on failure

Wil got a gig on Criminal Minds after blowing a "big" audition. Sympathy and encouragement abound on the comments pages. Advice flies like shrapnel on a battlefield when he posts. And its usually Wil calming himself, and then us by sharing what the experience has taught him. I love this guy. And it got me to thinking about my own failures.

When I should succeed and I don't there is always this gnawing thing in the bottom of my stomach that starts laughing at me when it's through feeding on my innards. And then that laugh goes right up my spine and tries to squash anything else that comes up. My writing this Summer for one. For two, my choice to be a housekeeper. I know sum of all parts and all. But what I find most odd is that I can not find the words to comfort myself in times of debilitating doubt. Why can I remember Picard's advice to Data "It is possible to have committed no error and still lose." when I want to make someone else feel better? Where are those words when I need them?

But where is my evolution stalled when all I care about is how I feel? When I fail to get recognition, could it be so that someone else may have a turn in the spotlight? Could it be that the person who replaces me can't handle rejection as well as I? You know, God not giving us more than we can bear and all that.

In many cases it is self sabotage. I am afraid of success.

I said it. It's out in the open. It's posted on the net. I am afraid to fly. I know how to fall, it hurts and it's not a very graceful, but I know how to do it. And as yet, i haven't learned how to "fall with style."