Julliard. For the rest of us it gets glossed over.

I was watching something on the official YouTube Nightwish channel and the band member being interviewed was talking about 70 percussion tracks and that being only half enough to do the job. 70? Are there 70 different kinds of drums? No. But to get one drum to be able to do ALL of the cool things that it can do and ALL AT ONCE I can see where you'd have to have multiple tracks. And that is the thing... the orchestration is the key. It is the support for the whole house of cards.

Layers. Richness. It all amounts to a vitality that I think is lacking in American music today. Look for example to Sting. English, with a rich education in European music, comes to America and when you compare his compositions to his contemporaries there is a depth of tonality that is missing from say Hall and Oates or Springsteen. Today it seems more to be about the costumes and the personality than it is about the music. Maybe not in Lady Gaga's case since she is classically trained. But there is little soul and a lot of heel in the modern stuff. And very little of it deals with the condition of being human and having a soul whether Heaven bound or for Hell. Its about the party and the temporary. Great for living in the moment if that moment is in Neverland.

I guess I just have a Euro-centric soul. Let's hope that this all sinks in an comes out as I write for NaNo in a few days. I think all of this is the perfect soundtrack for my plot.

Horror Movies... tis the Season

2011-10-23T01:37:00.000-04:00

Turner Classics has had some great movies for the Halloween season. Syfy too. But I prefer these to the Gore-fests they've been hosting. Tonight I am watching this movie from 1942 called Cry of the Werewolf. It turns out that the tradition of being an IDIOT and opening the partially open door in the spooky room after something makes a weird sound on the other side of the door started way back then.

In this movie it is the innocent and rather foolish looking (duh) gangly Icabod Crane-type guy who goes looking for trouble and finds it. These days its the blond the bites it first. You can excuse the guy in this movie because he is new to the genre. But the kids in the new movies really should know better. Its like they have never seen a horror flick.

Of course I have seen tons and I would still open a door when my gut screamed don't. Why? Invariably it will be the only way out. And with my luck it won't be a Vampire or Werewolf; it won't be Freddy or Jason either. Nope. It'll be the student loan company.

And the crazy thing about all these scary movie is that they all have gypsies in them. The more I see the vardos, the more I want one. As a matter of fact... hmm... brother has property and a vardo only costs a few thousand dollars to build... naw. That WOULD be crazy.

Political Comentary. Really? Really.

2011-10-17T17:40:00.000-04:00

Usually, I try to stay out of things like Occupy Wall Street. And that is only because when I have been angry about the things that go on in closed door sessions when a handful of shareholders decide how things will go for the other shareholders, employees and customers I have been told that it is none of my business. Or worse, “That’s just the way it is. “ And every part of my being screams that it doesn’t have to be this way. I shut up about a decade ago. No one was listening to me because things were not bad. Even though Ennrron showed us that things were getting out of hand with the successful prosecution of those at the top, the public was content that the bad guys had all been rounded up and dealt with so that we could continue to do the things that we were accustomed to doing. What makes me say something now? Two things that have happened on face book in the past week. One of the anti protest protestors was trying to blame the Jews for the worlds money woes and the viral handwritten message from a teen that basically is telling the malcontents to “Get a job”. Some things will never change.

It is with these two images from face book stuck in my head that I read today’s USA Today and have a more cohesive picture of the Occupy Wall Street protest. 6b of the money section ran an article by Ben Jones about margarine limits. That is right margarine. Not margins. Margarine… a butter substitute. Wisconsin legislators made it illegal for restaurants to serve colored margarine tableside and prevent state prisons from serving it to inmates unless they were vegan or had health concerns. What does that matter? Special interest groups on behalf of Wisconsin dairy farmers, fearing loss of revenue to the artificial butter substitute, used the legal system to circumvent the natural capitalist process to maintain an industry. The article does not measure in dollars how this has benefited the dairy farmers over time. But it does highlight a symptom of the problem. Government and Corporations (in this case it is a unified dairy association which functions like a corporation) that undercut the capitalist process while simultaneously removing the freedom of individual choice to prevent a loss of income. How many other industries can you think of that use the congressional process to accumulate wealth regardless of deservedness meaning allowing the market to naturally dictate terms?

And by that I mean that capitalism in its purest form is the clearest albeit a simple demonstration of Survival of the Fittest. The market determines price. Demand from the market determines supply. In the case of Wisconsin’s churning debate this is not the case. Considering consumer concerns for cost and health, one could reasonably say that margarine could have killed butter sales for all but the die-hard bakers and cooks. The market was not allowed to chose for itself the fate of the dairy industry. And that is where you have frustration begin to settle in with these protestors. This sort of thing has been going on for years. And the only thing that the Artificially Fit have to say is “Survival of the Fittest Baby!” Because that is always how bullies defend themselves. But this victory for Wisconsin dairy farmers was not won on the merits of the product but by manipulating a system. It was won with layers not merit. But we all let these kinds of things slide because of the emotional impact in NOT having those laws. Anyone who would have protested making that law would have been asked what you, dear reader, are dying to ask me:

So what then? Are the farmers supposed to starve to death so you can have your fake butter?

No. The farmers are supposed to adapt like everyone else does when faced with a major change in their revenue source. The government already makes them discard their surplus and subsidizes them for losses that may or may not have happened had the market not been manipulated.

The other thing that caught my attention was a book review on page 5b of the money section. Steve Weinberg reviewed Retirement Heist by Ellen E. Schultz. In her book she takes an in-depth look at how retirement funds and pensions have been raided by CFOs at the behest of CEOs and shareholders to keep profit margins high. Her examples is General Electric. GE plundered pensions for its past employees citing a drain on operating funds due to the maintenance of generous plans. GE CEO Immelt insisted that the retirement plans were bleeding the company dry. After citing a few unmentioned facts in Mr. Immelt’s statements, Schultz informs the reader that in fact, the pension plan that way bleeding the company was the one for current upper level management positions… including Immelt. In other words, thousands of GEs employees, those responsible for doing the work that gave them the product that generated the income had their benefits taken from them so that those with the 6 figure salaries would continue to receive fabulously extravagant benefits.

This is the kind of thing that is wrong, that has angered them enough to protest. Nothing that GE did was illegal. It was unethical to be certain. GE, according to Schultz’s research, never added to the funds after 1987. So how did they steal millions of dollars legally? I don’t know. I did not read the book. But after Weinberg’s review it is clear that I am going to have to. And everyone tempted to tell the protestors to “get a job” should read the book too. A lot of people who are hard up now had jobs with good benefits. When the job was gone they had the pension to back them up and keep them in the fight. Without a pension they are down for the count.

And that brings me to some of the other things that are involved in the Occupy Wall Street protestors’ heads:
Lehmann Brothers’ global mistake that cost the wealthy and poor alike and the lack of accountability for those at fault.
NAFTAs wholesale shipment of American jobs overseas
Tax codes that allow large corporations to hide revenue thereby protecting it from taxation
Gas prices added to the Speculation table which now rise with the whim of the market and are no longer hinged on the price of a barrel of oil.
The housing bubble
Cuts in programs while pork barrel spending appears to continue unabated
People with a PhD who HAVE to work a fast food job

That is just for starters.

Get a job? Where? How much will it pay? How long will you, young teen on the way to college, be paying your student loans before you can have enough money to live on? Sure, you could take a hard line and say that these people who have little to do but sit on the street and complain should “Man up.” We’ve all complained about Welfare and said the same thing… when we were making 500.00 a week or more. Even making 300.00 a week we had the same smug satisfaction of believing ourselves better than “those lazy bums”. And I’ll grant you there are a lot of them out there. But every single person who is not making that kind of money is simply being the cog in the machine that they are meant to be. You have to have a variety of income levels just because that is the way things work. You are not going to pay a guy with a degree who builds your airplanes 7.00 and hour and get a good plane. But you also are not going to pay a guy 25.00 and hour to mop floors in a burger joint because the job, while back breaking, is something that any Joe Schmoe could do. And that is a fast way to go broke. The larger issue here is that idea that while those of us who remember the lessons of evolutionary behavior accept Survival of the Fittest because it makes sense and we see it in nature all the time, have kind of faith that the Fit Survive on merit of real strength. Bear v. Deer, Bear wins. Cat v. Mouse. (Mouse wins unless his name is Jerry, But lets leave the cartoons out of this, shall we?) That is fair. It is reasonable. And we have faith that is how these things are working themselves out.

But that is not the case. In a matter of corporate greed those who are surviving are stealing what belongs to another, conniving by having laws rewritten to benefit themselves and intimidating anyone who challenges them. Citibank had customers arrested who tried to close accounts with them on Saturday October 15^th. And just look at what trade agreements are doing to weaken us in a global market. Survival of the Ruthless and Amoral. This is what is bankrupting Europe and America. From where I am sitting the only difference between the elite in American Business and any number of mafia outfits is that the CEOs leave their oozies at home.

This is what the protesting around the world this past year has been about. Yes… you will always have some lazy people who want a hand out. But that is not who is raising a fuss. The protestors are people who want to be useful and want fair compensation for their contributions. They are people who want to live in a house with their family by choice and not by necessity. They are people who know that the champagne dreams and caviar wishes come at the cost of human lives. Really? Does anyone NEED anything gold plated in their plumbing? Who NEEDS a 1.5 million dollar gold plated license plate? Who NEEDS to own 5 homes each on the 8-10,000 square foot range? This is the protest.

Human dignity: The human need to be useful and appreciated, to be valued for ones skills and justly compensated. The ability to contribute to a community and receive appropriate care in return. To dream. To create a life. To add to others lives. To not be intimidated by any means into relinquishing his or her goods and humanity.

It is not American greed. That we are pointed to is perhaps the fault of failing to see beyond the image of Gordon Gekko’s stereotype. Corporate greed knows no race or political boundary. Greed is a human issue. Humans inhabit the upper eschelons of a corporation. Greed is a spiritual issue. I do not mean religious… spirit. Those who steal from others and amass tremendous wealth without thought to the consequences for those beneath them in the monetary food chain have poison in them. And somehow we have allowed these people to continue to function without doing anything about it.

I think of these protests as an intervention. Junkies steal, lie, cheat and manipulate to get their next fix. These megalithic corporations behave the same way. They need to be stopped. Just like in an intervention it starts with one person who is willing to say “You are hurting me and I can not allow this to happen.”

Greed is not good.

Greed has toppled regimes and entire dynasties.

Greed destroys everything in its path.

The line must be drawn. These people are drawing the line now. Before things get any worse for all of us… including those who think that having a job is any kind of security against the vagaries of the future.

Full Moon Fun

2011-10-10T21:15:00.002-04:00

I'm going to try something new tonight. I am going to do a play by play commentary on the Wolfman. I have never seen this movie. I know the iconic imagery. But I have never seen it for myself. And tonight, ON A FULL MOON!, TCM is playing this classic horror movie. Ive been keeping up on Fiddler on the Roof with a friend on facebook. So I thought this could be kinda fun.

The Wolfman stars Lon Chaney, Bela Lugosi, Ralph Bellamy, Claude Rains and was made n 1941 by George Waggner. It came 6 years after Werewolf of London. That movie did not really capture much attention, according to guest host Chris Issak.

Asthe credits roll two things stand out to me: Bela Lugosi is not the creepy looking guy I assumed he would be and Lon Chaney is actually kinda cute. It may have been how mom described these guys and her adventures at the movies during WWII but I assumed the make up was covering up some kind of flaw in there features. And Claude Rains (Casablanca) seems to never change. But how they decided to cast such a shrimp as Chaney's dad is beyond me.

Hmm... this is starting to feel like a pop up video episode with an audience of one.

Creepy stalker. If you are going to peep on a girl you probably shouldn't mention it. But if you slip you can always say you are psychic. Oh and don't forget to quote the brothers Grimm.

Even a man pure of heart who says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolf bane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.

And here comes the gypsies... Vardo and all.
And the fog...
And the wolf bane...
And there is the howl...

OOh this is new. This wolfman chewed on the victim in full dog form. That is starting to sound a lot like the Northern Michigan Dogman legend to me. The Odawa say the dog man is a shape changing guardian of the native tribes. It can function in man, wolf, combo and stealth mode; stealth meaning invisible... some kind of in-between state. Who knew?

"Fighting superstition is as hard as fighting against Satan himself."

I like the Gypsy idea of a funeral. It's just a big party in the Irish tradition with dancing and nihilistic prophecy and carnival games. Ya know, everybody loves a good carnival but they all complain about the gypsies without whom none of the entertaining would happen. Who would run the carnival without them? Granted they come with a host of problems when they come to town. But you can't have the circus without the carnies.

And now we obsesses about hair. Transformation. Transformation. Transformation. But it looks like he's wearing pajamas.

Now I have a legal question. If a man could truly become a werewolf & its proven that he is not in control of that form of himself can he really be held accountable for what he does under the moon's influence? I know you have to hold something accountable. But if you could cure the man of the curse would you still prosecute the animal's crimes?

Wow... I am really diggin the Claude Rains. He reminds me in some ways of Patrick Stewart. Maybe the delivery?
And there are the old biddies making trouble like a mob armed with pitch forks and torches. In this case it would be the forked tongues and incendiary words.

And though riddled with superstition the only one willing to help the poor guy is a gypsy. Go figure.

The way you walked was thorny through no fault of your own...

Say what you will about the gypsies... but they have a lot more compassion for people than most of the "normal' world I have met.

Not the ending that I thought it would be. And so not scarry......

I don't know about this...

2011-10-10T13:17:00.000-04:00

So John Cusak has another movie out. And it's The Raven. Poe chasing serial killers?

Not sure how I feel about that. I mean tis the season for Poe things. But Poe the detective? No one has jumped to the not so obvious conclusion that Doyle was a detective just because he wrote about one in the Strand. So how do we assume Poe did? His mysterious death?

I haven't seen the movie. But now that my imagination is going I am going to say that I could see Poe having BEEN a serial killer (thus the focus on feelings of guilt) sooner than a detective. Not saying it couldn't happen. Just saying it seems the least likely.

Should prove to be entertaining at any rate.

Management Decisions

2011-10-10T04:11:00.000-04:00

I'm watching When Weather Changed History on the Weather Channel (I know. duh.) And there are two things that strike me about the program. First is that the problem with the O-rings, which we all knew about within months of the tragedy, was really a weather problem. I;m not a genius. But I do know something about black rubber O-rings. Being made of black rubber, they will fail the same way that the rubber gaskets or washers in a kitchen faucet will fail. They can dry out with disuse. Or they shrink and warp in the cold. Run the faucet for a while and the rubber will soften and reseal itself but not before leaking water all over the counter. Run water through there in a house that is almost cold enough to freeze water but not quite and you get failure. I've done it in dad's house. And it took me a while to figure out it was an issue with the climate and not with the hardware. I'm not a rocket scientist. But I kinda figure the rocket scientists should know about it. More over the managers should have known about it.

But who would have thought that could really have been an issue? It's a small kind of thing. But isn't it the small things that really always trip us up? The Spanish Armada was sunk in the English Channel because the pursuing Spanairds forgot how shallow the water and how low there ships sat in the water. We forget the basics when we keep our eyes so rivetted on the Big Picture. Can you blame anybody? I don't know. It was either arrogance or complacency. But then again, how many times have I not bothered to say something at work because the little things just don't matter to anyone but me? The subtle changes in the way a room smells or the sounds of the machines in the mech room next to me all give me pause for concern. Its never pleasant to smell antifreeze. And the scent usually means there is about two weeks till the heat pump goes out. But what can you do with that kind of heads up? There are a million reasons to smell the antifreeze and the odds that it would be a heat pump failure EVERY time are slim. So management politely nods and I go on doing my job.

And then the pump fails. It's just the way that humans do things. We don't really sweat the small stuff. Sure weather could be a factor in the shuttle disaster. But mostly the problem is that we always hope for the best and we take chances. We have to. None of us are really psychic. And none of us knows exactly how things are going to work.

And that is the second thing that struck me as interesting in the presentation. We push the envelope thinking that we will always succeed because we have always succeeded. And then there was Columbia. It makes me wonder if anyone ever thought "That only happens to the Russians. It doesn't happen to us." so the envelope gets pushed, statistics get ignored. We keep doing the things that make us human. And eventually the odds run out.

After a conversation that I had at work I am beginning to think that people who believe in karma and astrology might make more sense than those who do not. And that only for the fact that superstition creates wariness and wariness makes a more cautious person... yes, it also makes paranoia and paranoid people have been known to walk around with aluminum foil helmets to protect them from alien brain scans... but caution at least reminds us that anything can and will happen. Even the unthinkable.

And now my early am rambling comes to a conclusion for this broadcast day.
CUE: Anthem and waving flag

add to the Lexicon....

2011-10-03T21:44:00.002-04:00

Gnart: the contraction of the two words Gnome and Fart. I was dreaming of a conversation with Danie at work in the laundry room. The dream was just like any other day @work. And whatever Danie said to me I responded. But I only woke up with the second half of the sentence in my head... and laughing hysterically "..... crapping Gnart!"

Having told Danie this when I got to work today she decided that we would definately use Gnart for some such covert name calling.

Wallet Worm: the jobless, car or gas money-less, just got out of jail or dumped man or woman that expects you to support their "broke ass" with your minimum wage less than 40 hour a week job. When millions are at stake this is known as a gold digger. But since you haven't any gold it is a wallet worm. They get in through your heart and eat their way to the next target.

My boss invented that term to describe the one that is giving a co-worker fits. Everyone of us has had one and some of us have had more than one. We need a pesticide for this.

Technology Bites

2011-10-03T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm sure I am using the whole "Favorite Sites" thing wrong when I launch IE. I think that those boxes that tell me where I go most frequently are little bookmarks, short cuts to getting here, there and anywhere else I want to be without dropping down the favorites list. Or worse! HAving to remember the places I like to go. I launch IE and there we are, google, geekdom and my game are in the top 3 spots.

Till now.

I launch IE and the game was my most active and the rest of the boxes were filled with random crap. I am beginnng to think that is the master list of all the cookies my browser has eaten and that some how, if you don't clear your history enough that the less active boxes will over run the active and very active boxes.

Problem... I do not see how to divest myself of these truly random things that I look up in a convenient way like the old way. hell I do not even know where the history tab is located anymore. Ugh!!!!! The more these things change the more I want to wish us back into the stone age.

Sidebar: I almost think that getting hit over the head with a stick and dragged into the man cave would be less painful and embarrassing that having to look at the painfully misspelled tag lines and unwanted "invites" filling my inbox on various sites. Though I do like the fact that my friends are all a facebook post away... that does make modern cave men TOO CLOSE for comfort.

Do I Hear the Horsemen?

2011-09-28T17:15:00.000-04:00

If you've ever read Revelations then you know that you will know the end of the World As We Know It is signalled by the blowing of 7 horns, the breaking of 7 seals, the unfurling of 7 scrolls and something about 7 lamps (God's way of turning the idiot light on? dunno) and then the thundering hoof beats of 4 Horses bearing Riders (and pestilence, famine, war and some other horrible thing). If you felt the world shift under your feet today and your friendly neighborhood seismologist swears it was NOT an Earth quake, tremor or temblor, be assured it was also not your imagination.

I got an apology today. Someone who was mad at someone else dropped a verbal assault on me Saturday. I had a retort. But... true to my nature, two seconds after said person left the room I was reduced to a puddle of tears. I should not have been yelled at. But in Person's defense: a. I am a safe place to unload baggage. I joke all the time about pets, kids, horses, old men and carious "crazy" people dumping on me because I am safe. And if I don't get the emotional baggage dump then they just get close and soak up my sun. Which is fine... I know how to get more. Anyway.... b. the person he was mad at could not have taken any of that even though she deserved it. And this has been a situation a long time in coming so it was bound to happen sooner or later. and c. I needed to be jolted a bit.

I have spent the better part of this year replaying events in my head and having all manner of small incidents and larger seismic events fitting together like clues on NCIS. I have a clear picture of just how much of a chump I have been with this woman. Every night that I was homeless this Winter and realizing if I had not done her a favor by splitting hours with her I would not have been homeless. And with every catastrophe she instigated my frustration with myself and her being allowed to continue to behave that way grew. I've gained weight trying to stuff the anger, fear and loathing down so that I could put on a happy face for all and sundry. And I have not let myself fall apart on a regular basis. I won't quit because I know that this is a position worth fighting for until I go to school. But I've been a chump.

I was played. Granted I will still win. But just like when I play chess on a board I take heavy losses to gain every win. And I am spending a lot of resources here to win by so slim a margin. And when I got yelled at my dams broke.

Thankfully I knew I was mad at her and not the other Person. And thankfully, after a couple of days to my self, I realized that Person was not mad at me at all. I served my cosmic function of diffusing a difficult situation. I did not really take the damage and it was not a critical hit. Person's job is impacted every time that she fails to consider ALL of her duties. And that is where the frustration came from that drew out that response. But it took me days to realize it.

and this morning Person found me and apologized most sincerely. And asked nothing in return from me. Did not even stick around to wait for me to accept the apology and give absolution. So I have to do it here even though the words will not reach Person's ears. The energy will get there nonetheless.

"I figured out that you were not mad at me. And when I figured that out, I looked at all the times that I thought you were mad, and I realized you were only really mad once. And that one time I did deserve to be corrected though I could have been done so more gently. No matter what you say about what you Think You Deserve, you & everyone else on this planet has to have safe place to detonate. Now that I know that is how I function in your life, I can accept the rapidly changing moods. I do not like it when I have my own crap to deal with. But I accept it.

So I accept your apology. And if the PTB talked to you about any issues that arouse after the minor explosion, I apologize. But know that when asked, I told them that I would handle this one myself. And when the one returns I will make sure that he knows the situation is rectified. I have to as it is my lead in to talk to him about a solution to the situation.

And thank you. I did not expect, nor did I hope for, such an apology. I am glad to have it though. And you deserve my forgiveness... no matter what you think about what you do and do not deserve. You deserve it and you have it. Our time is too short to hold such petty things against one another. Since this is my cosmic job description if not the one on the handbook. And you are still on the list of My Favorite People that I Have Met in My Life as well as the list of People I Will Miss Forever when it is time to part ways. This is not the time. And little blow ups like that will not be held against you."

And the other good thing about this episode is that having figured out what the rant was about, and then having it confirmed for me during the apology, is that Person will be the model for a character of contrasting strengths and weaknesses for this November's NaNoWriMo...

which reminds me...
please excuse me while I go register my feeble fingers for the faint hope of future glory.

Personal Encyclopedia

2011-09-26T17:07:00.000-04:00

I think, for the most part, that is what a blog really is. At least that is what this blog is. The things that I write about are important to me to be sure. They should help some people understand me better. With any luck some of the topics should help others understand themselves or their friends and family. It is not really the cowards way of saying something. It may be a heavy handed way of saying something at times. But I do not put it here to make anyone feel bad. I am trying to process a lot of things. Some from the Past and some from the very present Present.

For instance, I have written things about classmates, cloaked in nom-deplume and aliases so as not to embarrass them. Some of those things are painful for me and given how much faster they matured than I did insofar as releasing the past, the alias protects (I hope) them from derision or ridicule. I've never intended to do more than process the pain and lend some words of wisdom to those who read this and see themselves as the victim or the bully. In time it does get better. And all of these event help shape us.

Those who are in my life now can go "Ah! Now I get what happened here." Some of those stories explain my trust issues. Some of them explain my thought processes. Mostly though they just tend to me be asking people in my life for some slack without having to tell every single story out loud over and over again. I write it down to kinda put a rest to it. It is part of my story. But when I do not have to use my breath to enliven the words I do not relive the pain. It is passive instead of active and it makes life easier to deal with.

But then there are things that I muse over, things that strike me while I am reading other blogs that make me go hmmm.... there is something here that needs attention. It is not a back handed condemnation. It is mostly a "here is an interesting topic. This is what I think about it." If it is interesting enough to open a dialog in person then I would hope readers would dialog with me about it.

I took a little heat for the post about art lifestyle. In that I was addressing the conflicts of the past trying to share a room with my sister, sharing a house with another artist, sharing a house with non-artists, and dealing with the invitations I've had to cohabitate from four different people. But I was also commisserating with the artists who follow this blog. We share a commonality and that is the practicality of being and artist in a non-art environment. We don't live on our own little islands when we make art and there are territorial issues for each of us. And for the non-artist reader I was trying to work out some sort of an explaination for why it is so difficult to live with some of us as something of an Ambassador to the non-art-speaking among us.

If we (me and person from whom I took some heat) were not in the middle of deeper topics I would have explained this. But I kinda feel like I've explained this all a million times before. So I'm sorry that with this very post I've done what you asked I not do. But you are not the only one who needed to be reminded that the blog as an online journal and personal encyclopedia is essentially a repository of things that make the writer who they are and allows the people who are interested in knowing that person the ability to access information at their own convenience. In much the same way a diamond does not wait around to be asked how it forms and what it is made of or how long it took to get the way it is but merely exists... so too do I exist. Anyone who wants to know a thing or two about a diamond can look that information up whenever one wants to. One doesn't have to wake up the diamond. It doesn't run the risk of pissing off the diamond by asking the same question endlessly. So too, anyone who would know me better may access the blog and be informed...

That's all it is. If it applies. It applies. But generally I do not write without the thought that my posts may be helpful in some way to the general public.

+ed

2011-09-21T12:49:00.000-04:00

Have finally gotten my invitation to Google+. I asked to be put on the waiting list for when they were ready to launch the beta test. Whoo hoo. So far the only person that I have followed or circled who has a google plus account is My Bestest Friend in the Whole World Uncle Wil. And he uses + more than he uses the other social sites.

So if any of you readers would like to join Google+ and add me to your circle that would be awesome. Let me know when you do so that I can add you back... in return... also... you get the idea.

I have been horrifically sick since yesterday morning and I am not feeling anybetter. I went to pay my rent and then got something less solid than what is in the fridge with the hope that it would stay down and my blood sugar wouldn't plummet thus adding the shakes to the fever, puking and generalized headache.

You know what they say about hope in one hand....
So off to bed again. Grrrr.................................

It's never what anyone expects

2011-09-19T11:58:00.000-04:00

or "This probably belongs on the art blog but it is a life issue as well"

I am in a new place. I do not know how long I will be here. But it is mine for the time being and I will spend most of this week making it mine even though I want to make art. I have too much in my head that needs to get made. And now I do not really want to be at work, or with friends of any nature. So today as I am getting my head out of the foggy grey morning air, I am catching up on my blog reading. Martha over at Art du Jour (www.marthalever.blogspot.com) left an update that got me thinking several things.

It takes a special person to spend 5 hours putting together an easel even with the instructions.
It takes a special person to spend lifetime living in an artists studio and not be an artist.
It takes an extremely special person to avoid relegating the artwork and its production to the basement, backroom, loft above the garage, a closet in the spare bedroom or even the spare bedroom.
To make art one usually ends up living, breathing and expelling art. And in some cases, eating drinking, peeing and pooping art because it is everywhere.
The production of art is organized chaos and it looks like a mess to the untrained and unintiated eye.

Why does all this matter, my art friends ask. They already know these things. I guess it was just looking at the photos of her easel and seeing the house surrounding it that things sunk in for me. Art is expansive. It broadens (hopefully) the viewers horizons. But in the practical everyday situation of living and working with your art, the art expands its territory. When I think back to all my works and the places that I made it, I recall how it could not be contained in one place. In much the same way that my whole home was dedicated to the day care (with the exception of my bedroom) the studio has been, quite literally, the whole house. The reason that it matters is because not many people can live like that.

When you produce something that needs to dry in stages or cure it needs to be left out where it will not be disturbed. When you have a piece that will not come together no matter what you do to it, it needs to sit out or sit aside while you work on something else. And then you can come back to it when you or the work has mellowed. These things are not predictable. Artists do not paint by numbers. They paint by trial and error. For the most part we know how tools and materials will behave... that is the skill part. It is how the concept behaves that determines ones success or failure on a given day. It can not be said always that you will paint from 2 to 4pm and have a complete work. It is a goal to strive for. But it does not always happen. And sometimes, most often in the case of assemblage or collage, you cull pieces for a series of works on a theme and have to leave them in various piles in semi-completed stages before the end run where several of them can be finished off at once.

Its messy. Its complicated. Its the best metaphor for life that I know. And it is hard for people who llike order and "clean" spaces. Its also hard for people who want to be the only thing in the spaces in your heart. But artwork takes it all. The thing that you are that makes you an artist is in everything that you are. And when you are in the process of creating art, having already distilled the feelings and experiences that are your inspiration, the art percolates through all the spaces in your life and it comes out in a finished product. Or with any luck, in my case, enough pieces for a good show.

I am in full blown art mode. That pretty much means that I am unavailable for everyone else. And I do not know how well that is going to go over. I can garauntee that my friends will be more annoyed with me than ever before. And with the things that I have to do for the people who want to help me with vocational training and get a real job... well they are gonna be pissed at me as well. But it can not be helped. I have many ideas both great and small. And not much time to get them done in.

Sheesh and if its gonna keep raining so that I can not ever go take pics of Traverse then I will have nothing to do BUT art. At any rate... pop over to Martha's blog to see what I am talking about. it is a place of exuberant expression where I do not believe repression or suppression has ever had a foot hold. Having been in Michelle's studio when she lived close by I can tell you that the best studios for inspiration are some of the messiest places on Earth. But it is a good thing.

Settled?

2011-09-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

Not yet. This week was International Housekeeppers Appreciation week and the week at work has been a buzz with fun and frivolity. Which being in the midst of moving again, I needed. But I also have some deeply personal stuff going on so I have been terribly exhausted wtih trying to settle my brain enough to get my physical environment settled. So after 3 days in the new place I am not unpacked yet.

There are lots of things to update you guys on and its just gonna have to wait for a bit.

At Least it Isn't Creepy Naked Guy's Room

2011-09-18T09:31:00.000-04:00

One day this past Summer, the boss lady and I went to Taco Bell for lunch. While we were coming back into the parking lot we saw a Firetruck, ambulance and some cops in the parking lot of the hotel next door that we also operate. Jodi wondered what was up. I said, "Oh it's probably a dead body." We laughed a little. After rubbernecking to figure out what room was the target, I laughed a little and said out loud "I hope its not my own room. I might want it back someday"
We parked and walked into the building and heard the news from Dave. It was a body. "What room?" Jodi and I both asked. He didn't know. The other employees who lived there couldn't remember what room it was either.
So last week things got really kinda ugly where I was living. And I asked our GM what was left for employees over at the other hotel. "There's just one left. If you need it you better grab it now."
So I went over. Paid for the room and got my key. I didn't even look at the room number until I got over there. When I pulled up and looked at it I saw I had my old room! YEA!!!!! And just to let you know, I squeed a little on the inside.
The next day the GM asked me if I got the room. I said yeah. "But I think I got the dead guy's room." He looked puzzled. "Do you know which room that was?" I asked. He did not. So I asked Rocky which room. He does maintenance at three of our hotel. "Well I just shampooed the carpets in it. I think it' 144."
MY ROOM!
So weird Aquarius chick gets the dead guys room. Great. And I just saw insidious few months ago too.
The next day the property director stopped me, "I see you moved back to town with us." "Yeah, and I got the dead guy's room." "Well he isn't in it anymore." "His body is gone." I corrected him. "And the rest of him better not be there any more either."
We crack me up.

No, I do not expect there to be any incidents. There are far too many living college students making a ruckus for any of the dead to rest in peace. And it is those living college students that I feel the need to be wary of. There are a couple that are very weird indeed.

Dinner topics

2011-09-13T12:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had dinner with my boss lady. Things at work have been a bit crazy and weird over the last year and everything came to a head about a month ago. The bullying finally came to an end with a warning to the bully to step up or step out. Nothing like being the slacker that you accuse others of being. Problem is no one was as blind to what was going on as the bully thought. So she got busted. And the fact that I have been working my ass off while the bully has been ducking out this that and the other thing with no thought as to how her shifts are supposed to get covered... well. It was a gloriously understated eruption. I expected Vesuvian devastation and we had something less than Mount Saint Helen.
Since I was the object of derision, I was really looking forward to spectacular plumes of fall out. The fizzle was least satisfying to me. And I have been stewing about it. I really wanted someone to let her have it. Its been miserable this past year. I've been pretending to like her. I've done an Academy Award Winning performance of being happy and joyful about working under the cloud of her affliction. And it was wearing me out. I wanted to do the whole Holmesian endgame analysis and get her to confess her ill conceived plans by designed accident to someone higher up than the Boss Lady. I wanted her to know that evaluating your opponents skill is the opening maneuver in any chess game and NOT the moving of the first piece. But nothing happened. She just went underground with her griping.
So there is no more overt attempt at sabotage. And I have a grand network of irregulars in my employ. She has no idea what she is setting herself up for. But it makes Reichenbach look like a slip-n-slide. And I hope that my being awarded Employee of the Month grates her teeth.

I know it is silly. I do not plan on being here for ever. I will not be a Lifer, as we like to say in the mines. But I do not want to spend a miserable 6 months or whenever at work. And we talked about that too. I think the Boss Lady almost cried. I wanted to. I do not want to leave. But I have no choice. If I am to make something of a success I must have more education... and not the education of a passionate student that I have given myself.

And we talked about endings, beginnings and mulligans. So I will share some of her words that make for some good generic advice:
be careful about second chances... when you have been given one don't force things. Because that is the quickest way to lose that chance. When you are giving the second chance you have to be more responsible for understanding yourself 1. so you don't lose your resolve, 2. so that you don't give false hope, 3. so that you avoid the temptation to appease at your own expense.

Sometimes when you move forward you will get resistance from people who can not move forward with you either for their maturity of because of circumstance. So no matter how things shake out you have to look at these kinds of changes as though you are going off to college.... some of your friends are going to college with you, some to another college and some are gonna stay home and work in the family business. Of course some are doing 12th grade over again but we won't talk about them.

I guess the thing is this: when you move forward in your life, especially down the path of further education, it is to be expected that you are going to outpace those who are not making the same kinds of changes and there will have to be a shift in those relationships. I love all of my friends for who they are. But the friends that I have that are no different today than we were when we were in high school are not the same people that I can hang out with now. I am easily bored by the mundane parts of their life. And they are disinterested in the things that I am passionate about. We change tribes. I will always be a geek and be part of Geekdom. But the kinds of geeks I hang out with may change and I have to be okay with that. And they have to be okay with that.

It was a good conversation.

*last year on facebook...

2011-09-11T12:35:00.000-04:00

I guess when Facebook has nothing better to do with its events space, it likes to tell you what you posted a year ago.

A dozen roses and beautiful card before snuggling into the couch for a while... good way to start a weekend. :)

One year ago he brought flowers to me at work with a very nice card. It caught everyone's attention. And in someways I think it knocked some gears loose in the Dark Knight's skull. And now this year, on this very day, we have regulated ourselves to being "just friends" because of the past year's events. Funny how things change in a year.

And no.. it is not a slam. Not an indictment. It is only an observation on how things change. And I guess it is a snide comment in the Universes direction about its own sense of timing.

*please read that in your best TV season opener introduction voice for your favorite show like I did. Of course in my head I heard Teal'c say "Previously on Stargate SG-1...."

Milestones... the weight on your shoulders

2011-09-11T12:22:00.000-04:00

While everyone is taking a moment to think about what we lost ten years ago as a nation, I find myself thinking that it is selfish to participate in the grief of 3000 families as though our "loss" is the same as theirs. I wonder if it is a habit that we have because of the celebrating that we did at the end of WWII. That affected each and every American in a way that our generation will never understand. It was truly a collective experience as was the celebration at the end. I do not think that this is the case here. Being from Northern Michigan and having been rivetted to the radio during the storm that took out the Edmund Fitzgerald and the search for survivors, I liken 9/11 to that. The survivors do not want to be reminded every single year and every time someone requests the "Wreck" on the radio. I will never feel the loss of those individuals as personally as their families will. And I wonder if it all makes them a little sadder and a little madder. I feel like an intruder. Just like I do today.

Ten years ago I was delivering newspapers, making art in the apartment atop the house I was supposed to inherit from my father, semi-dating the man I worked with who was also my best friend then. Ten years ago +1 week I began to teach myself Arabic calligraphy because I did not think the richness of the Middle Eastern culture was being well represented in the art world. Ten years ago I'd had a revelation about myself that let me let go of the need to please so many people who could not see the true vision of my life... only how they would have liked to see things for me. Ten years ago there was a celestial alignment that followed me on the darkest hours of my route and filled me with an odd mixture of certain hope and unsettling fear.

I knew that I was on the right path for life and art and that a lot of things would have to be destroyed to make room for something new. A yellow gold moon followed me in its fullness on my route for a week, waning into its cresent shape and positioned to be a cradle. As one who believes in omens, I took it as a good sign because I saw that as being receptive to the coming changes. And even though that full moon surrounded by clouds often resembled the luminous eye of a scaley dragon in my rearview mirrio... I felt the courage to face the change and do it bravely. Afterall there was not really a dragon with a gleaming gloat. It was my imagination. The bright star that shone above the cresent cradle was a good sign that I was on the right track. Islamic design needed to make a comeback. Bagdad was a beautiful city in its prime. Forget the jewel of the Nile. Bagdad was light and color, vibrant and expansive. It was the center of trade and learning for a while. And it was a center of peace. I thought that was what we needed to remember as a people. But I thought it would help all the semitic nations to remember how special each is if only they could see themselves and each other in their artwork... the legacy of openess and fraternity that was once the cradle of civilization.

But I couldn't shake how odd that symbolism made me feel. I know that I am an odd duck in that regard. I really do think that Art heals everything. It may not prevent disease and death but it heals the wounds that disease and death leave on our souls. And since the soul is the only thing that really matters; is the only thing that is eternal... I guess that is why I am so passionate about art. But I had a job to do and was only half way through it. Shaking off the uneasy feeling and holding on to the hope of a new direction to take my art, I finished my route.

Driving through the forested roads of Lake Ann I heard some rumblings on the radio that made me turn it off and put in a CD. No time to be distracted. I heard plane crash and thought well... here we go again. And the FAA will never change things to make it harder to skip inspections. Cruisng into Benzie County, I thought of nothing but the coffee waiting for me at Sundance and the familiarity of community there. Every morning I'd stop and chat with my fellow customers about art and music and everything else that they were into. It was in the riverside building that was really too small for many guests. And the new building was in the midst of remodel. I was looking forward to that. I could spend sometime there before heading to Cadillac for school. But that morning I pulled up to the curb and hopped out to fill the paper box and found myself surrounded by questions.

Have you heard? What are they saying about it?
I think everyone forgot that I delivered the paper... a day late and a dollar short on current events. So they caught me up to speed. The only thing that I remember clearly about that conversation was Quentinn. An artsy guy, he rode a bike everywhere and he was shaking. The woman who owned the coffee shop was out east visiting family and getting some ideas for the decor in the new place. He and Anne and she and her husband were close. he was scared for her and her husband as much as how his wife might take the loss of a friend. Quentinn was like our Norm Peterson. And in a month he would be gone... killed in a bike car crash. I was stunned. I did not get my coffee that morning. Instead I turned right around an sped back to Matt's house.

He'd finished his route before me. He'd called me a few times on the cell phone. But it was a cheap model and there were deadspots ten years ago where there was no signal out there. When I got to his house he was at his dining room table, cigarette in one hand, rum in the other and crying like a baby. The TV was on and we sat in stunned silence for hours. The paper called to say that they were quadrulping our order for the morning delivery so we should change our numbers accordingly. And that was that. No matter what happens in the world it is all going to boil down to how many papers will sell.

It was not the number of lives lost. It was not about how things will change forever. It was not about anything but money. How many papers can you get out in your area? And that was all that we were left with for the day. Hollow and sad. I knew that whatever I thought about islamic design was going to be colored by this forever. An then I remembered Mir. He lived in Buffalo and traveled for his music. His life would change forever. Born of Pakistani and Indian parents, no one would believe that he was not responsible for what happened even though he just plays guitar.

Matt and I consoled each other. Went to bed and got up to meet the cartage truck. Nothing really had sunk in until I got to the stores that were open. All I heard that morning was the violence that people wanted to do to "any towel-head" they could get their hands on. The men at the convenience stores, my brother, even the mild mannered old ladies behind the counter were ready for a lynching. And then I got to Benzie. The remaining vacationers were talking around the tables at Sundance as though it were a funeral parlor. The 15 people crammed into the little shop all knew someone who was in the building, should have been in the building or were working, driving, going to school by those buildings. And for most of them their lives were never going to be the same.

Even though we were compatriots of the arts and that particular roast of coffee and had socialized for the better part of my best Summer delivering papers, I felt like an outsider... an intruder. Their loss was personal. There were birthday parties that they would never get to go to. There were graduations and weddings that these people were never going to attend. The smile that welcomed them at the door was gone forever. And all that was taken from me was a sense of sureity. And a false sense at that.

Ten years ago my life was very diffferent. But 9/11 did not change that at all. It changed because of the choices that I and the people in my life made. Choices that made serious complications. Complications that made for copious amounts of grief which time has only compounded as I am now a month from the 6th anniversary of my father's death. I am too far removed in time and connection from the principal players in those events to feel like it is a grief to share. And I feel a little guilty and ashamed when I try to share. I feel like a gate crasher.

I would hope that as time passes peace will find its way through the pain for all those involved. And I hope that they know those we grieve with them mean well, like Mr. Lightfoot with his song. But I also hope that they will understand that some of us chose not to throw our hats in because we do not want to be the weight of a milestone that holds them down. I tend to think that this should be a footnote in our collective history like the war of 1812 or something so as to allow life to come back to these people's lives.

New Blogger....

2011-09-10T21:19:00.001-04:00

Tutorial tonight on how to design a blog. It's gonna take him a while to figure out how this all works. It took me close to a month to get familiar enough with this thing to not want to murder designers and computer geeks alike. So when he says "It shouldn't take long to set up.".... I chuckle. Guffaw. Choke on my soda laughing.... on the inside.

Eureka! Not the show... the exclamtory remark

2011-09-06T16:29:00.000-04:00

I think I figured out why I like schlager music so much...
musically most of it is the stuff I listened to as a kid, standards, doo-wop and the stuff mom would have heard at her prom. You guys would know it best as the Stuff Marty McFly would have listened to at his Moms Prom in 1955. I get a hankering for the old stuff once in a while. But the songs are old and I am tired of the lyrics. This is paralel universe stuff... and yes once in a while you get some American stuff, Cat Stevens, Pat Boone and Roger Whittaker. But for the most part it is new to me kind of stuff that feels familiar.
Imagine, if you will, a world in which the Doors and the rest of the pychedelic bands never made it to the mainstream. Imagine mainstream pop music is not the Beattles but maybe the Four Freshmen. I may not be making a case for schlager too appealing. Its just a connection that I find fascinating.

Schlager is not really as tired as I might make it sound. Periodically it gets infused with new energy with Konstantine Wecker (Billy Joel) and Matthias Reim (Sting and Huey Lewis). Roalnd Kaiser is like the Hary Connick Jr or Michael Buble over there. Its all great stuff even if it isn't the Pink, Beyonce, Gaga stuff American music is. And the fact that I get blind sided once in a while by the scrap the kids are listening to these days may be EXACTLY why my ears are on German radio.

I don't know for sure.... I'm just musing.

got excited and made something

2011-09-05T18:27:00.003-04:00

OK... so i know I said i was going to blog about my gaming. And I know I was supposed to talk about things that I got excited abut and made... AWHILE AGO. I know. But I have been busy. Summer in the Hotel is busy here. And I have spent a lot of the Summer making things. But I don't know if all of it counts... cause most of it is cut-n-paste. Or drag-n-click. But still its my vision come to life. And some of what I have been making is an ass of myself. I think I totally fucked up something that I wanted to make. But we'll see. I think there is something salvageable if I spring some totally Captain Jack Savvy on the project. Cryptic yes... but the intro is supposed to be so you will keep reading. So KEEP READING!!!

Gaming:
Technically the world I am playing in is not a game. We use avatars, there are places to explore, things to collect, and while there is not any WoW or Warlords of K'aaa things happening the whole thing is animated and has the "live action" limitations of the real world. It is billed as a social center. True story. But there is so much more to it. But at its basic "game play level" it is like playing Barbies, Paper Dolls or Dress Up. Sometimes Barbie plays with Ken and sometimes with G. I. Joe. And.... Barbie gets a cool house. I'm sorry if that offends anyone who "plays" or who created the "game". Essentially that is exactly what we are doing. And yes... sometimes I want to take my things and go home. But i am absolutely fascinated with the part of the game that was so appealing to me playing Paper Dolls and Barbies as a kid: I may be an Interior Designer after all. In my game I am building a Castle.

Enter Erholsam Schloss:

This is the view from the entry. You can see the brick walls and the marble floors which establish the coolness and the hardness of a fortress. But to soften it up some of the walls and the carpeted platform are wrapped in a warm red tapestry. Dark blue granite beams and borders frame each area. The Middle Ages Castle theme continues with the Templar Shields and Armored Suit.

You know you've walked into a fortress of some sort. Rather than name it Fortress of Solitude, which would have been a bit on the nose, Erholsam Schloss means Restful castle. This is where I go to be by myself. And after yesterday... I think that might have been the best call I could make. But I digress: after working on this place for a few weeks the view from the front room looks like this:

Immediately to the left of the entry is the Palme Garten leading into the sitting area. The garden's water feature is a fountain with a custom texture and animated water globe. The dog is not yet animated, sadly. The seating area needs work. Schwerin castle appears in portrait and flanked by two shields. The sitting area is where the puns happen...

My favorite thing when you walk in is the view over the door into the kitchen and dance area. I am trying to look at the props less literally so that I can make better creative choices. As much as I like this place to hide out in, it is my learning place. And the best thing about my schloss is through this door...

This balcony was rescaled to hold a rescaled version of a clock on the street of Virtual Vancouver. Rose vines, applied as etchings on the blue granite wall soften some of the hard edges. And through this door the real magic happens.

The kitchen needs some work. The prop menu selection is rather limited and the appliances I want to see are not there. So I think that means I will have to treat it like a bar. I just wish there was an authentic Italian styled espresso machine with the whole steam punk tank thing. You know me, I'd rather hang in a coffee bar than a regular bar. But I love the dining area. The window was replaced with a custom sign. Candles are custom and animated and the water feature on the table mimics the feature in the garden from the other room.

Colors pulled from he tapestry pattern are not as limiting as it would seem. The harlequin tile and natural marble leave a place for the eyes to rest. I covered the plain windows with a stained glass from the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona Spain. It was designed by Gaudia. If you have never been you should totally go. It is magic all by itself. And be prepared... its been more than a hundred years in the making.

Palm theme is carried through with the details on the dining furniture. The artwork on the wall is a collection of venetian masks. The connection to the whole German castle theme is not going to be obvious to anyone who is not a Reim fan. He has a song called "Maskenball" that talks about the masks that we wear in relationships and how wearing the wrong face can really fuck things up.... if I understand the song correctly. Anyway, it came on my YouTube play list while I was trying to figure out how to fill the walls. It seemed perfect. And I found so many that took my breath away. Wow!

This next shot is what I am most proud of. I decided to suck up my courage and just play with the prop editor. After all there is always the delete button. So since I wanted to enliven the space and bring a bit of whimsy into what could be a very static environment I made a dance floor. The floor itself is Mayan glyph tile from www.grsites.com and above it.... my interpretation of Holst's planets.

This is me in my gypsy skirt and suede top dancing on the glyph floor. The planets spin above the dancers.

Each sphere spins at its own rate as they hang from an inverted street lamp. There are globes spinning independently of the post. In the background you can see another of the Sagrada windows flanked by two torches animated with bright flames. Under the window is a shelf with a custom texture. If you click on the shelf you can listen to SWR4 out of Baden-Wurttemberg. And if you take a closer look, you will see that the photos make a bit of a shrine to Matthias Reim.... whom I am delighted to say is getting the airplay that he so richly deserves.

Which I find hilarious. My friend @starstuff on twitter was teasing me that I was "15 years too late" because the Matthias Reim fan-train had left the station, "they don't play him on the radio anymore". I told her that he was too good to stay quiet for long. Within the year the new CD comes out and he is headlong down the comeback trail. He is now everywhere on TV and radio. He won't be the only one. I am hearing lots of familiar voices here.

But again... I digress. At any rate. This may all seem really easy to the computer geeks. And it is child splay for my friends who are here and have made adjustments to there homes. But this is a huge thing for me. To invest so many hours of time learning the system and figuring out what works for me and what doesn't. Last night my friend Dominick came over for a tour. He's had an avatar here for years and told me that he didn't know that you could make things spin like that. He was impressed. And honestly, even though it is "tooting my own horn".... I'm awfully damn impressed with myself.

www.grsites.com totally made this possible. Of course if it were not for DreamSpirit I would not have gone there in the first place. All of my friends there have given my lots of ideas... just the way life is supposed to work.

ART: the watercolors had been coming quick for a long time. But then the busy season finally kicked in and I couldn't find the temperament to sit and paint. And what is done I couldn't get photographed. So the one thing that I have done this Summer that sounds really stupid given the finances, but will let me take full advantage of www.moo.com is to buy a digital camera. Yea Office Max! Yea Labor Day sale!!!!!

So now I will have to learn how that one works. It doesn't have a lithium battery which is a concern. I do not know how long AA batteries will last in this thing. I think I will have to invest in a battery charger. Because this thing will take pics like Michelle's camera does. So THAT means better photo... BETTER print.... BEST chance to sell print material. Woooo Hoooooo!!!!!

That also means that I can keep my promise to show you guys the city that I live in. Since I will be leaving within the next year, I am going to want to do a scrapbook feature of Traverse. I have regretted not doing so and I still live here. Plus.... James' Dresden pictures are just fabulous. And there is no reason not to clelebrate the town that you live in. In the long run, it makes it easier to live somewhere when you remember to appreciate it.

Mangoes: not a colorful metaphor

2011-08-23T09:06:00.000-04:00

There are days when I am so dense that I wonder how I am still a card carrying member of Geekhood. Maybe it is because I do not have a problem rolling up my sleeves and just doing something... you know that whole learning thing. So today I see a little something special when I opened a tab to come here and see what has been going on with Blogger. or more specifically, my blog. And low what do I find? A little picture of a close up of my mangoes painting. What?!

Yep. My mangoes. How did that get there?
Then I remembered that about two weeks ago I was on Blogger Buzz and saw that they rolled out a favicon thingy for us to use. What is a favicon? I do not know exactly. I'm guessing its a class of word that the kids are using these days... a contraction noun of favorite+icon. Which I guess doesn't sound so ridiculous as it might if I were a 100 years old. And I was not sure what I needed it for. But apparently absolutely everyone needs one because absolutely every hardcore Blog-geek asked Blogger for one. So they made an app for that.* And since it didn't look too hard to do I made one.

Then I spent about 4 hours hunting all over my blog for it. I thought it was supposed to appear in the navbar header (that's navigation+bar) on Blogger but it wasn't there. Then I thought well tab must mean the non manila folder tab emulating tab across the very top of my screen. But it wasn't there. Frustrated, I scoured the forums to see if everyone else was having a problem. Some people were. Mostly the issue was being blamed on the browser being used so I just chalked it up to the Internet being cantankerous. And I moved on.

So this morning I see it. Whoo Hoo! And now while I am on the page, drafting this post to you all and wondering how stupid this is going to make me look, I glanced at the tab that tells me which of the 3 pages I have open I am working on for a glance at my pretty mangoes and guess what..... its just the plain old boring blogger favicon. WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So guess where all of us non-genius geniuses went wrong. Yep. We really did not know what we were doing. We did what Blogger told us our peers were doing. We didn't screw up our 'puters or set the world on fire so we did it. And nothing bad happened. Nothing happened that we noticed because we were all looking in the wrong spot for the wrong thing!!!!!

D'oh!

But then we all learned something. So in the end it was fine. And now I rest a little easy knowing that all of you followers can see my mangoes** in your blog list just like I see uncle Wil's cartoon face in mine. And it makes me happy even though I know I am the only one in love with that particular painting.

*Totally made an assumption there. But its probably fairly accurate since that is the only reason 80% of the things were use and love gets made.
**mangoes: a colorful painting by me. Not a colorful metaphor for outside mommy parts. :p

Papa Gene Blues

2011-08-19T17:25:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Gene Roddenberry!
I wish you were still here. I am sad to think that your vision may have died with you.

There is so much that the world has now that can be directly and indirectly attributed to his vision of a future that almost all of us wants. All of us except the people who are trying to bankrupt the entire planet and not just America, that is. And who knows. Maybe the only way to get to his future is through some kind of socio-economic calamity that no one could possibly foresee. His world needed a third world war and genetic holocaust to teach us how valuable we each are and thus give way to that nifty Next Gen world that I want to live in. So maybe the economic KABOOM! is better. Hey... at least I am thinking positively for once.

It isn't the nifty gadgets aboard ship or the fact that food replicators allow coffee to be served on any deck any given time of day. And it isn't even the fact that it only takes a few hours at Warp speed to get any where of interest outside of the Van Allen Belt. It is the concept that we have zero borders on Earth. Terra Firma belongs to all of us and whatever interests we have are easily shared. It is the idea that we care about preserving every one's traditions in the private sector. Paris will always be Paris. Which means EMI can suck it and in Roddenberry's world I can have whatever music I want when ever I want it. I think that a bunch of copyright attorney's just had mini strokes. :D But I digress....

In Roddenberry's future we get to go out and see what is there is an instead of colonizing without thought to others and under the assumption that the Terran Way is the only way. Other cultures are preserved. They are added to our own. We expand ourselves and we all grow together.

Facile? Impossible? Naive? Maybe. But it is something that we can strive for and one man gave us a blueprint of our species better than we have been. Even today we assume there is only one way to do a thing... the American Way. Or the capitalist way. And that makes everyone else with ideas a little pissy. We don't quite have the vision anymore. In the 60s we were united on the thought that there was something to reach for beyond the atmosphere. Today we have a fractured vision. And I won't even waste our time degrading idiot political biases that doomed our space program. I'll just say we need to renew our vision. To remember the future that we have yet to achieve and go for it.

And there is no better day to think on such things than Papa Gene's birthday.

Solution to Yesterday's puzzler

2011-08-16T15:47:00.000-04:00

So it turns out, as a co-worker told me later in the day, I just do not know how to take a complement.

While in MAAAAAANNNNNNYYYYY!!!!! instances that is true since I shrink from attention like someone leveled a phaser at me. But really? I guess its flattering. But it is still creepy. And I loathe the next full moon.

Co-worker in question has sound judgement most days of the week. And co-worker would not steer me wrong for anything. So I guess its also just going to be one of those things that falls under the heading of "Standing on the Corner Watchin' All the Girls Go By." It was not creepy back in the day. In this age of freedom following the Gloria Steinem revolution of 40 years ago Dean Martin really could get arrested for what he was thinking.

And the dumpy little kid that couldn't get noticed if she set herself on fire wants to know what the big deal is. I mean really. Is it such a crime to let a girl know you're kinda into her?

Ladies, take your complements when you can get them and be grateful that you can turn a head or too. I'm glad to know that I've got my groove back cause I was seriously wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
Gentlemen... I guess the lesson in this bit of FM weirdness is this: If you're appreciative of a woman's presence don't be so creepy about it. Find a polite way to let her know or keep it to yourself. ESPECIALLY give nrecent events in New York City with former leaders of the IMF.

BTW: does the fact that IMF also stands for Impossible Missions Force throw anyone else when they bring it up? Maybe it's just me. But still... guys.... DON'T BE A CREEP!

2011-08-15T17:19:00.001-04:00

There is a weird thing that happens to me. I tend to think that it is a geek thing and not a plain old people thing. And then I think well maybe its just an Aquarius thing. And I don't really know if it is a regular people thing or just a typical Sherry thing. * It's just this thing that happens with me that I think does happen with other people. And it begins with my self image. We won't confuse that with self esteem because that is different. Self image is the way that you see yourself, it is how realistic you are about your appearance. I think most days I am balanced in my estimation of myself.

I'm 5 feet 8inches, nearly 6 feet in the right heels. I have calico colored hair, as I have said before. Every color except black blends itself in creative ways on my head with the beginnings of a Rogue** white stripe in my bangs. My face is very Germanic, I have a permanent blush because of rosacae, a long oval face with a Jewish nose and heavy Jewish eyelids. My eyes change from blue to green and somewhere in between depending on what color my clothes are. I'm rather round everywhere since I am a bit overweight... 40 pounds give or take, depending on what medical guidelines you go with. I'm rather kinda plain I think. I know I have really nice legs, when I am thinner and running my ass off with work they get all Barbie like. And some days, when I'm not bloated I can be said to have a pretty face. I'm no super model. I especially do not look like a supermodel in my work uniform. So when I get attention from men it always puzzles me.

I describe myself here with adjectives that are nouns. I am an artist, a jewelery designer, a foodie, a writer, I am an empath. I'm just me. But I have been getting a lot of attention from men recently. In most cases it is very flattering. I do find it odd that I find men who are not my boyfriend staring at me more than I find my boyfriend staring at me. But I might not be looking at him at the right time. So no crying foul on him...

It's the rare cases where I do not feel the slightest bit flattered that I am thinking about today. See the other thing about me is that I'm a smart ass with people I am comfortable with... especially our maintenance man and general manager, and executive housekeeper. I'm uber comfortable with being a smart ass around my brother and a couple of choice friends. But for the most part I am not the "perky cheerleader" type. I'm not really the "sexy librarian" type. I do not laugh coquettishly at every lame ass thing that a man says to keep his attention though I laugh like a horse's ass when he is being genuinely funny. I'm just not the kind of girl that gets a lot of attention. I guess. So I'm just being me. I'm doing my job and the job requires an amount of sincerity that, in desperate times, can be construed as something more than "chick doing her job."

So I get a call that a guest needs extra blankets. Totally normal. Front desk runs me upstairs. I go. Guests always want something more so no big surprise there either. And I get to the door. A guy answers in just jeans. Again... pretty normal. So, just like I always do, I ask, "Do you need anything else tonight?"
He finishes the top down visual inspection that was already making me uncomfortable. Then he focuses his gaze on my boobs. Then on my crotch then looks back at my face and says "Nothing that I feel right in asking for."
I had felt like I was being checked out. And in that 30 nanosecond conversation in my head I managed to tell myself that it was imagination and he was probably one of those guys who just can not look a woman in the eye. When I realized I had been hit on, I just chuckled and walked away with a lilting (which I could have shot my self for) "Have a good night." and barreled down the corridor at Warp 1. Yikes!!!!!!!!

When I got back to the safety of my station I breathed a sigh of relief. What makes a guy say something so inappropriate? On the one hand I could be flattered. That has never happened to me before in the hotel. It's happened on line. Of course I always quesion the validity of any compliment given me on line. And in the course of my 25 years of work experience I have had a few co-workers express an appriciation for my form. But mostly everyone loves my art and my sense of humor. On super rare ocassions my prowess with Star trek trivia has gotten me the rapt attention of a boy at work. It was a little confusing. I don't think of myself in those terms even while in a relationship. So being confronted with the obvious oggling was a little strange.

Stranger still is that I went to a room a few minutes later to make up a sofa bed for a family and essentially the same thing happened when mom took the little one to the bathroom for a tubby. What kind of an idiot hits on the housekeeper with the wife in the next room? oh yeah... Arnold. Well trust me this guy was no Schwartzenegger. Not ugly. Kinda my type. But still... no one you take a chance on. So what was he thinking?

Seriously. What was he thinking? Someone tell me. Because I do not get it. You proposition the Gretchen Bundschens and the Elle MacPhearsons of the world. Not the weird little gypsy wannabe housekeepers who by all rights should walk around wearing a drndl to make my extra weight look normal if not part of the show.

I just don't get it. And maybe I will never understand how guys think. Maybe it isn't even about how guys think. Maybe this is about me learning how to see myself differently so that I can make some changes that are good for me. And maybe this is showing me that I do not want to be sucked into somehting that is not good for me. Though it is hard to imagine getting sucked into something that creepy.

*I think that is the first time I mention myself by name. That to me sounds weird too. But again...
**Rogue, coincidentally is my favorite Marvel girl. Kinda even out ranks Storm.

Well.... what can i say?

2011-08-11T17:52:00.001-04:00

I have a lot of things running around my head right now. One of them is relationship-centric. One is work-centric. One is a convoluted melange of angst.

ONE: I know a lot of people with relationship issues right now. And most of them stem from a failure to understand boundaries. There is a reason that you set them up BEFORE you get into a relationship. That reason is solely for your protection. Yes. Your protection. Because people who love you are people and sometimes do not know that they can hurt you and will hurt you without even trying. Love is not an absence of hurt but an abundance of forgiveness. But you have to know your limits. You have to know when forgiveness means letting the person go and when it means letting the issue go. Problem with people is that they are people. They have egos. While many would say that a boundary is a great thing to have to keep their loved ones safe from Time Bandits, Emotional Vampires, Money Grubbers, and that select group of individuals we like to call Users or Scrubs, those same people take offense that you need to have a boundary for them. You know because its like you called them User, Scrub, Grubber, Vampire or Bandit.

But the thing about knowing what your limits are and where you are going to draw the line BEFORE you get there is that you can be flexible with those lines when the situation permits or is wise. The other thing with boundaries is that it is true that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. But I know a lot of Ganders right now that seem to think that a personal boundary that keeps them from taking what they is an insult. And they act hurt, angry, sad, and indignant all while sniping and biting at anyone who would dare to look cross-eyed at their own boundaries.

I hang my head and shake it with resolute frustration that the Ganders don't get it and the Geese then decide to abandon their boundaries to keep the Gander. Ladies and Geese: Let your Gander go. Men and Ganders: your ego is not the target of attack. It is not always about you being insulted. Sometimes its just about her staying emotionally healthy. No matter how much you love someone it is not healthy to spend every waking minute thinking about your partner and waiting for him to call. Her every free minute is not for you and you alone. Some of those minutes belong to God. Some of those minutes belong to her. And it is for your own safety that you should respect those boundaries. And yes, my relationship can think this post reflects on him. But its all the guys. I heard a lot of hurt at work today and saw some pretty damaging things happen among our guests that make me think being single is a good idea.

None of us means to hurt someone. It just happens when we forget emotional health. The woman who is always on for everyone else drains her batteries and becomes useless after time. The man who is always guarded pushes people away without meaning to because the special people do not feel special. The man who has no boundaries feels constantly used. The woman with too many boundaries becomes cold no matter how warm the touch.

Flexibility people. Have the boundaries but do not build walls. It took 28 years for the Berlin wall to come down... but some of you do not have the luxury of that kind of time.

ONE MORE: I am looking for a place to live again. I do not know how long I will have steady work. I worry about producing more art and getting the quality photos. I do not worry about selling them. I am having great feed back from my www.moo.com order. I am concerned about a friend at work. I am worried about a Smiling Face with Malice in her Eyes. I am fearful for my family and the conflicts they are enduring right now. I am sad for a special pet who is not doing well. And I have, against every promise I made to myself, fallen in love with an adorable and mutually adoring cat. Wintry Hounds are at my door and it is still part of a balmy Summer. Another friend at work is having trouble with some trust issues. Unfortunately those issues have to do with me and my Accidental Big Mouth and my own Frosty Barrier. There is mild conflict all around me and add that to the potent blend of conflict in the home and you have one very sad Aqaurius that can't find a hug to save her life or anyone else's.

LAST ONE: The work conflict has been building and building. And part of it is me. I work hard and I can not let go of the insults, attacks and outright lies very well. My fellow Aquarians will attest that TRUTH, big truth, little truth, personal truth and the Great Cosmic Truths are the Uberall. And when the truth is not told I want to do unspeakable things in my defense that would make Hannibal blush (Lector not the Elephant Over the Mountains Dude)... 'case you were wondering.) Darkside Aquarius thinking. All in all it is quite a roller coaster in the bowels of our little ship.

So today, as I was getting the run down from the weekly meeting that pertains to where I fall short of the glory of someone other than God, I was actually quite heartened by some news that gives me courage to keep putting on a brave face: my manager was actually considering me for Employee of the Month. It will go to the new maintenance guy. And I guess rightly so. I mean I thought like she did that part-timers were not eligible. So kudos to him. And kudos to me when it happens. I thought that a snow cone had a better shot of an after life in Hell than I did of getting even a nomination. So I am very glad that she thought of me. And while we have been taught to think it a trite and falsely humble thing to say by all the award shows... I really am grateful to have been nominated, even if only in her heart. I felt so much better about things today that the rest of the afternoon was far more productive than it should have been given the way I kept getting called away to do other things.

When I was in High School

2011-08-08T14:54:00.000-04:00

I know, we hated it when our parents did it to us. So why am I doing that to you? I guess because that is one of the things that we do... we learn and we pass the knowing on to others. And the best part is that age doesn't matter. So here we go... into the Wayback Machine, Sherman!

When I was in High School we got a new superintendent that made a huge difference in the way the student body behaved toward one another. And there were new resources available to the students for support. One of those resources was the peer support group that was started by our guidance counselor. I do not know how many people were in it all together because we ended up dividing into cell groups very quickly. I guess everybody had problems and a lot of people felt like talking about them.

The biggest benefit to the group, aside from finding common ground and melting some of the clique-barriers that were established in middle school, is that we were able to voice our thoughts and find a way to ground ourselves to reality. And in many cases it helped to define life goals wether they had anything to do with college or not. I know a lot of serious issues were dealt with. And a lot of frivolous ones too. Mostly what I remember is this:

1. It was safe. I never had anything leave the room and get spread around the school. And no one judged me for what I said. If I felt like there was a target on my back, we discussed it and explored options. Sometimes it was just my programmed paranoia and sometimes we found that I was not nearly as concerned as I should have been. My body issues and confusion about being a tomboy, not even a gender identity crisis, just a crisis over the line I drew in my comfort zone, were not condemned either. I liked that kind of unconditional care. Liked giving it. Liked receiving it.

The lack of judgement really was the key for me. No one told me I was crazy not to go to college; not to use my art to get by. My choices were supported. My dreams were held and cherished. Like I said- safe.

2. Boundaries were learned and respected. I forgot until a conversation with a friend to day that we did discuss that. We had handouts. I practiced it. But the only safe place to have boundaries was in the group session. It was not safe at home. Unfortunately I think that is far more common a thing than any of us really know. There is so much pressure to be what our parents were not that we feel an obligation to fill their shoes instead of our own. If you have parents who want you to be you and not them go hug them... right now. And say thank you.

3. Encouragement. I know that I got to stretch my empathy muscles in group. Of course I was not perfect. It took a long time to learn to find the right words. And with my best friend I often made mistakes trying to protect her by encouraging her to camoflague rather than boldly be herself. Thankfully I do not think I did any permanent damage to her though I did manage to damage our friendship with my clumsy, ham-handed tomboy ways. I've been, as I have alluded, in a RPG for a while now. I wanted Felicia Day's Guild experience. And I am finding it. But I am finding something else out about myself.

Encouragement is what I do best. I am one of those people that loves everyone for their flaws as well as their slight perfections (not a typo). Today I had a few minutes to catch up with a friend across the pond. He started out hitting on me cause I said "Heissenberg". But now he is being real and down-to-earth. And I think will realize that I am not the future girlfriend he is looking for. But I am what everyone needs wether they will admit it or not.... someone safe to talk to who doesn't care what kind of car, clothes or house you have. I genuinely want everyone to be happy. And that ultimately means being yourself... who ever that is.

That i think is my mission on this planet. And I think that it is my mission online too. I seem to get in to these conversations a lot. Feels pretty good to be the one to tell someone to keep their chin up, feet on the ground but reaching for the stars. And the more I encourage others the better I feel about myself. This must mean something. It probably does not mean that I will make loads of cash this way. But it does mean that the more I tell others this, the more I encourage myself and eventually I will bust out of the rut that I am in on a personal level.

It may actually be the only way to vanquish the fear that immobilizes me.

And now.... a nap.

Like I said, When I was in High School. I'm older now and not really able to sustain that adrenaline powerhouse like I did at 18. ;)

It's Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-08T10:56:00.001-04:00

My order from www.moo.com came in. Woot!s to me. Oh it is soooooo nice!!!

Nice is such a poor choice for how awesome this package is. The card stock for the business cards is nice and smooth and really made my so so photography pretty good. Some of the color was a nudge off of what my screen showed. Nothing disfiguring, so I can live with it. Unlike in the old days when a nudge was like shifting to a different color in the spectrum... this is pretty cool. Some of the cool temp pics came out a little warm but like I said... nothing disfiguring. And just TOTALLY IMPRESSIVE.

And I do not say so myself. Think about this. A standard business card is one side of print. That leaves the backside for people to do what people do... rummage in the purse or wallet for a scrap of paper to make a note about appointments, a book, and NPR segment or part of a grocery list then... when said task is accomplished it hits the trash because your business suddenly became the to do list. Your business message was superseded by the IMMEDIATE need of your potential client. BUT the moo.com card has your art on front and your info on back. YOU get both sides of YOUR card. There is no option but to be "top of mind" every time your potential client looks at that card. HOW COOL IS THAT?

I am thinking very specifically of my friend Kathy. Her husband is an excellent chef and they produce organic specialty foods at www.foodforthought.net. [My personal recommendation is the Lavender Blueberry preserve for the sweet tooth and Wild leek relish for a tangy kick on savory dishes. But that is my bias]. So how cool would it be to do a kitchen still shot of a plate of his food with the jar of ingredients next to it for the front of the card with all their contact info on back? The concept would work for any business really. I think maybe especially the service industries.

Landscaper? How about a still shot of you at work? House painter? Again a still of your hand on the brush. Do you restore furniture or watches or the like? Split the front of the card with before and after shots. I envision a close up of some trim work on a Biedermeier chair for instance. Ooohh... upholstery..... sorry thinking out loud there.

Really it is a concept who's time has come. And technology makes it possible. I love the future. Sad that I do not have a jet pack or land speeder. But the future is looking pretty bright right now because of all the wonderful things we can do together. This is a European based business with affiliates in the USA... even cooler still.

So just a thought there for you guys to ponder. And again... this is all because someone in England www.aquamarineart.blogspot.com got excited about what she does and made things then posted on her blog. So that all of us around the world who read her and share her passions could get excited and make things.

Life is about getting excited and making things. Period.

Vision

2011-08-01T13:49:00.000-04:00

Whatever you call it, second sight, premonitions, angelic messeges or having a direct line to the big guy... there really is no denying that there are people who know things that they shouldn't know. At least that is according to the "normal" people. Some people are just really good at seeing the underlying truths in facial expressions and body language. Some are very intuitive and conencted to the subtleties of that "still small voice". I have no doubts that the people who know things know them. And I have no doubt that those things come from God either directly as in the case of a Burning Bush or through angels and the assortment of divine beings He can dispatch at a moments notice.

I think that because we are not so good at accepting what our "gut" or our "internal voice" is telling us, we rely on things outside of ourselves. This is probably where most of our superstitions come from, how we attribute meaning to things and call them Omens and Portends. We are a superstitious lot. but only because we do not trust ourselves. And its this idea that we get messeges all the time but do not trust them unless they are attached to a something that I find intriguing. I never used to have that problem.

When I was a kid I would spout off about something and scare the Jebus out of my mom. I'm sure there were times that she thought I was possessed. But Gramma, my good, gentle Irish to the core gramma had no trouble calling it a gift and crediting where credit was due. Still, as I got older and we started studying classical myths in class and then began looking at all kinds of belief systems as an artist, I realise that this superstitiousness has given us a rich iconography. There is meaning in just about everything and in many cases those meanings are universal.

Because I am all about relearning to trust my intincts, I am particularly attracted to the Crow. Not only is it a harbinger of the coming Halloween season... a fairly modern attribution. The Crow has a profound meaning in the Omens and Portends category from way back. Crows are carrion birds so they often signal death. Of course the logical mind can point out that the crow, in the case of death, is simply stating the obvious. But the crow, fast and straight as it flies, has been considered a messenger. It is the nearly universal symbol of augury or Future Sight.

Crows are everywhere. Call them Ravens, crows or grackles they are rather interchangeable (though you will make ornithologists cringe). Crows are also unafraid of most people. They are seldom daunted by our tricks to keep them out of fields. A scarecrow is a joke.... I've yet to see one really work. And that, may be the most important messege that can come from a crow. What ever it is that you need to do you should do.

Birds of meaning. Birds of necessity.

Traditionally the crow is a bird of war as much of seeing the far flung effects of action and an ever present reminder that in the end it is not your body that will remain. The dove is a bird of peace and tranquility. A bird of love. And my logical mind has just kicked in a realized that doves are essentially the pretty pigeons and all they do is crap on things and reproduce. Crows clean up the messes made by life.....

Apologies friends... the caffeine has not kicked in yet and my morbidity is in full bloom today. But I also remember that the dove is a bird of hope for after the flood it was the one who did not give up until it found a bit of green. The raven was sent out and it came back to wait for hope to show up. The raven looks for land from a safe spot (think crows nest) rather than go out looking for it.

Hmmm.... metaphors really are imperfect aren't they?

At any rate, I do chose to see the crow as a bird of vision.... the far off shore where landing is safe.

2011-07-29T21:44:00.000-04:00

This is the beginning of the crow series that I mentioned before.

deliciously juicy things...

2011-07-27T17:58:00.001-04:00

So a blog buddy posted about a contest and the listing of things that make you feel juicy and squishy over here www.mymosaiclife.com and I am inspired to add my two bits (inflation! sheesh!) and get all long winded. Again. I know but you guys know how I am and this all comes in spits and spurts.

So you can go the the page link at top for things that make me ridiculously happy that I haven't updated for the warm up. Then you can come back here and continue with the things that have hit me between the eyes, ears, nose, mouth and skin today. All the senses are involved!

SIGHTS: my Cotman watercoulour palette wet and ready to go with a stack of fresh taklon brushes, views of Lake Michigan in any weater/season. And my digital collection of German castles, the collected works of John Singer Sargeant, Maxfield Parrish, Waterhouse; shades of lapis lazuli and greens. And my purple dresses from India... any deep purple really.

ooh and candle light
moonlight

SOUNDS: Sting's voice in Mad About You on the Berlin Symphonicities album, Matthias Reim's voice, Konstantine Wecker's piano playing and the ethnic dance music of India/Egypt/Turkey that makes your hips think that they belong to a belly dancer

TASTE: dark chocolate, Tazo's Passion tea, cold water and a savory spiced dish of meat and noodle or noodle and chees, fresh strawberries and juice runs down your mouth nectarines.

TOUCH: My purple dresses from India; suede, micro fibre or chenille lap blankets; wet grass on bare feet, a neck rub, kitten furrrrrrrrr

moving as music dictates

SMELL: lavendar, freshly brewed espresso, cooking bacon, fresh cut lawn, warm bakery yummies wafting on the morning breeze

yep.... these kinds of things invigorate the blood and get me ready to create. They take down the stress levels and make life all kinds of bearable.

A MacGyverism

2011-07-27T09:33:00.000-04:00

So frustration of all frustrations is having my lap top back and my wrists giving out. I have been to how many stores looking for a cheap little gizmo that will raise it to a comfy angle. Well there are options. But none of them cheap. And when you go looking for a computer accessory you go with a big happy target on your back that just beggggggggggggggggggggggggs for a sales associate to follow you every where. For the low low price of 30.00 to 90.00 you can find something that will angle your lap top to a more comfy angle. NOT!

So...my solution is a 5.00 discontinued, very pretty, 1" 3 ring notebook without paper in it. I am thinking that a 1.5" notebook would be even better. Can you say "Duh!" Boys and girls? I knew you could.

A Crow for Sting

2011-07-27T08:56:00.001-04:00

I got up today thinking that I had to work because I always work on Wednesday. And I was a good little cog in the machine and covered shifts in an emergency so I thought that I would still work with a few hours of over time as my reward. Imagine my surprise when I got to work and found out that I wasn't supposed to be there. Not unusual for things to change and people not tell me. I am after all I am a good little cog in a not so vast corporate machine. But still...

Not complaining at all. I like surprises like that.[EDIT NOTE: The previously posted and currently redacted explaination for my day off needs amending so...As it turned out the problem with my cog in the gear box was not at all a top down thing. I know that we can say I am paranoid. But that was a totally lame Watson maneuver on my part. Total case of a monkey wrench henchman.] So in the grand scheme I am not really too far behind in earnings. And I do have a day for me and my projects that no one knows about. Which means no one can commandeer my free time with demands of their own. And it feels like rain.

It has been so incredibly hot that this cool 68 degree morning feels like a breathe of Heaven. It is the perfect day for painting watercolors at my favorite cafe table with a small collection of my favorite Schlagerkunstlern (German pop music artists). And it is the perfect day for working on the motif that has been in my head before the real fall weather gets here.

Crows.
Not just any old run of the mill "Nevermore" spouting crows or counting crows. But the whimsical "make it your own" stuff that I am leaning to these days. A crow with a pun... ya know cause it bugs the Jeebus out of Old Uncle Willie*. A crow with that "gypsy soothe-sayer familiar" kind of familiarity that may or may not end up wearing a Mr. Clean ear piercing. A crow with uncharacteristic "Don't shoot the messenger" contrition. And a crow for Sting.

So since I skipped all sorts of headaches in learning figure drawing I had to find reference material. And I did. Oodles and oodles of reference material. And I accidentally found the blog most recently added to the list: junipurr. Please go have a look. This is a spectacular print making blog. And I wonder why this person is not designing rubber stamps. I would love to have some of her work to create with. But that is for another post.

So I have decided that the crow theme either means I am looking forward to Fall or feeling murderous... I think I will let the augury tell me which.

*William Shakespeare, the King of Edwardian Puns, absolutely went balistic when he found his writer friends using and in his opinion abusing puns. He said it was the lowest form of humor and only the dull witted relied on them to garner applause.
Kinda the poster boy for one finger accuses another while four point back at you huh?

Not all Sadness

2011-07-26T12:29:00.000-04:00

I know I've seemed a little heavy on the down side of life. Lest you think it is all sadness and sorrow let me tell you that the creative juices are indeed flowing and I have been doing some water colors. I told you about www.moo.com and when the order gets here I will show you how awesome the awesomeness is. And I am still playing with mediaplayer and editing photos to put my own spin on things.

And yes I am still gaming. Though I guess the one thing that I have to say about that experience is that it isn't so much a game so much as it is a virtual life. Now the problem I have with people taking that seriously is that we are all cartoons. We have not very realistic avatars that are deceptively lithe and healthy and do not look like some of us in life. Now... were I not a hearty 180 pounds I would probably look like my avatar. If I knew of a store in real life that encouraged you to come back and make many purchases by giving you free clothing I would dress like my avatar in a heartbeat. And if I could fly, dye my hair the special shade of purple that I found and visit with the click of a mouse any place in the world without getting on a plane and still able to be home before dinner... I so would live in that world. And that is what makes that world a GAME.

Though the game aspect is simply a package for what the site is... networking, social group and dating website. Damn how I wish I had know that there was a chance someone was going to want to date me. What I mostly want to do here is design, dress my avatar and have a better experience playing Barbies than I had with the pushy girls in my neighborhood. And yes, sister, you were one of the pushy girls. Sorry. But there is no "wrong" way to play Barbies.

But I have to say that the design aspect TOTALLY ROCKS MY WORLD. I found out that you can take snap shots of the room that you are in. So I will do that when I finish decorating and show you guys. And OMG! wait til you see the counselor Troi-like hair and gypsy clothes that I found. I am so happy with what I put together yesterday that I don't even mind the fact that I totally WAR FICK the Blaue Frau costume I was making. So in a little while there will be more pics.

In the mean time here is a little something to throw some color on the page. Not your tradional 3 Kings, Drei Ritten are Babylonian archers. I'm all about the colors, the craftsmanship and the amazing

fortitude of the art itself. From a Christian perspective I guess you could argue I am supporting an anti Jesus agenda by posting this. You could say that I am promoting the anti Jewish agenda too. But sometimes art is just about the art. And this is just about the art, the skill, and the longevity of materials that hold up better than some of the stuff we use today. This is from a long dead civilization that fell, ultimately, under the weight of its own arrogance. You know, the kind of thing that others exploit. The craftsman who made this incredible mural worked for his dinner just like the rest of us. And that is who I celebrate in posting... the artist who toils without hope of recognition. He is unknown while his ruler's name continues through time. Just like the rest of us. We are not the rulers and trendsetters here. We are those who toil. We are the cogs in the machine of commerce and policy. No matter what we do we are the foundations of all civilizations. For what would Nebuchaddnezzar have been without his archers to secure victory? He probably would have been somebody else's goat boy. What is any ruler without his people?

We need to celebrate each other's accomplishments. This king is dead just like the artist. But the artists legacy is thousands of years older than the dead king's kingdom and policies... and I like it that way.

The Big Goodbye

2011-07-26T11:49:00.000-04:00

I think in many ways I should not have gone to Borders today. Aside from the commitment to starving this week to cover my purchases, it was an emotional experience that I did not really need to have today. But Borders, asI said, has been my refuge in the storms of the last 15 years. And I needed a refuge. So I went.

There is no bathroom. The cafe is closed and the store is as picked over as a subdivision wide yard slae at 3 pm on a Sunday. It was painful to find bareness in the shelves. The books that I wanted were gone. The items I mentally tagged for Christmas gits were gone. I managed an immersion German course. 10% of 50.00 isn't much but it helped. And I got Sting's live in Berlin; you know, because I can't be in Borders and not buy something of his. But there were coffee stains on the floor everywhere. Cleared shelves moved off to the side. Nothing was in its place in the CD section. The place was... picked over. There is no other description.

The customers were sombre. The staff kept a stiff upper lip but they too were subdued. It felt like a funeral or a wake... or the day after a frat party. It was a great run but now...

Now what? I have only one other interest for which there is an outlet. But it is no refuge. No haven. It is no where to make friends and swap ideas. While the craft industry is not losing ground, Michaels will continue to exist. But it is a solitary place. I will buy supplies there and go off on my own to create. There is no grand discussion of philosophy or art in those aisles.

I was going to take a camera with me and hopefully show you Carl, best in store voice guy ever. And commemorate the secure feeling of being surrounded by stacks of wisdom. I wish that I had not gone in.... so that the memory of the Summer afternoon sun gleaming off of rows of crisp new book spines would be foremost in my mind. It is a loss on top of other losses that saddens me to the core.

But like a pet that passes this is a minor loss. That is what people will tell me because they are not sensitive to the small things that others love. It isn't that they lack care and compassion. It is that in the grand scheme of their perceptions, losing a pet or a bookstore is not the same as losing a child or a spouse of 75 years. Loss is loss. And every life is differnt in the degrees of importance that somethings achieve.

I am single so the loss of those "se ya around" friends is significant. I haven't my own home so the loss of a refuge is significant. And the wealth of information, stimulation and inspiration can not be compared to anything else. I am a geek. It is akin to losing a leg and being a runner before the age of decent prosthetics.

Comic Con 2011

2011-07-25T17:16:00.000-04:00

No I didn't go. Are you kidding me? I live vicariously through Uncle Wil. So the two things I am taking from this year are this: Uncle Wil and Nate finally met (I feel all Miss Pac-man-y all of the sudden) and Nate doesn't want me to have swamp ass.

Sequel to You've Got Mail

2011-07-23T20:58:00.000-04:00

Well it looks like the Big Box Store that ate the Shop Around the Corner couldn't keep itself alive. We all fought liking the Big Box Store with its espresso bar and deep discounts. We were going to stay loyal to our Horizon. But even after the internal debates and protestations even the loyalists had to admit that there were things that Horizon could not do like Borders could. I do not know how you guys feel about Borders Books and Music closing its doors. I don't even know if all of you have a Borders. But its loss is significant to me. For the past 15 years that Borders has been here it has been my home and haven.

I was not going to like Borders, as I said. But Michelle, far more worldly than I, reminded me that both stores had something to offer for each person. And what Borders had that I wanted was the clip art books that would allow me some creative freedom and a snap shot of art history that I did not already have. And that did me in. Borders had everything. Everything that I ever wanted out of Waldenbooks was there without the Walden limitations.

And it had coffee. Books and caffeine... my primary addictions. The Borders cafe hosted local art for a long time. And it was away from the maddening crowds that drive locals away from Downtown in the Summer, close parking and best of all, a great ambience.

I've made friends there. Matt and I meet up every few months and chat about life the universe and everything but books. I took a Latin class there with some of the staff. And whenever I have been upset, happy, sad or grieving I have gone to Borders. I have spent hours there. I found a book written by a woman I do not know who named her characters for my paternal grandparents in which the main character is an artist like me.

Borders is for me magic.

And now that magic is going.

I am sadder than I can say.

Moo Mu Moo

2011-07-18T14:54:00.001-04:00

It looks as though I have found an outlet for Crazy Idea Number Whatever it is. While cruising the blogosphere a couple of days ago I found a site that is remarkably awesome in the User Friendly category. So in accordance with Uncle Hugh's directive to go forth and do what you love and make money doing it... I am investingating a company called http://www.moo.com. I hear good things. And I see great things on the website. No, I am not ditching cafepress. I think that the print on demand thing is great. But I do not have software that is compatible with theirs. So until they have an uploader... i am at the mercy of my funds. But hey.... if you start small with what you have then you have no where to g o but up and forward. Right? Right. So.... greeting cards here we go. Will keep you updated on the progress both here and at the AOG blog. I want to keep these short and fun for the Summer. We can save the heavy postings for the Winter.

Also looking for a great deal on my own digi cam if anyone has any ideas. Boyfriend bought one for us to use on trips. But I need one that goes everywhere with me. Now that I know how this crazy internet thing works, Jane, I want to do short road trips around my area and take random awesome pictures whenever I want to... like last night's thunderstorm.

Added to the Blog Roll....

2011-07-16T16:20:00.000-04:00

The Bloggess. Here's the link http://thebloggess.com/ You have to go there yourself and see why I like this blog so much. Yes, Uncle Wil recommended it. But that is not why I added it.

And as for the infrequent posts.... I've been gaming. The adventures are amazingly personal to me. But they are time consuming. And there are many things I'v composing in draft that are waiting for gobs of uninterruptible time.

So..... another teaser

2011-07-12T12:58:00.000-04:00

Babylonian chimera

I am so happy with this even though it is simple and I think that I could do a much better job with flesh and blood tools than digital ones. I really like this. And it is going into my apartment in the game I started playing.

I had to manipulate the hell out of this to make it my own work. And I have to say, even with the limited fonts in the paint program I am happy with this. I suspect if I had Photoshop I could have played with this for hours... days even, and not been as content. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is give me options.

At any rate... this is sooooooo coool !!!!!!!!!!I know. toot toot. But c'mon. This is the kinda thing that I am talking about when I describe how essential to art it is for me to be a geek. I am totally into ancient civilizations and the trip to the Ishtar gate put the Middle East back on my radar. And... with the techniques that I have learned over the years, this could be an awesome real life work....

I've Been to the Garden

2011-07-11T12:25:00.001-04:00

I am writing a fairly detailed post about some recent gaming exploits that will explain how I got from point A to point G. In the mean time I have to tell you this because it is so freaking cool and geeks are so FREAKING awesome.... I've been to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Obviously not the real ones since they have been in ruins since 2nd century B.C.E. And obviously only an artistic recreation since no one did any watercolors of the thing back then... not like they would have survived anyway. But the coolest part of this virtual garden is that the ishtar gate (which in my uber exuberance I called the Lions gate) was faithfully reproduced...

and for a sample of the art go to the right. I just added a link to Paulo Coehlo's blog. He has a couple of pictures up in the archives. and here is the link to the specific post http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/04/01/babylonian-warriors/ I am glad to have found this blog totally by accident. gotta love the internet.

If the squeee could have been heard by my tour guide, he might have thought he unleashed Aeyisha. As it was... I think my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, might have had a small heart attack. It was fabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my obvious delight got me a tour of some other pretty incredible places.

So what I can say about the virtual world is this: it is made by geeks, for geeks and we rule.

Now serving 501 on the Ledo Deck

2011-07-07T17:47:00.001-04:00

So added to the Summer Stack is Barron's 501 German Verbs, you know... for fun. And Freed's The Servants' Quarters. I wasn't going to do any more book shopping this Summer because the finances need to be wrestled into submission in a Hulk Hogan head locking sort of way. But I really need to understand verbage. By that I do not mean just words. But I really need a good solid refresher on how it is that German verbs play well together. Surprisingly, they do just fine. It's my impatience to better understand the music that is holding me up. I guess this is not an area for multi tasking. And I'm being smarter about my shopping.

While I love hardcover books for the many tricks of feigned indifference they afford, the top shelf pricing is decidedly unaffordable. So the book that cost 24.00 and seemed interesting last Summer has with stood the test of time. It was still here when they busted out the bargain bins. For 4.00 I can be comfortable snoring under a shade tree right before the clouds burst. And unlike a new fangled Kindle.... if I do get an impromptu shower the book affords scant protection and is easily blow dried though not set to factory default. I dare someone with a Kindle to leave it out in the rain...
perhaps in MacArthur Park.

Life is a Zoo

2011-07-05T12:12:00.002-04:00

I do not know under what category this is going to fit. I do not usually write about work stuff. I do not have a geeky job. I do not have an artistic job and frankly folding laundry in any hotel is about as interesting a thing to read about as watching grass grow during a drought. But somethings transcend the norm enough to merit a post. And today certainly has lit the fire of creative prose.

Sometime in the not too distant past, our humble little band of laundresses was asked to assume the mantel of Public Spaces Attendant. In addition to doing the laundry for the hotel and ironing linens for special events, we split our shifts cleaning the lobby, restrooms, fitness center, pool & spa and generally maintaining appearances. And it has been my special joy, of late, to have the Worst Morning Shifts Ever. For the last month I've walked into the public restrooms to find plugged toilets and seat liner confetti strewn about the place like Buggy Bunny had lead a ticker tape parade through the place. And it has been my special Joy of Joys to be far more intimate with our guests than even an Orion slave dancer* would care to be.

You see, before I even put my hand on door handle I knock and announce "housekeeping". I do this in the hopes that any one occupying the bathroom will prevent me from walking in to see a bare ass or dangling appendage hanging our by the urinals. The first time it happened was startlingly inappropriate. I was already in the bathroom and cleaning the urinals when a man walked in and
dropped trou right next to me before I could stammer an "excuse me" and race Han through the Kessel Run**.

Hellllllooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woman cleaning the bathroom who is not your mother/sister/wife/girlfriend/friend with benies/FB/Bf/paid escort/maid!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you people doing!?????????

Our management wants us to maintain a professional atmosphere while still making people feel right at home. I guess we win. It doesn't get any homier than peeing with the door open. But seriously!!!!!!! I have seen so many bare male asses and penises in the last month or so that I am seriously done even being remotely interested in male anatomy. BTW: the boyfriend thanks you for your commemorative "aw man that blows" to which I will snicker "he wishes". And.... as if the barrage of wankers at work is not enough, the good luck follows me everywhere.

The impetus for this ranting post comes from the coffee shop. 24 ounces of German Chocolate mocha can't hang out in my bladder as long as it used to. And there is little warning when the few ounces there want to be let out... like a cat at the butt crack of dawn. So I hopped up... gingerly picked my way through the swarm of patrons who descended on the place. I heard nothing but the snarl of espresso machine and the door was open. In bathroom parlance that means it is "un-occupado" or in the German, ungeschlossen. So as you would expect, all restraint and decorum evaporates under the pressure of an immanent containment leak (wow would that have been putting it mildly), and I burst through the door.

And there is a cute guy peeing!!!!

What the hell??? Was I the guy thousands of years ago who told the municipal governors in Londonium "We don't need no stinkin' public sanitation standards." ??? What the hell did I do in a past life or this one to see this ALL THE TIME!? Uggghhhhhh!!!!!

Sadly, my friends, my life has become a zoo in which the only exhibit is the baboon cage.

Which I guess could be worse. It could be a poop flinging monkey cage.

*its a Trek thing
** 12 parsecs+not enough for escape velocity.

Bad News on the Door Step

2011-07-05T11:10:00.000-04:00

Sadly, we have lost a follower. I don't know what I said yesterday that made our friend leave. But I am kinda sad. I know tastes change happens and sometimes you have to edit a blog reading list because there will never be enough hours in the day to do the fun stuff without getting busted by your boss. Still our little group has held steady at 18 followers for so long. I'd hoped that we would grow our numbers. But that is life.

I made a typo on facebook today. "Finally got my geek groove back" came out Finally got my geek grove back". Of course my friend the English major/ Music Doctor caught it. Funny how those little mistakes reflect so much. When you look at the followers list, you all seem to have been planted there in neat little rows.... rather like a cherry grove. So in a way, having regular access to my blog is like having my grove back... but minus a tree.

I need to think happy thoughts. I hope that she is ok and that she just got bored or busted by an employer and had to trim her blog list. I hate to think that she just got everything deleted because the spectre of death took solid form. Yeah...... I need to think happy thoughts. That is to morbid even for a person descended from the creators of Schadenfreude.

Summer Reading List

2011-07-04T14:03:00.001-04:00

Summer Stack: fiction, foreign language & fun.

So far this Summer's stack is pretty light on serious topics. The only thing missing in here is the Martha Stewart book I told you about. But Summer reading isn't really supposed to be all heavy and heady and junk. Light and airy keeps the gear box from binding with too much information in its teeth.

I really liked The Last Dickens. Much like Stephenson's System of the World, I am reminded that the people that I admire from history aren't pale synopsis of a life lived. These were real people. Sure I didn't much like Newton when I got done with Stephenson. But I don't think that we were supposed to like him. Dickens, with all the historical reference and the wealth of anecdotal information comes to life in this book in ways that help set the rest of his work in a finer context.

Happiest Days of Our Lives is plain old fun. And after the Winter of my discontent, I need all the fun that my meager earnings can provide. Which means borrowed books and revisiting the best of my personal collection. Uncle Wil just makes me happy. Though I will grant that I am responsible for finding my own happiness; its good not to be the only geek in the room.

And yes, those are Romances on the top of the stack. Not for their relative importance in my literary diet but because this was the best composition. I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. I really do think that art is the thing. Kenyon has a series that, for my money, embarrasses the Living Hell out of anything Twighlight can do. It isn't just vampires and werewolves. It is the scope of all mythology. Each Pantheon, much like Stargate, gets a nod. And if that sounds suspiciously ambitious.... that's because it is.

Uncle Hugh.... just in case you missed the post in which I gushed over this book is in here with his Evil Plans along with some good inspirational fun from Lynne Perrella and the folks at Somerset Studio. Just in case you were wondering, the German usage book does discuss the naughty bits. But it is so much more about getting the feel for informality and fitting in than that. Germans like to make friends. But they don't like making friends with posers. Which, I guess, explains every clique on the planet.

Juices are starting to flow in the direction of productivity. Now I just need to get to a place where that can come to fruition.

How Important are Stats?

2011-07-02T19:38:00.000-04:00

Well in the grand scheme of things I guess your own self confidence should be the guiding principle behind your work, whatever the medium. Yet in the sense that it is important to know that you are reaching people outside of your own little world, or perhaps more accurately to know how your world is growing, stats are the benchmarks.

How long have I been able to look at the stats for this little slice of Geekdom? Don't know. I was trying to remember how the who make a page thing works when I noticed the tab. So I click and look. I find several amazing things about what the stas tell me.

Firstly I am getting a lot of traffic from 70Blue's blog here at blogspot. So a big thanks to Blue. This then proves the theory that the way to build a blog is to be a reader and fan of other blogs. Secondly, I am surprised by my audience. I live in the United States so the vast majority of my page views are from here. No surprise. The surprise is that countries number two and three, in order, are Iran and Germany. Really? I think that is the coolest thing so don't misunderstand me. But seriously? Germany gets the bronze? I think we can do better in the cultural pool. For crying out loud... you're my people! But the third thing is that surprising to me is the things you all find so interesting to read. The post about my Abby shoes from last year had the highest number of page views. Shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also see that I need to follow through. I totally forgot about getting pics up for a lot of things and the lists I was going to write seemed pointless to me about halfway through them.... oops.

I like that I can see what is going on with this thing. And even though I get some comments from the people that I write about, it isn't changing how I write. If anything what changes how I write is simply the deisre to be more informative or observant than posting a bunch of ramblings...

Not to say a good ramble is useless. Sometimes the act of chasing down our thoughts provides answers to life's persistant questions and sometimes it just wears you out so you cna sleep. In either case it is like rich dessert... good for a few bites but nothing to make a solid habit of.

So yeah stats!!!!!!!!
Besides, it is really good to know that real people are out there reading this and not just the figments of a wishful mind.

Getting to know you.... getting to know all about you

2011-07-01T21:59:00.001-04:00

I forgot that reformatting a computer means relearning how to navigate the normal, basic functions like... oh I don't know......... setting wallpaper. But finally... wall paper is set... Helllllloooooooo Matthias Reim!

And now, I get to relearn the was last fm works it looks like that is the only way that I am going to hear Matthais Reim unhampered by the idiots at EMI who don't want anyone over here to know who he is. So... just so that everyone knows who he is... I've included a thumbnail.

Celebrate! Celebrate! Dance to the Music!!!

2011-07-01T20:27:00.000-04:00

I have my puter back. What a friggin' relief. I also now have a suitable software for processing documents offline. I do like Google's docs program. But I need to do a lot of things when the mood strikes and it doesn't always strike when I'm online.

It is sooooooo goood to have this thing back in my hands. I can not tell you how awesome I feel about this. And I am not so sure why it matters so much to have it. But I feel like I had my hands cut off for a while. I don't like that feeling.

Best thing... when I went to get it, they were listening to the Star Trek theme music from the last music.

Suhhhhhhhh weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!

IDIOT CORPORATIONS

2011-06-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

In a Global economy there should be no borders. With satelites and the future of technology present in this very moment the OCEAN is not an excuse for unavailability. EMI is stupid for blocking content because I live in a different country than someone who posts a Youtube video. Especially when that video is one of the reasons that I put money I shouldn't spend down on music from a very talented Germany artist. Actually if it were not for youtube videos I wouldn't even know this guy exists because you people all seem to think that there is an insurmountable barrier between continents like its the fucking 1700s and everybody is fleeing Europe like rats from a sinking ship and Revolutionaries threatening to dump tea in every harbor on this side of the pond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [DEEP BREATH] If I had any hope that you'd get it through your thick money grubbing skulls I'd march on your world headquarters... because I'm sure you have one of those... and call you every nasty name in the Klingon dictionary BUT Klingon. Klingons are smarter than you people.
What a bunch of Ferengi!

HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to damn an income stream you idiots.

the spelling mistake is to ensure that you understand I mean to curse you and point out that you are getting in your own way as in a beaver dam in the middle of the mississippi. or in this case the Rhein.

Busy Busy Busy

2011-06-28T15:58:00.001-04:00

Today was productive in at least one sense. I got a watercolor done. Just a little four by four. But it is done. It was a success and I am happy to have an icon to say more than a thousand words on a subject. Its one of those crazy artist things so there won't be further explaination.

Also looking forward to getting a little cooking in. Goulash night at bro's. Of course I am making it. Gotta keep those mad cooking skills up.

Also put in a call for an apartment in the Commons. Well... more precisely Building 50. I have some reservations about living in a funny farm even if its been decades since it has been a functional funny farm. But at the same time the gyspy/Dickens fan in me is dying to get into the place. There is such potential. An art gallery, coffe shop... just incase the apartments aren't WiFi ready, and shops that might welcome a few German pastries..... there are income streams just a few hundred yards away.

The whole low/no income thing has me worried. I want to get in and not have to worry about losing the place when Winter hours hit with the vengence or the North Wind. But worry does nothing but increase worry.

Keep fingers crossed for me peeps.

Seriously Go Look at Michelle Ward's Stuff

2011-06-28T15:37:00.000-04:00

The link is in the bar at the RIGHT! Over there.... somewhere under Uncle Wil's blog link. There. Da druben. No.... there... right.. yep you found it.

Michelle and I worked together more moons ago than I like to remember. I prefer to think it was just a week or so ago that she moved off to the East Coast to embark on her next Big Adventure. Which of course makes me look like a horrible friend for failing to keep in touch but that, as they say, is the fluidity of time. I adore Michelle's work as much as her persona. Everything she loves she loves with everything that she has in her soul. It is an impressive thing... to love that much and be unhampered by the list of "shoulds".

"How cool is that!?", she'd squeal when one of us did something amazing with a rubber stamp, or when a customer made a personal discovery and unlocked that special thing inside themselves that let the art flow and in her own genius. And yes, Michelle is a genius. Though I hear so many use the phrase how cool is that, my first thought is always to her and the awesomeness that oozes from her imagination.

She has a way to make me go "Duh. Why didn't I think of that?" And sometimes she makes my cry with the poignancy of a concept. And longing. She did somethings with silhouettes of Italian architecture that started this whole "go to Germany" thing. I know it is Italian because she talked about where the inspiration came from in her blog. But the way she used them, you'd easily transfer the emotions it evokes to England, Germany, Russia or even India. I transferred all those emotions to Germany.

Her blog is vast in the sense that there is a lot to look at and it takes a few visits to really get the feel for what she is about. But once you are there you will be glad that you went. Michelle is unabashed in her passions and makes no attempt to apologize for being giddy with excitement. And really... how many people do you know right at this moment who are giddy? There is a lot of worry and negativity coursing through the world right now. Michelle's work is a good insulation against it.

GO. GO NOW!!!!!!!!

The heart is uncomplicated

2011-06-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

When I logged in today I thought I was missing a bunch of posts. For some reason I thought it was July and that I was missing half a Summer of posts. I guess that comes from being sleep deprived, sore from head to toe and in a total panic that something I said had been misconstrued. It was misconstrued. And I do not feel the compulsion to correct the interpretation. I do not even have the mental fortitude to perform the gymnastics required to explain that love is love and you can love lots of people on a variety of levels.

I do feel compelled to point out to everyone; file it away to use in your defense later when you find yourself similarly charged, love does not diminish anyone.

I know the concept of diminishing returns is foremost on our minds in these economic times. But that is the beauty of love. It is not economically based. Loving one person to the 4th degree does not prevent you from loving another to the Nth degree. This is true for everyone. And all you Aquarians out there know that is especially true of us. Those of us who have that magnetism that attracts people and pets have so much to dish out that it is sought. No biggie there. Getting the love vibe from an Aquarius as opposed to someone else is similar to the choice to bath in clean water versus muddy water. It's just water in differing degrees.

Of course there are people who don't get that, will get their undies all bunched up and be worried that they've lost status in your life. My mom was one of those exacting people who could not accept being less than first in someones estimation. and no matter where you ranked her yourself, the presence of other people in similar circumstance... my friends parents, for example, always made her feel like she came in 52 right behind Miss Puerto Rico. My sister could get jealous that way and my brother certainly felt like he had been replaced and diminished when I was part of His House in Marquette. But jealousy isn't out issue. It is the jealous person's issue. They have to deal with it.

We do not need to defend our heart's capacity. It does what it is supposed to do. It loves and encourages. It does not recognize stereotypes. It does not hold grudges. It keeps us going when the going gets tough and it sees the truth when others around us would lie. The heart does what it does independent of the head or ego. Unhealthy people make things complicated for their hearts.

My heart is uncomplicated.
It loves its brothers from past lives. It loves its sisters in this one. It loves everyone it went to school with, even with all the crap we put each other through, because they helped to make me the person that I am and still becoming. It loves the music and musicians who continue to teach it to reach for the furthest limits of love and keep giving. It loves its co-workers even when we aren't getting along. It loves its friends who are closer than family. It loves the people who frustrate the head and bruise the ego because it knows that those people are going through crap and do not mean most of the meanness that comes out.

My heart also loves me enough to know when to let the head cut damaging people loose. It loves me enough to know when to let those who can not be part of my life because their crap is more intense than mine lose to protect the love that is there. Love does not diminish. But it can be destroyed. Jealousy. Suspicion. Control. Constriction and the million little ways that a person can cut another prevent love from growing. It does not mature beyond a point. So a relationship won't grow further. When they don't grow they have to be left... like roses in an untended garden. The Gardener is gone so the plants do as they will without the love of the Gardener.

Swiftly Changing Currents

2011-06-11T09:38:00.001-04:00

I find that from one day to the next that I have to ammend my expectations. I now know that I can not count on any money from my fathers estate. I searched through everything that the county had on file and it seems that the house was sold under a non recorded land contract. This means that no funds can be administered until the term of the contract ends. At least 2 years. The worse part of it is that if the new owners default on the contract we have to go through the whole process again. There is no infusion of funds to propel me forward or pull me out of the homeless quagmire I am in.

This means that the likelihood of rooming with a co-worker is losing odds daily. That would have been a challenge all of its own since it would have predicated the demise of my dating relationship. But then the continued homelessness is slowly eroding the relationship anyway. One can not feel the confidence of being fully self-possessed when one can not manage to find a place to live. As the situation contiues he must wonder if I want him or a shower. And after a time, it seems only logical that I will wonder the same. That is not the kind of thing that a person wants to have running aroud their head....

I'll edit this later and finish my thoughts. I am bein called away.

Living in the Past

2011-06-09T11:20:00.000-04:00

Been having some really crazy dreams again the past few weeks. Unfortunately nothing entertaining enough like the leviathan in West Bay to report here. I just find it unsettling and more than a little nerve wracking that I am having only nightmares. Yes there is much stress.

My trip to germany is going to be a long way away. Just in time for my cousins wedding, one of the girls at work is taking the Summer off. She decided on rotator cuff surgery right after i told everyone jamie was getting married. And the estate is unsettled again. ugh. So i guess when ever that pittance comes in that is when i am going.

And I am more than a little sad this week. one of the people who is among my favorites i have encountered in this life is planning to run awayin search of the all might dollar. It has been a pleasure to have him in my life even with the difficulties. And i guess I should just be greatful that we were put together again, that i have had the joy of his smile radiate in my direction and be ever more greatful that in this life time i will not watch him die at the hands of his enemies as my own life blood drains from me. Well... maybe i can guess where those night mares are coming from.

and on that note: mayhap being able to tap into the Akashic record is not the boon to humanity that i have always believed. at best it is a double edged sword. i am glad to have had my big brother from two past lives back. i am glad that i will not watch someone run him through with a sword. But i will be very sad that we could not have that life back and that the time in this life is so short together.

Though it is something of a boon to be able to know why we immediately and so strongly connected with each other. We've missed each other greatly. It's been more than 500 years since we have been together, at least that i remember. In this life he does not believe in the mysterious things that churches denounce so i sound as weird to him as I must to those of you who have never heard of the Akashic record. He can't explain why he is always drawn back to me even when i make him madder than a hatter. But i can. No one is going to seperate us in this life... they tried. and it didn't work. We've spent a lot of time apart. We chose each other as family twice in the scope of our mortal lives. it was a vibrant life together albeit very short. No one would want to deprive themselves of such genial company. And i think that in this life that I may be the only person to love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I suffer no delusions on that part for myself. I have lots of conditions placed on me. But the part that i enjoy the most is that the more we are around each other the more i remember those old lives. I kinda blur them together a bit. But i remember the terror and the joy of living in the middle of turmoil. dark days don't last forever. A smile delivered with kindness and free of expectation soothes so many wounds....

Talk about living in the past! Whew!

Oh the things that you hear....

2011-06-03T17:21:00.000-04:00

I am furiously using my one hour of library time trying to catch up. The first thing I do is pull up my Matthias Reim play list on YouTube. Its 7 hours of reminders of why I love this man and curse the jerk that stole my Cd's from the church parking lot.

I made this list. I know what the songs are. So why, just now, did I just out of my skin for joy when Gibt Dein Herz um Keine Krone came on? I'd forgotten that I rearranged the list last week to reflect the fact that I only get an hour of Matze when I get online.

Keep in mind also that I hate country music. I have no love of Brooks and Dunn, Garth or anyone else. But I absolutely love this song. It's a happy country song. Nothing got lost. No one done somebody wrong. It's just toe tapping advice about not giving your heart away for passing pleasures or to people who don't deserve it. Matze starts out in full on army call voice and just keeps going.

Oooh! Romeo Weint. OMG..... I have to fix my computer. I can not go the whole Summer without the peace that comes from being able to rock, roll or boot scoot with this man. He really, for no discernible reason is able to bring me right out of what ever Angst I've worked myself into and right into reverie......

Hope this Works

2011-05-28T20:47:00.000-04:00

Well of all things fair and foul....
It seems I can only blog in the Blogger in Draft area and not my regular dashboard. Also gone is the ability to track my followers. They do nt appear on my front page. I can link from the dashboard but the page is blank. And the one time it did work they tell me that YouGotCrossed Son is my only friend.

Getting crossed doesn't sound like a positive thing. And right now there are only two bloggers, me and another, who know anything about it and are willing to sqwauck at blogger about it. Man what a pain in the ass.

And with my luck no one will be in for the holiday. So I will continue with my weekend and leave the profound for another time. Got the boyfriend hooked on Sudoku, played some killer bunnies, catching a little Voyage Home on Syfy after watching Big Bang Theory last night. Have some drawing to do later and a few hours to put in at work.... what an insanely dull weekend. But I needed it.

Later I will tell you all about this Summer's reading list. I have to get my but into Borders and have a look around. Our library is woefully understocked with current titles. Not that there is nothing fascinating on the shelf. Its just that I really want to read a couple of books that I heard about from USA Today articles, especially the one about the 80s. Sounds like a fascinating thing to me. And mostly because I want to see if the author got it right because he lived the 80s or if it is really lalme cause he is going by what his parents said.

on pondering

2011-05-24T14:52:00.002-04:00

so i just found another cool blog at Book swept and the following quote showed up. it is from salinger's 9 stories that were published in the 1950s. yeah i thought he only wrote the catcher in the rye. i guess when he died last year the fact that he wrote short stories was too tedious to mention. at any rate here's the quote. what do you think?*

the fact is always obvious much too late, but the most singular difference between happiness and joy is that happiness is a solid and joy is a liquid.

Now what do you think about the collective consciousness? i ask that because as soon as i read it i thought to myself "well duh". then i realized that isn't exactly a duh kind of thing. that is a bit of genius insight. if it was a duh kind of thing we all would mention it in conversations on the subject. but I have always known that kind of thing since i was a kid. so salinger writes a bunch of shorts, a few phrases stick and pretty soon give or take 30 years everyone knows this so well we don't bother with attributes? i think that is probably how it happened. grampa liked salinger. i never read anything but parts of catcher for Mr. Trapp's class. so how would i know joy is a liquid?

and why do i believe that joy is a liquid?

because of how it feels when it envelopes you
because happiness can decay
joy is bliss
joy and bliss transcend location
substance and form
events and occasions

happiness is an emotional carb
joy and bliss is manna

www.bookswept.blogspot.com

*the shift button is not cooperating today. sorry for the weird typography

Ends of Eras

2011-05-23T11:42:00.000-04:00

I haven't watched Oprah in a long time. I have worked when she has been on in my area or I have slept during her time slot when I was self employed. I think that it had probably been 10 years since I have sat down to watch an episode on purpose. I wonder how many viewers she has lost to circumstance that makes her departure a sensible thing. But then who's want to work 48 weeks out of the year?

It's jsut odd that she won't be watercooler talk any more. For as much as I complain about the lack of commonality because there are so many networks the Big three plus Fox are still staples of TV viewers. At least for the next decade... I think.

it used to be Phil Donahue and Oprah. Then it was Oprah and Ellen. Now its just...... nobody.

I read, write, work and all of my information comes distilled from the things that I read. I do not watch news programs. I guess fall out from 9/11. So maybe Oprah is s bit of a casualty there. I just don't have the desire for more information.

More Unsolicited Advice

2011-05-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

Wil most likely be out of the loop for a few weeks. It has little to do with technical difficulties and a lot to do with a pretty heavy project. Monumental doesn't even really begin to describe the scope of the project. And no... it won't make any money. And it isn't artistic. But it is going to help in the long run.

A lot of times we try to build things in our lives without doing the foundational work. You ge the structures built and it looks great on the outside. Looks like its a lot of fun and it feels comfortable to be in. But when the "weather" and the normal daily wear and tear do their thing your "Thing" be it a job, a relationship or whatever you've built for yourself, starts to show the signs of decay. Repairs don't fix the problem and cosmetic fixes don't work. You don't know why this Thing you've built is falling apart. But you keep sinking your time and resources into the Thing to keep it going. Then it totally falls apart and someone comes along and points out that your support beams weren't sufficient to carry the load.

Simple diagnosis. And had the diagnosis come sooner you could have fixed things so much sooner and had a beautiful Thing instead of a pile of rubble. Oops. That's what you get for listening to the "helpful" people who do mean well but don't know what they are talking about. Its like letting a lawyer diagnosis stage 5 cancer and prescribing treatment. A Lawyer knows law, that's what they should stick to. I know. I know. Friends are there to help. And that is true. But they do not always know what is best for us.

Some of the advice I got years ago camefrom people who are very good at running from their issues and pretending that there are no issues so that was their advice. Not sound. Well meaning, but unwise advice nonetheless. Some people I sought advice from just hd no idea that one thing could be connected to another so their words were uhelpful as I was told that issues were in my head. And still there were some advice givers who were so disconnected from life that they could not give good advice. I didn't see that could be true while I was in crisis mode. So I did more damage to myself by expecting more from my friends than they could give and not doing the one thing that I should have done....

I should have sought professional help. I needed a counselor and a support group. I may not have needed meds. I may not have needed extensive treatment. But I did need to talk to someone who knows the process of recovery and who had the tools to deal with the issues. My friends should hve been relied upon to do what friends do best.... love you, hang with you, a hug you while you are working through something difficult [And in the case of Desperate Housewives maybe they should help bury the bodies] not doing the job of trained professionals. I wouldn't even use a friend who is a trained professional for counseling. They are too close to your crap to be as effective as you need them to be.

So I guess what I am saying is this: if you are going through something painful and difficult and life shattering then go to the bar or the beach with your friends and go to the pros for the heavy lifting. I didn't and the repair work now is going to be enormous.

So is the bill.

choices

2011-05-19T17:22:00.000-04:00

Everything in life is about choice. Some times one choice sets a path dead ends somewhere unpleasant. And sometimes one choice will dictate the next couple or the next hundred choices. Some of our choices don't manifest consequences for months or yeras and some choices manifest instantly.

I hope that you all are experiences choices that have bright happy endings and manifest a path of lightness and abundance rather than the myriad options on the rest of the spectrum. As for me, it is hard to say where all of my most recent choices will lead me. But I am hoping that I will continue to reconnect with those that time and space have moved far away. And I am hopeful that the choices will bring the future perfect tense much closer to present perfection....

Have a great day everybody. And try to make someone else's day a bit better.

Because it needs to be said. AGAIN!

2011-05-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

Writing about the painful things in our past has two purposes. The first is to purge it from the soul so that it doesn't keep clogging up everyday life. The second is to let others know who have been in a similar circumstnace that there is an end in sight, there are good things to see in the painful crap and that when healing happens it is so much better than the painful stuff even if it is scary to process.

It is not about name calling. If it was I wouldn't change peoples names or give them nicknames. It isn't about calling anyone out to the general public because if it was I would use real names like Uncle Wil does.

I want to know how far I have come in my life. And I want other people who are experiencing pain to know that there is another side to things. That time really does heal all wounds. But only if you are willing to see your part in things.

If you know who you are in my stories and it doesn't look good for you don't tell others that it is you. YOU called YOU out not me. And when you use my words that are meant for helping other people to continue to wound me then you are doing only yourself a disservice. YOU are showing others that you really have not changed.

And lets be realistic people. My life didn't begin and end with catholic school. I have had many best friends over time. I have had many plots attempt to use me to further their ends or to destroy me because I would not lay down and die for someone's ego. I could be talking about my time in marquette. I could be talking about my time with my art community. Oh and yes i could be talking about high school, middle school or elementary school. But I have always had two lives: in school and out of school. And when I was younger I kept it seperate because I didn't want one to bleed poison into the other. Only the guilty would really know that they have been called out.

keep that in mind the next time you try to recruit people to your side.

or maybe realize that there is no shame in an I'm sorry it (whatever it was) was a silly immature thing to do at (insert number) that age. Or maybe just be glad for the cover of annonimity and leave it alone.

Dislike!!!!!

2011-05-11T14:01:00.000-04:00

I knew I wasn't going to like the new library policy. And Iwas right! can't use the puter without your card. Can't squeeze more than an hour out of the day even if no one else is using the puters and now........ IT KNOWS!!!! NO OVERRIDE!!!! What crap!

You know the idea is to serve the maximum amount of citizens possible. But when those citizens aren't showing up to use the service and someone is here who woul like to use it why not let them??? Damn well better not need to have my library card to use my own puter when I am here. That would seriously piss me off.

Kid Magnet

2011-05-07T15:12:00.000-04:00

I do not know how this happens. It just does. Ever since I was old enough to care for other people's kids I've been a kid magnet. It used to be just animals. Where ever we would go as a family I ended up with a Hamlin trail of pets. Everybody with a "killer" dog would freak out when the dog would take off after my little toddler ass. But the dog always overtook me, ran in front of me and threw itself on the ground legs up til I petted it. And those Demonic Horses that hate even the rider? Angels. I can even ride them reins-free and without using the stirrups. Freaks the trainers out every time.

So its back to being kids again. Some kid at a class party this past Summer (I think I mentioned that) ran up, threw herself on to my lap for a huge hug and sat there until her parents told her that she didn't know me. Didn't seem to matter. This weekend I was at a garage sale with my brother. Same thing.

Little 4 year old girl had been squirming to get off her mom's lap the whole time we were looking over the very sparse and somewhat disappointing offerings. Bro went to pay for his meager purchase and she finally got away from her mom. She ran at me like she had screaming banshees on her heels. Bro saw her coming and just waited to see what would happen. He said she never took her eyes off of me the whole time I was on the property (I had not really noticed her). He eyes never left me the whole time that she was running. When I finally noticed her it was because bro said "Wow you're right." and pointed. She came to a dead stop right in front of me, looked up at me and grinned from ear to ear. I said "hi." and her smile got even bigger.

I don't know what it is. Some little 18 month old did that to me at work the other day. And everywhere I went she followed me. When I took off for the laundry room she screamed until she found someone who would carry her down there. Sucker. I so would have laughed my ass off if she'd suckered the maintenance man into that. What a lark!

I used to say "Geez, too bad I can't get a guy as interested as these dogs (that's what it was at the time) are." Now I'm glad that the Universe didn't decide that was an invitation to one bad joke after the other. Could you imagine if I had a string of panting guys behind me all damn day? How embarrassing. I don't really know how to handle the kids, dogs and horses.

I guess there are worse things. I could have a ton on money and attract nothing but golddiggers.

Who Wants to Know What I Click on @ the Library

2011-05-07T14:54:00.000-04:00

Mr. Atoz would poop his pretty little embroidered robe if he knew what our libraries are doing. Now to use the computer you have to register with your drivers liscense. I know. I know. I know. Who cares? After all the only place I go is youtube to listen to Matze, gmail to write notes that will be completely misunderstood by anyone who is not in my head when I write them, here to entertain or bore you guys to tears and maybe I go poke people on facebook. Big deal.

Well it is a big deal. If Google and Apple can't keep from leaving cookie crumbs on everything that we do then those mysterious 3rd party people with the megalithic data mining brains may one day be called upon by our governement to nark on us for what we write about. I know... so don't have a public blog. Oooh how very Chinese Government Bulldoggy of all of you who thought that. And see... that could get a person in trouble.

I can't help but have Orwellian and Huxley-an nightmares when I hear stuff like this. Because somebody is going to get a bug up there ass after winning a too-close-to-call election and decide that a certain type of person almost cost them their life's dream and use this data mining to go a-hunting. Not cool. Not right. and not fair. And what if someone who won by a landslide would like to go hunting for the "type" of person that their mother always taught them to avoid? Or that their pastor says is the bane of all human existence? And who is going to be the most compliant when it comes to helping these guys on their own personal vendettas?

Public Libraries. Afterall... they are government funded. So technically the government must have evry right in the world to know how its property is being used. Right? Um excuse me...... the government exists in THIS country for the people to allow us to govern ourselves and not be indebted, enslaved or indentured to a societal establishment. I my not have been the best history student in the world. But I know that we were getting pretty sick of the heavy handed way the English nobility lorded their "birthright' over everyone else as if everyone else was just another piece of furniture. And what are we doing now? We are sliding right back into that elitest crap that messed everything up in Europe for a while. And every advantage they can take they do wether they deserve it or not. So if the government which is being run by the people who call the shots in business and politics say that the libraries have to tell them who is using the puters they will tell them. After all who cuts off their nose to spite their face?

and what if someone who doesn't speak German sees all the german music I listen to and decides this little Jew-By-Blood is really a neo nazi? Matze's music is about love and life not death and entropy but will that matter to the next mutton-headed Czar-of-whatever-the-hell-the-government-fears-next? No. Oooh she listens to German music. She's evil. Get 'er boys!

And next comes the censorship.

The Coolest Thing I've Seen on TV in a Long Lonnnnnnnnggggg Time

2011-05-05T12:28:00.001-04:00

http://youtu.be/s7L2PVdrb_8

In the realm of gaming and television magic there is nothing quite equal to this opening title for the HBO show Game of Thrones. We've been watching Camelot which is a great story, with a great retelling so far. And it totally taps into the whole Ancient Emerald Isle vibe with the spirit of austerity that fits the times. Don't get me wrong. There is plenty of hope in Camelot evidenced in its design elements. But it is still spartan. When we sat down to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones this is what sold me.

You can't judge a book by its cover. But you can judge a TV show by its title card. The title seems like a no brainer stupid kind of thing and as such... since it isn't as important as the characters, plot and location, it seems to be treated as an after thought. But look at this thing!!!!! It is a work of art itself. The title is its own little movie... an unnarrated travelogue. How Cool Is That?!

I don't know if the boyfriend understands yet how this thrills me every time I see it. It is pure artistry so reflective of the human spirit to explore, build and conquer... to always be growing beyond the mean confines in which one finds oneself in any given moment that the fantasy realm in which this world is set could be real. Its a living expression of a world of people. It is movement and emotion... not just static models of what might have been but what is and yet is not and will yet come.

Wow.

If there is any time for you to carve out of your busy schedule for a TV show this should be the one you are watching.The characters and story telling are just as well done as the title card. And it all stays with you for hours after the final credits roll.

It makes me wish that Wizards and Warriors could be done now instead of the time when I was 11 and looking for my geek tribe under every rock and behind ever door in front of me.

And as a side note. I accidently watched this with "Manner sind Krieger" from Matthias Reim playing loud in my head. Holy Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even more awesome when worlds collide. I can't even begin to describe the awesomeness. Took things from an Auld Englande feel to MiddleAges Germany in about a nanosecond.
Wheew!

Fantasy is not Excluded from my World

2011-04-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

I know it looks like my head is only on the money issues. But it isn't . I've just had a recent burst of super focused energy because my mind has been on things like the boyfriend, out TV dates and Killer Bunnies. Are you playing that yet? You need to get into a game before the starter decks blink out of existence forever. It's just plain old fun.
I've had a good Winter for just being able to clear the cobwebs out of my head. So while it looks a lot like slacking/doing nothing/time-wasting etc.. it has been necessary to the act of refocusing. You know.... forest for the trees kind of things. I am reading Martha Stewart's book The Martha Rules in tandem with an Evil Plans re-read and developing a short essay about contraction. Its is a physics and spiritual concept that lets shit happen in big ways. But that will come later. And just so no one thinks its all dry and dusty in my brain right now I shall extol the virtues of a new HBO show.

Anyone watching "Game of Thrones"? It is AWWWWWWWWESOME!!!!!!!!!! My absolute favorite part though is the title card. It is an animated D&D gaming map done to the nth degree. You know, the kind of thing that you would see in the basement of someone so obsessed and consumed by the act of creating worlds on paper that they had to make models until their fingers fell off and their eyes bled. It's kinda steampunky but really it looks like someone set the guts of a machine into one of those flat (not a globe) 3D contour maps that our teacher had on the wall in 8th grade. But WAY cooler. Yeah... the gaming jones is nibbling at my kidneys again.

Wonder if I could get the boyfriend into some old fashioned dice rolling role play...

Because it Dovetails so Well With Uncle Wil's Advice....

2011-04-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

Hugh MacLeod isn't the fresh face at this year's rodeo. You've heard of him before even if you don't know the name. He previously published Ignor Evrybody, blogs @ gapingvoid.com and draws some of my favorite cartoons. But in that case I would call him the illustrator of snide remarks, witty quips and all the dark thoughts that pass thru our easily frustrated brains while toiling to make others rich as we pray for a TARDIS rescue. And, I suppose, being a fan of English lit, TV and humor, he's a bit of David Tennant's Doctor Who and Douglas Adams rolled into one neat bundle... and he's not even from across the pond. His ancestors are.

Not that it matters all that much where you come from. It just matters that you get to where you want to be. And no- there was no step by step assembly diagram for shutting out your fears and insecurities. There is no bulleted list to tell you how to jump your hurdles. This is an open ended book. Which is a nice change of pace from the normal self help dreck out there.

YOU have to write your owners manual. There's lots of great examples to be sure. But better than that ther is lots of encouragement. And he has a lot of insight as to how the job market has changed and is constantly in flux. So if you, like me, thought that you were seeing things (or actually not seeing things) like the dried up lake bed formerly known as the life time job with pension benefits he lets you know that you aren't crzy. Yea us!!! His experience has made him wise to the fact that rote formulas don't really work any more. Andwe've all known for a while you can't rest on the laurels of a family name to keep your business from needing some bail out money.

Remember I said that I would read it at Borders? I didn't. After I realized I'd seen the illustrations somewhere before, and was a little familiar with the author, I got excited by what he had to say. It isn't your average self help book. It's liek a letter from a friend or your Favorite Uncle Hugh. I already have a favorite Uncle Wil so why not. Nothing in the rulebook for favorite uncles says there can be only one.

(Puh-lease! With a last name like mine you think I would leave that alone? Not on your life. Besides Highlander props are way cooler than Betty Crocker props.... especially when you've heard them all your life.)

Now I tell you, whatever you do, whoever you are and whomever you are meant to be... this little inverstment can only help. So despite severe fiscal issues I bought the book. It's only fair. I've probably odne something ill-mannered by putting the book cover in the post without express written permission. But I only have you 18 readers and I doubt that is going to put a hole in Penguin's budget to have me do a little leg work for their PR department.

Naughty Naughty Naughty

2011-04-27T09:57:00.001-04:00

This is the link to Hugh McLeod's website where you can see what he has been up to and enjoy the process of self discovery that will let you be the Emperor or Empress of your own Domain.

http://www.gapingvoid.com/

Now all 18 of you can go tell him how awesome he is and find out how much awesome there is for you in the world.

A Book Review and Geekwise Endorsement and nothing more........

2011-04-26T12:32:00.001-04:00

I found this book in a USA Today article from April 25, 2011. Based on the article, I have to throw my endorsement behind it and promise it go read it at Borders as soon as the library computer kicks me off-line.

Hugh MacCleod goes in the Wheaton's category not because "losing a crappy job" forced him to redefine who he was and how he wanted to live. We all know that Wil is the master of Fiscal Reincarnation. But MacCleod goes into the same category for the following reasons which I am pinching from the article.

We are here to find meaning. We are here to help other people do the same. Everythign else is secondary.
Believe in something. Ite really works. Trust me.
Make art every day. I didn't wait for the money, I didn't wait to be discovered, I didn't wait for approval from others. I just got on with it, everyday.

It is a Wheatonian philosphy to be sure. But he uses words like "futzing" and alludes to things geeky that we can relate to when saying we have to start acting like officers in command of our own lives. And by extrapolation I can infer that we aren't just a bunch of acting ensigns and if we are knock it off and get to work. Oh and the veiled hint to the Evil League of Evil. Or may be I just read geek references into everything... oh well.

Keep in mind that I am only going by the article. I will write more later after actually reading the thing. If I find that he has the magic formula for not needing approval [my particular downfall] I will report with all due haste. That is the one thing that I don't know that Wil has been able to impart. The ability to let go of approval is a mutant superpower I can get behind. As humans we seem to need it so badly. Even the President is jerked around by the approval ratings leash.... and we see how well that always works. But still... we let it control what we do. And in many cases we let it hogtie us. That kind of impotence is what destroys individauls and eventually, I believe, the societies in which they live.

I know I am an alruist with fascile leanings. But seriously.... what is wrong with helping other people be the best they can be? Is it really gonna skin somone's nose to say "You can do eet!" I know it is easy to tear someone down and throw out road blocks. But isn't it just as easy to help someone in a real and meaningful way so that they can maintain their strength and care for themselves? Does it really take away from the quality of life to help a fellow human out? I would think that endless array of social programs would do that quicker. I know some people do not want to work. I know some people are always holding out an empty hand. But some of us genuinely do not know how to procede and only need encouragement and a place to regroup for a short time to avoid long term problems later.

It really all boils down to doing what you love to do and not letting the dreamkillers keep you up at night.

Season Openers

2011-04-22T10:33:00.000-04:00

Looks like we are going to have a busy Spring in the hotel. Just got word that we have long term stays with significant room usage to make May a spectacular season opener. Thank God! Too many more weeks of below 100.00 was going to seriously cramp more than my style. But still keeping busy.

Killer Bunnies games have been some pretty intense games. The boyfriend added two expansion packs, red and violet two weeks ago. That took the game up several levels as it was. The deaths were more spectacular and the ability to keep bunnies alive is hampered quite nicely by some new weapons and the fickle finger of fate. The more cards the harder fate is to the concept of hte luck of the draw. And then this week he opened the orange and green. We had the new expansion packs open and shuffled in, ready to go when he decided to throw in the chocolate for fun. We didn't even play one game before adding in the chocolate bunnies.

Contrary to the very obvious reference to the traditional easter delight there is nothing sweet or melt in your mouth about these cards. Oh sure.. you can do some pretty nifty things with these cards. But Holy Cow!!!!! The rules! The difficulty! The play! It took 3.5 hours to get through the game. We're going to need to have more people to play with. That is all there is too it. Sure... we could play with my brother. But getting the gang together is kinda difficult with the scheduling. Still fun. But yikes!!!! And then he's got the Twighlight White and Stainless Steel ready to go. We've unpacked them. Unwrapped each deck. Read over the Bunny Bits. And looked at all the cards to see what we were in for. One word... Overwhelming.

Also working on job rehab. The ground work is laid and the meetings are booked. So hoping to have something positive to report by end of Summer. Once Summer gets here it is going to be difficult to get time online or to play card games. I'm going to try to keep carving out time for art. I have a feeling that will be quite the challenge when I get back to 40 hour work weeks.

I've also been put onto two writing groups so we'll see how those work out with the Summer. It doesn't seem like a Summer thing. But we'll see. Be interesting to see if Summer actually gets here too.

I'm hoping that staying busy will keep my head on straight.

Out and About

2011-04-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

Been out and about a lot for the week. It seems like a lot since we've gone and done something everyday in town (even though we both hate downtown... sorry Ms. Clarke) when for the last three months we have gone out and about maybe three times.

We hit the cool pizza place again this week. Pangea's has the most incredible wild mushroom pizza. We got pretzels in the mall. Twice we've gotten chili dogs at Ware's Brother's. And all the while we've been finishing up the home decorating tasks in the house. And we found a whole lot of cool stuff downtown and in the mall.

But let's keep in mind that I hate shopping unless it is for art supplies. And he hates shopping for anything. So the fact that we are shopping is in and of its self a miracle, not Red Sea parting, but a miracle nonetheless. But the fact that I can even stand to shop is a good sign that I'm hanging out with the right person. That the trips were successful is a miracle too.

Beyond shopping for a good reason, it was nice to get out and see the town in Spring. And to see how the town is trying to hold on to life in the dying economy. There are not a lot of people out and shopping. And there are a lot of stores that are sitting empty. But there is something for everyone downtown. It used to be that we were going the way of Vale and Aspen with stores that would cater to the higher incomes. But I think we have finally realized that everybody has to have their needs met and met on their level. The diversity of shops is starting to show that.

It is also starting to show signs of moving closer and closer to the visionary nightmares I have had these last 15 years. But until it gets really spooky and more familiar I will just enjoy what we have. And share those things with everyone else...

Which really makes me wonder why the hell I didn't take the camera with me. I could have shown you the pizza place, cupcake shop, the chocolate bar, a store full of nifty things and a pre-budding tree lined street. I live in a great city and it seems silly not to share it.

2011-04-12T10:39:00.000-04:00

It's Spring. Like I need to tell you guys that. It's just that I look forward to Spring so much to wash the Winter crap away both literally and metaphorically. I'm listening to a beautiful Matthias Reim song, his cover of "Als ich fort ging". It is a rather sad sounding song with a few hopeful notes; seems like it could be an anthem for Spring. Today it feels very much like a song for new growth and hope, packing away winter clothes and dealing with everything that gets mulled over in the dark of Winter in front of a fire.

And I have a lot to mull. Boundaries and Beliefs are the things that let us do what we need to do to thrive in the world. With the way things are going I don't think that we can be truly content with mere survival. Cue Garth Brooks if you have to (probably one country song I don't mind). I'm working through the pains that come with life and living but I'm not doing so very successfully. So I guess that is the best reason to review the Boundaries and Beliefs that have taken me places that I never thought I would go. It can be a tough topic to wade through. Each belief is accompanied by a montage of memories, snapshots of events that support or challenge those beliefs and ensuing thoughts. I'm glad that I have music to cushion the process. And I am glad for the musicians that I am listening to.

Matthias and Sting for two, seem to be able to say things to my heart that no one else can. I know that I've said this a million times. But if I have to say it a million more I don't care. Neither of these guys know me. So nothing that they say can be construed as judgement against me. The down side of that, of course, is that they can not be construed as my cheer section either. And maybe that is not so important as the fact that they know the situations well. Matters of the heart, mind and soul condensed into hundreds of songs only a few minutes long. Being older than me they have wisdom to depart. And I guess that is one of the things I do not like about the modern music scene. Adele will be angry/sad/mad with me but she can't really tell me that it will be alright and how because she is just a kid like me (by that I mean immature in some things since we all know I'm old as dirt). Matze and Sting have been there, felt that, drowned their sorrows in food/drink therapy and come out the other side of the situation better if not less damaged than when they went in.

And I find in the things that I am going through that those closest to me can not be as helpful in the emotional support because they are too close. I think it should be different. But personal issues weird out some of our closest friends because of how deep their feelings are. They get swept up in the turbulence of our emotional tides (think Betazoids without pets) with us. The cliche "can't see the forest for the trees" doesn't apply only to Frodo. It applies to Sam Wise and everyone else in the fellowship. Well... maybe not to Aragorn. But that kinda shows what I mean. In a party of 7 if only one guy has his wits about him you can tell that its a pretty grim and desperate situation. And you can see the power of friendship has its down side... despair is contagious. Courage is too. But for whatever reason it always seems less potent than panic. Maybe because to get to courage you have to grab a hold of yourself and tackle the fear first. But that is a post for another time.

I am trying to figure out why I should care what some people think of what I do and who I am. I will fold myself into all manner of shapes to avoid negative perceptions of me because I want everyone to like me. That is totally unrealistic and the result has been decidedly not what the goal had been. So we look at boundaries and beliefs and the resulting situation. I did not have a normal existence as a kid. So I learned some bad habits that only now, at the ripe old age of 41, do I see bearing bad and strange fruits. It did not take a lifetime to learn. I've only had a lifetime to reinforce some disinformation. And undoing it is going to take some time. In wanting everyone to like me I developed habits that let me become a door mat/punching bag/ sounding board for someone else's success. And I believed that was my spiritual function because I had pastors that I respected tell me that someone has to serve as the weak to help the strong stay strong.

So lesson number one: Define who you are and what you want for yourself. Discern what makes a good support person in each area of your life. Define who and what kind of support system you need. Define who or what is a poor or deficient support and avoid those people. And in this I have learned that just because a person is a pastor does not automatically mean that they know what they are talking about and the title does not justify an automatic and blind following. There are people with pastoral degrees that graduated with barely passing grades. Same goes for doctors and shrinks. Everyone has to be evaluated. It sounds daunting. But it is sooooooooooooooo necessary. As he says "Poets, priests and politicians have words to thank for their positions." But they have to be able to back up their words with tangible results. Yes even a priest. Example? Sure.

When a pastor offers you financial advice there are a couple of thinks to consider. 1. 80 % of your money issues are a lack of fiscal education and not the automatic result of a sin you have not "laid at the foot of the cross." 2. Pastor has to be willing to treat that 20% and not dismiss it by telling you to pray about it. Prayer is a support. Not a solution. 3. The pastor has to give you wise counsel. If you need help paying your rent and his solution is to have you invite a thief into your home as your Christian duty he is not the financial guru for you. 4. Your pastor needs to be willing to allow someone outside the church and outside of the religious disciplines help you to fix the 80% and especially the 20% if he/she is not trained for that kind of thing. And lets face it... there are not a lot of pastors who have cross disciplined degrees since the church (no matter which one it is) has a Lennon-esque naivete about life. "All you need is love (read as: our version of God)" sells records. It doesn't pay the bills. Well... it doesn't pay YOUR bills.

I used to let people with titles and authority decide my life for me because I thought I was one of the most stupid people on the planet for letting the things that happened in my marriage happen. It ruined my business. it ruined my standing with a few people and it has been an issue with my whole family. So since I was dumb enough to let it happen I decided not to make any more choices for myself. I let pastors tell me what to believe about me and god and everyone else... to some degree. I let employers tell me what I was capable of doing.... to some degree. A part of my true self always rebelled after a time. and then I would have to start all over again.

I guess I am getting to the point where I am getting back to who I truly am. and this time it will be without the disfunction of the programming that I got from a deeply emotionally wounded parent. I only hope that it will be enough to get me fast tracked so that the pending fiscal meltdown can be avoided.

GoTo People

2011-04-05T12:28:00.000-04:00

Just was over at Michelle Ward's blog for a quick peek. She is collecting socks for Japan is anyone is interested in sending some tangible support. At any rate, I see that her latest challenge is to illustrate in some way who our go to people are. In good times and bad, who do you tell the story of your life to?

I'm in a relationship. He should be my go to guy. But he isn't. I've been single for so long that the first place I go is my journal, on line or otherwise. I try. But there are some things that he is not equipped to handle. And we all know by now that I have left the girlfriends of my youth behind because when our roads forked in those yellow woods I was far more curious about the road less traveled. It didn't seem so scary when I was a kid. It didn't seem scary a few years ago. Eventually the woods thin out and break on a sunny meadow. I just didn't know how thick this patch of forest was when I went in. And I did not realize how many people are ill-equipped to handle a long sojourn in the dark.

I am my own go to guy. I go inside my head, sort through the rubble, cut out the thick undergrowth that makes the going tough and move on. And while I am there I am with my second string go to guys. Right now that is Matthias Reim and Sting. The third tier is facebook and the blog. The third tier people get the diluted version that puts a happy or humorous spin on things. Matze and Sting get to sit with me in the dark, or at the keyboard and remind me that they have been through everything I am going through and they have survived. It takes a while to come back from ruin. Matze lost everything to an unscrupulous investor/manager. Sting went through the trials and tribulations of an early self-starting career, often times not knowing where he was going to live. Courage.

Granted sometimes it would be nice to have a physical person to hug or cry on. And I do not do the crying buckets thing too often. But sometimes it is necessary. And sometimes it is good to have someone to cry with. But there are not too many people who can do that with me and be okay.

I am a strong person. And that strength intimidates some. I've had a handful of people tell me that it "weirds them out" for me to need some support because I have always been the stronger one. And that kind of thing, while understandable, leaves a person cold. It isn't because no one wants to help. Its because they feel so much more helpless than when they are trying to comfort someone who doesn't show their strength. Its always been this way. And because it was this way for so long I learned not to ask for help.

Well I have to unlearn that. I need help. I need a little more than I have ever needed before. And as scary as that is for my friends.... it is even scarier for me.

I can not even begin to understand how frightening that is for my boyfriend. I do not know how to help me right now. I know he worries that helping me will drag him into a quagmire that he isn't ready for. I fear the same thing. But fearing a thing doesn't make it less of a thing to deal with. It only makes it more intense. This might be the kind of thing that would bring us closer, help us see that we are stronger together than apart. Or he could be right and it could be the end of us.

But I think that we will never know that for sure. I had a carrot dangled in front of me. I was supposed to live with a friend starting this week. The friend backed out without telling me. So now I am back to square one with needing a place to live. Fortunately I know where some good camping places are. Unfortunately this carrot only reinforces the fact that when I trust people I get burned. I do not want to think ill of my boyfriend so I am tempted to withdraw my request for help to preempt what must (according to historic precedent) inevitably lead to disappointment. I resent carrot danglers. I do not want to count him among the bunch.

yes. pun intended.

Under Pressure

2011-03-29T10:47:00.000-04:00

Heat and pressure vulcanize rubber to make it stable and durable. Heat tempers metal for the same purpose. But do you know what happens when there is too much pressure and too much heat? Rubben turns into a burned blob and steel becomes brittle. It is much the same with people.

Too much pressure and a person snaps physically and or mentally. We always want to push oursleves into doing and being more than the next person; to be on a level higher than what we are. We take on too much because we ignore the limits of the mind and body. We try too hard to please others. And we break.

Sometimes, friends, we break others. Oh it is completely unintentional. We see our friends in trouble and we try to use words to encourage them. But we use words that are not effective because we do not truly see who we are talking to. I have a sister who thinks because she is spurred by insult that she can motivate me that way. But I have not that temperment. I thrive, as I suspect most people do, I encouragement not the incessant listing of failures. If you hold my failures in front of me all I will see is failure. It does not inspire one to believe there is another alternative. So if all I do ends in failure, why should I do more?

I have had other friends in the past who thought that taking charge of my projects was encouragement. He changed my outline for my sucess into something which he could attach himself and his goals. I could do it. But I would have been doing it for him and his prosperity and not my own. So I took back my business plan and dissolved the friendship. He still sees that he did nothing wrong and I wasted so much time on his modifications that I missed windows of opportunity that were key to my development.

And still others have decided that cross words and threats were the way to inspire me. From mother to boyfriends the choice has been to make more money or leave. I am the sum of my accounts? To those who measure life only by their insecurities perhaps that is the case. I do not know. I only know that having been stolen from for my entire life the accusation that I have not enough to contribute sounds an awful lot like "I can't be around you since there is nothing for me to steal."

Friends, the way to encourage others is to be a safe place for someone to share their hopes and dreams. Even if some elements of, or the whole dream, seem impossible it is not for us to say "No." or "That is impossible." It is our sworn duty as friends and lovers to use better words to help our friends stay strong. If you don't think one of your friends can achieve a goal ask yourself why. Then gently say "That sounds great. Have you considered your strengths and weaknesses?" This should let them ask themselves the same question. Then rather than say "it'll never be done." or taking charge of another's dreams do not offer advice. Ask "Who or what is going to fill in the weak spots?" and maybe even "What can I do to help?"

And we have to realize that sometimes our friends have to leave us to make their lives better. A job in some capitalist machine is not going to make someone happy unless they truly have a servant heart and love that corporation. Bagger, cashier, greeter are all fine jobs on our way through school and adolescence as a proving ground for our personalities and to learn how to read people. But it is not the lifelong, self sustaining job that feeds the soul and makes for a productive person. Your friends see more in themselves than they let on. You may see even more in your friends than they can see. But the way to the means often is to let them go. Surely you will miss being in constant contact and the rituals that your friendship is built around. But can you really say that you love your friend if what is best for them to achieve their goals is school or an internship and you want them to get a job in a fast food joint so that they don't leave you?

Some people are suited for Walmart greeter-hood. Some people are suited for the bomb squad. Do you really want them to switch positions just because it suits you to not lose your friend for a short while?

The thing that I am strugglingwith right now involves making a choice to improve my life. It means leaving a lot of things behind and starting over. At 41 I do not want to do that but I have too. Several of my friends wish me well. Several more think that I am abandoning them and doing so out of spite. But I am so much more than a laundry folder. I know that. I am only afraid to take the next step because all I have ever been shown is my failures. My successes seem so dull in comparisson to the spectacular failures. The older you get the more expensive it is to change your life. The monetary outlay is greater and the pool of resources is smaller. The time to recover your investment in the workforce is considerably smaller than when you start your Post College life. While it is far better to begin in your youth, it is not impossible to reboot your life as an adult. The one thing that you need at 41 is the same thing that you needed at 21:

a clear understanding of who and what you are and want to be
the skill set to make that happen
a close circle of people who see and accept that vision you have for yourself
a clear understanding of your weaknesses and a plan for shoring up your weak spots
very clear boundaries that you enforce: no dream killers, no negative reflecting mirrors, no two-faced fair-weather friends, no dream thieves and no control freaks.

You are the captains of your own destiny. But in many cases, you are also the first officer on someone else's ship.

Something else that will get me into trouble later

2011-03-25T11:56:00.000-04:00

I am going through something in my life right now that is at once the most terrifying and the most edifying thing that has ever happened to me. I feel like one foot is in hell while the other is on the bottom step of a stairway to heaven. My anxiety order is staring me straight in the face saying "deal with me now". And I am. My opinion of churchy people and my top ten list of reasons why I don't attend an organized church is staring me straight in the face and asking me if I really believe those reasons are valid. I am being challenged to decide if I really am going to wait around for unsupportive people to get a grip and be supportive while being offered the oppotunity for a shorter wait: hell to freeze over. My belief system is being challenged hardcore right now.

Thing is: fixing things comes at a price I don't know if I am willing to pay because there is not a detailed end run cost analysis, just the promise that the long run has a better pay out than the present. There are people I will lose with the repair. When it comes the the hamstringing siblings, I've already accepted that they are already gone. Probate closure is the coffin being lowered into the ground on our little family drama. They will still be alive in their own world but the family is dead. and I have to be okay with that.

But I have to be okay with other things too. I have to be okay with the idea that my mother was right and that the only person who will ever do right be me is going to be me. It seemed so shallow and callous because she judged anyone wo needed help as being weak while she viewed volunteerism as a means to a social ladder she had no other way to climb. she was pessimistic and cynical and overconfident about her own value while she was constantly undercutting someone else (usually us kids and dad). She was wrong about so many things. And the church I grew up in seemed to counter everything she stood for. And it was a refuge when I was little. My life mission was to prove that she was wrong. To find the good in everyone and to prove to her that the global community would do right by its people, especially given that she was bent on destroying so many of us. In the end, given the state that my life is in... I have to concede that she is right. I am my own Knight. My own Muskateer and the only one who will MacGyver a solution to my situation. And that is a grief all its own that I don't think anyone can understand.

There can't be any room in my life for people who don't support my vision, dreams and show the kind of empathic support they want from me. That is a very short list. There can not be any room in my life for people who call me weak as that does nothing to encourage strength, it is a reinforcement of failure. I am stronger than a lot of people realize. And if I have to do everything by myself I will. I just hope that the people in my life understand just what "everything" means.

Peter Cottontail might be in trouble

2011-03-21T09:06:00.000-04:00

This is it. The whole Magic Carrot kaboodle. Released by Playroom games, Killer Bunnies is at least a decade old and on the way down the rabit hole never to be seen again.

My brother bought his family a starter set and a booster pack for Christmas a couple years ago and they have been playing ever since. I get a special invite once in a while, as I have posted before. Well a couple of visits back in November and a play-by-play (almost) recap of te game's adventures set the boyfriend on his own quest. Four months of being strung along by two seperate game stores in the area sent him to e-Bay. We'll save customer service issues for another post. The game was bought on Thursday. It arrived Saturday. This is a still shot of the first game revving up to the exciting point. The first game is always a little dicey while the newbies are learning the rules. This game is especially complicated as it is a cross between rummy and war and each card is printed with special instructions. It is an expansion game like Magic the Gathering. And as I have said before in a previous post... it is totally for geeks, made by geeks.

I was not sure that the boyfriend would like the game. So I tried to talk him out of so large an investment. But his logic was that if he liked it a lot and couldn't buy them individaully before the rest of the booster packs were discontinued then he would be disappointed in a Marvin teh Martian kinda way which would be very ugly to witness. Thankfully he likes it a lot and the odds of him being disappointed are greatly reduced. And now I don't have to wait for an invite from the brother to play :)

So we posted this shot on our facebook pages. Brother is not happy to know that we have the whole set. And even more upset to know that he will spend a third more buying packs individually and that he is only two sets ahead of the discontinued rate.
BRO: So how do you know its discontinued?
ME: Internet.
BRO: Huh.
ME: What?
BRO: Seems like that is your answer for everything.
ME: Well that's one of the things the internet was built to do.
BRO: It's just so......
ME: geeky?
BRO: Sheldon.

D'oh!

screwed again. and it was not fun.

2011-03-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

this post was FUBARed by a keyboard shortcut that turns out to be the longest distance between two posts.
F. U. not an insitute of higher learning.

I need a new tag

2011-03-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

There is a long list of things that make me sad. And I thought that maybe I would notate that somewhere. But it would be more in keeping with my promise to myself to be more happy to make a list of things that make me happy. But maybe the world is too full of lists and I don't need to annotate anything more than what I already waste time annotating......

or maybe the strep is killing my brain cells as well as my throat.

things that make me sad

2011-03-10T17:50:00.000-05:00

Walking under a full moon under Orion's ever vigilant gaze, I stopped and stared at my night time guardian for a while. I tried to help my boyfriend pick out the constellation correctly and said, "Its always a comfort to know he is there. But it's February. I really thought that he would be closer to the horizon this time of year."
I was thinking stellar drift and doepplar shift.
His reply. "You know he hasn't 'been there' for like millions of years." Those stars are probably long dead.

Thank you Buzz Killjoy.

I must be a sad little cowpoke for that to have upset me. But seriously, who takes someone's comfort away like that? I don't want to be fenced in but I do like to know that someone is watching over me. I can think of no better representation than Orion. I always thought of him as the Woodsman in Snow White... dunno why.

Progress

2011-03-01T16:54:00.000-05:00

I found a great German language book in the library. I was able to cruise through the whole thing and refresh my memory to know where my week points are. And I get to start somewhere in the middle. Reading comprehension is great. But the writing of it and the speaking are still rather tricky. The exercises, written out long form like they are supposed to will take weeks to do properly. But the boyfriend will be gone and I will still have housing issues so what better way to prepare for a trip and kill time this Summer?????? I mean really... a good german language book and old fashion farben und papier works jsut as good as a laptop.

Did I mention that I killed it dead? Or at least got it sentanced to a life in the limbo that is the backseat of my car? Yep. 5 days and I still can't remember my security code to even get the desktop to load. What kind of geek am I?

Cocky and arrogant regarding my mental capacity and heretofor excellent memory recall. Mind like a sprung steel trap I have.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................

Now what????

2011-02-24T16:03:00.000-05:00

It would seem that I have done something stupid in the editting. I can't figure out why my post titles are different colors or what happened to the options to edit them. Oh technology! Do you have to be so.... so... so douchbaggy?

Baby Steps

2011-02-23T12:13:00.001-05:00

I don't know what it is that keeps sending me into such a sticky quagmire of self doubt. But I haz it again. And this time it is a little more crippling than before. In part this is due to the fact that I did not plan any further ahead in my art field than getting Dad to admit that I can be an artist and that people want what I've got to sell. I didn't make a plan for that. How can you not? By getting caught up in the emotional need to have satisfaction and approval and not looking at the practical.

And even that isn't right. I had a plan to sell my designs and products associated with them, namely my colelction of 600 rubber stamp designs as either red, wood mounted rubber stamps or the new fangled clear acryllic ones. But I did not make any plans to sell the fine art. Economy tanks and the craft industry kinda back tracked so the stamp thing is not viable. That means that I need to sell the fine art.

I do not have a plan for that. The fine art is the stuff that resulted from playing with the stamps and techniques that I had to learn to be able to market the rubber. I never intended to sell the physical work. The canvases are like journals detailing the things that worked, and to be honest, didn't work. They were the inspiration board cum design notebooks that kept my walls from feeling all naked and cold and junk.

But that is what I am going to have to make a plan for. I have no training in that. I know how to sell rubber stamps. I do not know how to sell me. And so the first step was to show the shrink.

No anxiety. She wondered why. Simple. She is an easy mark. So is the boyfriend. They kinda have to be nice about it. The tough part is showing it to people that fall into the following categories: Who Needs Art?It Doesn't Put Food on the Table, Abolished the Public Funding for all Art Endeavors, Art Isn't Real Work, and the I'm A Jock You're Weird I Don't Care About Your Crap categories. So my next step is to take it into work and show some of the people who seem surprised to find out that I am an artist and a trekkie after working with me for 3 years.

The Coversation Starter falls into a category somewhere between the It Doesn't Put Food on the Table and the Art isn't Real Work. The Conversation Starter is a hard working man with a good heart, full of practicality. So even though he is interested in seeing what I've done, I am still rather scared to do so. I know I have to get used to rejection. But I also need to not expect it from every single person that I meet. That is just the Pavlovian conditioning in my family that I have to overcome. And the Conversation Starter will at least be kind about it. Sir Knight? Hmmm... well things are improved in that category but I do not believe that the improvement merits seeking out the attention. As far as others go... I do kinda have a stacked deck. I know a lot of the girls are going to like what I do because they always like the cards they get from me.

So I go out to take my own advice this week... Be Bold. Be Strong. Step Forward and meet the World because it isn't going to come looking for you.

Ocam's Razor for the Win...

2011-02-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

Well I guess a mild week long case of paranoia is better than an entire Winter's worth. I know I have said this before. But Friends, take good care of your selves. When your head isn't in the right place there is something that needs to be done to keep you in your geeky life without going postal. For me it was PCOS. And that is a simple fix. It doesn't mean that I am crazy when the thinking goes on a holiday. It just means I need to pay attention to what is going on with me and do something about it.

I get a little weird and a little depressed on ocaission and think that it comes with being an artist and an aquarius. I have visions of Kirk Douglas as vanGogh and think that I am bound for the same kind of lunacy. "It comes with the territory." "Why break the stereo type." and worst of all, "Insanity is all part of the genius package." I don't know who specifically said the last thing. But I have heard similar so many times I've started to wonder if maybe all I do to change circumstance is a waste of time and that embracing the crazy is the best choice. But it isn't. All this really has been is an undiagnosed hormonal imbalance cause by the simple fact that I am a girl. Grrrrrrrrr-eat! I know.

I guess I just want you to know that bad things don't have to happen. And when they do there is usually a simple solution if you would only look for that first instead of building a conspiratorial thesis. I know those are valid at times. But Ocam's Razor first. Then you can go 7 kinds of Alex Jones crazy.