He who must not be named has done something to defy what I have always thought that I knew about him. He put a profile on [redacted]. This intensely personal person, who couldn't acknowledge my presence in a gas station while we stood shoulder to shoulder in line, has a profile up where I can find him. He is listed, meaning either made an accepted friend request or accepted a friend request from, the liar and the accomplice. Won't this make Verta smack the jeebus out of me? Oh, not because I went looking for him. Because I didn't. I found him by accident because I have been conversant with another friend there. But he would not normally put himself where he can be found. So now I am thinking things for which Verta indeed will smack me.
Part of me hopes that they (the L & Acc.) are planning to work with him to repair some of the damage that was done. Just so that there isn't the bad energy in the group. Neither person has told me that I can't go to the reunion. Part of me suspects that there is further torment ahead. But the part of me that is frustrated right now is the part that took the one, miniscule thought of repair, and ran headlong into... go back and fix things and have the John Cusack movie ending.
The part of me that has resented being the only one to suffer, even though that was my choice based on bad information, wants to be released from this prison. Nothing more. Just release. The part of me that says I did the noble thing and rewards itself with the thought that no one actually was wounded, maimed or killed because I chose sacrifice, wants a reward. The reward is the same in either case... He will forgive and we will go forward.
It won't happen. If he were planning anything so predictable, then he would have sent me a friend request. He would not, could not, make the same mistake and trust those two to relay any information. Could he?
And why would I torture myself like this again?
Why indeed. Verta usually says something profound like, "obviously, I: a) haven't learned anything, b) I like having the jeebus smacked out of me at regular intervals, c) our karma isn't finished, d) even so, if I'd like to wait for another lifetime to deal with him, I can opt for that and quit tormenting myself in this one." What I would have to say is that my constant diet of Guiding Light as a child, has totally ruined any concept of reality when it comes to relationships. For the life of me, I cannot understand why I would want a mulligan in this game. My ball is so far into the sandtrap I'm surprised I haven't been eaten by Jabba's pet worm. If I wanted to repeat the pain of the past, I would want Ethan back. He at least chose someone else out of honor to a previous promise. And Ethan would have let me explain if I had done something bad to him the way that He Who thinks I have done. Of that I have no doubt.
How stupid do I have to be to cause myself this kind of anguish again? Part of the answer is the most singular and grotesque recurring incident involving this entire situation. With only one noteable exception, everytime I have been interested in someone, I have dreamt of He Who.
I am certain that most people go through the same process of attraction that I do. Instant heat, building into infatuation and then a constant burning flame. The point of instant attraction is where the problem starts. Once I get home and get to thinking about that instant spark, some kind of soul deep recognition that would normally be the point at which I begin to plan how to continue to run into this person... I dream of him. The dream is always the same theme though the locations change. He is set apart from our crowd of friends. He looks at me with those puppy eyes that beg to go for a ride too. But alas, he is left at the front window. And then our friends tell me how upset he is... then there is panic. He is lost. We all search for him. He won't be found.
I have had this dream EVERYTIME I've liked someone. The boyfirend who cost so much money was the only exception. If I had had the dream I would be financially so much further ahead. But that is neither here nor there. The instant I wake from the dream the spark is gone. And that is how I have a preponderance of good guy friends. And yes, anxious readers... ACG included.
I haven't really been taken with anyone since I met ACG. So the other night when I dreamt of He Who, before finding his profile on [redacted], I was shocked out of my senses.
And that I think is what makes me nuts. I never have any peace. I can't move forward. Everytime I try, I am yanked back. I don't know what will make the dreams go away. And I am puzzled as to why I din't dream about him when I obviously needed to be warned off of someone who would ultimately be bad for me. Yes, I put stock in dreams. They must be useful for something. In this instance, I don't know what.
How do I move forward with this albatros around my neck? The evil part of me says I hope he suffers likewise; "It'd serve him right." But this is just pure torture. I really like ACG and he deserves someone who can be devoted to him and his family. I have to face facts though... if this is still around me then I don't have any business wanting to be more than friends with anyone. If that don't take the wind out of my sails... I don't know what will.
Introspection bites.
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