The last post was long. But it needed to be said. And huge thanks to Matthias Reim. Music unlocks a lot of the things that stay bottled up inside of me. He isn't afraid to say what he is thinking. Honesty is so important. It only takes one brave person to show the way. Having said that, and not having a history of bravery, I should say this. I am scared to death of the repercussions.
I think that it is an honor to be the muse for a creative work. Poets, authors, painters and musicians throughout the ages have written about the things that happen to them. In so doing they have been the encouragement to meet life's and love's challenges head on. Okay, in a handful of cases you get a guy who says chuck it all for death. But leave that to the Goths. For the majority of the human population there is strength in the poem and songs that we love. We can't be afraid of ourselves. Fear is the foothold for others to begin to control us.
No really, think about it. When you are afraid of something don't you look outside of yourself for security? Once you do that then you begin to turn over the responsibility for your happiness, safety an livelihood, even your mind to someone whom you perceive to be smarter or stronger than you. Hearts want what hearts want. There should be no shame in that. And if you find yourself thwarted by another who does not share your heart's hopes and desires there is no shame in that either. Like I said in the epilogue yesterday... that is what I am sorry is for.
Why are we so afraid all the time? So someone may not think that you are what they are looking for. So what. So someone thinks you have stupid idea for accomplishing a goal at work. So what? And if your family thinks that you have a stupid idea for gainful employment? So what? Are egos so precious that we would hold ourselves back to preserve their smallness? We do it all the time. We let our fears be bigger than our abilities and then we have nothing. Are you really so insignificant that you should allow other people and their lack of imagination determine your life?
Friends, I don't mean to accuse with out admitting that I do the same thing. I am as frustrated with myself and my timidity as I am with the state if the American union. I can't change the state of the union. But I can change the state of my own condition. What happened to the gusto born of inspiring authors in high school? Where is the determination inspired by Walden, Thoreau, Wharton and the self determining transcendentalists? Where is the passion that I shared with Sting and the New Wavers to change the world and make it better? What ever happened to the anger that made me get out and do something that made things better for me and the people in my life? Fear took over when I wasn't looking.
Somewhere on this blog I've shared a quote about fear. It's this misty intangible thing that should be easier to kill than a scaly, fire-breathing dragon and is just as real as one. Yet it has more authority over my life than I do. Why? Why should it be that way?
Part of why I write here is to encourage others who stop by. But I have to be honest. I'm also trying to kick myself in the pants... get out of this foggy place that I am and make some changes that will lead me to a better place. I could just as easily approach my friend with the sad eyes and say let's talk. So why don't I? I am afraid. I am afraid that I'd just be poking a sleeping bear with a sharp stick. But what's he gonna do? Yell at me? He already did that and I lived. Hit me? That isn't in his character. Never talk to me again? Well... he tried that and he can't help himself. So why don't I open a hailing frequency? What is there to be afraid of? I don't know. I don't want to hurt his feeling either. And I don't want to push him into something he isn't ready to do. I'm afraid that there is an arbitrary and completely indeterminate number of times I can mess up and I'm afraid that number is two. I am afraid that I will reach a point in which sorry doesn't fix things. If that is the case then my opinion of him would change for the worse and I am rather attached to the picture I have.
And just how egotistical is that?!!!Friends our egos are the problem with everything. We let them have control of our lives and they act out of self interest with no regard to performing the tasks they were created for. My solution is to surround myself with examples of people who speak their heart, mind, truth and have the humility to say they are sorry when they need to. I will surround myself with those who would encourage others to follow their dreams and leave fear behind. The top of that list is full of artists: Sting, Michelle Ward, Wil Wheaton and now Matthias Reim.
Go and do what you were meant to do. Don't let others stop you. Don't stop yourself.