Harder Before Easier

Last year around this time we began our travels across the country side. It had actually begun a bit earlier when we were looking for places to rent. We decided that this region was not only easier to navigate but prettier and would yield more interesting pictures in the Spring and Summer. Plus mushrooms. A lot of things change in a year. My navigator and guide is no longer with me. And it isn't easy to look at the huge collection of photos that I have of the time together, adjust the plans we made together for this year and then look out the window onto a world that feels wrong in every sense of the word.


While it wasn't the healthiest relationship in the end, at least it started out healthier than any I've been in before. I didn't come to it in as weak a position as I have with others... though also not the strongest. It was a manageable situation that didn't need to strain anyone. And we enjoyed last Spring and Summer tremendously. I had the time to enjoy it. That is not the case this year.

I do not have time. And I don't have the physical ability to do much beyond my job. Currently I am in the most physically demanding position that we have and am out of shape for it. When I get home I can barely move... thus staying close to home for the wildlife shots. Listening to the birds this morning is driving me nuts. Today would be the perfect day to mushroom hunt. There are going to be lots of photo ops in the woods. There will be lots of mushroom. It is the perfect time to get those budding shots of the trees.

This is the moment in the circle of life when it seems as though the plants are holding their breath. They are in partial bloom, not fully unfurled lest it snow again. They wait. And the rest of creation waits for that magic moment when everything finally bursts open fully and the active season launches for real. I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for it to be safe to be fully alive and awakened again. And I keep waiting for that familiar phone number to text me to say that breaking up was all a mistake... even after the snotty email I sent.

It is drizzling this morning. Somehow the feeling in my heart matches the day and I can not even contemplate the next few months without him. Everything changed in the blink of an eye 6 weeks ago. I don't even have the defenses that I used to have. All am can do is feel... every nerve is on fire. Every memory is a scald....

Perhaps this is a good day for some Wilden Tränen, the sky cries and so do I.

Found Coral

So after I post this I joined a mushroom identification forum. My post mortem ID was wrong. This is actually a dead Hen of the Woods. NOT a Coral. Every thing else written here is correct.

Summer Vacation: kayaking

It isn't exactly like loading up a woody with the boards inside and heading out singing a song, but it will have to do. A MacGyvered rack made of paddles and pool noodles carried two kayaks to a spot on the Boardman River a bit south of town. We toddled along the river for a hour and a half on a cool enough day to avoid bugs and early enough to avoid indecent sun exposure. My face would have killed me if we were out any longer.

So obviously I do not have a waterproof camera. This is a composition
collage from two visits to the same stretch of river. If I had a waterproof
camera there would be pictures of us in the kayaks on the water.... and maybe
up close shots of the water hazards. Well, maybe not just yet. I'm not that fast
with the shutter or the steering. 

The whole experience was awesome. For someone who has never done it before, kayaking was a blast. Of course my boyfriend wouldn't let me get into anything too far over my head. His basic instructions and a few minutes to myself on the water to get the feel for it without the judging glare you get from other people and I was good to go. I even felt bold enough at one point to rock my Otter back and forth to see just how far it would let me lean. In that respect it is a little like riding a horse. Or a motorcycle... so I have heard.

That was a few weeks back. It's taken a while to post because my new position keeps me a lot busier than the old one did. And there has been some illness and other happenings between then and now. I have another post to make about another day trip. And I think I am behind in my lighthouse updates. Oh wait... have I told you we have been to some lighthouses? I think I am behind in a lot of things.

I've been so busy it almost feels like I have the old group back together. The only difference is that I am forty and instead of being rejuvenated I am plum tuckered out at the end of these excursions. Why didn't I do these things in my 30s?