Just was over at Michelle Ward's blog for a quick peek. She is collecting socks for Japan is anyone is interested in sending some tangible support. At any rate, I see that her latest challenge is to illustrate in some way who our go to people are. In good times and bad, who do you tell the story of your life to?
I'm in a relationship. He should be my go to guy. But he isn't. I've been single for so long that the first place I go is my journal, on line or otherwise. I try. But there are some things that he is not equipped to handle. And we all know by now that I have left the girlfriends of my youth behind because when our roads forked in those yellow woods I was far more curious about the road less traveled. It didn't seem so scary when I was a kid. It didn't seem scary a few years ago. Eventually the woods thin out and break on a sunny meadow. I just didn't know how thick this patch of forest was when I went in. And I did not realize how many people are ill-equipped to handle a long sojourn in the dark.
I am my own go to guy. I go inside my head, sort through the rubble, cut out the thick undergrowth that makes the going tough and move on. And while I am there I am with my second string go to guys. Right now that is Matthias Reim and Sting. The third tier is facebook and the blog. The third tier people get the diluted version that puts a happy or humorous spin on things. Matze and Sting get to sit with me in the dark, or at the keyboard and remind me that they have been through everything I am going through and they have survived. It takes a while to come back from ruin. Matze lost everything to an unscrupulous investor/manager. Sting went through the trials and tribulations of an early self-starting career, often times not knowing where he was going to live. Courage.
Granted sometimes it would be nice to have a physical person to hug or cry on. And I do not do the crying buckets thing too often. But sometimes it is necessary. And sometimes it is good to have someone to cry with. But there are not too many people who can do that with me and be okay.
I am a strong person. And that strength intimidates some. I've had a handful of people tell me that it "weirds them out" for me to need some support because I have always been the stronger one. And that kind of thing, while understandable, leaves a person cold. It isn't because no one wants to help. Its because they feel so much more helpless than when they are trying to comfort someone who doesn't show their strength. Its always been this way. And because it was this way for so long I learned not to ask for help.
Well I have to unlearn that. I need help. I need a little more than I have ever needed before. And as scary as that is for my friends.... it is even scarier for me.
I can not even begin to understand how frightening that is for my boyfriend. I do not know how to help me right now. I know he worries that helping me will drag him into a quagmire that he isn't ready for. I fear the same thing. But fearing a thing doesn't make it less of a thing to deal with. It only makes it more intense. This might be the kind of thing that would bring us closer, help us see that we are stronger together than apart. Or he could be right and it could be the end of us.
But I think that we will never know that for sure. I had a carrot dangled in front of me. I was supposed to live with a friend starting this week. The friend backed out without telling me. So now I am back to square one with needing a place to live. Fortunately I know where some good camping places are. Unfortunately this carrot only reinforces the fact that when I trust people I get burned. I do not want to think ill of my boyfriend so I am tempted to withdraw my request for help to preempt what must (according to historic precedent) inevitably lead to disappointment. I resent carrot danglers. I do not want to count him among the bunch.
yes. pun intended.