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Friday, January 27, 2012

Back in the Zaby

Slowly but surely, I am rebuilding my life after nearly tearing it down completely to please those around me who don't get me. This is so destructive!!! And it is so much easier to eliminate those people. Well, wait. It is not easy. I kept them around so long because I feel guilty when I get either the sad pouty face or the angry defiant face that goes with

"you don't love me any more?"

that i will back track and redouble my efforts to give beyond what is healthy and sane. I've given time beyond wisdom, money beyond measure, and the free handed forgiveness that is encouraged in the Beatitudes. But I have given without discernment. And that has spiralled into something so out of control that only a screeching halt against a brick wall was going to fix it.

The repairs are slow. And the consequences many. And one of the things that I allow myself to enjoy the process is a fabulous virtual reality that makes the stark and disjointed reality of my hotel room lifestyle less depressing. But it has been weeks since I have been to the Wintergarten. Could not bring myself to go with the tumult in my heart over a relationship. It is a world we share. It is a world that he gave to me. And I have hated to be there without him.

But the Wintergarten, of which I posted earlier, is a bright an cheery place. And now that we have been given more tools to work with it is even more so. I went back to work on a piece for his home. And spent some time in mine. The colors and the light! It is drenched with cheery goodness. And I wonder if maybe it was too Pollyanna-is while I was sad. But in either case, I missed the place. I think of it often. And of the friends that I made there.

Ah the friends...
it is so easy for me to make them. But so very hard to keep them. Part of it is to do with trust. But part of it is the very Aquarian tendency to be a collector. Everyone in our lives wants to feel that they are the most special. And when you see that you are not the only fish in a persons pond it is hard to feel important. Or significant. It is a curse we Aquarians bear. And I hear the frustration all the time in questions like "Do you know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance?"

No. We do not. Those born under this sign are the people God put here to love the unlovable and the undiscovered gems as well as those who get love  everywhere. We are cosmic batteries of a sort. Sometimes people just need to be around us because it feels good to be where we are in spirit. And those who are deprived of such things seek us out. They want to possess us. And then the light dims and we are useless. It is only good to be around us because we have a wide net to catch experience and laughter. When we do not do that which makes us feel alive we fail to return the feeling to the world.

So I am back in my zaby again. Soaking up light. Color. Joy. Peace. and hopefully sending that back into the world. And i am resolved this year, as my birthday present to myself, to a. allow only those who get me into my inner circle, b. allow only open exchanges in which we are free to come and go as the people that we are, c. I will only permit supportive people to be with me. We don't have to see eye to eye. But we have to walk with each other when it is called for. We have to quietly exist together when it is called for. And we have to be able to be ourselves and no one else.

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