When I was a younger person I took the losses of friendships very hard. Each loss no matter how minor was a devastating blow because it took so much to develop friendships back then. I was skittish as a young doe and had about as much people smarts. I treasured every friendship as though they were either the first or the last. I did not know the concept of toxicity as related to people. I did not know that some of those friends were not friends and that I was better off without their weights on me.
Having said that, I look at my list of facebook friends and find the numbers dwindle as others find reasons to be without my wit and wiseacre observations. And I struggle for it to be okay. In some instances I can not figure out who left. Which most likely means that the friendship did not need to continue anyway. And in others when I do know who bailed I feel that old familiear twinge of loss and unworthiness.
I know my sense of humor does not match with others. That is ok. Not everyone likes Leno and not everyone likes Letterman. Or whoever. So that is okay. I know my spiritual divergence from the accepted norm from my Catholic/Christian upbringing is offensive to some. And that is ok. Some of the people who left me left because we just did not communicate any better than we did in our youth. And that is ok. It was nice to catch up, apologize for past wrongs and wish each other well. And still others are toxic with a tendency to spread their poison unchecked. It is good to be free of them as well.
There is yet another category of the departed though that has me feeling a bit down. I'd love to tell you that I am putting on my brave face and dealing very well with it. But I am not. On cold nights like this when I am facing a night in a shelter of strangers and a hierarchy that I can not comprehend, the absense of those facebook friends looms like mountain whose crags and crevasses resemble a judgemental and unforgiving old man. Those people who left after attempts to mend fences left even though I keep a select number of toxic people off of my facebook page. But that did not stop them from finding this blog.
Had anyone who left realized that the person who turned them onto these pages could only have done so because they recognized themselves and their part in my story within these unimportant lines then they would, I hope, realize that I have not exaggerrated or falsified my accounts. And they would still be here. And on a cold night I think to myself how awful a person do you have to be for no one to want you in their life? But the truth is it is... not me.
Some people are very good at wielding their toxic swords. I simply have been felled by one. And those who left because they do not see the truth... and are protected by writing device from the general public and can only be known by the principle players, they are not ready for the truth. Nor did they understand that in writing about the past I was trying to illustrate points of forgivness and healing. And, most importantly, I was trying to show that how we would wish a resolution is not always the best resolution. In the long run they are stories of letting go and letting God fix things. It can take only a few months. And sometimes it takes decades. Sometimes healing old hurts takes a life time. And sometimes that healing never happens at all.
It is not easy to look at that smaller list and know that I am better left with the core friends that I do have. I can at least in my adult mind look at those who left me yet again and know that I did the best with what I had to fix the things that went wrong; that I have given Time a chance to resolve issues without the constant bemoaning of my angst ridden teen years.
And now I am at the point in which I can let go. That does not mean that I won't feel bad for a while. But I can let things go better than when I was a kid. And I at least do not carry the burden of being constantly bombarded with schemes and gossip. Now it is only a matter of being able to go forward with confidence, more wisdom and a feeling of security that the friendships I form from this point forward will be measured by their health and not by tally.
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