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Monday, March 17, 2014

Marching Forward

Hello Friends,
Well, here we are in the home stretch. I am working on packing up and heading out on the next chapter of my life. I don't know why I can't sit still more than a year in one house.... except for the fact that I can't seem to find the right flat mate. I still seem to fool myself into thinking that there are a host of things that I can live with for the sake of a place to live. But the truth of the matter is that I can't.

I share a flat with a geek. And while on the surface that should seem to be enough because I have been bereft of geek friends for the majority of my life, I can definitively say that it is not. Friends, you need the right kind of geeks. It isn't a question of decamping into tyrannical stereotypes and forming enclaves to battle with others. No. It is a question of blending two flavors of compatible liquids instead of having to constantly shake the oil and water to make a mixture of perfection. I am an intellectual geek with a broad social awareness and broader still scope of general interests. My flat mate is a music geek with no social conscience and no scope of interest beyond the connoisseur-ship of alcoholic beverage.

There are things for which general geekhood can not compensate. Age being chief among them. While I still act like a child on many occasions, I am capable of doing adult things like feeding myself appropriately portioned and nutritious foods, cleaning the shower and doing the dishes. I have had a situation here which, while for the most part has been a lot of fun (trip to GR, long urban hikes, and movie nights) has devolved into something akin to the 1980s movie Single White Female, or something parallel to a mother-daughter relationship. That is an age thing.

What is not an age thing is a characteristic that falls under the purview of social awareness. Where one has an awareness of the greater world at large there is an implicit understanding that action have consequences and some of those consequences are heaped onto others. My flat mate is devoid of any care beyond her and her immediate needs. While I was warned of this fairly early on in the co-habiting situation, I had not thought that the "I love to stir pots" (gossip not cooking) credo was immune to the pinky swear. Apparently what is said on the couch does not stay on the couch. And a flat mate, which by vicinity is an intimate relationship, is not immune to the pot stirring. I shared details of a situation that was beyond troubling that was occurring at work. I made her promise that she would say nothing as I outlined possible consequences for me if she did. And I have been told that the very next day that she worked she ran face to face to a male co-worker and reported my role in his being reprimanded for harassment.

It isn't that she accidentally let it slip while he was in ear shot. It is that no less than 4 people saw her gleefully, animatedly, as a blood hound on the scent of prey, sought him out and confessed my actions to him. This all happened in August, right before we took that Grand Rapids trip. I found out about it in September, beginning of October when others finally came forward and he was discharged. And that is when I decided that I would not renew my lease. It is also when I ceased to care about including her in meals. I wasn't being compensated for them any way. While praise on facebook is fine however, once the penny pinching starts then I should be compensated for the food which I had to prepare especially for her dietary restrictions.

A lot of things changed for us when I learned about her betrayal. And a lot of things changed at work. The accused man then went to a superior and lied about my work performance and came to me to accost me and dared me to tell on him again. I did. And once he knew who told on him, his gal pals then behaved very differently toward me, retaliating with their own set of lies. So here I am forced to deal with a new set of consequences that would not have entered into the picture if she could have kept her promise or were even aware of the greater world at large.

One could chalk this all up to her immaturity. One could chalk it up to a lack of social awareness. One could also chalk it up to a personality that enjoys the drama and sorrows the drama causes others. Indeed, all of those characteristics are a part of the picture. So does the quality of being a Geek excuse the rest? Is the quality of Geekness of suitable value to be compensation for these destructive qualities?

I ask, dear friends, because I want you to think. In the Venn Diagrams of your passions & hobbies, your skills and your beliefs, do you have the room to accept someone with destructive qualities because the shared qualities are of great enough value? Or, do you let those people orbit you on the outer rims of those circles to avoid the intense effects of their closer proximity? Or, without thinking, have you caused yourself undue heart ache by allowing someone like this to be too close because you are blinded by the joy of admitting another member to the tribe?

Admittedly, I was blind by the idea of living with someone of compatible interests. And as I am marching forward into a new relationship (which only brought out more destructive behavior) and seeking new employment because the situation at work is completely untenable for the long term, I am now faced with a greater dilemma than before: solitude or trust again?

There is no question that I am not paid well enough to live on my own without a second job. And there is no question that I am not physically well enough for two jobs as I barely manage one. My BF and I would like to live together, but am I facing another situation where I wonder if I am blinded by the Geek. There is no question that he will keep my secrets because I will tell very few of them any more. And there is no question that we will not be arguing about what to watch or listen too. But there is some question about other matters. I have to decide if I can live with those situations... Geek or no geek.

Because we live in isolation so much of our lives it is tempting to overlook a myriad of issues just to feel like we are not alone. Women do this a lot by nature. Instead of waiting for the right man they take the first man that comes along. Geekhood is another way that we like to make exceptions. But here again, friends, it must be the right Geek. Not the first Geek. Or second, third, fourth.... the right one.

So until I know for sure that he is the right Geek for cohabiting, I shall wander the countryside as a gypsy again. While in wandering there may be quite a bit of time between posts. So do not fear. I am here and well.... just not Wi-Fi ready.


  1. I have serious possibilities for you to add to those you already have should you care to have - email please if interested