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Sunday, February 17, 2013


And maybe I should be committed.

As I stand on the precipice of an old life that doesn't function the way that I want it to, I am looking into a landscape that is foreign looking, smelling and sounding. I am disoriented by the array of color and texture on the contours of the landscape below me. There are so many new smells wafting on the thermals. I don't know what they are or what emits them and I want to follow the scents until I find the source. The sounds range from sweet and lilting notes to thunderous rumblings that make your stomach curl. This is how life used to feel when I was a kid and my whole life stretched out in front of me like a never ending story. The future looks colorful and exciting. And it sounds like an amusement park.

And it makes me nervous. Just like amusement parks do. It is loud an colorful and I don't know what to expect. But the old life, like I said, isn't working for me. The ground is dry and hard. The air is stale and the sky is a dim blue grey and not the vibrant blue that we always want to see when we look up. The sun is dull. And I am ready to leave that dry crusty place behind.

And I am taking steps to get there. What steps? Well, would you believe that this geek is going to a gym? Yep. Just got the email that they are up and running. I have my new key which is a marvel of modern technology. So the first step is the gym.

The second step is on its way. I have made an investment in myself, a commitment to better health through whole foods without by products and excessive processing. It is also an investment in my time. Indeed, it is an investment. Though the large sum may be spread out over time, it is still a large sum. It is needed, necessary. And I am looking forward to the coming results.

Though I know that these things that I have done will make my life better. Better foods will help with the rosacea. But it will also help me to gain several steps on good health. One of those things that I hope to see the most improvement in is the realm of memory and mental health. I hope to survive the Seasonal Affective Disorder better next year. And I hope to have the strength of body to carry out the next phase of my life.

I am the sentry at the guardhouse of my castle. And I need to be strong.

And even though it is the thing that I need to do.  I still cringe at the thought of the money it takes to make these plans happen. And I feel a bit like I should be committed for the expense.

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