Integration

Gang, I guess I can't say this enough: Be yourself. Be the whole You, nothing but You. Be the You that you have dreamt; be the You that you envision when you rewrite your life in fantasy mode. And be the best You that you can be. Then, to over use a new phrase: Find your Tribe.

We probably have always known who we were. I knew when I was very little that I was an artist. I knew by the time that I hit middle school that I was a geek. I knew I was a tomboy. I have known for a very long time that there are types of Me that I couldn't safely be in my little town, family among the friends that I have always had. So there are parts of me that are my quiet time me. Its a lonely world when you repress the geek and artist while letting the tomboy flag fly. I've been a tomboy in a world of girly girls my whole life. I've stood out and not always in a good way. So then I artificially isolated myself.

That is not a happy place. I lost containment on the Artist. She just couldn't stand being away from pools of color and piles of texture. Once she got out of the containment unit she couldn't be stopped. But she also did not get the ridicule and anger directed at her that I thought there would be. So when the field on the Geek's containment Unit failed I didn't bother to try to control it. And the Geek flourished, adding to the things that the Artist did. They made each other better. I made a choice to find a way to route the energy of the others into the collective so that I wasn't spending so many valuable resources on containment.

I am about three steps from being fully integrated. I have joined a social group that fosters my interests and in the process have met someone who makes me wonder why I waited so long to do this. In essence I believe that my Wil has met his Anne. Each of our interests share a common circuit for a great distance but diverge into smaller branches of interest. It is not just a relief to be able to be myself. But it is also a relief to know I will have my breathing room. I am still fiercely independent when it comes to my thoughts and feelings and the ways in which they are expressed. But I am not fiercely lonely to match that circumstance anymore. It may be to soon to make declarations: it'll scare both of us, I think. But I honestly can not think of a better place to be or a better person to be with. Why? Here is an example:

I don't have to explain Calvinball. Okay that wasn't really the example. The other part of me that is kind of repressed is the Gamer. We play board games in our family. And aside from Killer Bunnies its just the same old boring games we played when we were little. So in my quest to express and define, or should that be define and express, I have been collecting games I find interesting. We have some small towns around Traverse that flourished with specialty shops before the economy tanked. Beulah and Frankfort had two great game stores. I bought games I thought could be the olive branch to healing rifts within the family and coveted the ones that would not.

I walk through stores like that the same way I walk through the D&D aisle at Borders: longingly. I look at games the way Molly Ringwald looked at expensive McMansions in Pretty In Pink. I'd buy these great games but there is no one to play them with. That has changed. I met a Geek in a different social group. I'd not met him before that social event. But when we met it was like Calvin and Hobbes had been separated by time space and a deep woods for two days and were finally reunited through Calvin's dad's vigilant (read forced) search. Inseparable is a good word. Instant recognition. Instant jubilation. We are debating a trip downstate to the Christmas store in Frankenmuth, which will also mean a trip to Abbey's or going to Frankfort to sit on the porch at Trick Dog Cafe and play games between dips in Lake Michigan for the WHOLE ENTIRE DAY on Labor Day.
Did I ever think that I would find anyone who would want to do that? Hell NO! Did I think that I would ever find anyone with whom all my parts could be present and it would be okay? Hell FRAKKING no!!! And yet... here we are.

Friends, the only way to be is to be honest with yourself. If you can't admit to and appreciate who you are then no one else will bother either. I know all those self help people say the same thing. And if you are like me you've read a bunch of  them and found them less helpful than advertised. They are right about being yourself. But they tell you that it is easy to be that person. If you are scared then it isn't easy. And I'm not saying that it is. Cause it isn't. And some times it is painful. But you just have to do it until it is easy. I'm not saying it is a sure fire way to find romance. But it is a sure-fire way to not be alone. If you've been alone either physically or emotionally for a long time a social group will let you recover your people skills. Once those recover then the rest will follow.

There is nothing better than being honest with yourself.