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Monday, September 14, 2009

Tis the season to be melancholy...
fa la la la la la la la la

It is mid September, the beginning of an emotionally charged season. This is the time of year that I lose people, Grampa & Gramma, Dad, Matt and Larry. It is the time of year when the most profound changes in my life take place. I feel the onset of seasonal depression and I am at the point where I definately have to say goodbye to the last of the physical connections to Dad and a place of safety.
For weeks now I have wanted to cry. I was out with my sister in law and caught the scent of dying leaves and warm dark dirt which instantly brought me to a place in Marquette's Park Cemetary that was a place of meditation and refuge for me while I was there. I said good bye to a very dear friend there almost 15 years ago. Remembering the brilliantly lit autumn afternoon reminded me of so much of what I loved about Marquette... and what I left behind. It brought to mind another sad goodbye that left me devestated for months. And I longed to go home in such a way as I never had before. All I could think about was going home to the hearts and hugs that remain for me there, to be wrapped in the fold again... to go where my love is always accepted and to receive without guilt and desire.
I am living with a coworker and her family while another and I are trying to figure out what we are doing on a more permanent basis. It is a small place. It is too small for 4 adults and 2 pets. But I haven't an option right now that is better. They are good people and very patient. But I have lived a lone for so long that it is a bit stifling. I am expected home for most meals and if I am not I have to call. I don't have to eat withthem but I have been invited to participate in the unit as a family member. But there is almost never any silence. It is not a haven. It just simply is.
I don't know if this is because I am such an introvert or because I am antisocial as a rule. But I want to run from all the connectivity. It makes me wonder what possesses me to want Sir Knight to plant his pennant in my territory. Okay if you put it that way, no I don't wonder. It's been 5 frickin' years. But the way I meant that comment, I do wonder. Can I even be in a relationship if I like my alone time so much?
Ah... why is life so full of sticky dilemas?