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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Talk about a Mixed Bag

Sooooo where did we leave off on the whole relationship issue? I forget. There are too many lables here to write stories for. I wish that were a joke. Any way so I have made friends in my online game. It's a social site with gaming ability so I am still calling it a game. But the people are real. Meaning not like the barbarian that runs out of food because I can't get out of a maze. Real people. Real feelings. Real emotions behind their avatars actions. I know I dismissed the thing casually as playing Barbies. But that was before I found people there who are genuine geeks looking for their tribe. The odds on that are kinda slim though. Out of the 48 friends I have there, I only talk to two of them on a regular basis. Of those two, one I know in real life besides.

And almost everyone i talk to is European & a fan of or has at least heard of Matthias Reim. So that is the ice-breaking conversation. And today that European friend told me he loved me. I do not know how I feel about that. Nothing more than online communication can happen because I will most likely never be in his country. And he will most likely never be in mine. So what is the point in being in love with someone you will never meet?
What are we doing? He has friends and a family there. I have friends & family here. What is missing that we find in each other so much more easily online than in life? I know I am more my authentic self. I am afraid to say nothing because the consequences of doing so are non-existant. If they don't like what I say, do or build then they can unfriend me. it isn't like I have to cut them out of holiday photos or will burn all the letters in a beach bonfire. There are not associated memories of events to complicate the dissolution of a friendship there. So I can be whomever I really am.

That must be the larger appeal to online gaming such as this. And it is usually what I assume the safety net would be. No complications. And how do I feel about him?

I enjoy spending time with him to be certain. In my real life I am conflicted with the men in my life. Those I want for friends, for lovers, to avoid forever and to explore possibilities with have such complicated lives themselves that right now it is safer to have only my online friend. I do not think my feelings go as deep as his. But I would rather spend time with him than a half dozen of anyone else. Though I would still prefer to spend about 40 hours a week decorating.

What is missing in real life that this assuages?
Das ist die Hoelle!

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