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Monday, August 10, 2009

Summer breezes'

Wish they were blowing like the jasmine in my mind. But they are more the variety that tosses dried up leaves around like shingles in hurricane. This Summer has flown by so fast. And I feel like I have not accomplished anything at all. Oh, except to get myself into a lot of trouble with some tangled up emotions and the hope for something that I have no hope of having.
Cryptic, yes. I don't really feel like being less cryptic either. I haven't really sorted anything out on the subject that most befuddles me... guys. And I still have this burning question...
If he so OBVIOUSLY has an interest, why does he resist the very idea of even going out once? No one in the world would think he didn't like me. Stevie Wonder can see that much from his Detroit home! I have made it very clear that I am interested. We've only been dancing around the subject for a month now, each of us practicing the kind of one up-man-ship that can only end in tears as we tease each other with more entendre and innuendo than Bruce Willis could have sling in Moonlighting. [Or Castle, to keep it contemporary]
It is just so infuriating... to always be on the brink of diving into something... well... something. Good bad or ugly, it would be something. Personally, I think it could be Anne&Wil kinda great since we are Anne&Wil kinda joined at the hip at work. But he has these rules that are designed to avoid the pain of the past. I have all these reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship. Those reasons are footnoted with examples from every bad choice anyone around me has ever made with a guy/girl. And I know I have those reasons as a defense. I also know that if Sir Knight would be willing to take the plunge, I would throw all those reasons into a supermassiveblackhole. And I operate from the belief that he would do the same thing.

You see, when we have these reasons/rules/quid pro quos it is because of the past. We mean to insulate ourselves from more of the same kind of pain and heartache that we've seen before. He has said he doesn't need anyone to love him. I've said the same thing. I know I was lying. I need some one. We ALL need someone. We just say that in moments of weakness when we realize that we have opened ourselves to someone who could be holding a knife, not a bouquet of flowers, behind their back. I do it all the time. And I think he did it as a knee jerk reaction to his own defenselessness. I don't think that he was prepared for how willing he was to lower his defenses. So he snapped at me. He lied to himself and hoped that I would, in my customarily conspiratorial manner, go along with it. I respected the line he drew. I would have preferred to storm the castle.
But I am scared too. Even with the distinct advantage of seeing him at life with a variety of people, I am scared. I have seen him get defensive, ready to take up arms against invading Huns on behalf of our co-workers who are being denigrated/harassed or maligned by their partners. I have seen him charge to the defense of the defenseless when higher management has taken a heavy handed approach to things. I have seen him struggle with his desire to comfort a coworker as he would his grandchild, trying to keep from crossing a line, professionally. He doesn't dink around at work like most men in his position would. He does not feel that a task is beneath him and lends a helping hand freely with a few snotty comments... to keep his man cred. He would do anything for anybody. And what he does for me at work is a few steps beyond what he would do for anyone else. Something in him invokes the archetype of a gentle giant.
At over 6 feet tall, with a lumbering figure reminiscent of Paul Bunyan and fingers as thick as sausages he presents an intimidating form. One expects that he has the grace of a bull in a china shop. He couldn't be more gentle. I have been surprised on more than one occasion by this. And I am surprised by his thoughtfulness, more so by his refusal to allow me to do anything nice for him in return. Sir Knight has a booming laugh and a boisterous manner but is also capable of the most tender of inquiries. His eyes express so much more than the words that he uses. I am not afraid of this man. This is a fact that scares me.
More than anything else; thoughts of an intimate encounter, telling him about my issues when the time comes, introducing him to my family should it ever get that far, meeting his daughter and granddaughter if it gets that far, making good on the things that we tease each other with... nothing scares me more than realizing that I am not afraid of him. Fear keeps me wary. It is the animal portion of ourselves that we retain as a kind of early warning system. Fear keeps us lean, mean and protected. If I am afraid of a guy enough, he can't hurt me. I'm not afraid of Sir Knight. Sir Knight can hurt me.
But, judging from his defenses, he thinks that I can hurt him too. This is a sobering thought. It means that I have to be cautious though I want to throw caution to the wind and one day take him by surprise. But this rule is there for a reason. And he won't tell me why. If I knew why, I could make an argument for overriding this rule. But he doesn't know if I am safe enough to avoid hurting him. So I wait for him to make sure that I am safe enough to trust.
The other truth of the matter is that when we make these rules we make them and want someone to give us a reason to abandon them. It goes with the saying "I don't need anyone to love me." We want someone to make the rule go away. I want to be the reason that he gives up the rule.
But I don't want to wait and keep teasing each other cause it is driving me nuts.