How's 40

Not much new in the world of geek other than Perugia. Who-gia? Per-u-gia. It's a little place in Italy that has come up in conversation and in art. Of course when I wanted to have a discussion about it I couldn't remember where I saw the artwork that was inspired by the Italian town. And in my minds eye I can only see a thumbnail sized snippet of the artwork. Thick black Old English letters that spell out Perugia on a warm toned red washed background. Lots of texture.... looks old... but I can't for the life of me figure out where I saw it. Grrr... so now to research to keep my mind from driving me nuts.

On the man front, sure, why not make it an intended pun, nothing new. I still don't know what I am doing wrong. And I am assured by relationship guru Chris Carter that I am doing something wrong. All the signs being evident and then suddenly not only am I not being visited on a regular basis, I am being pointedly ignored. Happy Birthday Week to me.

Oh yeah... its my birthday tomorrow. The big 4-0. Yeah I don't really know how I feel about that. On the one hand I don't really FEEL 40. I FEEL 20. I feel like I still have a whole life ahead of me to figure things out. But then I always felt that way when term paper deadlines loomed and I always pulled an A+paper our of my ass with a breathless half second to spare. I work better under pressure? Procrastination is my middle name? Uh.... I need shorter deadlines to accomplish things? Dunno. It's kinda moot anyway. The odds that I would be able to pull a fantastic Hail Mary play out of my ass to make the last 10-5 years of my life amazingly and awesomely comfortable are... well... astronomical. As for how I look at the past part of my life from the 40 year old perspective, well...

I definitely had great moments. Val and Palette helped to make high school bearable. I managed to relax a little so John, Jeff and Wayne could actually be part of my academic social scene. I spent a crazy amount of my school week babysitting and cultivating skills I didn't know I had. And I guess Lisa and DJ worked right alongside Val and Paulette. Nothing like having to deal with adults on adult topics with my stupid teenage arse almost on parr with them as parents to make you grow up really fast. Yes, my grandparents were my first best friends so the way was paved. But the real world experience of speaking with adults on their terms when you don't have the grandparents as a safety net... that is key. And of course working with Rita in the religious Ed center, being treated as an adult, as an equal and being part of the creative team instead of just being the muscle made a huge impact on me. 4 years of vacation bible school prep and execution helped me understand efficiency and planning so that my daycare years were as profitable as they were pleasurable. And Rita was always grateful for the help she got. She didn't take advantage the way some adults would have. And she didn't make presumptions about my availability. Daycare was awesome. A business woman at 19? Who knew I could do that? I didn't.

I remember going to bed every night for 6 months worried sick that I had taken a huge risk that wouldn't pan out. I worried that the experience I'd had sitting Rosie's kids, working in Carol and then Chris's daycare wasn't enough. I worried that no one would want a 19 year old daycare provider. As the 6 months dragged on I worried that my savings would run out and I'd have to go home. How would I face my mother? Or my friends that were so impressed with what I had done.

And there is more awesomeness. The "Group" I fell into my last year in high school. Talk about a great group of people. Non judgemental, welcoming, smart, funny and encouraging. For the first time in my life I hit a ball out of the park while with them. I found the confidence to try new things because they were safe. And I wasn't the only entrepreneur in the group. Shoot, if I hadn't messed up the signals I could have had a boyfriend back then. I got close, that's how I found out that I have great massage hands. We all got in a Conga line of sorts and gave back rubs one night. I still remember walking almost hand in hand under the stars in Tom and Dave's subdivision on Long Lake. But the next time I met that boy I messed up the signals. Those were great days when I never found fault with myself because the people I was with were not the fault finding kind. And the daycare days were awesome. My daycare parents made me take pay raises. My Marquette days after the darkness of a bad marriage and a divorce were just as awesome. Togo's was a great job.

Yeah, in 40 years I've had some great moments. In the difficulties of growing up, physical pain from horrible muscle cramps and the emotional stuff that I will most likely never talk about here... Hey look, there is something I won't blog about!! Told ya there was [wink wink nudge nudge] I never thought I would see happiness or even contentment. Between 8 and 14, I saw only a dark future for myself. No child should ever see that as a future. And when I say dark, I mean dark... Rob Zombie blood and guts dark. And then between 28 and 36 it was pretty dark too. Lots of information came that needed to be processed. But the great moments are still here, and getting greater all the time.

I've reconnected with some great friends from school, and with people that I hadn't given a chance before, I'm meeting new people all the time, found my backbone and am learning how to use it, I've had artwork published, found a great job with great coworkers, I am finding my stride as a healing arts practitioner, found a half sister and in so doing learned to hold firm to my intuition even when it seems as though it couldn't possibly happen.

Sure, there are things I would have liked to have happen in the past 40 years. I would like to have been to a star trek convention, have a steady life partner (husband seems too rigid a term), have my rubber stamp business, the guts to sell my artwork and maybe have a gallery showing. But you know something? I have years left in me. It's not like it 40 is the end of my life. I'm not even sure that it is half of my life. With Gerbstadt, Lauenstein and Crocker longevity being what it is, I have 7 years before I find the half way point. The genetics of those 3 families means that I will always look a little younger than my chronological age, which helps you feel young enough to do youthful things so the 40 years I will turn tomorrow isn't much different that the 20 years I turned in 1990.

Sure there are a lot of things you can say that I "should" be doing/have at 40. But if I subscribed to that then the homogeny I fight at every turn would win and I'd be part of the blandness that threatens to make our lives nothing but beige and cream, potatoes and boiled meat, vanilla ice cream without the chocolate sauce. And we can't have that. And while I'm not enthusiastic about my living conditions, they are after all only temporary. And my choices lead me to a circumstance where this could happen. 40 at least offers me the opportunity to see with wiser eyes that a change in action brings a change of circumstance. Yeah, I kinda always knew that in the back of my head. Now that it is foremost in my mind, it, rather than anger or depression, is the guiding principle of my thought process... logic of a different algorithm if you will.

How is 40, Curtis? 40, as the rest of life, will be awesome with you and our brothers and sisters in it. No matter what else happens, our connections keep life interesting and stable. What else could a creative geek ask for?