I found this interesting little tidbit from a little over 6 years ago. One parallel between then and now is that I am seething. I have spent the last 4 days in an emotional agony that I barely can comprehend.
Every path that I run down to find a way out just makes me more furious because it goes absolutely no where. So I am stuck with Winter approaching and on the lookout for that break. It might have come from an acquaintance. There are conditions with that which require me to have money. I will not for a few more weeks. It may come from a coworker but I won't know for a while what will come of that. What I do know is that I have to rely more on myself than on others. And should there be an opportunity to move beyond where I am at, I can not count on any of the tales of partnership that I have been fed for so many years.
There are no Golden Girls. There is to be no Baldwin Sisters scenario. And in no way shape or form will there ever be a time in which I live a Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert life. It doesn't matter what romantic symbol of relationship that someone asks me to indulge in. Very simply, it will never come to pass. These are stories told to gain my loyalty, my willingness to comply, and lull me into a false sense of security. I am only asked to share these stories so that it seems like I can live forever somewhere. I fall for it every time. I have to find a way to steal myself against the daydreams of others. My own are hard enough to deal with. I work in cooperation with other peoples goals and mine fall by the wayside. And then when I have troubles I am too much.
I have run into a bunch of gatekeepers lately. Actually, I've been running into them. It's only recently that I learned what a gatekeeper is. And it is as dysfunctional and dystopic a human condition as you ever want to run into. Gatekeepping is where you suffer from some affliction and then you get to determine to what degree others who suffer the same are allowed to express frustration with or are worn out by that affliction and need to take time to tend to it. Gatekeeping also allows you to reprimand others for not standing up to a disease and bully them in their absence to anyone who will listen. For example: the coworker who suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis will show up many days while feeling like crap. Someone else will call in because of their "bad knees" or other ailment and that coworker sits in the break room belittling everyone who has ever called in. One would think that the RA sufferer would have zero absences as he/she is the hero of diligence. Not so. Coworker gets to the point where he/she can't take it and calls in. Then if anyone says to him/her something like her tirades he/she gets mad and threatens to go to management with a complaint of "not respecting the individual". Gatekeepers suck. And there is a gatekeeper for every illness, fiscal situation, and relationship gone wrong.
Gatekeepers have all the answers for you, a few for themselves. When you suffer alongside of them you are compatriots. When you suffer in an out of sync cycle then you are a bottom feeder sucking the life out of everyone. You are the reason the social fabric is unraveling. I see it in personal circles. I see it on the world stage of US politics home and abroad. The compassion that one hopes to find in anyone is gone and all of the hate that has been kept in check by manners is over running the spillway. It is harder and harder to see the compassion in people.
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