So there have been a handful of knights to register for competition in the month that I have had this new site profile. Of those, there were only two to make the cut. The first we'll call Sir Lee as it turns out he is and has made me as well. He had all the makings of a fine companion what with being attracted to the trek thing, my German figure and capacity for imagination. Seemed a match made in heaven for lonely geek like me. I mean geez.. who the fuck ever wants a trek geek? The second is a rather laid back individual for whom I can find no pun. He will be known henceforth as Sir, well... I guess Sir Knight. Nothing stabby comes to mind and really they are almost all knights in shining armor/amore... whatever.
I partially described Sir Lee. I guess the best part of that very short-lived arrangement was, from my perspective, that no one that cute and that compatible has crossed my path in like forever. Even Matt couldn't do the whole trek reference conversation like Sir Lee could, which takes me back to Marquette days... So anyway I thought this was going to be a great little deal with the benefit of relieving some pon farr symptoms. we were supposed to meet on two occasions both of which he had to cancel with profuse apologies. We made up for it with a few long conversations. Last week he wants to talk on a Monday. And here is where things get, in the vernacular, wonky. I don't do Mondays. These guys have lives of their own, things for which I am told up front I must take second chair. The only thing that I ask is to watch Castle with my Castlechat friends in peace. I invite them all to join us. I apologize for it even though I should not. Its one night for one hour where I am not available. He said he'd see me online after the show. Nothing. No response to the one shout out I sent. We did not meet for the date we planned later in the week and I was left wondering. So tonight, as I am compiling data for the Knight who is out of running and now (probably) totally peeved to know he has been written about even if generically, I saw that Sir Lee was online and on our site. I dropped a "hi there". He got offline.
It is rude. And I thought, uncharacteristic of him. He dropped out of chat but was still on the site. I can smell an avoidance tactic a mile away. I also have enough brains to make sure to engage the cloaking device before a vessel picks me up on long range sensors. Ha! So I've deleted him from my contact list.
The thing is, while I knew that this was not a long term anything. It was just fun. And it was fun while it lasted. I still want to cry. This was supposed to be a confidence building exercise; take what attention the originating knight gave, use it to get over the crappy programming and take the next step in development that I some how missed in high school to find the confidence in my womanhood that I have in my geekhood. So WTF went wrong? And why the fuck do I want to cry about it? I mean geez, it isn't like he was going to be the one. I know better than that for many reasons. Did I somehow think that being a trek buddy meant he would treat me with more deference than the average chick you can blow off? Must have. I'm an idiot for it too. HELLOOO! Ferengi! It isn't like Trek doesn't have its share of ass wipes: Q, Devoni Rahl, the Ferengi, the other sons of Mohg, the guy with the telepathic mind tricks, Shinzon. The universe is replete with rudeness; what made me think that I was isolated, even in this instance? Oh yeah, my facile belief in solidarity and kindredness.
Stupid.
So now what do I do about the other Sir Knight. I've invited him to the company Christmas party which probably violates some unwritten rule of the casual hook up planet that means I will be summarily executed because I have neither a spiffy cable knit sweater nor an angry ship's captain with a Prime Directive to back me up. A shame if that happens. While I thought that our first contact was a bit tepid, we did go out, had a grand time and he asked for a second date. Now it's a matter of playing dueling day planners to find a day when that can happen. This isn't going to be a long term thing either. Not what I am looking for. I don't know me well enough in this arena to be able to deal with that. I don't even know that this knight is really into me or if I'm the only person receptive to him at the moment. No matter. It is what it is. And if it fizzles I can honestly say it isn't going to stick in my craw the way Sir Lee does.
This isn't e-harmony. I'm not going to find the love of my life. But I would like to find a little more respect here than what I get from the family.
As social experiments go I guess I am finding out, by leaps and bounds, what I am willing to deal with and what I'm willing to photon torpedo without asking questions first. It wasn't the goal. The goal of this experiment was to find that I am not averse to the concept of intimacy or relationships. Granted it is early to know for certain. But it looks to me like I either have a long way to go to find the answers or I already know the answer to that and simply refuse to come to terms with it.
Ooh lucky me if its the last.
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