Dear S.,
So... when you get back to the cyber world you will see that I launched my gofundme campaign. Did you have a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you shared your link?
I am terrified and feel like throwing up. I hate feeling so vulnerable. Most of the people on facebook don't know about being homeless. And while it might upset some of the cousins to know this was happening... we've also had heated discussions about all the people with their hands out... I can not hide the facts of my reality any longer. I am getting no where fast by considering how other people with feel about this.
I don't qualify for any help. But I don't have spare money for disasters like this. I would still be homeless if I were paying for insurance. And the exchange wouldn't be any cheaper for me. I am scared shitless right now. Scared. Shitless.
In a way it is worse a feeling than being close to death. Being close enough to smell Death's b.o is kind of a relief. It means the end of suffering is near. Do you know; I almost resent myself for getting myself to the hospital to get help. Life was rough before. But after that it was just plain old pitiful. Granted we wouldn't be friends, nor would I have my German friends or met Sir Knight (I know, you don't think that was much of a blessing). But I wonder how much comfort that is to you. I wonder how much comfort my friendship is to anyone. All I hear in my head is what a loser I am.
I'm sure it's just the crap talk left over from my mom and brother. And while it is crap.... I should not be so involved in what it says. But I am.
And I am worried what my room mate is thinking. I'm grasping at as many ways to save myself as I can and not have to do the things that scare me. searching for a second job and being terrified of what I will find is not helping me. I'd much rather not ever deal with a person in the flesh ever again. How realistic is that? Not very. So instead I have to ask the Universe for what I need.
That book I've been blogging about talks about how when you are desperate enough for a need to be fulfilled you will figure out what your need is. Somehow your conscious brain likes to swim chin deep in denial so that you don't know what you need. You have to be reduced to the raw place where you can not deny yourself the question. And then you have to be brave enough to ask. And not just ask: order.
There were places along the Camino journey that Need reared its ugly head. Hape almost gave up a few times. Then out of no where, the remedy for his need would appear. Nuns with bandages when cuts ensued. A dude in a Jeep when his legs gave out. An old woman, a nun, on the path was struggling with the atmosphere and an injury when suddenly a Spanish man happened upon her. They did not speak much of each other's language but enough. He walked with her as she hobbled along on a bloody foot. He was her companion in her dotage. And when he learned that she had died a few days after being left at an infirmary he wept mightily for her. She'd been sent on the road to find absolution and die. It was sad.
And it illustrates how the Universe provides. You have to be vulnerable enough to ask. And open enough to receive. Once he learned this, his journey's struggles had solutions almost instantaneously. I am in that stage. I have to be open. I have to believe that I deserve goodness and assistance because I am a human being and we all deserve it. There is so much judgment these days about people who have needs. As if Needs are new to the human population. I was always told I didn't need anything because I wasn't good enough for anything. And I still believe that somewhere in me.
Even though I have begun in recent months, to experience the Universe's generosity. I knew that my friend would send me something from the parents house. I did not know what. And I do not know how I knew. I knew somewhere in me that Matthias would send a greeting before it got here though I did not place a lot of expectation in the outcome. After all.... why should I expect such a gift? But receive such a gift I did.
I've relearned a lot about generosity since losing some of that understanding along the way. I am still scared. I am incredibly scared. And I am incredibly sick at the thought that what little I have I could lose. But the Universe says that all we have to do is ask. Christian scripture says the same thing.
What is there to lose? Followers? Friends? Self esteem? I can not manage life with this weight continuing to loom over my head. So why not ask the Universe to take it away as expediently as possible?
I wonder how this will all work out. I see that it works. It's helped you.
And I have a question.... since they give a link you can cut and paste, why do I not see your ad on your blog? I know I don't have a lot of followers but I could share yours on my page too. Or is this a new function since you signed up?
I've asked the Universe to provide. We shall see how this works.
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