I do not know where I am. Finished Hape's book as I said I would. And his final insights have been helpful. The one that I have to look at today is this: You don't know how your journey will play out, or what you will have learned until you reach the end of the journey.
And the journey's end is different for everyone. For hundreds of thousands of people the journey ends with a reception of the Universe's choice in Santiago. Some people died on the Camino and their journey can be anywhere on the 300+ mile route. Others will reach a post site, collect their last stamp for the pilgrim's passport and go to bed only to realize the next morning that they are done. And for others the journey won't end until they are home. There were many places in which he thought that would not be able to continue. There were places where he was lost and it scared him or lost and he didn't care.
I am lost and scared on this leg of my journey. This is a process in which I have to purge pain. It is a place in which I am injured and have to stop because I did not stop when the injury happened. I wanted to be right, and be able to be proud of my accomplishments and I want to keep setting goals. The problem is that I have to do it with a team that doesn't want to keep doing more. And today it became apparent that no matter what I have said, the work that I have done really has gone unnoticed while the slander against me has been aided.
I've been crying since I got home and I am not 100% sure why. I am hurt. It's been a long time since I have had support during these times and in this kind of situation I find myself in. Just like on the Camino, when I needed help it came. Tow women that I work with took up a chorus of support. And not to take my side but because it is right. And without knowing any of the details of my difficulty. It could not come at a better time today. So I am crying in part because I've gone on too long without having done so? Or because I got the support I needed and wasn't sure would come? Ever. And in part because..... I am close to an end but not the end I would have chose?
I don't know. I can't say for sure until I get to the next phase and see what is there.