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Monday, February 11, 2013

Hakuna Matata

It means no worries. But of course thanks to Disney we all know that. And today I am starting to really feel that the state of no worry is actually starting to happen. Long time readers will notice that there has been a burst activity here recently. In part that is due to the fact that it is Winter and I have time from my job to get it done. Also contributing to the proliferation of posts is the fact that I am no longer attached to situations that have made my internal editor into Joseph McCarthy, censoring absolutely everything with the "You'll Catch Shit for This & I'm Not Cleaning Up After You" filter. It makes you not want to write. But the worst thing is that it makes you not want to tell the truth.

I don't lie here. I tell stories so that as I process things and learn from them you guys can maybe have a sense of the underlying causes for some of the things that you are going through. And I tell stories to entertain you. And me. Mostly me. But when you have someone who reads these and wants to start drama you don't want to write. Even if those incidents are over 20 years old. Despite the fact that those stories are then about learning to forgive, maybe forget, and just to show that I've grown a little. One of four people unfriended me after some candor. That is fine. The others understood the purpose and continue to be my friends. But that is also why I don't name names. That way the only people who can cause problems have to recognize themselves and admit culpability. So I thought. Then I met someone who read every story of frustration and struggle as being about him/her. It wasn't. But something told them, "She's talking about me." I'd say it was a guilty conscience.

But whatever the reason for the constant struggles face to face, it made me want to hide from cyber space. And it made me contemplate the wisdom of being so open in person. What?

I know. I tell you guys a lot of personal stuff. But the people that I interact with on a regular basis don't know the blog. Sure, anyone who wants to can find me here. I'm just a Google search away from fame or notoriety. Most of you, my dear readers, wouldn't know me on the street. You wouldn't even be on the street where I live. So the odds of you taking exception to my random thoughts and musings and showing up on my doorstep to argue with me about my words are fairly non-existent. Nor would you call me on the phone. I spent a lot of time getting my head chewed off for what I wrote here. So I quit.

It's taken a long time for me to feel like I wanted to write here. I almost shut the blog down. But I've written a lot of good stuff. And I am tired of packing up shop because someone can't handle me. It's pretty simple. If someone can't handle what I have to say here they have two options: quit reading my words. Or, if you don't like my observations on human behaviors that you possess.... then change  them. I am not responsible for how anyone interprets my words. I am only responsible for honest communication. And if you can't let me talk to you in in person then you can not complain that I write here. If you need the information then be content with getting it instead of criticizing how you get it.

Friends, you're going to run into this eventually. "How come you can blog that but you can't tell me?" So let me explain it: Writing, unlike a face to face conversation, gives you time to think about your words. A writer culls the right word from the vast vocabulary and wealth of simile and metaphor to be certain that they have eloquently as well as effectively communicated a thought. It might only take a few sentences. It might take paragraphs. And it might take you nearly an hour to figure out just exactly what it is that you are thinking. Do you have an hour in a conversation to gather your thoughts? No. Does your conversation partner have time for a five minute pregnant pause? No. A blog gives you time to figure things out. So it is far easier to write.

It is not more personal. Conversation is more personal. But there are some people who suck at communication. And then there are people who are good at conversations only if they can dominate the topic. There are a third and fourth type... but I don't care about those types. They don't matter in this particular conversation.

I've been so befuddled I haven't felt safe to really write here. But I have a new friend that is a communicator like myself. I feel like I can open up again. The blogosphere can be a safe place again. But beyond that... there isn't any toxicity in the relationship. I know women are predisposed to use about 8gig more words than a man in any given day. This isn't about filling my quota. It's about having the freedom to use what tools I have at my disposal to make sure that I am understood, others are understood and relationships grow, not die on the vine.

If you don't feel the ability or the freedom to communicate according to your personality you might be in a toxic relationship. Sure, it might not have the same effect as lead in your drinking water. It may only be as unsafe as drinking form the garden hose. But if you don't feel that you are free to speak you mind, even if it is as the dissenting opinion, then you might want to reconsider that relationship.

And for the love of Riker's Beard keep communicating with the people who keep those lines open, drama free and honest. Don't shut up just because someone can't handle the truth. That person is a bully. Be yourself. Be who you were always meant to be. Be who you want to be. You don't have to be offensive or condescending but my God be honest. If you have to change who you are for others then those people don't belong in your life. And for Pete's sake if you have to write a dozen disclaimers to have an opinion in front of someone then get rid of that someone!

Footnotes are fine. Sometimes your readers, friends and partners won't share your frames of reference. But disclaimers are for whiners and lawyers.

I am not worrying any more about what I write so long as it I the truth or a well researched opinion the interpretation is up to you.

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