I have to admit to being weepy, depressed and depressing for about a week now. I thought it was the usual girlie problem that I don't usually have, except when working around women for many hours per day. So it never occurred to me that there was any other explanation. Today Verta sent me an alert that explains it well. There is a lull in the cosmic flow, the tide slows like a river coming into a wider portion of the riverbed. The result of this is a tendency to "Weep for no good reason". Verta would say the menses are a reason, sometimes a good reason but mostly a stupid reason to cry, "But what are you gonna do?"
Exactly what I did.
I worried myself over passed failings, whined about being alone and broke a promise to a good friend and went home and cried anyway. he didn't make me pinkie swear so it didn't really count. Right? Anyway, I also got myself a stupid crush going, that if it had any basis in reality might be a nice little gift from the cosmos, but it's completely one way... mine, and i went digging through the Internet to find people that I've lost/misplaced/forgotten about only to have some stupid girlie jealousy rear its stupider head. I meant what I said when I told that story about attraction. And in recent moments of weakness, I wished I could undo that past. I didn't find some people. I did find others in exactly the places I never expected them to be. And I have been catty and ungracious to others. And there is no reason for it, except to say that without a regular flow of cosmic energy, I am nuts. Some would say I am nuts to talk like this, cosmic flow or not. But I am a tomboy, I don't cry. And that's all I've wanted to do.
With this new information, not only do I not mind needing to cry, I don't mind the fact that I have been totally human and totally invulcan. This, I am assured will pass (like a kidney stone) and will leave me with some kind of understanding. I don't know. That's just what I am assured. And the information came just in time. I almost consigned myself to oblivion.
When I left work today I had every intention of writing ACG and my Ukraine friend a fond farewell and relegating myself to the realm of crazy cat ladies (sans feline), dismantling my blog, both of them, and taking down every profile I have on the web. Part of the reason is that last night was too much for me to handle. I found people that I wanted to find and was distraught to realize that none of them missed me as much as I missed them. But I don't know that for certain. I presume that is the case. I felt as though I had embarrassed myself in my weakness, stretching new friendships beyond the strength of their new blooms. I would never end the life to my fleshly body. But there are other forms of suicide less obvious.
Removing my web presence is one form. I only have one regular reader, perhaps others. But one that posts comments. So still, for me, this is a private place to write. I am totally me. I am totally free to be who and what I am. I am learning, as Michelle says, to own my words. For me this is an act of bravery. It is a life form that I have never experienced but have coveted while reading Wheaton. And if I were to dismantle this blog, or my art blog, I would be ending part of my life. My brother doesn't know where to find me on the net. This is the last place I can be me while I continue to live in town. I am underground here. And if I leave this plane, I lose everything I have gained. I lose a vibrancy to my life I have not had in a long time.
I owe a lot of that to ACG. Mostly because we interact on a regular basis. Mostly because he is quality people and I get quality people face time. But also because in his valiant move to step outside of normal operating parameters, we have found a good friendship that I would not want to trade for anything. I have also found connections with people I was afraid of in school... but I've already waxed some shade of philosophical on that point. If I had followed through with my intent, I would have nothing but the fear. And a wet pillow. And I would be unavoidably alone.
"You take the good you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."
It's a simple line from an old TV theme. It's a lesson that I feel like I should have learned a long time ago. But I am learning it now. I had felt sorry for myself all day long. I'm amazed I got done by 1:30... usually that kind of self absorption reduces productivity. But, while I was dithering around some blogs, I found an amazing coincidence.
You see, I had searched for these same people back in February when I was out of work and writing my novel while waiting for the employment agency to turn out a gem. I found absolutely no one. Today, I got further into the archives and found that one of my long lost friends had started his blog in March, just a few short weeks before I started mine. Great minds think alike? Absolutely. But mostly I think it has more to do with this ebb and flow in the cosmic stream. Where we have people we have been separated from for one reason or another, some logical, some avoidable and some because of our own paranoid delusions/illusions, those hearts that were meant to connect in this life time and were thrust apart too soon are being put back together. As the cosmic shift approaches, the universe is actively strengthening links between people who will keep things together in their communities or on the global stage. It is of course folly to think that all of those connections are meant to be romantic relationships. In most cases it is that we need each other to maintain our strengths within and outside of the collective. In my case, I am certain that the romantic linking cannot happen until I am back in the middle of a current of people. That is how it happened before. And this time, the person I will be linked to will not be able to separate me from the collective. It was something I had not looked at before, but will this time. And that will be a post of its own. No, the universe is knitting weak strands together because we will all need each other, no matter our religious,political, financial, marital, and employment status. And that is what my searches have been about.
I'm just so used to thinking in old thought patterns that i believed it was because "My perfect mate" was out there. But my perfect community is out there. We are only building roads to each other for the support that we will need when all the changes happen.
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