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Friday, July 17, 2015

Rent Free Living

Most of the time I can pinpoint what went wrong in a relationship and find the source of whatever angst there is. Finding the source and repairing the damage are two different things. Knowing what it is and that I can't really do anything about it helps to get through the rough patches. But sometimes there is no knowing.

With some people you can go about your business and then have things go to shit without you ever knowing the why. In those cases, people just aren't mature enough to articulate a complaint, a problem or a frustration. They just lash out. And they keep lashing.

I have no idea what started the issue I am currently experiencing. It seems to have some parallels to the last dating relationship. Every time this person sees me there is nothing but snotty derision, snorting and condescending diatribes. I barely even know this person. And I barely see them. But clearly I have done something totally offensive and the tantrum of a 9 year old is what I am getting.

What is clear is that whatever I have done that has bothered the individual is so heinous that the effect is immediate, without thought, without preparation. This is a clear indication that I am currently living rent free in someone's head. I sit there at all times and agitate the little grey cells of the brain matter so that there is never going to be the slightest bit of polite interaction. How do I know?

Because I have had free-loaders in my head a time or two in my life and that is what they are able to do to me. It isn't their fault when it happens it is mine. I am either being a softy and giving in when I do not want to or I am erring on the side of caution and avoiding conflict resolution. It was not the fault of any individual who got close enough to the inner parts of my brain to take of residence. It was mine. Mine for not being honest or vigilant, which ever the case may be. Mine because rather than address an issue head on I pretended things didn't bother me until they did and then they boiled over. It wasn't their fault that they were in my head any more than it is my fault that I am in this person's.

This is the kind of thing that could bother me a lot. But it doesn't. Some things have changed the last few years. One of those things is my level of not caring who likes me. I never cared when I was a kid. I only wanted to know why people picked on me. And it turns out they picked on my because I paid no attention to them. Well, this could very well be one of those instances. I am simply not impressed with anything this person does and this person needs constant validation. The problem is that the method of asking for validation is to talk to people like they don't know anything. I never have responded well to grandiose bragging. And you simply can not assume that I don't know a thing about baking or cooking and talk to me like I wouldn't know fondant from fondue.

Why is my validation necessary? All that could be desired comes from so many other sources that my opinion can scarcely matter. But it does. Since my mental landlord seems so intent on being rude there seems to be no end to this situation in sight. I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with people who can not be self controlled or honest with themselves. Nor do I have the time and inclination to throw gold stars at people who merely show up to life. So the landlord seethes.

And I enjoy every minute of it. The attacks are unwarranted and childish. It serves no purpose. Since the behavior is senseless and pointless I have decided to enjoy the fact that my existence unnerves someone to their marrow. It is similar to the detente that I reached with my mother. And I am just German enough for this to be fun.

To Schadenfreude!

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