One of Many

No, not a Borg designation. A statement of being.

There is, contrary to what a lot of your personal critics will say to and about you, more than one thing that makes you who you are. Today I issue a challenge. Fold a plain sheet of paper in half. One one side list the things that others use to define you (read: limit in cases where you have very critical people in your surroundings). On the other side list the things that really define you.

Keep in mind that you will want to list the "good" the "bad" and the "fugly". For instance on my list I would put my divorce the "Others" list. On the side I define myself, I would write the following: patient, supportive and caring in a relationship but knows her limits. Limits: infidelity, embezzlement, violence.

I could look at that chapter of my life as the failure that my family does. But I lived that chapter paragraph by paragraph, sentence by sentence, word by word and letter by letter without them being involved in anything but the aftermath. I am the one who knows what if feels like to build a business only to have someone drain your profits and operating budget without any thought for persons other than themselves. I am the one who woke up in the morning and knew that I had to start all over and had nothing to do it with. I am the one who woke up with fingers around her throat, was nearly impaled on a coat hook (just like in the movies). I am the one who put time into marriage counseling only to be told by the counselor that there was no hope to save the relationship because I was married to a sociopath. I am the one who went to food pantries for help. I had to face my customers and tell them that I could no longer provide the services they expected of me. Talk about embarrassing. What does my family have to be embarrassed about? A divorced sister who is still determined to be single even if that costs her the security of a stable relationship.

You are the author and the main character in your story. No one knows the life behind the details that you share with others better than you. No one knows my life better than I do. So why are we letting others define us?

Are you struggling with your career goals? With your own personal happiness? It's because you, like I've done, have been letting other people define you by your job, your mistakes, your past relationships. It's the trifecta of low self esteem. Your job is how you pay your bills. It's how you fund your goals. If you aren't in the field you want to be in it's either because you've stopped trying or you're still in transition. Your mistakes teach you something about yourself. And keep in mind, you never know something that looks like a good idea is a mistake till you get to the end of the experience. If you knew ahead of time that your train was headed for a busted trestle over a deep gorge you obviously would not keep piling coals into the engine. None of you are that stupid. So tell your critics that.

Start with the list. It isn't about spin doctoring. It is about telling yourself the truth. There are too many people in the world, family, friends and frenemies who want you to stay on their sad sorry level. Full of self-pity, drama, and plain old lazy-brained-ness, these people like to keep us low so that they can feel better about the limitations that they have to live with. Don't try to pigeon-hole their limits. Concentrate instead on your boundless potential and go for it.