I don't think that I will have a definitive answer for that question.
MA has been told about my spiritual background, about the issues I had with a church(es) and about my wanting to be more in tune with my Jewish heritage. I didn't tell him that to make him back off. I told him that because I have been accused of withholding information and been dumped by a church for withholding. I thought it was fair to warn him before he got too serious about this whole marriage thing he keeps talking about. I do not want anyone else to accuse me of withholding.
So what I said today was that I was glad he had been understanding and that I may just have been PMSing. Which is true. I might have been. PMS leads me to paranoia and I tend to make more out of things than there has to be. So I said thanks for the patience.
My thanks may have been premature as I got a voicemail (I was not in a receptive area so he had no choice) that says I "better learn to let go and let God." Hhhmmm... where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, from people who expect me to roll over and play dead. Chinese calendar says I am a dog but I don't have to live like one and I will not ever be treated like one again.
MA says I am shooting myself in the foot. That I am pushing him away. I don't know how that interpretation gets slapped onto my declarations that I am stating such and such as a matter of honesty.
ACG warned me that there was something afoot. And my own intuition said there was bound to be a problem with something. And this is it. When you tell a person they better do this and that, you tell the person that your authority will be the only thing that is accepted. I had the feeling that this would be the case. Not because of that stupid Scorpio crap. But because of the Christian thing. That is the way that most churchgoing, Bible carrying members of that faith approach relationships. One person is right the other person has to get right with God. Even if she has been baptized. There are a host of ways that could have been handled better. I don't need to be coddled but it might have been nice to be told "I don't think I understand what you mean, more details please." or if he did get what I was trying to say (I don't think he did), "Don't worry so much about what other people think" would have been nice. Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to hear "It doesn't matter." and I wanted to be able to believe him.
And so I ask myself did I do the right thing? Is that something that should have waited until we were in marriage counseling? Because I am fairly certain that if that had popped out in front of Pastor "Greatest thing since Paul" he would have accused me of withholding information. That pastor would have called me a liar too. And so would MA. So I tell him something that worries me, I even give him the out of PMS so that he can just chalk it up to me being a stupid girl and I am told something that I interpreted as "You better shape up or ship out." As if I need to hear that again. Scorpio's sting? Christian male determination? Or TMI?
The world may never know. If Mr. Owl weren't a hack I'd go ask him.
The worst thing you could do is wait until you are in marriage counseling. By then, it's too late.
ReplyDeleteI'm saddened by his response, but I'm not surprised. He would have been magnanimous about it all, but then he would not have been true to himself - and that isn't what you want in a life-partner either.
When you are in the getting to know each other phase, you are supposed to learn these things and then decide if they are deal breakers, or just eccentricities.
But you have first-hand experience with these types of people that is screaming from the rafters to cut and run before you get hurt even worse. Does it suck? Hell yeah. Will it suck worse if you choose to ignore the obvious contradictions? Absolutely.
You are way too smart to fall for that shit again.