I realized last night why my brother thinks he needs me. And I also realized how I am feeding that need. And I think it plays into that fear I have a people who glom onto me with sticky needy couldn't find their way out of an open paper bag fingers.
I am my brother's other wife.
okay, get out of the gutter. THAT isn't what I meant.
I was dad's other wife when I was a kid. My mom suffered something stronger than post partum depression after my brother was born. Dad and I raised him. I taught him to walk and his alphabet, just like I taught my sister. I kept him from eating soap. I helped dad do all the big sisiter things that big sisters do. And then mom started to not want to leave the house. For six years I went to every family reunion, wedding anniversary and funeral (out numbered everything else) as a family representative because mom wouldn't go and dad didn't want to be embarrassed by going alone. We gave the excuse that one of my sibs was sick. And I sat at the grown up tables.
I think that messed me up for school because I couldn't relate to kids my own age. I expected a bit more. Enter repression and the fun I am having at work now. Topics for later. But the point is... everyone has always expected me to be the one to drop my life when there is an issue. I don't mind doing it... stepping in. But I do mind having to do it to the exclusion of all else... including my goals and fulfilling my dreams. Of which my own stamp business is one. But I have even had to lie about that to keep him from tamopering with this inheritence like he did the last.
With his wife going camping with her mom this week, he is looking to have another body around the hous. He can't be alone. I don't know how I never saw it before. Maybe sleep deprivation has it's upside. Not!!! he doesn't want me to trust my heart and meet someone because then he won't have a stand in. I know he'll want me to make goulash even though he is perfectly capable. He doesn't want me to have my own business because then I will have a legitimate no to his requests for help or attention that he can not override.
And I fed it. I so desperately have wanted him to like me since we were little that I have complied. Everytime. Without fail. Of course this week when I hang out I will get somethign in return. I'm not doing anything until he has photos posted on my profile. He will never like me and want to be my friend because he is a geek hater. I will never be anything more than a geek. And yet that is all one should aspire to be... there is only geek. i digress...
My point is, I have always been the psuedo mom. More so than in the typical family since mom checked out of our lives mentally and emotionally. I will never be close to my siblings like the Walton kids were close because they still think of me as a mom. Thus making my "failures" that much more frustrating for them. I am a bigger disappointment than I should be. And they have no clue.
They have no chance of having a clue. Neither of them are self reflective enough to get to this point with me. Experience has taught me that I can't teach them this. I have to make a break for it. Problem is... I am caught in a gravitational field with a busted nacelle. Damn! Where is LaForge?
I think it's time you let someone else like you. I also think it's time you stop blaming yourself for your brother's inadequacies.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should consider the reason your brother needs you so badly is because you are a person of extreme value. I'm not saying the relationship is healthy and I'm not advocating you being his wife/mother.
It is very possible that your self-described sleep deprivation has forced you to understand your enabling tendencies and that should never be disregarded. Who knows? Maybe this is the first step towards salvation.
You don't have to be his mother/wife any longer. He has a real wife for that, and he's too old to need a mommy. Maybe his world won't shatter if he is left to his own devices. Will yours?
I don't think so. I think you've had enough. I think you're ready. There is nothing wrong with fearing that first step. And if we find others who will hold our hands and walk that first step with us, then we've already succeeded.
You go, girl.
By the way, thanks for linking to me!
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