Highschool never ends

but sometimes we grow up enough to make it not suck.


So, I got over my weirdness and contacted He Who through [redacted]. We are now friends via [redacted]. And he settled some things for me. There never was any chance that I would hurt his feelings. It turns out that the Liar had fabricated a lie that required being compounded to postpone her comeuppance. It has taken 20 years for that lie to unravel and allow the people encapsulated by it to see the truth.
I got to say sorry and was given the forgiveness I've sought lo these many years. And he said sorry because it would appear as though I was more hurt by his actions than he by mine. And as these things go, the Liar really is the only one who needs to apologize. Which, by the by, I do not expect.
I will simply be happy to get my big hug from He Who in full sight of the Liar. In speaking with He Who, I find there were many who were involved in the plot unwittingly.
Now the real issues: did I ever expect the miracle of a romantic reunion? I've always known that it would never happen that way. But when the darkness threatened to consume evertything about me that looked like a shot at truly living, then yes. When my esteem bent to the raspy voiced gollum in the shadows, the thought that someone like He Who could have liked me at one time let me rebuff the gollum's insinutions and find my way into the light. And could I have gone on with life without this catharsis? My brother tells me all the time it matters not. Verta tells me it doesn't matter. I say it does.

Here's why. If I had gone forever not knowing what exactly transpired back then I would live in this constant state of Limbo. The cycle of "what if" would keep driving me nuts. Its nothing but a mental hampster wheel. I would like to believe that we can be more than hampsters. But if we don't do the hard human things then we must be content to be hampsters. I am still a white hampster and I can't dance so get that damn song out of your head before it gets stuck in mi... to late. Anyway, my point is, I needed to know the truth. Maybe if I were another kind of person I could have just ignored this whole mess. But I have been in hot pursuit of truth since I was a child. Not just spiritual, apparently, but in all things. It shows in all of the personality and psychology tests I have taken. The last one I took called me Holmes. [big cheesy grin] But the point is, truth. My personality doesn't let me just let things lie because the truth really does set you free.
It is the only thing that will. And it takes a lot of courage to look for it, recognize it when it shows up and then accept it. I've been called courageous before. I denied the description because I could never face down Nazi's while dangling precariously from the side of a tank in the desert. Nor could I really ever go hunting Vampires even if I am up at dark thirty every morning. Life requires courage in many instances that are less perilous than an action heroes life, but courage nonetheless.

Leaving your family to become who you were always meant to be, starting a business, activism... these are all things that require courage. Fighting illness, unemployment, facing the death of a loved one. Life is full of opportunities for courage. Challenging old ideas, even if they are only important to your own mental health is one of those courageous things. I've always felt a little quixotic about this particular quest because it was so personal, and because there seemed no way to verify any of the information. So that impish part of my self that said "Do it! Contact him!" finally is acknowledged and the result was not devastating... not in the least.

So with my new understanding of what transpired all those years ago, I can move forward. Couple that with my realization that I held me back in highschool by not accepting the changes in my classmates and myself that were evident to everyone but me, being out from under Father Niece's bug zapper and having the freedom and courage to be who we were meant to be... I can look forward to this reunion as a time to finally connect and maybe feel like I belong with these people that I was in school with for so long.