I've had a heady week in the land of social experimentation. I found myself fed up with the way that the dating websites have worked... not owrked. Andquite fed up with all the feelings that I can't make disappear by myself. So I signed up for a local site and didn't expect much of anything to happen. I know what is expected. Its just the hook up, an evening out. It isn't going to be a relationship of any term. Why would I do that?
Because I am not relationship material. I don't trust people with the intimate daily living. Sure, I hit the highlights for you guys here and on Twitter. But the deeper levels of intimacy: what I am really thinking/feeling/dreaming, that is all tucked away neatly on a shelf where I left it. No one handles those things but me. I've thought that I found a soul mate. I've thought that I found a partner. I've thought wrong. Or have I?
I may, in point of fact, have found him. But the condition in which this world left him for me to find, what he allowed to be done to him means that in this life there is not going to be anything of substance betwen us. He is my soul mate. But, in the cruelest twist of fate, he is "parted from me and never parted."
When I need someone my thoughts are never far from him. I had thought that flirty guy at work was the balm for my wounds. But they are more inflamed and irritated because I am still alone and find that I am not quite good enough for flirty guy. Which has lead me to wonder if I'm good enough for anybody. Which brings me to my newest social experiment.
And I find at this stage the same things lacking in this experience that I found lacking in my raga-playing friend. I might just as well be anyone. And even though I have found guys who like geeky girls, who are in effect looking for geeky girls, I am still not quite satisfactory enough. True, fate has thwarted my plans 3 times now. There is the rescheduling of events to come. But I suspect that in the middle, I will think of my beloved parted, realize that the date I am with doesn't need/want/think of me as Dodi and there will be the end of that.
We shall see. While the jury is out on this, the looks on their faces as they left the courtroom does not bode well.