Independence Day III

because all good things come in trilogies and I am obsessing...

So I am talking to my friend J. Told her what the Knight Knave asked me and that, as per geek rule #1 I'd been thinking. I hate the idea that I need to be "rescued" because to me that sounds emotionally and mentally weak. I've never been those kinds of weak. Weak willed at times? Yes. Weak Knee-ed? Who hasn't? But never mentally or emotionally weak. Throw down some heavy shit and I will tackled it for all I'm worth. Of course that has meant a fried brain on occaission but only as an end result of unsuccessful effort NOT for lack of trying. I think that needing rescuing in the vein of say Snow White or Cinderella is frailty. I look at those myths and think that both women are too much for even a strapping young Prince to deal with; a thought that usually ends with "I hope she's good in bed." I know that is bad.... it doesn't say much for the Charming One. But I've watched how some women make their men miserable by being difficult either on purpose or by nature and then wonder why 20 years down the road why he's gone. And happier. I never wanted to be one of those women who drove her guy away.

But then independenc hasn't won me much male companionship either. A balance is needed. And like I said before, it's mostly because it is necessary to be independent. And I really do hate it. But there is another side to this coin that I hadn't talked about. If I am going to be rescued there is a trade off that I don't know it I can committ to. J thinks I'm being silly. I am truly frightened because if I chose to ever make the choice to allow myself to be rescued and let go of this stubborn and foolish pride then there are things I have to committ to, even if it is only in a dating relationship. And with those stakes I have to be absolutely certain of the man and forget the myth and the legends.

I don't like how I am living now. I want a place where I have a non futon bed. I don't want to share my bedroom with my studio anymore. I want to keep a studio and produce like my life depends on it. I want to walk around au naturale again if the fancy strikes. If I allow myself a rescue then my gratitude will show in my cheerful performance of all the domestic skills I have cultivated; cooking, baking, setting a table that says "I think you are special.", keeping a clean house, providing a beautiful backdrop for comfortable living (interior design/decor), handcrafting special greeting cards and messages, being the best parental assisstant I can be, massage, empathy and generally being for one person all that I am at work and better. And this is just the stuff that I KNOW a guy wants, generally. I have to use all my powers of observation and empathy to figure out what he wants that I don't know about.
I have to trust him to not take advantage.

The best news is that I don't think the Knight Knave would abuse the gifts I have to offer. I am worried though that I might be overlooking a subtle clue that he'd dropped. Which makes me wonder... Jeannie or Sammantha Stevens? I can't stand how arrogant and rude Major Nelson is. And Darren's unwarranted self assurance of his authority irks me the way it irks Endorra. The Knight Knave is not Tony or Derwood. I see that everyday. He is just a guy who does the best he is able and tries not to get kicked in the teeth by women who lack the fundamental graces of say a Caroline Ingalls. But I'm not a shrieking harpie like Harriett Oleson either. I often wonder, even when there are no prospects on the horizon, if I really could be happy doing Caroline's job. Do I want to do Caolines job? And what ever happened to "No Pets. No Kids. No Man. No Mess"? What good is a personal mantra if you don't use it?

Sadly folks, I think you might be in for four installments on the subject as 3 hasn't really brought me any answers.