A New Year and a New Outlook

Depression is often my closest companion in the months leading up to Christmas. And by that I mean close like a suffocating plastic bag over my mouth and companion like every bully I ever had in school rolled into one super destructive force. It starts in August when the history of loss begins. And it never really stops until the Sol makes it 's presence more prominent about this time of the year after months of being curled in the fetal position when I am not at work. This year there was no fetal fits that lasted days on end. A few days it did seem like I was waiting for the sky to fall. But nothing so frightfully traumatic as last year or the year before. Two things can be credited with the ease of my survival this Winter...

Music and Support

I know that I have gone on and on about how music heals; the composer is a kindred spirit because they have already processed a similar event and are either commiserating or guiding. How music gives our minds something to do besides rehash the thing that consumes us and leads us into the dark demonic woods of depression. And I will say again that one of the reasons that I really like the schlager musik is that it takes me out of my American mindset. First because I have to really pay attention and engage in the music instead of leave it in the background where it becomes just noise. And second, because with Matthias Reim, in particular, he has the kind of voice that can be background music without being ignored. His voice is so expressive that I can have him sitting on my shoulder as a guardian angel or in my fast like a drill sergeant trying to get my fat butt over he mountains on a long hike. He sounds in turn like a sage father, wise teacher, patient counselor, a bar buddy or the guy with the knee weakening voice you want to take home with you. In America I think that it is exceedingly rare to have someone who can be all those things in the music. Sting is close. And Billy Joel to some extent. But the music itself all starts to sound the same after a while.... white noise.

But with some of the pittance I got when my brother was done with the estate I sent away for music. Apparently the angry open letter to the Universe and EMI and whoever else was listening worked. Amazon now has the ability to convert USD to Euros and worked out the shipping issues. Yea! So I replaced more of the CDs that went missing. Got one that I never had. And pre-ordered the new one which Matze's website this time did not tell me was impossible. Unmoeglich is goofy enough sounding that I don't get too upset when it shows up... but it was always so disappointing to see. No more!!!!!!! Of course I can't win any of the offers because I am overseas.... really who has a couple of thousand dollars to drop what they are doing and hop a transatlantic flight to go see a concert being offered with only 3 days to make plans? I get it. But it would have been nice to be able to win the autobiography. At any rate... the music is here.

And it has helped tremendously. Unverwundbar, invincible, invulnerable or impenetrable, is one of the healing albums. I don't know which marriage that it followed. It doesn't matter. In the title track you find strength. He has set boundaries. And with those boundaries, intentional and otherwise, he isn't going to fall for the same old crap that he always fell for (though in Unberechenbar he will declare that no matter what happens when she moves on he knows she will still want him. Who hasn't been there?) because he will not fall in love. He also declares "Men are stupid" (a ground pleasing call/response portion of a MR concert), a statement that I can get behind. In "Als ich fortging" everything goes to shit when he goes away, every time he leaves some catastrophe befalls his life. Been there. In "Wie Man Liebt" he explains why men and women can't always connect on a love level... men are taught to make war, care about science and math they are taught strength and power but not love and tenderness. Makes total sense to me. "L'amour s'en va"... When love goes....
I think that you see where I am going with this.

All that I am feeling is in this music. He lives. He survives. Every time someone knocks him down he gets back up. And he is thriving. A lesson there. He is someone that you can have walk your walk with you and feel encouragement in the phrase "life goes on" not the dust off that you get from others who are too busy for you. With a CD he is never too busy, he won't tell me to go off and do my own thing while he does his and see what happens later. Matze has his life. I have mine and I never feel left alone. I do feel lonely. But that isn't the same as being left alone to sort out your own crap because you are too much for someone to deal with. I miss my last boyfriend and feel sad that the promise of continued friendship is not fulfilled to a common standard. I miss Sir Knight. I miss my dad. I count all the mistakes that I make at work, with relationships, with family. I count the missteps. I count all the lies that I have been told... and then I have to have the music because something has to keep my mind busy on happy things.

And then there is the support system.
We are our own first line of defense. But when that doesn't work there are others. My therapist is awesome. Sometimes I think all I am paying her for is t be my cheerleader. I might feel bad about that. But if it is true that it takes 7 positive things to wipe out 1 bad thing that you have been told then I guess I am getting my monies worth. And it doesn't matter why or how I hear some things. There are things that I have to be reminded of.

• I deserve to be healthy
• Boundaries are okay
• I am loveable & deserve to be loved
• My talents should not be hidden

for starters. And then there is the life coach that I saw for a while. I got some very good information on how to change some things, short cuts to help me get around myself. And then there is also the encouragement to take back my life.

My facebook community had brought old friends closer and made friends out of old classmates that I didn't get to know before. Every.........




edit: every once in a while Blogger decides to impersonate our schools old computers and eat half of my homework. Sorry.... this post ends really abruptly and for the life of me I can not remember how this one was supposed to end. But I do know now why a couple of people aren't talking to me any more.  Hmmm.....