I got an apology today. Someone who was mad at someone else dropped a verbal assault on me Saturday. I had a retort. But... true to my nature, two seconds after said person left the room I was reduced to a puddle of tears. I should not have been yelled at. But in Person's defense: a. I am a safe place to unload baggage. I joke all the time about pets, kids, horses, old men and carious "crazy" people dumping on me because I am safe. And if I don't get the emotional baggage dump then they just get close and soak up my sun. Which is fine... I know how to get more. Anyway.... b. the person he was mad at could not have taken any of that even though she deserved it. And this has been a situation a long time in coming so it was bound to happen sooner or later. and c. I needed to be jolted a bit.
I have spent the better part of this year replaying events in my head and having all manner of small incidents and larger seismic events fitting together like clues on NCIS. I have a clear picture of just how much of a chump I have been with this woman. Every night that I was homeless this Winter and realizing if I had not done her a favor by splitting hours with her I would not have been homeless. And with every catastrophe she instigated my frustration with myself and her being allowed to continue to behave that way grew. I've gained weight trying to stuff the anger, fear and loathing down so that I could put on a happy face for all and sundry. And I have not let myself fall apart on a regular basis. I won't quit because I know that this is a position worth fighting for until I go to school. But I've been a chump.
I was played. Granted I will still win. But just like when I play chess on a board I take heavy losses to gain every win. And I am spending a lot of resources here to win by so slim a margin. And when I got yelled at my dams broke.
Thankfully I knew I was mad at her and not the other Person. And thankfully, after a couple of days to my self, I realized that Person was not mad at me at all. I served my cosmic function of diffusing a difficult situation. I did not really take the damage and it was not a critical hit. Person's job is impacted every time that she fails to consider ALL of her duties. And that is where the frustration came from that drew out that response. But it took me days to realize it.
and this morning Person found me and apologized most sincerely. And asked nothing in return from me. Did not even stick around to wait for me to accept the apology and give absolution. So I have to do it here even though the words will not reach Person's ears. The energy will get there nonetheless.
"I figured out that you were not mad at me. And when I figured that out, I looked at all the times that I thought you were mad, and I realized you were only really mad once. And that one time I did deserve to be corrected though I could have been done so more gently. No matter what you say about what you Think You Deserve, you & everyone else on this planet has to have safe place to detonate. Now that I know that is how I function in your life, I can accept the rapidly changing moods. I do not like it when I have my own crap to deal with. But I accept it.
So I accept your apology. And if the PTB talked to you about any issues that arouse after the minor explosion, I apologize. But know that when asked, I told them that I would handle this one myself. And when the one returns I will make sure that he knows the situation is rectified. I have to as it is my lead in to talk to him about a solution to the situation.
And thank you. I did not expect, nor did I hope for, such an apology. I am glad to have it though. And you deserve my forgiveness... no matter what you think about what you do and do not deserve. You deserve it and you have it. Our time is too short to hold such petty things against one another. Since this is my cosmic job description if not the one on the handbook. And you are still on the list of My Favorite People that I Have Met in My Life as well as the list of People I Will Miss Forever when it is time to part ways. This is not the time. And little blow ups like that will not be held against you."And the other good thing about this episode is that having figured out what the rant was about, and then having it confirmed for me during the apology, is that Person will be the model for a character of contrasting strengths and weaknesses for this November's NaNoWriMo...
which reminds me...
please excuse me while I go register my feeble fingers for the faint hope of future glory.
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