Anthropomorphize much???

In the middle of another ordinary day doing laundry for an upscale new hotel in town things were going as they do. Load washer. Select cycle. Select setting. Hit start. I've done this so many times that I don't even consciously make the selections any more. I don't even think about the process. And I don't look. As a matter of fact I don't even wait to see the water shoot out of the nozzle before walking away from the machine to go fold what is already dry; I listen for the hissing.

Load washer. Select cycle. Select Setting. Hit Start. Hiss. No Hiss.

ME: where's the hiss?

I turn back, cuss, flip off the inanimate objects and hit start again. It beeps its own expletive as a lazy hourglass icon does laps. Abort Cycle.
Hit Stop. Unlock. Crank on the latch. Open Hatch. Screen auto clears and I close the hatch. Latch the hatch. Hit start. Nothing.

ME: What the Fuck now?

Upon closer inspection I see that the cycle has, in fact, started. The countdown began. The symbols for those of you who read only sanskrit at home indicates that water is filling the machine. But there is no water.

ME: Grrr....

Stop. Unlock. Crank. Open. Reset. Close. Lock. Start. Nothing.

ME: Is there a delay that I wasn't paying attention to?

So I give it a minute or two. The machine rocks a 1/4 turn without any water. Now I know that it isn't me. But what is the deal? While I am thinking, I futility go through the process again. We'd just replaced a microprocessor in the other machine so maybe it is a hitch in this one's giddy-up. Or it could be the the lazy icon meant something that I should have been paying attention to and didn't because I assumed it was just being the prissy little bitch that it likes to be once in a while and got mad about me accidentally punching too many buttons... you know because it likes to believe that I do that on purpose cause I'm not allowed to make mistakes as a human being. I start the process again.

ME: Maybe there's no water.

I check the couplings, make sure the water valve behind the machine is on, put my hands on my hips while stroking my beardless chin.

ME: Of course there is water. Someone would have told you if there was no water you dolt. What are you doing wrong? C'mon, MacGyver, you can figure this out.

I go fold some laundry for a while trying to puzzle out what happened. I have been known to make machinery nervous. But it's been nearly a year. How could this kind of problem happen suddenly? And how could I forget, consciously or subconsciously, how to run these machines? There has to be a reason. But maybe I should call Dave anyway.

OTHER ME: Yeah and the second he hits the start button it'll work and you'll look like a bigger idiot than you do now, talkin' to yourself and flippin' off the machinery. You'll turn all red. He'll mention your blond and then he'll say something about being smarter than the equipment you're working with.

ME: And I'll have to bruise his shins. I am not calling Dave.

One more time. Check settings. Hit start. Nothing.

ME: G** D*** S ofa F****** B Why the F*** can't this stupid S ofa B**** POS do what it is supposed to????

OTHER ME: So call him.

ME: And what if its nothing? I waste his time and he gets pissy.

OTHER ME: Chicken.

ME: I Can FIGURE THIS OUT!!!!!!!

OTHER ME: You're no Wesley Crusher.

ME: Shut up.

I try the process one more time. I quote Cyrano Jones: "Twice nothing is still nothing".*

OTHER ME: That's more than twice.

ME: Shut the fuck up.

Dejected, I walk over to the desk and phone the front desk.

ME: Will you have Dave pop back to laundry when you see him?

FD: Sure.

Enter JODI: Hey, Dave says there's no water.

So I didn't break it.
I'm not stupid. Not entirely anyway.
So can we define more clearly the terms of NEED 2 KNOW BASIS?????????
[headdesk]



*Cyrano Jones, Intergallactic trader with a rap sheet the size of the Kessel Run from ST OS episode "The Trouble with Tribbles." I have to entertain myself because no one else at work is going to get these references... kinda like how I hear the typewriter *DING!* whenever I hit ENTER while in a writing frenzy.