Too personal to blog

I have been absent from the blogosphere for many days as I have been doing a classic Me move... overthinking things. Again, stemming from an encounter with the brother, I have to realize several things that are unhealthy in this relationship. He is the master of the mind fuck and I am not. I am a healer. I want to fix everything for everyone. And the absolute worst human trait to possess he possesses.
He could heal people with his abilities. He choses to use them for evil. He is profecient in reading people over time, learning what their hot button issues are and finding just the right words and tone to infiltrate the psyche. This is not a bad ability in and of itself. But, and I quote, With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. Here he takes a page from Vader's book... well probably more likely Darth Maul... he uses it to twist people to his way of thinking. Then, just when the victim is certain that they have given what was ordered... the orders change.
He knows that I want a Rainbow Unicorn Gumdrop world in which everyone is what and who they were created by G'd to be... not the programmable nanobots in this fakey money driven world. And he keeps letting me think that I am getting to him. That maybe one day I will save him.
On my part: this is stupid. THAT above anything else I have been accused of is pride and arrogance. No one is saved that does not ask to be saved.
The least painful aspect of the encounter that I can share is this: Over the course of the last ten years both of my siblings have been begging and pleading with me to be anything that will pay money for real, and show real profits instead of deduction assissted losses. Be anything that isn't an artist. I did that in May when I had no other recourse. I didn't tell anyone that I got the job until I was happy and, I thought, secure and strong enough into the new life direction. Then I told him. The very first words out of his mouth are embedded in my grey matter forever. "That's great;" expression becomes pensive,"but it isn't art is it?"
When I had decided to say something, I had that same fruitless hope of a lottery ticket purchaser has when they plunk down a dollar on "THE WINNING TICKET". When the numbers came up I was a loser again. It was several weeks before I spoke to him again.
He and his wife came to the house. He had an idea that he wanted me to get behind. His hook was this... "Imagine what 50,000.00 can do to start your business." In ten years that has been the first hint of approval regarding my chosen direction. But wait there is more.
Not for a minute did I believe him. I know that this would be another Lucy yanks the football from Chuck moment. He is an expert at those as well. So another few months has gone by. He is in charge of the estate. Now he thinks he is in charge of everyone else's life. I chose to play the one card that I thought would buy me some time. I know it is a fabrication... and to tell an untruth is so not Vulcan. But I needed to buy time. It was the only currency with which I could pay. I told him that he and Pam won. That I had no intention of being an artist any more. I was tired of trying and having artificial roadblocks in my way. He won. Leave me alone.
Do you know what he did next? I was completely unprepared for this, which accounts for part of what I had been overthinking. He spent the next FOUR hours telling me all the ways that I could be an artist. Among those things... Auction it off; donate it to some cause, even if it only goes for $4.00." "Give it away." But he insisted, I could still be what I want to be, just not have it be a full time job.
I gave him what he wanted. Tears and all. Frustration and all. And he turned on me. Normally when he gets what he wants he backs away. Or maybe he doesn't. Maybe that is how he wrests ultimate control from someone... maybe the ultimate control for him is to be able to have the power to restore someone to where they had been when he started to take away... only to take back again. I had not counted on it. And I put too much effort into the fabrication.

So here is what I have learned from this: First, this kind of dissembling is BAD! It looks like simple acting. But because this involves people who know you well and can tell when you are lying you have to do more than get into character. You have to believe what you say. You have to be the person who has lost all confidence in yourself and believes what you have been told : You are the fuck up. From a long line of fuck ups. You have to believe that your dreams aren't worth shit. You have to believe, as he does, that once a fuck up always a fuck up. You are Marty McFly with no Doc Brown on your side.
I can not tell you what that kind of dissembling does to the Chakras. Pain. Not any good kind of pain that says "Oooh, you should put Bactine on that." or "I better get a bandaid." It is the kind of pain that makes strong men plead for death at the hands of a sworn enemy. This kind of pain makes a Klingon mating ritual look like two angels engaged in a chaste kiss. I would have taken a bath in vitriol to make the pain go away if I'd been near a tub.

Second: the only thing you can do with someone like this is get away. Even if that means leaving all your possessions, relinquishing your hereditary rights, changing your name and joining the Amish-or a Kibbutz-or a Camel Caravan-or selling yourself to the gypsies-or signing on the the Foreign Legion-volunteering for a Harem-Asian White slave market- or [shuddering] marry a Ferengi Trade Vessel Captain.
Walk away from potentially 60,000? Am I nuts? Yes. I am six kinds of desperate nuts to get away from this. The more I see what has been going on forever in this sick family, the more I read about people wh ohave support for what they are... the more I see that this has to end. I have been unsuccessful in everything I have done "their" way. When I went my own way i did fine until an unfortunate mishap with some wedding vows. But I know better now. I can't be manipulated into that again and I can't sacrifice me for a guy. I won't.

Granted I am not yet ready to leave all my stuff behind. I am still trying to figure out a way to keep it all. But I am rapidly running out of options. Necessity is the mother of invention... it is necessary to reinvent myself before I run out of genetic material to work with. So yes... 60,000 for freedom? All that will remain after that is too learn to be okay with leaving his wife in this situation. She choses to make all kinds of consessions to him of a Christian forgiveness logic. I can't save her because she is bent on saving him. So when I manage the guilt and let it go I can go.

People like him only want total control of someone or something becasue they perceive they lack the kind of control in their own life that makes sense to them. A lack of personal perspective or value beyond a fiduciary measure contributes to this kind of abusive power. He neither sees that it is abuse or that it lies within him.
But, he promised Dad to quit getting in my way and to undo all the constraints that were placed on me. Dad saw the truth of G'ds opinion of me as he lay dying. Bro attributes the promise to a kind of deathly delusion and thus has revoked his pledge to make repairs on dad's and his own behalf. So I will renounce my pledge to keep attempting to make this work.
If a psychic is good for anything, even though in many places this has been labled a sin, they can tell you when a deathbed promise has been recanted by the decedent. There is alot that goes on with them on the other side that if we could know about it here, would clear up so many misconceptions. But alas... someone misunderstood the difference between witchery and spiritual connections to G'd himself. there was afterall not alot of difference between Samuel and the With of Endor... at least in the movie David. And I suspect that was the only truly accurate thing in the movie despite a brilliant performance from Leonard Nimoy.

If this is too personal to post... imagine what goes on in my paper journal that I don't post. The world needs to be very glad that I have not chosen the darkside.