what Verta said

During our last conversation at Mystic Sage, Verta said that it was no wonder that my Chakras are as shut tight as they are and that I am having trouble keeping everything flowing. I had just finished telling her that I feel as though I have been sleep walking for three years.
So the short form synposis of 2005: I lost Dad, I spent that last Summer with him 15 hours a day while he needed to be shutteled to Doctors, see his home country for the last time, the quest to find a descent peach, the BIG discussion about my future, the house I was to inherit (centerpiece of my life plan) was sold out from under me, two months before that the man I was supposed to marry tore through my life after a 4000.00 "investment" and 4 year relationship, I changed jobs after the final abusive straw broke, I packed up a house and moved, I packed up the rest of my mom's 40 year collection of flotsam so said house could be sold, and I quit meditating.
That last one seems to be the significant thing. I had lessened my meditations to accomodate dad's needs. But then when all of this happened within only a 6 month period, the meditating only let my mind quite enough for me to hear the malestrom in my own head. The keening malevolent grief was the only thing I could touch inside myself so I quit meditating. Even now when I try, its like I have to start over from square one because the ticking of lists and issues just keeps clamoring through my head. There are things that I should be doing that I am not doing and meditating isn't doing. It's just sitting.
Getting rid of shoulda/coulda/woulda is something else to work on. Adopting the It is what it is now and when ever thing is high on the list of homework to learn, know and absorb. I have been conditioned to think that everything of value makes money. I never used to believe that. But when I thought that I had to live in my brother's world I had to learn that lesson to cope. Now I know why he is so mean and bitter. Money isn't living. Making money isn't really anything but a distraction. Like food, money is something that you need to live, but it doesn't have to be the only thing you live for.
Writing, art, meditation... these things keep the soul fed. A healthy soul is what makes really living possible. A healthy soul makes connections in the world. A connection in the world is worth more than a 50.00 paycheck. It is the kind of thing that makes any condition in which you live bearable. I've been fooled, mostly by myself I think, into believing that money would make those connections happen. I was lead to believe that it was necessary to be connected to my brother and sister. I have a host of facebook friends to prove that isn't true. Yet I still struggle to believe that opinion that I had held on my own for so long. Verta says that grief can skew perspective in many ways. It was natural to cling to my brother as he is the only family I have in the area. But he isn't a healthy person to be around. He is someone that is classified as a dream killer.
So what Verta said is that I have to cut myself some slack. When we first met almost 5 years ago I was a mess. I was just coming out of a dark patch that followed closely on the heels of a deep depression that had cost me jobs and respect. She reminds me that this time, with all that on my plate in 2005 and then almost dying in 2006 that I have a lot to be proud of. I didn't roll up the welcome mat and turn on the gas. I stuck it out. I kept plugging away and I haven't given up. She notes I can't even commit to sorrowful resignation for more than a day where before it would be months before my resignation gave way to some other "_ation". I have come a long way. And I may not have as far to go as I fear. But it starts, always starts, with knowing ones self and a picture of one's destiny firmly in mind.
And then the progress continues with being selective about the people you share your life with.