Setting the Stage

Here's the story of a girl who learned very early on that she could not trust those who showed interest in her. What point is there in telling this story? It will explain, I think, just how aggressive my mental defenses are and why I'm having such trouble undoing them. Keep in mind that I am not using any real names beyond my own. The principle players and I, after 30 years, have become dear enough friends that I would not wish ill feelings directed at them. Their actions had purpose which I could not see at the time. I don't know if they consciously supported the purpose or if it is a comfortable tale I tell myself now 3o years later. The point is that things are good and I don't resent the events or the persons involved.
And as I said, I thought that it was dealt with. When this new situation arose I was shocked to find myself reduced to the 10-12 year old child that I had been. I think my defenses may be protecting her without realizing that she is now 40 and possesses (I hope) the faculties to heal and defend herself with out the automated response.


10 year old Sherry was knobby kneed and gaining girth to prevent herself from continually being dragged to the top of a 15 foot slide and thrown off the sides. Her hair was long blonde and straight as a board, a curtain to hide behind at her desk. Her hair hid the blushing caused by the pain of the insults thrown at her daily. 10 year old Sherry had bright blue eyes with a thin rim of green that glistened in the sunlight. Most people thought that it was the eagerness of youth that put the shine in her eyes. Only she knew that the shiny gloss came from the film of tears that were ever on the verge of falling whether or not she were being actively targetted. She spent most of her time alone hiding on the playground, hoping to avoid detection.
One autumn day, sometime before Halloween of her 5th grade year, one of the popular boys noticed her. He had not been one of the boys who gave her knobby knees scars by tripping her in gravel. He had not been one of the boys who followed her down the sidewalk on her way home,throwing rocks and twigs. He had not been one of the boys who called her humiliating names. He had not ever shown that he noticed her before. He was one of those boys that all of the girls noticed for being cute, outgoing and having the smile of an angel or rogue... no Devils allowed in Catholic school. During the time Mrs. Bauer set aside for reading, he leaned over the aisle between their desks.
"Hey Sherry."
10 year old Sherry thought that he'd been trying to get Geri's attention. So she ignored him. A wad of crumpled paper landed on her desk. "Hey Sherry."
Sherry looked through a part in her curtain of blonde hair. "I have to ask you something."
Sherry ducked back behind her hair. Mrs Bauer was a generous teacher but she didn't like there to be talking during reading time since our class had below average scores in reading. When class broke for lunch Mark hissed at her.
"Hey Sherry. I wanted to ask you a question."
"What?" She thought that he wanted help with homework or just wnated her to do it for him. If they weren't insulting her that is the only time her classmates talked to her.
"Would you go out with me?"
Ten year olds don't date, she thought. What she said was, "Why?"
While Mark was looking at her, Sherry did what she always did; she read the room. A ripple of winks and nudges from Mark to the last row of students in the popular clique made her back rigid.
"I think you're awfully smart. And funny."
Sherry didn't recall laughing much at all and began to register his words as lies.
"Will you go out with me?"
"No."
Sherry left the room thinking that was the end of it. The sound of conspiratorial tittering follwed her out the room as she went home for lunch. When she came back Mark was at his desk. His friends were gathered around a singel desk at a respectable distance. "I really mean it. You're smart, and funny and kinda pretty. Why won't you go out with me?"
"Because I don't believe you." She wanted to believe him. But she had spent 3 years listening to Jimmy H telling her how ugly she was with no dispute from her classmates. And in this, their 5th grade, no one was arguing Jimmy's accuracy either. Sherry sat at her desk, eyes glistening with tears she prayed would not fall on her writing assignment. She begged God to make her invisbile to Mrs. Bauer. If she were called on to answer a question her voice would crack and that would surely mean tears would follow. It seemed like all she ever did was cry.
The rest of the day passed without incident. Three days passed and she was sure that this disgrace had evaporated. As the class filed in, Mark sat at his desk, hands forlornly folded atop his books. "I don't know why you don't like me, Sherry." He pouted. "Why won;t you go out with me?"
Sherry ignored him.
The next day his friend snuck up behind her, "If you won't go out with Mark, will you go out with me? I think you're awfully sweet and we could have a lot of fun."
"No."
"Why not?"
"We are ten." Sherry's voice was barely a whisper. "We are too young to date." Still timid, her voice had gained in volume. Her body shook with fear that her refusal would be punished. But hse had to speak her mind. Grampa told her that there was no point in hiding the truth. "Besides, I know you are lying."
He turned her around, a huge and fake smile on his face. She knew it was fake because he should have looked either hurt or embarrassed. Her if her accusation was false and embarrassed to have been caught if it was true. His expression did not change so she knew that he had a motive she could not see.
"Why would I lie?"
Sherry ran away.
"Well Mark, she won't have either of us. Maybe she lieks Tom better. Hey Tommy, come overh ere and ask Sherry out."
Tommy's reluctance was evident. Mark and Mark dragged him to Sherry's desk. Barely audible, Tommy did as he was told and then ran for the haven of his desk before she could say anything. Mrs Bauer called the class to attention. Again the curtain of blonde hair drew over Sherry's face. This time the tears fell on her math homework. She didn't care. And she didn't make a sound as she wept, smearing number two pencil over the loose leaf paper.
The next day each Mark in turn asked her to go steady. Each day until Christmas they asked. And they asked up through Easter break. Tommy submitted to their pressure and asked only periodically after protesting that he didn't want to because it was mean. School resumed after break. As did the daily ritual. Each say until Summer vacation was much the same. She cried into her dilapitated teddy bear's stomach, sure that she was rusting the music box sown inside him.
6th grade began with orientation in which new classmates were introduced and homeroom was assigned. Sitting with Mark Mark and Tom was Donovan. Sometime during orientation she noticed the Marks pointing in her direction. Donovan looked, sized her up and wrinkled his nose as though he'd just been told he had stepped in dog poop. Then he laughed and nodded affirmatively to something being discussed. Before she ever got to homeroom, Sherry was caught about the elbow.
"They tell me that you're one of the smartest people in school. I guess that means we'll be spending time together since I need a little extra help. You'd like to do homework with me wouldn't you?" Donovan smiled the smile of snakes and charlatans. Sherry's heart sank. This year would be the same as the last. "No."
Each day until Thanksgiving was the same. The Marks took turns asking her why someone so cute and smart would turn them down. The first Mark came up with a new speech. "You're breaking my heart Sherry. I've liked you ever since the 3rd grade and all you do is turn me down. Am I ugly?" No, I am, she thought to her self. "Am I mean?" I had not thought so until last year, she thought to herself again. "Do I smell?" No, she answered in her heart. "I go home every night and cry that you tell me 'No'." No you don't, she heard in her head. That voice was not her own.
Sherry, rather than continue the conversation, this time said nothing. she thought that ignoring them would make the tire of the game and stop. She'd thought about begging. About crying and telling them how much it hurt to know that they were only pretending. But when Jimmy found out how much he was hurting her he kept doing it more. He found more ways to cause pain. Sherry didn't think that telling them how she felt was a good idea. She thought about telling one of the new teachers what was going on. But who would believe that the three most popular boys in class would ever ask her out? She'd be laughed at, called a liar and branded as a trouble maker. Best to keep to herself. They'll stop soon enough, hse thought.
But it kept up through Christmas, ans Spring break. It was close to Summer vacation when a new boy joined the class, and their clique and their game. Just before the end of the school year Clay asked her to go steady. Sherry ignored him.
"Look guys, she thinks she's too good for us."
When Gramma and Grampa picked her up for her only weekend with them alone she cried all the way home. After Star Trek and learning that Cheese puffs and tears don't mix, she told her grandparents what was happening. Gramma cried silently with her for a while. Grampa waited until the hiccups went away and asked her what her course of action had been.
"I don't know what else to do. I tried to think what Laura (Ingalls) would do. ButI can't hit them and I don't know where to get leeches."
"Hitting won't work. Jimmy H you should hit. These boys.... what they are doing is psychological."
Grampa Gerbstadt gave Sherry a crash course in basic psychology. "You'll just have to say yes."
"But "I don't want to! They don't mean it."
"Of course they don't. That is the point in saying yes."
"I don't understand."
"Al, she can't. She's too young for all of this foolishness."
"She isn't. If she were it wouldn't be happening."
"You don't really want to do this do you?" Gramma put her arm around Sherry's shoulders.
Sherry's chin dropped to her chest and the sobs started again.
"Al, this is just going to make her feel worse."
"How, she already knows that they are lying to her."
"But this is the proof. Once this happens..."
"It will put a stop to the torment."
"I-I ca-an't."
"You will when you're tired of this. Wash your face and get your books. I'm sure you have a lot of homework to do."
Summer came with the reprieve from her torture. She thought. Her brother began to tease her every day about them liking her. "And maybe (fill in the name) likes you too!" Then 7th grade started. The very first day, before she ever got into the building, the first Mark began cajoling her from the curb. "Look, there she is. The only girl to ever break my heart. Will you ever go with me Sherry?"
Sherry dashed inside the building hoping to find solace that was not there. That first weekend of school she was at Gramma and Grampa's again. "Well, has it stopped?"
Sherry didn't need to ask has what stopped. All she did was shake her head no as tears flowed. later in the weekend, as she colored in her homework for religion class, Grampa appeared in the doorway. "Why do they do this,Grampa? Why do they say nice things that they don't mean?"
"Its the way people are. Sometimes people say mean things that they don't believe because they are hurt or scared. Sometimes people say nice things that they don't mean because they don't want to admit to thinking nasty things. Action. You have to look at what people do."
"Actions speak louder than words." Sherry didn't know who she was quoting. But she heard it a lot from everyone so she believed it was a wise thing to know and say.
"Most of the time. You'll always know when people tell the truth by action. You can't always believe the words. There are a lot of good actors out there and they aren't all in Hollywood."
Sherry went back to school that Monday thinking of the things that Grampa said. Her heart hurt. Her head hurt from all the crying. She knew she needed this to stop. But when it stopped then she would know that she never had been wanted and most likely never would be wanted. After this no one in her class would want her anymore that they all ready did. And, at the age of twelve, Sherry didn't have the bigger picture to know that there was a world beyond Catholic school and more people in her life than her classmates.
Sherry let it continue through Thanksgiving and Christmas break. Each day it was harder and harder to want to go to school. It was getting harder to sit through class not knowing during which period the attacks would come. Then, just before Easter break, Clay trapped her at her desk. She hated having to sit by the wall... no escape.
"Sherry, Sherry Sherry. Why do you keep saying no? You know that I want you. Those guys are just a couple of chumps. I've got money, we live in a nice house and I am the most popular boy in school. You've got to want me as much as I want you."
"OKay."
"what?" Clay blanched.
"I'll go with you."
Mrs. Huffman called the class to attention and grabbed Clay by the scruff of his collar to show him to his seat. The popular girls were laughing at him. Mark, Mark and Donovan were laughing at him. As they were leaving for the next class, the first Mark clapped Clay on the shoulder, "you're stuck with her now!"
"You said she'd never say yes!" Clay screeached. Sherry's worst fears were finally realized. This would stop the daily torment. But what was she to do with the pain in her soul?
Sherry successfully avoided Clay for the rest of the day. For the whole weekend she refused to aswer the phone or talk to Clay when he called.
"Why is that boy so desperate to talk to you?"
"He wants to break up with me?"
"What do you mean break up with you? You shouldn't be dating anyone. And who would want to date you anyway?"
"Don't worry. No one really wants me. It was a joke that back fired."
On Monday morning, Sherry approached Clay as he stood nervously by a lamp post.
"Um... I tried to call you all weekend." He looked like he'd eaten an entire plate of deviled eggs that had been left in the hot Summer sun for hours. "We can't go steady."
"I know."
"It's uh... nothing personal, it's just that...
"Your mother didn't approve."
"Right. And well.. you know... its not like you have money for the movies and stuff."
"I know."
"And well you just couldn't afford gifts all the time for like birthdays and stuff."
"I know."
"so uh... yeah. So we aren't going steady."
"Right."
Clay ran into the building and never looked Sherry in the eye again. Mark, Mark, Donovan and Tommy never asked her to go steady after that. Her Grampa was right. "They won't have the guts to do it again. They'll be afraid that you'll say yes again." And he was right.

Only one person asked her to go out, to go steady with the hope of building a relationship after that. His actions matched his words. But he didn't stay either. And at 40, Sherry feels like that 10-12 year old girl all over again.