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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Internal Struggle

There is a lot going on right now despite work slowing to a crawl. I have many things to sort out, plans to make and goals to set. One such goal is NaNoWriMo. If it is true that I produce much better with short deadlines then being a week from the start should be good motivation. I hope that is the case. Currently, the Internal Struggle between the Should Do list & the Want to Do list is keeping me awake at night.

This could not be the worst time of the year for NaNo from where I sit. I have to work. As a single woman I have to support myself and not lose the place that I am living. So writing in near seclusion for a month seems like a fantasy. It's a good fantasy. And it is the kind of fantasy that has given us great fiction throughout history. Its just that the chance of producing money with this goal is so slim... I just heard thunder so the chance of being fried by an errant bolt is greater in this moment than producing a work of profitable fiction. Therein lies the struggle:

All of my dilemmas are now boiled down to the basest denominator and that is the question: Will it make money? With the follow up being, If it won't make money why do it? I have never been so regulated by money as I have been in the last few years. If there is no profit in it for me I do not want to do it. While I do know that there are other profits than dollars and scents, I am hard pressed to see them right now. To continue riding this train of thought will invariably lead to a wreck. So why am I doing it? Fear. I know, its an inky black shadow of something so small that no one should really be worried about it. And yet... it also seems sane to worry about losing your living quarters.

Damn it! I am a creative individual. We take risks. Why should I let these things get to me? Why should I believe that there is so slim a chance? Why take the side of fear? I know that is not all that I know. I know more than fear. I know success.

I started a business that made good money.
I submitted artwork for publication and was selected for 5 different print runs.
I know how to do this and half the work is done for me.

I struggle with the knowledge that I am equipped to do this alone if I have to and the desire to not do this alone. But I want my cheering section to let me do this on my terms. I've never really had that anywhere but with Michelle. Most of the cheers have come with strings attached. I am just not that kind of girl. On a side note, I think that I would work poorly with a patron no matter how badly I want one. Patrons can become "micro-managy" and I do not handle people who boss me around. Especially when I think I know better, I have a good internal compass. I'm good at following it. It's just that a wide open Ocean under wide open skies on a dark moonless night are more than a tad unnerving. And I feel like I am the only one on my tall ship and there are no stars to steer by.

Of course this could all be part of the panic that is Anxiety Disorder.
It could also mean that I am not getting enough me time to settle myself down and find that rational part of my poor little cave-woman brain. No offense to our prehistoric ancestors intended!!!!

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