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Monday, April 6, 2015

Fill in the BlanksAfter

After a break up there is always that period of self loathing in which you wonder what you could have done differently, who you should have been to keep things going. No matter who you dated, Prince Charming or Gaston, when you get dumped you always think that it is your fault.

Spent some time with the therapist today. She's the voice of reason. Everyone else wants to start the She-Woman Man-Haters support group or remodel me so that the BF and I can get back together. It never is as simple as "It was the wrong relationship." But in fact... it is that simple. Relationships don't last when each person is not allowed to be themselves. I'd like to tell you that I am writing this with a completely level head but I am not. I am writing this to CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!!

I am angry.
I am angry because I let myself erode to the point that when things got bad I shut up then shut myself off in order to preserve what was left that I had not given up. I am angry because of the broken promises, things being harder than what I had planned on, plans that are down the drain. I am angry because I was expected to change and accept some bad behavioral choices as personality traits. I am angry because I am not supposed to hate his actions. He can hate mine, and criticize me all he wants to. But not one word can be said against his choices because that is an attack on his personhood.

I hate double standards. Either the ganders start sharing the spoils with the geese or the ganders just gather together and leave the geese alone. Men shouldn't get a free pass because they are men. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter who is doing it. Attacking someone's personality because you feel inadequate is not any different than bullying a kid on the playground.

After an hour, there are many things that I need to think about. One of those things is why I am always willing to believe that I am the inadequate one.

So here is a poster to help remind me that sometimes it isn't me. Not directly. Sometimes its just that the other person can not handle my stronger traits. Be it jealousy, self loathing, fear... something in the guys just can not deal with me. I always think it is a deficiency within myself. It rarely occurrs to me that it is a deficiency within themselves.

This is some thing that I will have to change.

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